Hey there fellow FFML'ers. This little romp in the
park had me laughing pretty hard when I found it on my
hard drive. I don't even believe that I wrote this.
The whole thing is a huge mockery of different anime
genres. It's got two chapters so it's kinda long. Feel
free to C&C this one. NOTE: The author has no spell
checker on his ancient computer.
Baka Yaro! Part 10
by Ryo & Kenji
==========================================
Standard Disclaimer: Baka Yaro is owned by Fallout
Studios(tm). Some cameos may appear and we don't claim
ownership of them. Please don't sue us! We're too
pathetic. Besides, immitation is the best form of
flattery. Right?
==========================================
STORY 02: Payback's a Bitch
Chapter 10: The Truth about Dojos
The sun rises over a certain clock tower a week after
the horrific battle. There are spirit wards hung all
over it. The "No Women Allowed" sign hangs over the
door where two armed guards have been stationed. The
distinct sound of helicopters can be heard in the
distance.
----------------------------------------
At Lee's dojo, Lee is sitting in front of the dojo,
sunbathing. He puts the mirror down and begins to
apply sunscreen. He whips out a megaphone and directs
it toward Shin, who is sitting in his vacant lot,
meditating.
Lee: Hey! That "mail order dojo" of yours should be
arriving any day now!! (Puts the megaphone away) Mail
order dojo... heh, what a fool.
Suddenly the sound of helicopters is incredibly loud.
Lee glances up, and sprays sunscreen all over himself.
He jumps to his feet and stares as two gigantic
helicopters lower the dojo to the ground, where Shin
is directing them.
Lee: What the-- it's not possible!
Lee runs over to the sidewalk inbetween the two dojos,
the sidewalk acts as a property line. He stares,
wide-eyed, as Shin and Kenzan go over their new dojo.
Shin gives it the thumbs-up and the helicopters take
off.
----------------------------------------
Shin walks into the dojo and lays down on his futon,
which is already set up. Kenzan surveys the other
rooms, turns on the water faucet, which works. Kenzan
flips the light switches on and off to make sure the
electricity works. Shin immediatly walks over to the
refrigerator,which is fully stocked. Shin takes out
some kind of meat and sets to making a sandwich.
Kenzan: Yep, this baby had everything.
Suddenly the door swings open and Lee marches in,
forehead wrinkled in anger.
Lee: Hideoshi!
Lee grabs Shin by the collar and shakes him.
Lee: You... you... I'm gonna... you... DIE!!!
Shin calmly kicks Lee square in the nuts, spins, and
kicks him in the chest, sending him flying out the
door and tumbling back to the property line. Kenbei
runs toward Shin's dojo from off the property,
stepping on Lee in the process. He runs into the
dojo. Lee stands up, eye twitching.
Lee: I'm gonna... Hideoshi...
Lee stands up and runs at the dojo, but is stopped
short as Kenbei is flung out the door, into Lee. Both
are thrown over the property line. They stand up
again and turn to each other.
Kenbei: This isn't working. Both of them, together,
in their own dojo, we can't win with a full assault.
Lee: Very well, I will merely destroy their dojo.
Kenbei: Will they not simply order a new one?
Lee: That's not the point.
Kenbei: Very well, I'm in.
Lee: That won't be necessary.
Kenbei: I must kill him for what he did to my sister.
Lee: Fine.
----------------------------------------
That night...
Lee: So, you have the plan?
Kenbei: Right.
Both are dressed in all black, only their eyes show.
Both of them sneak out and "stealthily" make their way
over to the other dojo. Lee steps on a twig, that
snaps with a resounding echo. Kenbei puts his hand on
his forehead. Both continue toward the dojo. Only
mere meters from the dojo, Kenbei trips and lands on a
pile of dry leaves. This time it is Lee's turn to
cover his forehead. Both of them set to work, placing
land mines around the door, then strategically placing
explosives around the dojo. Before they are finished,
Kenzan walks out the front door, not noticing the two
would-be ninja. Without a word, Kenzan strolls to
Lee's dojo. He pulls something out of his jacket and
places it at a random spot on the wall. He sticks
somwthing else into it and walks away. He walks back
into the dojo. Lee and Kenbei watch as suddenly there
is a huge explosion and mushroom cloud from the Hiryu
dojo. What wasn't destroyed outright is burning.
