Hmm. One by K'Thardin. I wonder if it'll be a Sasami lemon or a Tenchi gets
all the girls fic? <DB runs for cover>
Eternal Heavens
Author's forward: Welcome to the rewrite! Heh, in this I will attempt
to do everything that I wanted to do when I first started this fic.
I know the feeling. Sometimes it takes a few readings of something when
suddenly a 'Darn! I should have gone this way with it' come out of nowhere
and you end up doing a rewrite.
Gathering of the Children
-Walker of the Stars
<Opening Theme: Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns and Roses>
Never cared much for the 'opening theme' bits like this. Just personal, I
guess.
Sentient beings have a rather interesting view of how the universe
works.
Mostly it involves gratuitous amounts of spam and tight leather.
Some have a general feel that
'feeling' seems a bit better to me, but I think that's mostly a style thing.
the universe is alive; that it has
a consciousness. It watches us, studies us, and dissects us for some
unfathomable reason that only it and possibly some types of fungi could
understand. That to discover that purpose would drive one mad.
Or drive them sane if the universe is mad to begin with. It is all in
perspective, after all. :)
Some think that throughout all of this the universe guides
us...cares for us in it's
Argh! Not this one:
its
Actually I still make this mistake no matter how hard I try to watch out for
it. Still it is perhaps the most common grammar error one tends to see.
own way.
Some think that even the universe is the one being guided on some
I'd recommend changing the first 'Some' to 'There are those' since you use
some a second time in the sentence.
However most just think the universe is either a. out to get us,
and/or b. uses us for it's own personal entertainment.
I think it would look better if you did.
A: Out to get us
or
B: Uses us for its own personal entertainment.
And make sure in any case that you change it to 'its' again.
If you were Kiyone Makibi, it would be a bit more than a belief.
It would be a certainty.
Universe: Ironically, it's Kiyone who is the albatross around Mihoshi's
neck, though she is incapable of perceiving it in those terms. :)
Things started out OK
okay (always spell it out. Looks lazy otherwise.)
for her. She was your basic 5'10" 140 lbs
humanoid, with teal hair, blue eyes, better than average intelligence,
when compared to your average rock. :)
depended on the individual, of course. She had also found that she had a
distinct talent for espionage and covert operations, which she employed
in the humble and rewarding pursuit of justice, making her a perfect
candidate for the Galaxy Police
or corporate spy, which would pay much much more. :)
The answer was almost painfully obvious. Just when she thought she
was free, just when she thought nothing in this entire universe could
possibly save her from her foreordained
I think 'preordained' is more commonly used.
All had a little extra something that made their mission success an
actual possibility. Oh sure, the pay was much better as she had been
promoted to Major...of course that had been about meaningless,
considering you had to be at least lieutenant to be in this section.
Not if it means she gets to lord it over the other lower ranked personnel
outside the section.
The
danger was nothing she wasn't unaccustomed
AH! Too many negatives. Try something like:
...danger was nothing she was unaccustomed to
might be a better way of doing it, but nothing is coming to mind.
As it was most
was, most (I think)
didn't know the fact that she was still alive.
Awkward. I'd just go with
didn't know that she was still alive
Most
of those in Section X were presumed dead or missing by the general
populous, which had aided their operations more times than they could
count.
Definitely a black ops outfit then.
The only way she'd be able to see her erstwhile former partner was
if she were to be put on an assignment in which contact with that woman
was unavoidable. That didn't seem too likely all things considered, and
she had had to leave very abruptly after the Kain incident so she hadn't
gotten to spend any real 'quality time' with Mihoshi anyway.
But that didn't really worry Mihoshi, who was secretly spending a good bit
of 'quality time' (of the naughty version) with Tenchi. :)
The door to the office slid open behind her. She barely
acknowledged the diminutive presence of the Section Chief, as she walked
in and around Kiyone. Setting herself down on a seat behind the desk
across from Kiyone she
Kiyone, she
shuffled some papers in her 'In Box' and smoothed
back her hot pink hair, uncovering some tattoos that marked her as a
member of the Juraian Lords,
The Motorcycle Gang, not the actual royalty of Jurai, which sometimes
confused people.
very briefly before she focused her
attention on Kiyone.
"Mind getting rid of that?"
Kiyone absently grabbed the ball of green energy, reabsorbing it
into herself. Her arm glowed briefly for a moment in the aftermath of
it's
its
Three strikes. You're out! :)
snuffing.
"So, how is life?" The chief asked amiably.
"Same as usual." Kiyone replied.
