Hey all,
Im sending thisone in for a friend. Hopfully, the attachment will go
through, if not sorry for wasting ML space.
-Jason
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: ParkersHellbalzerSMcross.txt
Dumb Devils, Sailor Girls, and a Bastard
By Tim Parker
Hellblazer/Sailormoon
Disclaimer
I don't own John Constantine, Time Warner by way of DC comics does.
I don't own the Lord Shaper, Third of the Endless, Time Warner by way of DC Comics does.
I don't own Sailor Moon, Naoko Takeuchi does (and she can keep the little facist).
This fic contains cursing and other bad language that shouldn't be used in mixed company, because a John that can't say "Chief Bitch, Queen of Wankers" is John in a very bad way.
For Hellblazer this fic fits in a crack between Ennis's run and Jenkin's go at it. I don't have a sodding clue where this fits in Sailor Moon universe cause time is a total patchwork mess there (I think the evolution of the semi-intelligent pack of shitebags called humans is Pluto's fault, really.).
Enjoy, don't sue, send feedback to devil-tiger@angelfire.com, and read the Serial Experiments msting series on http://www.student.smsu.edu/j/jmm769s
I hate Tokyo. I mean that I really hate Tokyo. It's crowded and hurried and breeds nothing but faceless conformists and the beer is piss.
The only good spot is that you have to look to find a no smoking sign. My Silkcuts and I like that.
Just my luck that Yuki moved back home. Even more my luck that she got some cut rate devil in her apartment and that the local priest wanker couldn't figure out how to get rid of it. So she calls good old Chas who gives her bad old John's number and she pulls on the heartstrings pulls me halfway around the sodding world. I kick her demon's meat and veg into orbit, hoping for a quick go round for my troubles, and she introduces this wanker husband that amounts to assistant beancounter for the local mob, yakuzee or something.
Why do all women leave me for total pricks?
Because old son women that like you have to like pricks don't they.
So naturally I get to spend the two days that were supposed to be inbetween Yuki's thighs touring this sqeaky clean shithole and playing the ponys.
Not a bookie in town 'as heard of me. Think I'll make a profit off this little trip.
"Sirfer!" screams soemthing behind me and the locals start to run.
It'd be smart to run. I wish I'd been born Smart, instead I'm just a Constantine. I turn and look.
Now I've seen some pretty wierd shit. Old Conjob 'as stood before the Parliment of Trees. I've literally been to Hell and back. I happen to have been at my own fortith birthday party. So some over endowed demon in Dungeon and Dragons wetdream armor with a surfboard doesn't even get me to blink.
Did however get me to reach for another Silkcut.
"Sirfer!" the damn thing screams like a buzzsaw. "Sirfer!"
"How dare you spoil a day off for schoolgirls! I'm Sailor Jupiter and in the name of Jupiter I'll punish you!" booms some overdramatic voice from the rooftops. I look up and the Silkcut falls unlit from my lips.
This is Morpheus's idea of a sodding joke. It has to be. He got me sucked into some pedophile's wetdream. It's the only way to explain it. Except that Morpheus hasn't got a sense of humor.
A brunette that can't be above legal age jumps from the building and lands between me and Sir Fer, or whatever the hell the thing calls itself. She's got her hair up and her skirt too. Looks like some of the schoolgirl uniforms that you can buy from that special shop in Soho. Damn skirt barely covers her knickers, at least I hope she's wearing knickers; could catch cold in that outfit. Hope its got enough chest support.
Cheers Constantine you're turning into a dirty old man.
Anyhow this Sailor Jupiter, God only knows what a real sailor would do to her in that outfit, takes a run up Sir Fer. I'd never seen a surfboard smack into a human like that, but I know the sound of ribs going when I hear it. Jupiter is down and out, Sir Fer is going after her with the gleam in the eye that says "I've got you by the stones now", and bad old uncle Conjob is being steadfastly ignored by both.
Time for me to have a go at it. Clear my throat so that both of 'em are looking at me and light up.
"Push off, sister," I call out. "Get packing you cheap tart."
Jupiter's yelling at me, brave girl, "Run! Get away!"
Smart girl for someone running around in a fetish costume.
Sir Fer is not that bright though and runs at me making to shove the surfboard up my ringpiece. I flick some ash in her face. Bet you didn't know that the salt used to exorcise evil can have bits of cigarette subsituted, neither did Sir Fer.
A cheap showy jewel lands at my feet and Sir Fer is gone.
Jupiter is on her feet and asking questions, "Who are you? How'd you do that?"
I nick the jewel and turn to her while I back off into an alley, "Me? I'm a tourist and young lady if I was you I'd cover up."
She turns just has four more girls in tawdry outfits show up followed by some swish footballer type in a tuxedo of all things. Shadows reach over me while I head off down the alley and hearing the start of what will probably be a look conversation.
"Sailor Jupiter, what happened?" starts up a voice that could only come from someone with a room tempature IQ.
"There was this really cute older guy that looked just like my old boyfriend..."
I really hate bloody Tokyo.