Lee's jaw drops to the ground. Kenzan calmly walks
back into the dojo, apparently not even noticing the
two would-be ninja.
THE NEXT DAY...
The sun is high in the Japanese sky, beating down on
the sweating gang members as they fight to apply a
monster bandage to the cracked Hiryu dojo. When the
work is finally done, they sit down to rest.
Meanwhile...
Kenzan: Shin, I've done it. We're going to get Lee
back for trying to destroy the dojo.
Shin: Didn't we already do that by destroying theirs?
Kenzan: Details! I have the plan sketched out here.
This way we don't even have to leave the dojo. See!
Shin: Seems a little complicated... can't we just
bring a remote detonator and blow it up that way?
Kenzan: But it's so much cooler this way!!
Shin: *Sigh*
Kenzan whips out his phone and dials.
Kenzan: Hello? This is Kenzan Sotoyome. I have a
request to have some supplies airlifted to the
Hideoshi dojo at Murasame high school. What I need is
a two pound metal ball, a six foot long, eight inch
wide metal ramp, a full domino set, a balance scale...
Shin rolls his eyes.
-----------------------------------
Lee is standing at his dojo, with Kenbei and Katsuyori
standing beside him. Lee is watching Kenzan building
his contraption.
Lee: What the hell is that? Katsuyori, I want you to
watch them, but don't let them know. I want to know
what they're up to.
Katsuyori: Sorry, sir, but I have a shop to run.
Lee: Fine, I'll watch myself.
Lee continues watching while the nearsighted genius
continues his work.
----------------------------------
Later that day...
The sun is low in the western sky when Kenzan stands
up from his work.
Kenzan: Whew! This should have been a five minute job,
but there were so many adjustments to make! Shin! Come
on! Let's do this!
Shin and Kenzan meet at the Hideoshi dojo, where
Kenzan has rigged a very elaborate looking set of
levers, buttons, gauges and dials.
Shin: Wow. How does it work?
Kenzan: Oh, the middle lever is the one that trips the
contraption.
Shin: And the rest of it?
Kenzan: To make it look cool.
Shin facefaults.
Kenzan: Here goes!!
Dramatically, Kenzan reaches for the lever. He grasps
it and pulls. It slides down and the machine starts
shaking, the gauges begin moving around. With a
sputter, the machine stops.
Kenzan: Hehe...
Kenzan kicks the machine and it starts again.
Kenzan: Come watch!
He and Shin rush over to the window and watch as a
ball rolls down a ramp.
Shin: THIS is what the lever did?
Kenzan: Shhh! Watch!
The ball rolls down the ramp, catching and reflecting
the sun as it does. The ramp twists and spirals until
it hits a domino. The domino begins an elaborate
rally, looking more like a work of art than an
instrument of destruction. Kenzan pulls out
binoculars for himself and shin and watches the
labyrinth of dominoes continue. Ultimatly, the rally
ends with the last domino falling off a ramp into a
balance, tipping it upwards. The balance tips a razor
blade that was teetering on yet another ramp. The
blade slides down the ramp toward a string attached to
a perfect miniature catapult. The catapult appears to
be aimed at a big red button.
Kenzan: The button sets off the explosives! Cover your
ears!
Both put on large earmnuffs and continue watching.
The string is cut, launching a rock directly at the
button. The rock comes closer, closer, then is
stopped. Lee holds the rock in his hand, and smiles
as he crushes it. Kenzan jumps to his feet.
Kenzan: Of all the-- It'll take me hours to reset
that! That bastard!
Shin: Uhhh... Kenzan? What's that he's got?
Kenzan: Huh?
Kenzan looks through the binoculars at Lee... who is
pointing a large rocket launcher directly at them.
Kenzan: Hit the deck!
Both of them dive under a couch as the explosion tears
the dojo from its foundations. In a matter of
seconds, all that is left is the couch, the two
martial artists, and a pile of rubble.
----------------------------------
Kirin walks out of the convenience store with a
grocery bag in one hand and a Home Run Pie in the
other. He finishes it, puts the bag down, and begins
rummaging through it. A young boy skateboarding
collides with him. Kirin raises his head.
