Arrgghh. Bloody formating! Ok. My bad. I'm outta time. Copy/Paste the damn
thing onto a word or pad or SOMETHING and wordwrap.
Ok Miss Librarian you can stop GLARING at me now.
I swear, Hungarian people glare like nobodies buisness.
] Okay, I'll just ignore the bad formatting. But it's generally good
idea to correct them before posting your final draft. Actually, it's
a GREAT idea to fix that before posting _any_ of your work to FFML.
But then, you already knew about that so I'll just go on.
Mad-Hamlet presents:
Curse of Silence
Prt 1
] *Part* 1
A continuation of Curse of Silence, written by C.Jones
This continuation has been written with his permission.
Background: This is the Ranma 1/2 series starting all over again with, once
again, a little switch. Akane is mute. She lost her voice when she was a
small girl in the car accident that took her mother's life. It is HIGHLY
recommended that you read the original.
"Curse of Silence" cause I ain't going to go over it.
The original COS can be found at www.furinkan.net
] You should include disclaimers. It's a common ettique to
include them in all fanfics.
Ranma was awakened from a sound sleep by a kick in the gut. He rolled away
from the blow and spun his legs over his shoulders to back flip to his
feet.
Still dressed in his boxers he faced his opponent.
Ranma studied the angry man before him. Genma was dressed, as always, in
his
white gi. His face was contorted in barely suppressed rage and his stance
one
of aggression.
"So what's it going to be Pop, more morning training or am I gonna get a
lecture cause I chose a girl with 'problems'?" Ranma laced the last word
with
sarcasm.
In response, Genma leaped at Ranma's face in a flying kick. Ranma ducked,
grabbed his clothes lying on the floor and dived out the window to escape
the
blow. Slipping his pants on in mid-air, he landed and saw a blurring form
descending upon him. He jumped to meet his father and the combat began.
Akane was dressed in her jogging outfit. The white shorts and t-shirt
accented her form nicely and the only thing out of place was the long scarf
that fluttered over her shoulder. She ran through the streets of Nerima at
a
brisk pace, interrupting her stride for the occasional kick or punch at an
imaginary foe. She turned a corner and, easily hurtling a mailbox,
continued
her run. Her face wore a huge smile and she felt really good about the
world.
As she ran, her thoughts turned to the night before; when she had met
Ranma.
It had been a long while since she had had a real conversation. She
remembered the way he had talked to her. His tone had been so pleasant and
normal. There were no laced words, no indication of sympathy or pity; just
a
normal talk between two people. It really had been a long time since she
felt
the joy that came from simple, good, conversation that so many took for
] I really liked this part. One of the biggest problems mute and deaf
often face are the communication barriers. Many people simply don't
talk with them because they feel that it's a waste of their time, or
takes up too much of an effort for them to do so.
granted. Oh sure, there was her family, but other then clichéd questions
they
pretty much had little to say to her, or her to them.
"How was your day Akane?"
"What would you like to drink Akane?"
"Oh you a mastered a new kata Akane, how nice."
"Did Kuno bother you again today Akane?"
Kuno. As that hated name flashed through her mind, along with the
associated
] I think it may read better if it went as, 'As his hated name...'
face, her playful blows became less so and, in fact, tore through the air
rending apart billions of harmless molecules. Her good mood lost; Akane
quickened her pace to soon arrive at the gates to the Tendo dojo.
Akane entered the house and her mouth began to open before she caught
herself. The realization of what she was about to do hurt. Even after a
decade
the instinct to yell a greetings to her family came unbidden, bringing with
it
memories, memories with sharp edges. She jogged through the entranceway and
onto the porch heading for the stairs. She needed to take a shower before
breakfast. Akane paused on the first step and cast a quick glance outside.
Her
attention was caught by two blurring figures dancing about the yard.
Ranma and Genma were moving with a fluid grace, leaping and bounding about.
Their feet scarcely touching the ground before the figures were hurtling
airborne once more. When they met fists and fleet blurred, attacking,
blocking, exploring defenses and seeking soft, vulnerable spots in the
other.
] I don't like how this paragraph went (with some missing commas).
