DATE: Tue, 29 Aug 2000 23:38:09
From: Jeff Smith <ajaff@poky.srv.net>
To: Fanfic Mailing List <ffml@fanfic.com>
This is my first attempt at a fan fic. I know
it's kinda raw, and rough in some spots, but
one has to start somewhere, right?
Right. And just IMO, it's a pretty good start. Coincidentally, this is my first attempt at posting C&C to the FFML. Here's hoping I've managed to troubleshoot any line wrapping or formatting problems. My sincere apologies to one and all if I haven't.
To JP, I'd like to say that I'm sorry that this C&C is not as timely as I would have liked it to have been. The comments presented here are just my opinions. They are offered as food for thought, and while I hope you find them helpful, you can use them or ignore them at your discretion. You are the ultimate arbiter of their value.
Lengthy artifact snipped.
NDThe Final Straw
by JP Buckner
ajaff@poky.srv.net
Stand by for disclaimer
wait for it...
Ranma 1/2 doesn't belong to me. Rumiko
Takahashi created it. I had nothing to do with
it. I wish I had.
That is the end of the disclaimer. We now join
our regularly scheduled fanfic already in
progress.
It was morning, and I was beginning to waken. I
wasn't sure if I wanted to be awake right now.
Suggestion: "then" instead of "now" to avoid what seems to be a shift in tense.
I was afraid of what I would see when I opened
my eyes, afraid it would be the same thing I've
been looking at the last few days. I was hoping
it was just a dream, just a nightmare, and I
would wake up and everything would be normal
again. But each day that I awoke to this place,
that hope died just a little more.
I knew I couldn't wait forever, eventually I
would have to face what lay out before me. So I
began to stretch my arms, and slowly I began to
open my eyes.
Damn. I was still here. In this prison.
Oh, it certainly wasn't an ordinary prison. It
was lush and green and pleasant and peaceful
Ah. Our first clue as to our narrator's identity. Nice stuff.
But it was still a prison, of which I was its
it's
captor. And for the life of me, I have no idea
of how I got here.
I looked around, and saw it was a beautiful
morning, the sun was just coming out, I could
see the reflection of it on the pond, filled
with water. Cold water. Why couldn't there any
hot water anywhere in this place?
I heard a noise above me, the sound of a throat
clearing. I looked up, and above me, behind
some kind of a railing, one too high for me to
reach or even jump to (yes, I've tried that, to
no avail), he was watching me. Finally, he is
here, he has come to help me, to free me from
my bondage. I know I can count on him, as I
have been able to count on him for much of my
life.
Again, I think you have some tense shifting going on. Suggest:
Finally, he was here. He had come to help me, to free me from my bondage. I knew I could count on him, as I have been able to count on him for much of my life.
Then I notice his eyes. His eyes, watching me,
not with the joy of seeing me again. But with
sadness, there is almost a tinge of melancholy
to his look.
Suggestion:
Then I noticed his eyes. His eyes, watching me, not with the joy of seeing me again, but with sadness. There was almost a tinge of melancholy to his look.
I need
needed
to ask so many questions of him, but this was
no longer an option. All forms of communication
were taken away from me, more than likely from
by
whomever put me here.
Gasp! Deprived of signboards and markers? How diabolical! :-)
Finally he spoke.
"Saotome, it saddens my heart to see you here
like this. But there is no other way. I am
sorry for doing this to you, I hope in time you
can forgive me."
What, HE did this to me, he's the one who put
me here, he's the one who has done this?
Suggestion:
What? HE did this to me? He's the one who put me here?
This must be some kind of a bad joke, he would
never do such a thing to me, never!
Suggestion:
This had to be some kind of a bad joke! He would never have done such a thing to me! Never!
I shook my head in disbelief, and anger began
to fill me. I try
tried
harder than I have
had
tried before to jump, to reach up to the
railing, to gain my freedom, to reach my
jailer, my friend.
But alas, I cannot.
could not.
"It is of no use, Saotome, this is your home
from now on. It's time you got used to the
fact. It's your own fault, you just couldn't
leave well enough alone, could you?
You have a tendency to write run-on sentences.
It's your own fault. You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?
Finally, what we were trying so hard to make
happen was actually happening, and you had to
let your own foolishness, your own stubbornness
get in the way," the tears began to swell in
his eyes, a sight I was used to seeing, odd it
was to see this fine man, my friend, come apart
so easily and so often.
I suggest you end the sentence at "a sight I was used to seeing." Aside from avoiding another run-on, why would Genma find the sight of Soun breaking down in tears in any way odd? It's an almost daily occurrence and the familiarity of it might even seem comforting to Genma.
