First of all, I find it rather odd that you build up Kuno's role and
then
peter it out in the end. I think he should have a bit more of an active
role
than just rightly thinking that he shouldn't get near the Tendou
household.
Either that, or not make him the centerpiece of the chapter. Since the
action
seems to focus more on Mousse & Ryouga than Onna-Ranma, et. al. you should
have
focuses the story on them.
I fail to see how having a handful of scenes with Kuno scattered throughout
the chapter makes him the centerpiece of the chapter. I personally found
them quite amusing, and appreciated the ensemble effect the appearances of
Kuno, Hiro and Dai, Fred, etc. added to this chapter.
You see, the theme of this chapter wasn't "Kuno pays a visit to the dojo",
or even "Mousse attempts to hide from Helga". Rather, the theme of this
chapter was "What would it take to make a day completely weird even by
Nerima standards?" In that, this chapter was pulled off rather nicely.
Secondly, I'd check out your grammar. When I read the story out loud,
there
were a few places that didn't seem to sound right. But, I'm no grammar
expert,
so I'd just suggest you look over your story a bit.
You certainly aren't a grammar expert if you thought there was anything
wrong enough with this chapter to point it out; there wasn't. A few typos
and maybe an accidentally inserted word here or there, but that's basically
it.
As for Helga, it seems that she's nothing more than a Shampoo clone
even
through you made her sound like she's a bit different, particular with
"Girl
Days 16" in mind. And she's a Chinese Viking, right? So, shouldn't she
have a
hint of a Norwegian dialect? I don't recall reading a "ya" or something
like
that. I also think she should have some differences that makes her stand
out
against Shampoo.
The emphasis here should be placed on CHINESE Viking. Not *Norse* Viking.
CHINESE Viking.
And I seem to recall that throughout the chapter, it was mentioned that the
irony in Mousse fearing and attempting to hide from Helga is that, for all
intents and purposes, she's basically just Shampoo with a different gimmick.
Again, this was not simply the writer being too lazy to give a new character
depth--this was the author poking fun at the source material in his usual
clever way.
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter. Had me rolling on the floor laughing.
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|R >< R|
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