I'd suggest:
Ranma and Genma were moving with a fluid grace, leaping and
bounding around the area. Their feet scarely touching the ground,
they constantly hurtled themselves airborne. When they met, fists
and feet blurred as they attacked, defended, or explored each other's
defenses for vulnerable spots.
"They're so quiet." Akane thought to herself. "No battle cries."
She narrowed her eyes, studying the warriors before her. Her breath caught
in
her throat when she realized what was happening.
] Could replace 'when' with 'as.' It reads better to me.
"They're not sparring! Oh God they're really trying to hurt each other."
] 'Oh God, they're...' (missing a comma)
The
two Saotome were holding nothing back; each doing their utmost to put the
other down, hard. The realization scared Akane and the unbidden feelings
even
more so. She was scared, scared for Ranma.
] You used the word, 'scared' three times in this paragraph, two in this
last sentence. Don't be afraid to use alternate words such as 'afraid,'
'fearful,' or 'frightened.'
] English doesn't have to be your enemy; it can be your friend.
If Akane had been a little closer or a more experienced a martial artist
she
] Missing a comma after 'artist'
also would have noticed the quiet, snarling voices coming from Ranma and
his
father every time they met.
"I warned you boy, and you defied me. You should have chosen Kasumi, or
Nabiki even, not that hopeless cripple. " Genma hissed, blocking a mid-air
sidekick. He grabbed the leg behind the kick and tossed his son across the
yard.
Ranma back-flipped in mid-air and rebounded off the wall back at his
father.
] You used 'back-flip' unhyphenated earlier in the first paragraph.
Fix that problem.
He slammed into Genma knocking the older man back a step and followed up
with
a vicious double punch to the sternum.
] Missing comma; 'He slammed into Genma, knocking...'
"Shut up old man." Ranma snarled as the doubled over Genma tried refilling
his lungs with air.
] This sentence sounded funny to me. Try rewording it as '...the
doubled over Genma tried to refill his lungs with air.'
Winding up, Ranma finished off his father with a nice western-style
uppercut
that sent him into the pond. The panda sat up slowly giving his son a wary
eye.
] Suggest eliminating 'nice,' as it isn't necessary. Add a comma
between 'slowly giving'
[This isn't over boy.] The panda's sign read.
A heartbeat later Ranma's fist shattered the sign and stopped a
hairsbreadth
] Add comma after 'later'
from the panda's nose.
"Yes it is, Pop. You ever say anything like that again about Akane and I'll
kill you. You got that?" Ranma's voice was quiet and promised the panda
that
every word being said was true.
With a disdainful snort Ranma stalked across the yard to the porch, his
senses
ready for the possibility of another attack. He saw Akane staring at him
with
a questioning look on her face. She handed him her white board.
'What was that all about?'
"Aw.." Ranma scratched his head, "Wasn't nothin'. Pop an' me just got a
little
carried away that's all."
Akane just held up her hand and made an exaggerated "ok" gesture.
"A change of topic is called for." Ranma thought.
"Um, when's breakfast? I'm starvin"
] Missing peroid here.
He waited patiently for her to finish writing.
'After you take a bath but I'm going first so you can wait outside. If you
walk in on me I will hurt you.'
The words on the board caught all of Ranma's attention so he didn't notice
the playful glint in her eye.
] This reads okay to me, but I'd suggest rewording it as:
"After you take your bath. But I'm going first, so you'll have
to wait outside. If you ever walk in on me, I'll have to hurt you!"
]It reads bit nicer.
"Hey! What kind of per.. that is I'd never walk in on you deliberately
Akane.
I'm not that kind of a guy. But if there ever was an accident," Ranma
paused
and openly admired her, "I really think I'd like what I'd see."
] Oh yeah, that, and my Momma thinks it's a manly thing to do!
] But seriously, try rewording it slightly. Like so:
"Hey! What kind of per... er, that is, I'd never do such a thing
on purpose. Still, if there was an accident," Ranma paused
and smiled, "I think I'll like what I see."