Tor snips ahead to:
It was a typical day at the Tendo home. No,
actually it was fairly quiet, no odd
challengers, no assorted fiancees, no splashes
of cold water coming out of who knows where, no
yelling between Ranma and Akane. In fact it
seemed like a normal day for anywhere except
the Tendo home. Which made it anything but
typical for this place.
I like the idea behind this paragraph, but I think it might be improved upon by rephrasing it somewhat. Of course I could just be having a knee-jerk reaction to the cliche, "It was a typical day at the Tendo home/dojo."
Snip.
"Grr, why do we have to learn such a weird
language anyways. English is just so, so
confusing!
anyways? English is just so... so confusing!
Why can't it be easy, like Japanese?"
Nabiki had to chuckle to herself on that,
"Akane, I'm sure Japanese is just as confusing
for English speaking people as English is for
us. Why do you think so few of them can speak
Japanese, even just a little?"
Uh... because we're raised with delusions of cultural superiority, perhaps? :-)
Snip.
Everyone turned towards the voice, ready to see
the aged pervert back to make everyone's life
miserable. But Happosai was nowhere to be seen,
instead
seen. Instead
the sisters where treated to a
the
sight of their father frantically looking
around for his master, while Mr. Saotome sat at
the shoji board, a smile on his face.
Genma spoke up, "Oh, my mistake Tendo, I thought I saw him. Anyways, your move."
"Oh, my mistake, Tendo. I thought I saw him. Anyways, your move."
Snip.
"About time you got back, Ranma, where do you
think you've been?
"About time you got back, Ranma! Where do you think you've been?
I'm not too sure about the last of this. Where Ranma *thinks* he's been is probably less important to Akane than where he's *actually* been.
Please don't tell me you've been nuzzling with
that Chinese bimbo again, have you?", Akane was
just a little irate,
Two alternate suggestions:
Please don't tell me you've been nuzzling with that Chinese bimbo again!" Akane was just a little irate,
You haven't been nuzzling with that Chinese bimbo again, have you?" Akane was just a little irate,
and was waiting for him to respond, probably
with some lame excuse like always.
Everyone waited for Ranma's reply, worrying
that he'll
"he'd" or "he would"
say something stupid that would either land him
in the koi pond or subject him to a malleting.
Or both.
"Ah, gee Akane, well, uhh.."
"Ah, gee Akane. Well, uhh.."
"Come on, Ranma, what do you have to say for
yourself this time?"
"Akane, I'd like to, err, I wanna, geesh, man
why can't I....Oh, Akane, we need to talk. In
private."
Suggestion:
"Akane, I'd like to... err, I wanna... geesh! Man why can't I.... Oh, Akane, we need to talk. In private."
As Ranma said this, his eyes glanced over towards Nabiki.
"Gee, Ranma, whyever
why ever
are you looking at me? Don't tell me you want
to be engaged to me again?", Nabiki chided,
just loving any opportunity to get Ranma's
goat.
Ranma's face flushed, "uhh, no, Nabiki, this is
just private, ya know, between Akane 'n me.
Ranma's face flushed. "Uhh, no, Nabiki. This is just private, ya know, between Akane 'n me.
I don't want to share with the rest of the
family right now. Especially one who might try
to find some profit outta it."
"Moi?", Nabiki respond in mock disdain, "Would
*I* do something like that to you, I mean
you're practically family and all."
to you? I mean, you're practically
Ranma did not answer, instead he returned his
gaze to Akane, "Please, Akane, this is
somethin' we need to talk 'bout."
his gaze to Akane. "Please, Akane,
Akane seemed stunned, but eventually answered,
"Okaay, Ranma, let's head up to the roof, shall
we. We should be safe," Akane paused and gave
Nabiki a hard look, "from eavesdroppers up
there."
Suggestion:
Akane seemed stunned. "Okay, Ranma," she eventually answered. "Let's head up to the roof, shall we. We should be safe," Akane paused and gave Nabiki a hard look, "from eavesdroppers up there."
Ranma nodded and together he and Akane went
into the yard, where Ranma, grabbing hold of
her, made a leap up towards the roof.
Nabiki smiled to herself, "Idiots, as if I
don't have THAT covered.:"
Nabiki smiled to herself. "Idiots. As if I don't have THAT covered."
At which point she went to the TV,
Suggest replacing this comma with "and"
ran her fingers underneath it until she found a
switch. When she flipped it, the video on the
TV was gone, but the audio.....
