C&C (of a sort) Below. Snippage throughout.
Making Kittens
A Ranma 1/2 - All-Purpose Cultural Catgirl Nuku Nuku Spamfic
By
D.F. Roeder
Technical C&C may seem overkill for spamfics, but I think they
deserve it as much as normal fics. That's why I'm writing this.
[...]
This spamfic is dedicated to Douglas MacDougall... just because. ^_^
This had nothing to do with it. Really. Would I lie to you?
[...]
"Excuse meee for interrup-tiiing!"
KASUMI: Father, did you engage us to Steve Martin?
NABIKI: Ooh, he's cute!
AKANE: "Wild and crazy?" I HATE wild guys!
Everyone in the house sat up or disengaged themselves from what they
had been doing,
making sure their shirts were buttoned up again.
[...]
Kasumi passed out of the kitchen, headed for the door. "My, how...
enthusiastic." The sound of the front door opening was clearly
audible to the people in the tearoom.
suggest: stepped out
or: glided out
(This avoids any confusion with the other meaning of "passed out".)
Am I to take it then, that Nuku Nuku yelled at the door?
I'd assumed she was in the house peering over someone's
shoulder or already talking to Kasumi. Is there any reason
why she didn't ring the bell?
[Bell rings]
KASUMI: Coming!
[Bell rings]
KASUMI: Just a moment!
[Bell rings]
KASUMI: [opens door] Hello?
[NUKU NUKU is on her back, playing with the bell]
"Errr... ... ... Can I help you?"
suggest: Ah...
or: Ano... (for you Japanese freaks. ^_^)
("Ah" sounds a little more refined than "Errr".)
[...]
"Hi! My name is Natsume Atsuko, but call me Nuku Nuku!"
Several people face-faulted.
suggest: big sweated
or: little sweated
(Facefaults are reactions to outrageous situations;
this one is just weird.)
"Ah... Certainly, Nuku Nuku san. What can I do for you?"
"Well... What is your name?"
KASUMI: Kasumi Tendo
NUKU NUKU: What is your quest?
KASUMI: To maintain the house.
NUKU NUKU: What is the average air-speed
velocity of a laden Japanese swallow?
KASUMI: Thirty-seven kilometers per hour.
NUKU NUKU: Oh good! Nuku Nuku can run that fast!
[dashes away] I'm coming for you, Mr. Birdie!
RUMIA: [deperately flaps] I'm not a swallow!
Get away from me!
NUKU NUKU: Don't worry! Nuku Nuku will swallow you!
A short pause and a rustle of clothing; Kasumi was probably bowing.
"My name is Tendou Kasumi. I am pleased to meet you."
"I am pleased to meet you, too, Kasumi-san!"
suggest: I'm pleased
(I believe Nuku Nuku would use the contraction;
I'll leave Kasumi's formality up to you.)
This exchange is awkward, especially with the blunt "what is your
name" and roundabout "she was probably bowing." As the section
doesn't actually add anything to the fic, I'd suggest you excise
it entirely:
"What can I do for you?"
"I'm looking for..."
Alternatively, when Nuku Nuku gives her name, Kasumi can
just give her own name then. After the introduction and
"pleased to meet you," then Kasumi can ask what she wants.
[...]
"I am looking for... for..." Everyone strained and leaned towards
the door, hearing the crinkle of paper. "Oh! I am looking for
Saotome Ranma-san! I am his fiancee! Papa-san, err--" *Crinkle,
crinkle.* "Papa-san bailed Genma-san out of jail. Engaged son to
daughter if both have... something, something... Did that come out
right? Is Ranma-san here? I like horsies!"
[Splash]
GIRL RANMA: Hi. I'm Ranma.
NUKU NUKU: But... You're a girl? [poke poke]
GIRL RANMA: [blushing] Draw your own conclusions.
NUKU NUKU: Oh. [pout]
GIRL RANMA: Well, I guess you should be leaving, now...
NUKU NUKU: [deploys ears]
GIRL RANMA: Eep!
NUKU NUKU: [after a few seconds] Don't worry. It's all fixed!
GIRL RANMA: Fixed?
NUKU NUKU: Yes, Mr. Papa didn't realize you were a girl.
GIRL RANMA: Well, these things happen.
NUKU NUKU: So Nuku Nuku called Ryunosuke.
GIRL RANMA: Ryunosuke?