"WHAT??!!" Akane couldn't believe he said that. "What a.. that..boy..how
could he..and to think I.." her thoughts were an unclear jumble. "I
oughta..oooh just wait till..I'm going to make him pay for saying something
so...so...nice." Her thoughts petered off as she became aware of the blood
rushing to her face.
Fighting the urge to keep her eyes on the floor at the floor, Akane looked
at
Ranma. He was just standing there, kind of looking awkward but in a
slightly
charming way. His face held no expression of lust, or perversion; just a
friendly half smile and his eyes twinkling with humor. She gave a silent
laugh and quickly jotted something down on the board. Then heading up the
stairs she tossed it over her shoulder.
Ranma snapped the board out of mid-air.
'Just wait till the wedding night, Big Guy.'
Akane was gratified to hear the sound a body impacting with the floor. She
gave herself a "V" for victory as she passed the mirror in the changing
room.
] Heh. "...hear the sound of a body..."
Ranma was just finishing his breakfast when Akane's board landed in his
lap.
'Hurry up! We're going to be late for school!'
"School?" He thought aloud.
] Yeah, the place where you learn your ABCs, boy!
A hand slapped his shoulder. Akane stood beside him carrying two school
bags.
] Holding two bags. If Akane's standing, then she's 'holding' the
bags. If she's moving around with the bag, then she's 'carrying'
them.
She tossed one in his lap and nodded in the direction of the door.
"Well, okay. Lead the way."
As Akane and Ranma raced out the door Genma watched them leave.
"You've made a mistake boy." He thought to himself. "And you'll learn from
that mistake even if I have to beat it into you." And then turned and went
back to breakfast.
As Genma returned to the table Soun cautiously watched his friend over the
top
edge of his newspaper. He wasn't positive what was bothering his Genma, but
he
too had witnessed the savage sparring contest between father and son. There
] "...postive about what..." "...but he too...
was a dangerous conflict between the two of them and he hoped his first
] "...hoped that his..."
assumption behind that conflict was mistaken. Weighing the pros and cons of
inaction versus action at this point, Soun decided to simply watch the
events
carefully. It was far too early to act hastily and risk losing a bond that
was
deeper than that shared by brothers. He settled back and continued reading
his
paper ignoring the elder Saotome's impersonation of a vacuum cleaner.
] "...paper, ignoring..."
Ranma and Akane ran through the streets of Nerima in silence, every once in
a
while Ranma glanced at Akane's face. Her jaw was tense and her brow was
creased in a fierce glare.
"Wonder what's bugging her?" he thought.
He opened his mouth, "Hey Akane.."
] "Hey, Akane..."
*Splash*
Ranma looked at the old woman watering the path. She would have hit him with
a
ladle full of cold water if Akane hadn't pushed him out of the way.
] RANMA: Ow! That hurt; why'd you throw that ladle at me?!
] AKANE: You dummy, she tried you with cold water.
] RANMA: Oh, then I must've hit that pole. Hey, how come you're
wet?
] AKANE: That's because I got in the way of the water when I
pushed you out of the way!
"Geeze, thanks Akane. That could have been a real pain."
She waved her hand in a dismissive gesture and took off at a run again.
Ranma
shrugged and charged after her. They were nearing the gates of Furinkan
High
School when he caught up to her.
"Hey Akane, what's eating you? Ya look like yer heading into battle or
sumthin'."
She came to a brisk halt and scribbled madly on her board before handing it
to
him.
'Tell you later. Just stay here and don't get involved.'
He handed the board back to her. "Ok Akane, but ya gotta promise to tell me
what the hell is going on ok?"
With a brisk nod Akane ran through the gates of the school. Ranma hopped
onto
] "...brisk nod, Akane..."
the wall just in time to see a hoard of boys, dressed in kendo gear, come
charging toward her, all wielding bokken.
] Suggest removing 'come'
"What the.." Ranma wondered.
] Ellipses has three peroids, not two.
Akane tore through the ranks of her opponents, a whirling dervish of
destruction. Blows rained down upon her but she was never there when they
landed. Or, more often than not, the diminutive girl pulled some
unfortunate
into the path of an incoming bokken.