"Nothing like a few carefully concealed
microphones to get the job done." Nabiki seemed
real pleased with herself.
"So Ranma, what is it you want to talk about?"
"So, Ranma, what is it you want to talk about?"
Hearing Akane's voice come out over the
television set stunned Soun, he looked at his
middle daughter with new appreciation.
stunned Soun. He looked
"Oh, this is so wonderful, my daughter is so
smart and so ingenious, if only your dear
mother were here now..."
"Oh, this is so wonderful! My daughter is so smart and so ingenious! If only your dear mother were here now..."
"Daddy, shush."
"Daddy, shush!"
"Well, gee, Akane, well, I..."
"Well, gee, Akane. Well, I..."
"Ranma, you dragged me up here to tell me
something, are you going to say it or what!"
tell me something. Are you going to say it, or what?"
Nabiki shot back a second from the strength of
Akane's voice.
This phrasing seems awkward.
"Gee, Akane, do you really think yelling at him
is going to help?"
"Akane, well, ahh geesh, I'm no good at sayin'
stuff like this, here, how 'bout I show you?"
Suggestion:
"Akane, well... ahh geesh! I'm no good at sayin' stuff like this. Here, how 'bout I show you?"
There was a pause as four sets of ears sat by
the television, holding their breaths to hear
what would happen next. Nabiki muttered, "I
knew I should have put a miniature camera up
there." After a moment, the silence was broken.
"Ran....Ran...Ranma, are you serious? This
isn't some kind of perverted joke or something,
right? You really want to...."
Suggestion:
"Ra... Ranma! Are you serious? This isn't some kind of perverted joke or something, is it? You really want to...."
"Yeah, Akane, I really do."
"Me? Not Shampoo, not Ukyo, me?"
Oh, what the folks inside the house must be thinking now! Seriously, if you wanted to, you could get some major double entendre going here. For example:
"I... I know it's kind'a small," Ranma said, his voice catching. "There's nothin' fancy about it either, but at least it oughtta' fit. If... if you want it, I mean..."
"I do want it, Ranma," Akane, replied. Through the television speaker, her voice sounded small and breathless. "It... it fits perfectly. Oh... oh, Ranma!"
Nabiki *really* began to regret the absence of a camera.
"They'retooyoungthey'retooyoungthey'retooyoung," Kasumi repeated like a mantra as she blushed profusely.
"Oh, my son is *so* manly," exclaimed Nodoka, who had slipped into the story unnoticed. "And so modest, too."
"Yeah, Akane, you, it's always been you, I was
just too nervous to say anything, to afraid of
what you might think, afraid of how they'd push
us if I told you how I really felt."
"Yeah, Akane, you. It's always been you. I was just too nervous to say anything, too afraid of what you might think, afraid of how they'd push us if I told you how I really felt."
You might consider making this speech a bit more awkward. IMO, Ranma doesn't like to admit that he's afraid of anything.
These next couple of paragraphs seem to continue the problem with run-ons. Instead of continuing with specific notes on this, I'll simply offer the following; Run-on sentences are your enemy! Learn to see them, and having seen them, edit them out of existence! For Duty and Humanity!
There was another pause where Kasumi broke in,
"Finally, they're finally talking, really
talking about this to each other. Oh, I'm so
happy for them."
"Ranma, I know how you feel, I was afraid too,
afraid they'd push us, afraid you'd laugh in my
face if I told you how much I cared for you."
"Care for me? Akane, you really care for me?"
You might want to rephrase Ranma's line so that it doesn't sound quite so Sally Field-ish. :-)
Snip.
"'Kane,
I don't know why the use of "'Kane" bothers me, but it does.
I know I've said some mean things to you, but I
never really meant them. You're not uncute.
You're not in the least bit uncute.
"So, what are you saying, Ranma? That you've been LYING to me since the day we met?"
Seriously, Ranma's standard for cuteness seems to be as much about attitude and behavior as it is about appearance. There are plenty of occasions when he has called Akane uncute and *meant* it.
In fact, when you smile, and when you laugh,
there ain't any cuter girls out there that I
know of. Present company excluded, of course."
Nice touch.
Snip.
"Akane, so you can't cook, big deal. I mean,
it's not like I'm expectin' ya to be an
"a" instead of "an"
normal, typical Japanese housewife. Let's face
it, Akane, all the girls that seem to get
attracted to me are anything but normal,
typical girls. And maybe, in time, if ya work
at, with patience and with Kasumi's help, or
even Moms,
Mom's,
you might not be such a bad cook anymore. And
even if that doesn't happen, there's nothin'
saying I can't do much
Maybe "most" instead of "much"
of the cookin'. Ya know, after working with Mom
on cooking, it's kinda fun, I kinda enjoy it.