Kirin: Who is this that impedes the mighty Kirin's
search for--
Kirin is cut off as he is knocked to the floor by a
washing machine that apparently falls out of nowhere.
One of Shin's gis falls out of the washer. The boy
takes this opprotunity to scram before the large man
wakes up.
----------------------------------
Lee: *Hehehe... stupid fools. they thought that they
could best ME in a contest of revenge?*
Lee pulls out a book entitled "101 Interesting Ways to
Destroy Your Rival's Dojo"
Lee: Number 68: The Rocket Launcher, check (makes a
mark in the book)
Mark (author of Baka Yaro!!): Hey! What's up forehead
boy!
He lands beside Lee, panties on his head and giant
pencil strapped to back.
Lee: Would you get off my property?... now!
Mark: Sure, sure! As soon as I press this conspicuous
and innocent-looking large red button.
Lee has no time to react as Mark presses the button,
sending them into lower orbit and reducing the dojo to
a smoldering crater.
----------------------------------
Kirin pushes the machine off of him and stands. He
picks up the gi.
Kirin: Aha. Methinks that this is the apparel of one
Shin Hideoshi. Revenge shall be swift as the night,
sweet as--
Mark lands like a meteor on Kirin's head, knocking the
big man over. Hostess products are spilled
everywhere. Ryo stands up and shakes his head.
Kirin: Why you--!!
Mark takes off with Kirin hot on his heels. A stray
cat comes out of a nearby garbage can and begins
nibbling at an opened bag of Sno-Balls. A small black
pig with a leapord scarf wanders across the street but
is chased away by the cat.
----------------------------------
The next day...
Kenzan and Shin wake up in the Kyosuke family dojo.
Shin stands up and shakes his head as the memory of
the destruction of his old dojo crashes down on him.
Shin: Oh yeah. How long before the new dojo is in
place, Kenzan?... Kenzan?
Shin turns around to see a Kenzan-shaped dent in the
bed behind him. He looks around for the myopic
genius, but he is nowhere to be found. Shin shrugs,
puts on his karate gi, and walks outside. He ties a
bandana around his head.
Shin: Looks like my morning training run is alone this
time.
Tatchi: Not alone. I will accompany you.
Shin: Tatchi? Okay. Aren't you to honerable to be
skipping school?
Tatchi: Saturday, Shin.
Shin: Really?
Tatchi: Not that you'd know. How often do you
actually attend school?
Shin: Let's get going.
Shin springs off. Tatchi rolls his eyes and follows.
They pass a clock tower, which reads 5:30. They pass
by Kirin, who is sleeping outside of the local Quick
Stop mart, an empty wrapper in his hand.
Shin: *I wonder how often he does that?*
Finally they come to a large open area that has been
fenced off.
Shin: This looks like as good a place as any. You
want a little one-on-one sparring?
Tatchi: Sounds good to me.
Tatchi whips out his padded training sword and assumes
his stance.
Voice: Hey! You're on our turf!
Shin: Wha-?
A group of gang members approach the two. (Pick a
gang, any gang) They brandish various weapons...
knives, bats, clubs, chains.
Shin: Looks like this is one of the "seriously
violent" parts of the manga. I'm sure we'll get back
to the funny stuff later.
Tatchi: In the meantime, this makes for better
training than anything.
Shin: After you. There's plenty to go around.
Tatchi raises the training sword in readiness as the
first wave of goons hit.
Shin: Where the hell do these guys all come from? Were
they just... here?
Tatchi ducks under a punch and strikes the attacker in
the gut with the sword. He then spins and smashes the
hilt down on the attacker's head. Following that,
Tatchi sticks the sword out and trips the second goon
who falls... right into Shin's knee. The goon rolls
to the side, clutching the bloody mess that used to be
his nose. After that, it is pandemonium. Tatchi
isn't being touched, while Shin is inevitably taking a
few hits. They begin to fight back to back, and begin
beating the thugs back. Shin bashes two heads
together and Tatchi smashes the sword into another
gang member's neck.
Finally, the gang decides that they have had enough.