] Could use some rewording:
Akane tore through the ranks of her opponents like a whirlwind
of destruction. Blows rained upon her, but she simply was not there
when they landed. More often than not, the diminutuve girl lured
some unfortunate contenders into path of incoming bokken.
Ranma studied the battle. "Wow, she's really something." He watched as
Akane
gave a body blow to one boy that doubled him over, and then vaulted over
the
collapsing boy to knock two others down in a flying split kick. Upon
landing,
she ducked and darted forward out of the way of an overhand smash from a
fourth boy that, instead of hitting her, impacted with the back of the
skull
of one of the kicked boys. The attacker was sent to dreamland a split
second
later from a simple snap kick to the head.
"She's REALLY good." Ranma thought to himself.
A second later he was pulled from his reverie by the comments floating up
from the conflict.
] "A second later, he..."
"Get that cripple bitch"
"Don't let her in the school."
"Eat this you freak!"
Ranma's fingers began crumbling the wall as he felt his anger rise. He
growled
out "Those bastards." He was about to hurtle himself into the fray when he
remembered Akane's message.
'Don't get involved.'
He paused, he was angry, angry as all hell..but..she did seem to be taking
] "...angry as hell... but... she did seem..."
care of the massed idiots quite nicely. Ranma grinned as the last boy
collapsed to the ground; his kendo mask shattered, by Akane's fist, to
reveal
an equally shattered jaw.
] Suggest omitting, 'by Akane's fist,' as we already know
who's responsible.
"Oooh," Ranma whispered to himself. "That had to hurt."
] "Ouch," not "Oooo,"
Akane paused to catch her breath, surrounded by the bodies of the defeated.
She noticed that, in the scuffle, she had dropped her white board. As she
] "She noticed that she had dropped her white board in the
scuffle." reads bit shorter, and still gets the point across.
bent
to pick it up someone shoved her, hard. She rolled with the push and
flipped
to her feet and found herself facing..Kuno.
] Three peroids in an Ellipse.
He was standing so that most of his front was facing away from her. Dressed
in
his kendo garb, with one hand he held a bokken at his side. His other hand
was
holding a bright red rose that he was gazing at and seemed to be studying
intently. He slowly turned to Akane as if noticing her for the first time.
"At fair morn to thee Miss. Tendo. I apologize for not noticing thee
earlier
so caught up was I by the splendors of one of natures perfection's." and he
held up the rose. "Perhaps thou could take inspiration from it?"
] Omit 'and' and captialize 'he' after that word.
Akane stood in a relaxed stance, her hands loose at her sides giving no
reaction to the older boy's verbal barbs.
] "...sides, giving..."
Ranma, still sitting on the wall was watching the two with interest.
] "...the wall, was..."
Kuno noticed Akane's writing board lying on the ground. "Ah it would seem
thou
] "...Ah, it would..."
has lost thy voice." His voice dripped with sarcasm, "Allow me to retrieve
it
for you."
In a smooth movement Kuno scooped up the plastic board. He moved as if to
hand
it to Akane but than clenched his fist crushing the piece of plastic in his
grip. "Ah, forgive me Miss Tendo, I fear my careless fumbling has destroyed
thy voice. Would seem to be Déjà vu all over again." A cruel sneer rippled
across Kuno's face as all pretense of civility were dropped.
] Not very Kuno-esque thing for him to do. He'd be more inclined
to do damage with his bokken, not crushing the pad with his hand.
Besides, his strength lies in his use of bokken, not physical
strength.
] And why would it be a deja vu? There's nothing to indicate
that it would be one. Either Kuno's referring to Akane
defeating the boys, or destruction of Akane's board. This isn't
clear.
"Once again you have disrespected your betters, Miss Tendo, and it falls to
me
to protect this noble institution of education from thy flawed, crippled,
presence. I, Tatewaki Kuno, The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, shall bring
thee to justice!" With his little speech finished, Kuno took an aggressive
stance, holding his bokken before him, and prepared to strike.
Ranma had gotten bored. All he could see from his vantage point was some
older
guy waving around a bokken. "Guess I better go see if Akane's ok." He
] OK, not ok.
mused.
