Alright, now I've already looked through this thing and what you did to me had my
girlfriend so jealous that someone outdid her in the infliction of the pain of
nitpicking so I hope you are satisfied with yourself. ^_^
I'm not going to respond to everything I did wrong...that would take far far too
long. Heh. Only thing I will say is THIS is why I don't usually hit people on
grammer when I review them. I've never been very good at it, and I have the english
scores to prove it. ^^ I mean, if *I* hit you on grammer, you know something is
seriously wrong. ^_^
Anyway off we goooooo!
Hmm. One by K'Thardin. I wonder if it'll be a Sasami lemon or a Tenchi gets
all the girls fic? <DB runs for cover>
Just for that remark I shall pay you the rebuke of getting whapped with a very large
and smelly trout! *WHAP WHAP WHAP!!!*
Eternal Heavens
Author's forward: Welcome to the rewrite! Heh, in this I will attempt
to do everything that I wanted to do when I first started this fic.
I know the feeling. Sometimes it takes a few readings of something when
suddenly a 'Darn! I should have gone this way with it' come out of nowhere
and you end up doing a rewrite.
Yeah, but when most of your fic is like that it really puts you down.
Gathering of the Children
-Walker of the Stars
<Opening Theme: Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns and Roses>
Never cared much for the 'opening theme' bits like this. Just personal, I
guess.
Yeah, not everyone likes it. I like it, because I like to know what kind of music
the author has in mind for the series...kind of like reading an anime if you will.
That's one reason I loved 'Undocumented Features.' I suppose it is a matter of
personal taste.
Sentient beings have a rather interesting view of how the universe
works.
Mostly it involves gratuitous amounts of spam and tight leather.
The tight leather being wrapped around that of a nubile female. ^_^
the universe is alive; that it has
a consciousness. It watches us, studies us, and dissects us for some
unfathomable reason that only it and possibly some types of fungi could
understand. That to discover that purpose would drive one mad.
Or drive them sane if the universe is mad to begin with. It is all in
perspective, after all. :)
Indeed. Which is what makes it so very much fun!
Actually I still make this mistake no matter how hard I try to watch out for
it. Still it is perhaps the most common grammar error one tends to see.
You saw a lot in this fic, I know. ^^;;
own way.
Some think that even the universe is the one being guided on some
I'd recommend changing the first 'Some' to 'There are those' since you use
some a second time in the sentence.
Noted and changed.
However most just think the universe is either a. out to get us,
and/or b. uses us for it's own personal entertainment.
I think it would look better if you did.
A: Out to get us
or
B: Uses us for its own personal entertainment.
And make sure in any case that you change it to 'its' again.
Let me try that and see what it looks like.
If you were Kiyone Makibi, it would be a bit more than a belief.
It would be a certainty.
Universe: Ironically, it's Kiyone who is the albatross around Mihoshi's
neck, though she is incapable of perceiving it in those terms. :)
Most are. Heh. Although one wonders if they are not the perfect matchup. One the
epidemy of order the other the ultimate expression of chaos. Ah, the mysteries of
the cosmos!
for her. She was your basic 5'10" 140 lbs
humanoid, with teal hair, blue eyes, better than average intelligence,
when compared to your average rock. :)
Ouch. Not a Kiyone lover? ^_^
depended on the individual, of course. She had also found that she had a
distinct talent for espionage and covert operations, which she employed
in the humble and rewarding pursuit of justice, making her a perfect
candidate for the Galaxy Police
or corporate spy, which would pay much much more. :)
And probably be safer.
The answer was almost painfully obvious. Just when she thought she
was free, just when she thought nothing in this entire universe could
possibly save her from her foreordained
I think 'preordained' is more commonly used.
I'm still checking on that one.
All had a little extra something that made their mission success an
actual possibility. Oh sure, the pay was much better as she had been
promoted to Major...of course that had been about meaningless,
considering you had to be at least lieutenant to be in this section.
Not if it means she gets to lord it over the other lower ranked personnel
outside the section.
Yeah, but she rarely gets to meet those kinds of GP. ^^
The
danger was nothing she wasn't unaccustomed
AH! Too many negatives. Try something like:
...danger was nothing she was unaccustomed to
might be a better way of doing it, but nothing is coming to mind.
Ack! The EVIL double negative! Thank you for pointing that out. I'd hate to be
classified with the likes of say...Ranma.
Awkward. I'd just go with
didn't know that she was still alive
Yeah, that sounds better.
Most
of those in Section X were presumed dead or missing by the general
populous, which had aided their operations more times than they could
count.
Definitely a black ops outfit then.