NUKU NUKU: Mr. Papa's son. It looks like he gets to marry you!
GIRL RANMA: Eh?!
NUKU NUKU: Mr. Papa will be very happy. You'll
be a good wife for Ryunosuke, won't you?
GIRL RANMA: Uh... That is....
NUKU NUKU: Mrs. Mamma won't be happy if you don't treat
him right. Neither will Nuku Nuku! [frown]
ATTACK HELICOPTER P.A.: Akiko Mishima wishes to speak
with the girl who wants to marry her son.
NABIKI: [appearing out of nowhere] Akiko Mishima?
of Mishima Heavy Industries? [eye twinkle]
NUKU NUKU: Nuku Nuku thinks so...
NABIKI: [pulls out magaphone] I am the go-between for
Miss Saotome. I'll be happy to arrange her wedding
with young Mr. Ryunosuke.
GIRL RANMA: Hey!
GENMA: This is for your own good, boy!
GIRL RANMA: Pops?!
GENMA: After all, my only so-- (er) daughter will have to have
the money to support her loving parents as they grow old...
Akane glowered at Ranma, who cringed. Genma-panda was already
packing to leave when he was forced to stop by virtue of his son's
foot planted firmly in his face. Genma was then allowed to take a
nap.
punc: stop, by virtue of
(I think.)
"Well, yes," Kasumi said, "he is, but you see, Ranma already has
fiancees-- already has a fiancee."
suggest: "Well, yes he is," Kasumi said, "but you see
(It's better to break the quote apart at the conjunction,
which is really joining two different sentences already.)
[...]
"Just, ah, what exactly are you?"
suggest: "If I might ask,
[...]
"I am a real, live, walking, talking, breathing PERSON now!"
[...]
"Well, I was a cat first..."
NUKU NUKU: But then I learned the human fist! Chocolate bars
were tied around me and I was thrown into a pit of starving
humans... [sniffle]
punc: "Well, I was a cat, first..."
Ranma went white and started shaking.
suggest: turned white
"Then Papa-san put me inside an android body, and then I was a
girl... sort of."
RANMA: Why would anyone want a cat to pilot a human-sized
robot? HOW could a cat pilot a human-sized robot?
NABIKI: I think she means that her brain was
put in the android body. Isn't that right?
NUKU NUKU: A brain? Nuku Nuku doesn't have one of those.
(Do they taste good?)
Much scratching of heads ensued.
NUKU NUKU: Sorry about the flees. Mr. Papa took them off me
when I was a cat and put them inside android bodies...
"Then a pretty lady came out of the mirror one day and said, 'Nuku
Nuku, you get a wish!' Well, she didn't say Nuku Nuku. She was very
formal and called me Natsume Atsuko-san! Anyway, I could not decide
whether to be a cat again or a girl, but the pretty lady said I
could be both!"
Again, this doesn't really add anything to the fic. Indeed, it
detracts from it; it's a arbitrary addition. A literal feles ex
machina.
I mean, why does Nuku Nuku have to be a physical cat girl? So
she can have the title "kittens"? There's plenty of precedent
for androids in anime that can bear children. Is it to set
Ranma off into the cat mode? Nuku Nuku's deployed ears and
mannerisms should be plenty for that.
[...]
"Is Ranma-san here? Can I at least say hello? I love horsies!"
NUKU NUKU: Mackerel and horsemeat are my two favorite foods!
RANMA: Must run away... Must run away...
Ranma was waving his hands at the door, mouthing 'NO! NO!'.
Ranma's not within eyeshot of the door, so there's no point to waving
or mouthing; she won't see him. So who is he directing this at?
"I, er, suppose it would be okay."
suggest: I... I suppose
(I'll restate my "Er" comment.)
Footsteps sounded in the hall, and Kasumi appeared in the hallway
entrance to the tearoom and stepped aside. Everyone gasped. A person
of intermediate height, Nuku Nuku sported a glorious mane of pink
hair. Two tufted cat ears rose out of the mass, and twitched this
way and that. The ears, as well as the visible parts of her body not
covered with the sundress she wore, were covered in a downy tan fur.
The sundress was stretched around the chest
in six shapely bulges,
(Fur? That's a little too catlike. ^_^)
and loose in the waist.