Thought became action as the young martial artist flung himself off the
wall
and landed lightly beside Akane just as Kuno finished speaking.
"I gotta tell ya Akane that was some really good fightin." Ranma said. Or
] "...fightin'."
he
meant too. All he got out was "I gotta tell ya Akane.." before he was
interupted.
] "...meant to." And three peroids.
"Hold!" shouted Kuno. "Who be you Boy? And why does thou associate with the
] "Who would you be, boy?" or better yet, use a degrading term
such as 'miscreant' or 'you inferior.' That's more his style.
likes of Akane Tendo?"
Ranma's jaw hung open, frozen in mid-speech. "Who the hell did this guy
think
he was?" he thought. "What is his problem anyway. Moron doesn't even know
me
and he's actin' all aggressive. And what did he mean by 'the likes of Akane
Tendo'. That sounded downright rude."
] "Who the hell does this guy thinks he is?" "What's his
problem, anyway?"
He didn't notice Akane surreptitiously gesturing with her hand, urging
Ranma
to back off.
] "...urging him to back..."
"Get out of here Ranma," she thought, "I don't want you to get hu..I mean I
don't need your help. Where did that come from?"
"Well," Ranma began, but again was interrupted.
"Wait," Kuno barked, "Is it not the custom for the righteous to give their
own
name first? Fine, mine I shall give. I am the rising new start of the high
school fencing world. My enemies quake with fear at the mention of my name.
I
am the undefeated captain of this school's Kendo club. My peers call me the
Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!" As Kuno finished his proclamation a bolt of
lighting lanced down from the graying skies to slam into the ground with an
appropriately melodramatic effect.
Ranma blinked, "That was...different." He thought.
"My name is Ranma Saotome," Ranma began, "I am the heir to the Anything
Goes
School of Martial Arts. I, currently, am staying with the Tendos'."
"Staying with the Tendos'?" Kuno repeated, "And this wretch is your excuse
for
a champion, Miss Tendo? Truly he must be pathetic if he would willingly
associate with the likes of thee. I shall smite thee for daring to disgrace
our school, and your champion for befriending thou abomination."
] "Truly, he..."
Mistake.
Akane never even saw Ranma move. There was a brief whistling where Ranma
had
] Whistling what? Whistling sound? Whistling bird?
Tell us what it was!
been standing and then he just seemed to materialize before the startled
upperclassman. Kuno did not have time to fully realize the appearance of a
very angry Ranma before the first blow struck; right below his ribcage. He
] Omit the semicolon there; it's not necessary.
sagged over as the air burst from his lungs and would have slumped to the
ground but Ranma grabbed Kuno's neck and effortlessly hoisted the kendo
] "...the ground, but..."
captain into the air so his feet were dangling off the ground. Gasping for
air
Kuno looked into the furious visage of Ranma Saotome.
Ranma snarled out the words, "If you ever" he hit Kuno, "talk about Akane,"
and hit Kuno, "like that again," and hit Kuno again, "I'll KILL you." And
for
] Every time you close a dialogue with quoation marks, ALWAYS
end it with either a peroid or comma. "...ever,"
added emphasis he hit Kuno one last time. By the time Ranma was finished
] "...emphasis, he..."
speaking Kuno wasn't in much condition to listen to anyone about anything.
] "...speaking, Kuno..."
Ranma let the thoroughly defeated Kuno drop to the ground. Kuno was too
lost
in his own private universe of pain to notice. Ranma looked around as if
daring any of the recovering members of the Kendo team to say anything.
Most
were too involved in their own miseries to pay much attention or offer much
challenge to the enraged boy.
A cold wind blew through Akane's hair as she stared at Ranma. The youngest
Saotome was oblivious of her gaze, so consumed by his anger.
"My God," Akane thought, "He's furious..for me." She shook her head.
"Waitaminute, I don't need that jerk's help. I can take care of myself
perfectly fine. I don't need him. Who does he think he is? Treating me like
some weak girl. Still...," She looked again at Ranma. He stood in front of
the
school, his back was too her and he held one fist before him, even though
he
was a good five feet away she could swear she heard the knuckles cracking.
Overhead, lightning flashed and there was an ominous rumble of thunder.