It may not be 'manly' to admit, but ya,
"Ya?" Oh, no! Ranma's been possessed by the Swedish Chef! Hide all the knives, and for Heaven's sake, keep P-chan out of sight!
I think "yeah" would work better here.
I kinda like it."
Snip.
"But Ranma, I thought you always said that
girls are stupid and weak? How can I be
strong?"
Okay, my memory might be getting faulty in my old age, but when has Ranma ever said anything like this outside of fanfiction? Sure, he has specifically insulted Akane often enough, but usually in terms that imply strength or masculinity; "Macho chick," "Built like a gorilla," "Slow," "Waistless and flat chested." I honestly can't think of an in canon instance where he's said that girls in general are either stupid or weak.
Oh, and to any and all reading this, if you want to respond on this sort of character/canon issue, please do so privately. I wouldn't mind hearing from you, but let's not spam up the ML.
"Err, sorry 'bout sayin' that as much as I did.
It's just that, well, ya know how Pop is, and
all the stuff he's been tellin' me and teachin'
me over the years. I mean, yeah, for a long
time I believed that crap, 'til I came here,
and I saw just how strong and smart girls can
be. The curse probably helped with that too.
I've always known Pop was kinda stupid, I just
didn't realize how much so till I came here."
Genma is a hard man to defend. Over the course of the manga he does and says some pretty horrible things, but I don't ever remember him teaching Ranma that all girls are stupid and weak. IMO, you may be proceeding from assumptions more founded on other fanfiction than they are on the manga or anime characterizations.
Three pairs of eyes turned towards Saotome
Genma at this instant. It wasn't a pretty
sight, his face was turning beat red, his eyes
growing larger and if the idea of steam being
blown out on one's ears wasn't a well-worn
clich....
I guess this is an artifact that replaced an accented "e."
Snip.
The four waited there for a few minutes, eager
to confront the two once they returned from the
roof. After what seemed like an eternity, they
saw Ranma and Akane return to the front yard,
each transfixed into the other one's eyes, each
carrying a look of pure joy on their faces.
But such happiness was not to last. So intent were they on gazing into each others eyes that they walked directly into the koi pond. Ranma went female. Akane nearly drowned. Soun cried. Nabiki collected on the wagers. The moment was lost.
Kasumi looked at what was on Akane's finger,
"Oh my, Akane, that's just beautiful."
Ranma and Akane stopped, and looked into the
house, and noticed the looks on their families
"families'," I think.
faces. All of a sudden a blush crossed their
faces.
Snip.
"That's enough out of you! Being around these
girls have warped you, Ranma, I'm going to take
you on a long training trip, and maybe this
time I'll find some girl who's not so
headstrong to engage you to. A man among men
needs a proper Japanese wife, not one of these
modern girls, who seem to act more like a boy
than my own son!"
I know that this is the moment your story hinges on. This is the line that you need Genma to cross that results in his imprisonment. Would Genma actually do this, though? Getting Ranma and Akane hitched is the key element of his and Soun's Master Plan. Certainly, Genma is a man who is perfectly capable of forgetting his long range goals in the heat of the moment or in the face of temptation. The lure of French cooking caused him to briefly consider marrying Ranma to the very male Piccolette Chardin, for Pete's sake! The thing to remember about Genma is that while he is prone to getting sidetracked, he's only a beating away from regaining perspective. IMO, his worst decisions (the situation with Ukyo, her father and the yatai comes immediately to mind) have been made on occasions when there was no one present capable of pummeling some sense into him. That certainly isn't the case here.
Akane jumped in between Genma and Ranma, "You
are NOT taking him anywhere! After all this
time, we've finally managed to talk, I mean
really talk to each other,
Well, sort of. The conversation was pretty one sided. Ranma says lots and has a relatively easy time saying it, especially considering that this is Ranma we're talking about. Ranma is the Grand Master of the Foot-in-Mouth technique, and many of the things that he says that set Akane off were never intended to be hurtful. The comment he makes about her not being a "normal girl" like Nabiki at the start of the "Nabiki is Ranma's Fiancee" story arc is one example. I think it would be entertaining in this situation to have Ranma screw up and unintentionally say the wrong words a couple of times while Akane struggles to keep control of her temper, because she's pretty sure that he's at least trying to get to the good stuff.
