Just a few comments about Girl Days 17.
First of all, I find it rather odd that you build up Kuno's role and then
peter it out in the end. I think he should have a bit more of an active role
than just rightly thinking that he shouldn't get near the Tendou household.
Either that, or not make him the centerpiece of the chapter. Since the action
seems to focus more on Mousse & Ryouga than Onna-Ranma, et. al. you should have
focuses the story on them.
Secondly, I'd check out your grammar. When I read the story out loud, there
were a few places that didn't seem to sound right. But, I'm no grammar expert,
so I'd just suggest you look over your story a bit.
As for Helga, it seems that she's nothing more than a Shampoo clone even
through you made her sound like she's a bit different, particular with "Girl
Days 16" in mind. And she's a Chinese Viking, right? So, shouldn't she have a
hint of a Norwegian dialect? I don't recall reading a "ya" or something like
that. I also think she should have some differences that makes her stand out
against Shampoo.
Otherwise, it's not bad, but not as good as your earlier work. I'm hoping
Girl Days 18 will be even better.
---Andrew