That,
coupled with the expression of bound rage on Ranma's face, "He looks like a
barely restrained force of nature." She finished her mental litany just in
time to hear a sullen voice.
"C'mon Akane, lets go. We'll be late." She looked to see Ranma now looking
at
her with a flat empty expression. With a silent nod she followed him inside
as
the gray skies began to rain on the wreckage of the Furinkan High Kendo
Club.
"Well class it seems we have a new student today. Ranma Saotome just
returned
from a training trip to China. So lets all give him a big 'Ni Hao' welcome.
] Ni Hao is a Chinese term. Japanese teachers wouldn't use
that term.
However this doesn't change the fact that both he and Miss. Tendo were
late.
So, go stand in the hall."
"Great, just great." Ranma thought. "First day in school and not only do I
get into a fight, but I'm late for class and the only person who I can even
try to call my friend is angry at me." He stole a careful look at Akane.
] I wouldn't use 'stole.' Doesn't fit with the scene; use 'took'
instead.
She
saw him slowly looking at her from the corner of her eye and with great
deliberation turned her back on him.
"Akane.." He began but had no more gotten her name out of his mouth when
her
bucket drenched Ranma triggering the curse.
] "He began, but..." "...drenched Ranma, triggering..."
] And is there any particular reason why Akane would splash him?
Just a cold shoulder would do.
Onna-Ranma shook her head, shaking the water from her red hair just in time
to see a whiteboard tossed into her lap.
] Ranma's lap? Isn't Ranma standing at the moment?
'I TOLD you not to interfere. I don't need your help. I can take care of
myself!!!'
Onna-Ranma peeked over the top of the whiteboard too see two angry, brown,
] You've got this habit of using 'too' instead 'two.' Fix that.
beautiful eyes boring holes into him. "Beautiful? Where did that come
from?"
she thought.
She handed the board back to Akane with a heavy sigh.
] *sigh* While I'm as much as supporter of Akane-Ranma pairing,
I dislike it when fanfics try to rush that particular pairing. Which
is clearly happening in here. Here, Ranma's already met Akane for
only a day, and he's thinking about how 'beautiful' she is.
] Avoid any possibility of romantic interests between them for
at least few days. Consider the possibility having them become
friends _first_. 'Cute' or 'nice to be with' would be okay.
] Just don't have them knock themselves out and start makin'
moves on each other so soon after they meet.
"Akane.." she tried again but Akane silenced her with a glare.
She waited until she finished writing and again caught the whiteboard as
Akane
all but flung it at her.
'I thought you were different. I thought you were going to treat me like
anybody else, but you're just like them. You either hate me because I'm a
cripple and a freak or feel so sorry for me you that you treat me like some
fine china. What next, are you going to help me cross the street and make
like
a hero? Lets get one thing clear: I don't need or want your help!'
She snatched the whiteboard out of his hand and furiously began to write
something else.
"Akane." Ranma said for a third time. Akane ignored her and continued
writing.
"Akane." She kept writing.
"Akane, damnit, listen to me." Ranma hissed grabbing the whiteboard out of
Akane's hand.
] "...hissed, grabbing..."
Akane's eyes bulged. How dare that redheaded hussy! She was ready to pound
Ranma but stopped just for a second to listen. Ranma had earned that much
trust from the night before but as soon as she was done speaking...
] ..._hussy_? That's a term reserved for women. Akane already knows
about his curse. Use something like 'that chauvinist male!'
or something along these lines.
"I didn't beat on that Kuno jerk or try and help you out because
you..because..of..your..condition. I would have done that for anyone who
was
being bullied." Ranma struggled for the words; damn this was hard.
"An'..an'..yer right."
] Fix these ellipses. You should be aware of this, so it shouldn't
be trouble for you to spot these mistakes from now on.
Akane blinked, she was right?
"You can take care of yerself. The way you tore through those kendo clowns,
I've never seen anythin like that from anybody..cept maybe myself o'course.
Akane rolled her eyes.
] "...o' course..." (extra spacing between the accent and course)
Ranma didn't notice and nervously began tossing the whiteboard from one
hand
] "...didn't notice that and...
to the other as she continued speaking.