And while we're on the subject of Akane, I think we simply need to hear more from her in this conversation. Ranma is apologizing left and right, and he should, but he gets nothing returned in kind from Akane. Granted, Ranma doesn't have a history of accepting apologies gracefully. In fact, he's been known to gloat. Nevertheless, Akane has said and done many things over the course of the series, lots of them intentional, that were hurtful to Ranma. I really think that in this situation she would take her chances and be at least as apologetic as Ranma is. As things stand, she seems uncharacteristically passive.
and Kami help anyone, and I mean ANYONE who
would try to get between us now!"
Snip.
Thank you," Ranma paused for a second, "Father.
You should know, Akane 'n me, we want to wait
'til we finish school before we, you know, get
married and all."
"I understand, son. If this is what the both of
you want, you have my support.
Is this the same man who once participated in knocking his youngest daughter unconscious and stuffing her into a wedding kimono? The same man who "leveraged" Akane into consenting to marry while still no older than seventeen by dangling the promise of a cure for Ranma's curse?
Snip.
Soun looked down at me and a look of sadness
once again crossed his face. "Old friend, you
are just too headstrong, too traditional
sometimes for your own good. After all that
time we spent to get our children together, you
were ready to let your foolish notions get in
the way.
"My daughters mean everything to me, Saotome,
everything. After their mother died, I vowed
that I would let nothing or nobody hurt them.
They mean more to me than my dojo, more than my
pride, more than my friend.
This is the same man who provides free room and board to an ancient pervert who frequently sexually harasses the youngest of his three teenaged daughters? I guess if Genma were as dangerous and scary as ol' Happosai this would be a very different story.
Snip.
"This zoo, Saotome, is far from Nerima. Chances
of anyone you know finding you by chance are
slim. And would they even recognize you if they
did come here? No, you won't get any help from
that front.
Oh, I don't know about that. Ryoga has been known to show up in the damnedest places. :-)
Snip.
"It's time I left now, the zoo will be opening
to the public shortly, and I want to sneak out
the way I came in before anyone catches me
here. I will try to come and visit you when I
can, Saotome, dispite
despite
all this, I still consider you my friend. I
hope in time you will understand what I have
done. Good bye, and I hope you have a good life
here."
Snip.
But yet, do I have myself to blame? Was it my
own foolishness that got me in this mess? Ranma
has been blaming me for so much for so long,
could I really be at fault?
Nah.
I look out over my prison, this zoo. The grass
in my exhibit, the panda exhibit is green and
lush. I can feel the mist coming off the pond,
as a small waterfall splashes into it. For a
prison, this is rather nice. I get fed on a
regular basis, I can just lounge around and do
nothing most of the day, and the people who
come to watch me are happy. No money woes, no
stress, perhaps, perhaps this won't be such a
bad life after all.
Hey, it could be worse.
I like these last few paragraphs, aside from the continuing problem with run-ons and tense shifts. These, I think, are very much in-character for Genma. The last sentence is a good "famous last words" set-up for the punch line.
snip
"Well, it's worth a shot. And don't forget
about the stuff the man how
who
brought the panda gave us? Didn't he say it
should help in any breeding attempts? What did
he call it again?"
"Passion spice, I think. Never heard of the
stuff myself, but considering how few pandas
there are in the world, and how they often seem
reluctant to breed, I'm willing to give it a
shot."
And the hoariest cliche in Ranma fanfiction rears it's head again! As a punch line, though, it's not too bad at all. I come away from it, however, thinking much less of Soun as a human being
END
If you've waded through all this, thanks. I hope you didn't come away from this thinking that I didn't enjoy the story. In fact, I did enjoy it, even though I don't necessarily agree with it in matters of canon and characterization.
The relationship between Genma and Soun is one of the elements of "Ranma 1/2" that seems to be under explored in fanfiction. I like your central premise that there is a line that Genma could cross with Soun that could lead to Soun taking these rather extreme measures against his old friend. I don't believe, however, that Ranma's overheard statements were provocative enough to elicit such extreme anger in the Genma that we are familiar with from either the manga or the anime, or that the Tendos couldn't resolve the situation by playing a quick round of "Pound the Panda."
In the comments I've made on tense in the narration, I opted to place things in the past tense since that was what you established in your first sentence. The narration could be told in the present tense if you feel that has greater impact, but whichever you use, you need to be consistent with it throughout.
"Run-on sentences is obstacle to readers' enjoyment of story," said Shampoo. "Obstacles is for killing!"
Finally, thanks for writing to begin with. I look forward to your future efforts.
Tor
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