Or haze grey depending on the species. ^_^
The only way she'd be able to see her erstwhile former partner was
if she were to be put on an assignment in which contact with that woman
was unavoidable. That didn't seem too likely all things considered, and
she had had to leave very abruptly after the Kain incident so she hadn't
gotten to spend any real 'quality time' with Mihoshi anyway.
But that didn't really worry Mihoshi, who was secretly spending a good bit
of 'quality time' (of the naughty version) with Tenchi. :)
I wouldn't CURSE Mihoshi with Tenchi (pay attention to the wording, heh).
shuffled some papers in her 'In Box' and smoothed
back her hot pink hair, uncovering some tattoos that marked her as a
member of the Juraian Lords,
The Motorcycle Gang, not the actual royalty of Jurai, which sometimes
confused people.
Mind if I use that in my fic somewhere? ^_^
very briefly before she focused her
attention on Kiyone.
"Mind getting rid of that?"
Kiyone absently grabbed the ball of green energy, reabsorbing it
into herself. Her arm glowed briefly for a moment in the aftermath of
it's
its
Three strikes. You're out! :)
But I barely got to play!!! ;_; Heh.
Kiyone was telling her.
This meant it would likely go into the files of unsolved mysteries
that took up more than their fair share of the storage facilities of this
particular starbase, which just happened to be the size of your average
spherical ship designed to annihilate worlds.
So you're saying this branch is highly incompetant and can't solve shit, eh?
:)
Actually no, they've been at this for about...60 or 70 thousand years. ^^
momentarily after going off on that tangent. Kiyone had become well
acquainted with it over the years, and knew to just let that run its
course.
Yay! You got that one right. :)
Break out the BEER!!! ^_^
Chief stated. "The women and children were all huddled
around each other and praying to their patron goddess."
Tokimi. :)
Nope. ^_^ Not even in the same ballpark. Heh.
Kiyone proceeded down the many twisting corridors of the office
levels, to one of the lifts that would take her down to the living
quarters of this space station. She could have taken an easier route,
but last time she did that, she accidentally wound up passing through and
shorting out one of the power transformers that led to her living
quarters. How was she to know the nebulous energy form that she used to
pass through matter would have had that effect on that piece of
equipment?
Evidently Kiyone has gone through some major changes, eh?
Well, she did get dipped in some cosmic goo...
Of course, had they stopped to consider what she became while
incorporeal, it probably would have been apparent that phasing through
electronic gear was not a good thing, but hindsight 20/20 and all.
Just call her Shadowcat. :)
Naa...the hair is the wrong color.
Well,
at least nothing had been permanently damaged, and there was a backup
transformer system that power was immediately rerouted to...still
something to keep in mind.
Coming to the lift
which the rest of the non-British world call elevators. :)
The bad thing is, I had both British and U.S. instructors in school being that I was
a military brat; so I mix the words and usage and even spellings up a lot. *sigh*
They've warped my fragile little mind! ^_^
were it him. Well, actually she did now that she thought about it. When
he was first recruited, after his "accident," and turned into a nano-tech
cyborg she WAS quite worried...considering he'd vanished for months
without a trace before she had even found out where he had disappeared
to.
Why do I have a feeling there are chapters to his I missed, or will all of
this be explained later?
Explained later. If you want, check out Gensao's archive to see the stories by him.
They are rather funny, but in script format. The author's name is Patrick Stewart.
Yeah, he gets a lot of jokes for that one.
sister, so she was under his protection. She, however, had the same
sense of duty to those same people whom she loved as well. And she was
the eldest, if only by a couple of minutes, damn her. "I've...heard some
things. I've got a bad feeling about this one.
Famous last words (but it wouldn't be much of a story if nothing went wrong,
now would it?)
It'd be kind of like watching Fancy La La or eps of the Care Bares over and over
again. Gods of destruction give me strength...
to," he
watch out for this sort of mistake. It seems to be cropping up often
noted.
food, it still tasted good), and an emergency beacon capable of returning
to base from any place in the given galaxy. That was only in the first
layer; pulling that out, she discovered what her brother had left her at
the second.
Vibrators. What every single woman alone on long range patrol needs. :)
You know I should have included that. ^_^
Interesting, but with a lot of grammar errors. If this is part of an earlier
work, it would be good to mention what work that is in the opening. Not much
happening other than the set-up. We'll see where you go from here.
Naa, this is the beginning. I'm setting the stage, and plan to meander around for a
bit. Don't worry, all will be explained (or I'll be bludgeoned into explaining it,
I'm sure ^_^). As for the grammer errors, I know. I really need a full time
prereader instead of just showing up on the chatroom and asking if anyone wants to
take a look at the fic. ^^
Oh well, thanks. Really, thank you! This is going to help a great deal.
Talk to you later!
K'thardin
"One shall stand, one shall fall."
-Optimus Prime
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