"Ya didn't need my help. You really are a good martial artist. Oh there is
] "Oh, there's..."
some room for improvement but that's the same for everybody. You really
didn't
need my help an..an..." Ranma stared at the floor, "An' I'm sorry bout
interfering."
Akane's eyebrows shot up. "He's apologizing? Never heard of boy doing that
before." Her thoughts were interrupted as Ranma continued speaking.
"Though ya are wrong 'bout something."
Akane's eyes narrowed. "Here it comes." She thought and clenched her fists;
ready to deliver a pounding.
Ranma held the whiteboard out to Akane. "Yer wrong about you being a freak
or
cripple. Yer not. This piece o' plastic don't mean nothin like that. It's
just
a tool, like a hammer or a fist. It don't mean nothing about the person
using
the tool." Ranma was getting increasingly nervous, "And in yer case..that
is..I...mean...thepersonusingthatwhiteboardiskindacute." Ranma finished the
sentence in one explosive breath.
] I'd rather have him say that he likes Akane
just as she is, but that's up to you.
] RANMA: Why worry 'bout that? I like ya just as you are.
She stared at the floor waiting for some sort of response from Akane; her
fingers were busy tying themselves in knots.
Akane couldn't believe what she had heard. The whiteboard clattered to the
floor from numb fingers. "Ranma..said....I was cute?" Her mind began
spiraling
in towards total system failure. "He..she said I was cute. Ranma said I was
cute. No one's ever called me cute before." Akane's began to get angry,
"That..that PERVERT! She's probably just saying that to get into my pants!
That jerk Ranma, she..he..IT...is just...just..." again her thoughts
dwindled
off in mid-sentence. Ranma wasn't looking at her, just staring at the hall
floor, her hands moving nervously, the picture of vulnerability.
] No comment. Can't think of anything suitable to say here, sorry.
Akane's mind seized up. "Ohmigod...ohmigod..did I just think of Ranma as an
'it'? He's cursed that's all. So what if he's turns into a girl, that's not
his fault. All she did was call me cute and I thought all those terrible
things about her. Oh God no, I'm as bad as Kuno!" and with a silent sob,
Akane
turned and fled down the hallway.
] This is nice scene. Having been rendered mute, Akane is aware
of the prejudice, so she should be more tolerant about Ranma's
curse. Once his curse becomes public, there's no doubt that he'll
encounter prejudice as well.
] As long as Akane keeps this in her mind, she'll be more
considerate about Ranma.
Ranma watched her run. She paused for a split second, "Was Akane..crying?"
then took off after her full speed.
Ranma caught to Akane who was huddled in a corner behind some locker. Her
body
wracked with silent sobs. It was, in its own way, a horrifying sight, A
] Decaptialize that 'A.' replace that last comma with semicolon.
And the next section is an incomplete sentence.
young,
attractive girl curled up on the floor. Her face wet with tears and her
mouth
hanging open; trying to express her pain through sobs but only silent cries
are there. Ranma approached cautiously.
] "...cries were there..." Subject/verb agreement rule.
"Akane?" She asked quietly. When Ranma gently touched a hand to Akane's
should
] shoulder
the youngest Tendo began flailing wildly but Ranma would not be brushed off
so
easily.
] "...failing wildly, but..."
"What's wrong Akane? Tell me!" Akane continued to shake her head, refusing
to
look Ranma in the face. Ranma gently took hold of both of Akane's
shoulders.
"Tell me what's hurting you Akane. I'm your friend, I promise I won't get
mad."
Slowly Akane looked up into Ranma eyes. Then, with her eyes still full of
tears she began writing.
Ranma knelt down beside Akane and patiently waited for the ebon haired girl
to
finish.
] "Slowly, Akane..." "...into Ranma's eyes." And ebony is misspelled here.
'I'm a terrible person. You said I was cute and no one's ever said anything
like that to me. And you said it, even though I just treated you so
terribly.
And when you said I was cute, I don't know why, but I got angry and scared.
You were trying to be nice and all I could do was get angry at you. I
thought
awful things about you just because you turn into a girl and said I was
cute!