The Chief chuckled. "Eh, didn't know it was that bad. Told you,
you should have taken some leave awhile back though." Kiyone rolled her
recommend a paragraph break between 'though' and 'Kiyone'
Kiyone was telling her.
This meant it would likely go into the files of unsolved mysteries
that took up more than their fair share of the storage facilities of this
particular starbase, which just happened to be the size of your average
spherical ship designed to annihilate worlds.
So you're saying this branch is highly incompetant and can't solve shit, eh?
:)
The Chief then picked up a small stack of papers she had set aside
on her desk, and
don't think you need the comma
"So, you'll want me to check it out." Kiyone stated as she nodded
her head in what she already knew would be an affirmative answer.
then it should be in the form of a question
...check it out?"
"Yes." The
Yes," the
momentarily after going off on that tangent. Kiyone had become well
acquainted with it over the years, and knew to just let that run its
course.
Yay! You got that one right. :)
Academy still considered...classified."
Growing a bit impatient, Kiyone decided to speed up the process a
bit. "You couldn't get anything other than 'Its
Sigh. Now the other way
"It's
the end! We will soon
be judged!' out of them?"
"No." the
"No," the
Chief stated. "The women and children were all huddled
around each other and praying to their patron goddess."
Tokimi. :)
Kiyone proceeded down the many twisting corridors of the office
levels, to one of the lifts that would take her down to the living
quarters of this space station. She could have taken an easier route,
but last time she did that, she accidentally wound up passing through and
shorting out one of the power transformers that led to her living
quarters. How was she to know the nebulous energy form that she used to
pass through matter would have had that effect on that piece of
equipment?
Evidently Kiyone has gone through some major changes, eh?
Of course, had they stopped to consider what she became while
incorporeal, it probably would have been apparent that phasing through
electronic gear was not a good thing, but hindsight 20/20 and all.
Just call her Shadowcat. :)
Well,
at least nothing had been permanently damaged, and there was a backup
transformer system that power was immediately rerouted to...still
something to keep in mind.
Coming to the lift
which the rest of the non-British world call elevators. :)
she keyed in the floor where her room was
located. The door to the spherical transport swung open and a couple of
other operatives passed her...one in particular caught her attention.
Like he would walk by without saying anything. She figured she
better go ahead and acknowledge his presence.
"Seion." Kiyone
"Seion,"
said in simple greeting.
Which translated into 'You look like a baboon's ass' in the alien's
language.
Which he would have none of. "Kiyone!" He
he
were it him. Well, actually she did now that she thought about it. When
he was first recruited, after his "accident," and turned into a nano-tech
cyborg she WAS quite worried...considering he'd vanished for months
without a trace before she had even found out where he had disappeared
to.
Why do I have a feeling there are chapters to his I missed, or will all of
this be explained later?
sister, so she was under his protection. She, however, had the same
sense of duty to those same people whom she loved as well. And she was
the eldest, if only by a couple of minutes, damn her. "I've...heard some
things. I've got a bad feeling about this one.
Famous last words (but it wouldn't be much of a story if nothing went wrong,
now would it?)
If you need help...if
you even think you have a problem..."
She smiled. "I'll call." she
call," she
told him reassuringly.
"By the way," he added as she entered the lift. "I've already
packed your stuff, and added a few extra gizmos in case you need 'em."
"Quit mothering me!" She
she
complained, as the doors closed.
"Someone has to." He
to," he
watch out for this sort of mistake. It seems to be cropping up often
The door to Kiyone's simple living quarters opened with a slight
hiss of solenoids being energized, and
no need for that comma (I think)
the Juraian skill of woodwork. Dark, almost a black color, and the
'grain' more sturdy than even some forms of battle armor, they were older
than many civilizations, and gifts from her former partner's mother, who
was a dealer in antiquities. Surprising such a thing found it's
its
food, it still tasted good), and an emergency beacon capable of returning
to base from any place in the given galaxy. That was only in the first
layer; pulling that out, she discovered what her brother had left her at
the second.
Vibrators. What every single woman alone on long range patrol needs. :)
"You sure know how to take care of a girl, that's for sure." she
sure," she
Kiyone mused on her upcoming assignment in the turbo lift, studying
the statuette, the one that the Chief had said was from the Youma
refugees, that had absentmindedly found it's
its
Interesting, but with a lot of grammar errors. If this is part of an earlier
work, it would be good to mention what work that is in the opening. Not much
happening other than the set-up. We'll see where you go from here.
D.B. Sommer