Tabby stripes rose up the back of her neck and partially down her
arms, one could probably assumed the stripes descended down her
back, as well, especially since a similarly marked tail flicked in
and out of view from behind Nuku Nuku. Her orange eyes had slitted
irises, and they twinkled merrily.
suggest: Dark stripes rose up the
("Tabby" is not a color.)
If you're going to make her that catlike, should she look like
her original cat self? That was light grey with dark stripes.
Yellow eyes with green irises.
Actually, it would probably be appropriate to have her hair color
match the dark fur color. Either brown, or (using my suggestion)
dark grey. But not pink.
[starts counting money marked "Bribe from G.K."]
[...]
"Definitely cat! Wheee!" She bent down and whispered in his ear. The
only word the rest could hear was 'kittens'. Ranma's eyes rolled up
into his head, and he yowled.
Why didn't Akane (a) step in or (b) knock Ranma out,
as per her standard operating procedures?
AKANE: Yeah! I'd never let that pass. The price for
stopping Ranma from being perverted is eternal vigilance!
"HA! Ranma-san IS a cat! Can't catch Nuku Nukuuu!" Nuku Nuku bounded
into the backyard, neko-Ranma hot on her tabby-striped tail. He
caught her, and they tussled around, Nuku Nuku giggling.
Until, of course, he clawed her into six Nuku Nuku strips.
NABIKI: Well, that's one way to deal with extra fiancees...
AKANE: Ranma!
RANMA: [cowers]
AKANE: I know you don't like cats, but
that's really no way to behave!
RANMA: [rubs head along AKANE'S leg] Nya?
AKANE: Okay. [sighs] I know it wasn't your fault.
RANMA: Nya!
AKANE: [evil smirk] Say, Ranma, do you want to visit Shampoo?
suggest: hot on her striped tail
(Tabby-striped would be redundant; "tabby" *means* striped.)
"Nuku Nuku PUNCH!"
KASUMI: My goodness! I never would have
thought to add catnip to the fruit juice.
[...]
Akane lay in bed, handfuls of bedsheet in her fists.
sp: bed sheet
[...]
"ARGH!!!" Akane got out of bed, opened her window, and tossed out a
barbell, but it was too dark to make out anything below. "Take
THAT!" She wished she'd had a bucket of water, but all the buckets
had been shredded for some strange reason.
Nuku Nuku doesn't know about Ranma's curse, and cat-Ranma doesn't
have the presence of mind to destroy the buckets. The "for some
strange reason" feels like a cop out.
You'd be better off not having Akane think about buckets at all.
[...]
----- Disclaimers -----
Ranma 1/2 is the property of Takahashi Rumiko, Shonen Sunday Comics,
Shogakukan, Fuji, and Kitty TV (Japan), and Viz Communications, Inc.
(USA).
North America. Unless you consider Canada the Maple Leaf State. :j
(Think carefully before you answer. Two of the FFML moderators
come from the Great White North. ;)
All-Purpose Cultural Catgirl Nuku Nuku (Banno Bunka Nekomusume)
characters and situations are copyright 1992 Movic/King Records/Yuzo
Takada/Futaba Sha. This work is not intended to infringe those
rights. (Thanks to Vince Seifert for the BBN disclaimer.)
Bolt, Beranek and Newman hold rights to Nuku Nuku?
BBN: Well, we DID invent the Internet...
MARKETING GUY: Buy your very own Android NK 1124 unit! They're
standards compliant! Not like that proprietary "Multi" robot.
----
I've seen Ranma crossovers with All Purpose Cultural Cat
Girl where Ranma turns into a cat and plays with Nuku Nuku.
Likewise he plays with Ryo-Ohki in Tenchi crossovers.
I hate those fics. ^_^;
Ranma doesn't like cats, even when he is one. Remember how he
treated the cats Gosunkugi collectedfor him, and the ghost cat
(version one)? That he would for "some strange reason" be
amorous with Nuku Nuku stretches my credulity to the breaking
point.
Sorry, but after Ranma started chasing Nuku Nuku, the story
lost all appeal for me.
That aside, the fic could be a little stronger. Be vicious
cutting out parts that don't build directly to the conclusion.
You might want to remove the first reference to "kitties," as
it steals the thunder from the end.
On a positive note, I'm happy to see that Ranma wasn't trying
to get in touch with his feminine side at all. For that matter,
he was male for the entire fic! You've finally broken your
typecasting, Dave! Congratulations! :D
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"