I'm as bad as Kuno, I don't deserve your friendship. I'm just a cruel,
freak.'
Ranma blinked. She re-read the message just to give herself some time to
think. "I'm no good at this talking stuff." She thought. "But Akane is
really
hurting. Oh please God, let the Saotome-Foot-in-Mouth-Technique not be
paying
attention."
Ranma took a careful breath. "Akane." The youngest Tendo was again looking
at
the floor, refusing to face Ranma. "Akane, yer not as bad as Kuno. I really
don't know why you might have gotten angry. I ain't no good at this talking
stuff. All I know is how I feel. My feelings are tellin' me lots of things
right now. You treated me all right about my curse and didn't make fun of
me
or nothin. Just accepted it and treated me like everybody else. You helped
me
out this morning with that old lady and the water and tried to keep me from
getting in a fight with that jerk, Kuno. Like I said, I don't know much
about
this talking and emotional stuff, but I do know the way you acted are not
the
acts of a terrible person."
'But I thought these things!'
Ranma handed the whiteboard to Akane. She had stopped crying but still
refused to look Ranma in the face.
"So you thought those things, big deal. That don't mean yer as bad as Kuno.
Everybody thinks things that they regret later. I guess. I haven't been
around
people so much. I do know at times I thought things about my Pop that I
regretted later. Course that's different now," Ranma gave his head a tiny
shake to break that chain of thought, "If anything Akane, there's the proof
that you are not like Kuno. You may think bad things at times, but you
didn't
act on em'. Kuno does, so that's what makes him such a jerk. Kinda sad
really.
And Akane," she still refused to look at Ranma so Ranma gently cupped
Akane's
chin and slowly forced the Tendo girl to meet her gaze. Akane found herself
lost in the big bluish-grey eyes of Ranma's. "I meant what I said, you
really
are cute."
Ranma watched as a dim light began to glow in Akane's eyes, and the sad
visage of a girl in pain slowly slipped away as hope began shine through.
Akane's eyes asked the question.
Ranma laughed, "Yes I'm sure." And Akane's face shone like the sun, with a
huge beautiful smile.
Ranma was frozen by that smile. "Beyond cute." Echoed in her mind.
] X-inay on that part; It's been only a day and I doubt that Ranma'd
be considering romatic relationship with her so early. AND he'd
still have get used to Akane's scarring.
] See more of my comments at the end.
Ranma pulled Akane to her feet. "C'mon Akane lets get outta here. We can
get
some lunch ok? My buy."
] "...Akane, let's..." "...lunch, OK?"
Akane responded with a nod and, hand in hand, two girls, both burdened by
life but never broken, ran out into the rain, hand in hand.
] You've used the same term 'hand in hand' twice in less than a
sentence; that's redundant. Fix that.
=======
COMMENTS
Generally, I found this story to be somewhat dull. Consiering
that there's the original and three spin offs, you'll have to
strive to be more creative in order to differnate this story
from the rest.
SabreBabe's 'When You're a Stranger' is a good example; she
explores the concept of 'mute-Akane' deeper by introducing
sign language, private schools for the disabled, and
forcing Ranma to face the disabled youths. All which makes
that fic unique, IMHO. Try to give this story some 'spice' or
flavoring to make it more interesting.
And in here, I've noticed that Ranma practically ignores
the fact that Akane's a 'hopeless cripple.' In the original,
which I assume this fic happens right afterwards, Ranma's
replused by the sight of Akane's scarring. And he remained
uncomfortable about the fact afterwards.
Yet, in this chapter, this uncomfortablity rarely appears
in this fic, if at all. I doubt that he'd have adjusted to that
so quickly. Give him some reasonable amount of time to
accept it.
Well, that's all I've got to say. Here's hoping that you'll
be able to improve this story. Right now, with three
spinoffs of 'Mute-Akane' fics in circulation, it's
hard keep my interest in any of them for long. They
all read and feel same to me (with the exception of
When You're a Stranger, but even that's fading away).
Expect my C&C on part 2 in few days.
Good luck,
DA/R
Dark Alpha
AlphSailor@aol.com