Eslington <p_and_g@cableinet.co.uk> wrote:
Just something I wrote...
C&C please, this is my first non-spamfic for Ranma 1/2.
And once again, a reminder that the best way to get more C&C is to do
more of it yourself. :)
Okay. On the opening bit: I must confess I didn't see the point of it.
It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the actual story -- and the
fact that it's only summarized also seems to indicate its unimportance
to anything. Why, then, is it there? If it has something to do with some
later development, then describe it in some detail and make it clear
that something is happening that we should be concerned about, *not*
just stuff we've seen countless times before. Otherwise, I strongly
suggest you get rid of it.
"Definitely," said Ukyou. "Do one of Ran-chan."
Sayuri smiled at the praise and spoke in a slightly deeper voice. "Hey, Ucchan.
Aren't you lucky to be engaged to a stud like me?"
Now *this* was a fun bit. IMO, the fic should've started with this
scene.
P-chan bweed in agreement.
"I think he'd appreciate that," said Ukyou. "But for now we can just leave him
here on the counter." Konatsu nodded in agreement and walked off on another
errand.
Two "in agreement"s right in a row here. You may want to reword one of
them for variety.
The customer sipped his tea as he walked back to Ukyou, intent on asking for
another serving of (you guessed it) okonomiyaki.
Don't talk directly to the reader. It's never as funny as you think
it'll be, and it breaks the illusion of the story reality.
"..." said Ukyou.
"..." said a few of the customers, shrugging and returning to their meals.
After all, this sort of thing happened a lot around here.
"..." said Sayuri. "Was that some sort of publicity stunt that just streaked
through here?"
Try not to overuse the "..." said so-and-so. It's cute when done in
moderation.
"..." said Ryouga.
Arrg.
"This is something you're going to have to do eventually. Doubt or certainty?
Which is it to be?"
RYOGA: Um... doubt! Definitely doubt!
Ryouga nodded and turned to face the door of the house. Taking long but
Hesitant strides, he reached the front door and knocked. Kasumi answered,
There's no reason to capitalize "hesitant" here.
"Hello Ryouga," she said. "It's nice to see you again."
"Hello, Ryouga,"
"I think you're going to be angry when you hear this, but I want you to promise
to let me explain fully and answer questions before you hit me."
[Hit him?] thought Akane. [This must be serious if he thinks I'm going to hit
him.] "I promise," she said, mentally preparing herself for the worst.
"I..." Ryouga hesitated again. "I'm... That is I... I..."
AKANE: *WHAP!*
[snip]
Akane, IMO, needs more of a reaction to discovering the truth about
P-chan. The exact nature of the reaction is open for debate, but she
just doesn't seem to show much emotion at all in this. The blah way in
which she took the revelation just wasn't believable to me.
Ukyo could also use more of a reaction to this. She's fine in the middle
of the fic, as she shows a genuine desire to help Ryoga combined with
wanting to use him to eliminate her major rival. But in the end, she
kind of falls flat.
Hope this helps; good luck with this and any other fics you attempt.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html