They begin to run in the direction from which Shin and
Tatchi came.
Shin: Oh, we're not through, yet.
Tatchi: Agreed.
Both jump after the few remaining gang members (about
10, if it matters.) The whole gang stops short at the
sight of a large sillhouette against the now rising
sun.
Kirin: Who is this that intrudes on the peacful
slumber of the great Kirin Oda! Speak now, and allow
Kirin to administer the proper retribution!
The gang acts before thinking, attacking Kirin at full
force. The first gang member is picked up and
catupulted behind Kirin, landing with a dull thud on
the concrete. The second attacks with a club, but the
club is caught. Kirin yanks the club out of the
punk's hand, hits him in the gut with it, then pulls
him into a powerbomb. By this time, the two other
martial artists arrive. The third punk is shoved by
Kirin into Shin's kick to the back. The remaining
members are swiftly dealt with.
Shin: Really, we must do this again sometime.
Kirin: Tell thy master that 'twill take more than a
handful of cretins like thyselves to hinder the mighty
Kirin!
With that, the punks that can still move, run for it.
This time, there is no pursuit.
Shin: Well, if that's it for the warm-up, shall we?
Tatchi: By all means.
The two jump away again.
----------------------------------
Over a week later...
Kenzan: This is it, Shin, the ultimate dojo. It cost
me an entire month's allowance. This baby is so
heavily fortified with essential nutrients--
Shin: It's covered with bullets.
Kenzan: I'll get to that. It is heavily armored and
reinforced, so it will be impossible to level! Besides
that, there's bullets hanging everywhere!! Can you
think of anything cooler than bullets hanging on your
dojo?
Shin: The effect is lost on me. Besides, Lee's new
dojo looks pretty strong, too.
Kenzan: The fact is that there is more armor on this
baby than Hiryu could possibly swallow--
Shin: Uhhh... Kenzan?
Kenzan: And the reinforcements make it impossible for
an army to digest!
Shin: Okay! Enough with the food puns! You know those
make my stomach hurt!
Kenzan: Hehehe... egg-sellent.
Kenzan is knocked into the wall of the new dojo by the
irate Shin.
----------------------------------
Lee: The new dojo is complete, yes?
Katsuyori: Yes. And the... modifications are in place
as you specified.
Lee: When he sees the guns on this baby...
HAAHAAHAA!!!! Come sunrise tommorrow, The Hideoshi
dojo will be rubble!!
----------------------------------
Sunrise...
Lee: Preparations are complete! Launch a warning shot!
The Hiryu dojo raises up on six crude-looking legs and
scuttles forward toward the rival dojo, all the while
opening up several large guns and missile racks.
Lee: fire.
A salvo of long-range missiles streaks toward the
Hideoshi dojo, impacting against the outer walls,
leaving scars and chunks out of the wall.
----------------------------------
Shin jolts awake and dashes to the door of his room,
looking for Kenzan. He screams and falls over as a
large sillhouette appears in the doorway. Kenzan
walks into the room, wearing a ridiculous yet
strangely cool-looking suit of white armor with spiked
shoulder and knee pads, complete with white gloves.
He is wearing a white bandana and had sunglasses on.
He looks nowhere near as cool as Jin Saotome, but it's
the thought that counts, right?
Shin: What the hell?
Kenzan: We're under attack. Follow me to the control
room.
Shin follows Kenzan out of the room.
Shin: Control room? We have a control room?
Kenzan: Yeah, it's upstairs.
Shin: Upst-- what stairs?
Kenzan motions to a staircase in the corner of the
room.
Shin: Where the hell did those come from?
Kenzan: If you want, we can take the elevator.
Shin's jaw drops... to the floor. He takes a moment
to gather it up when Kenzan takes out a remote control
and presses a button. The section of floor that the
two are standing on raises up through an opening in
the ceiling.
----------------------------------
Lee: That's enough for the warning shot. Now, start
the real attack!
Katsuyori: Yes sir.
Katsuyori manipulates several levers and buttons. The
dojo releases several large lasers as well as salvo
after salvo of missiles. Armor is boiled away by the
lasers at the same time it is being blasted away by by
the missiles.
----------------------------------
Kenzan and Shin enter into an elaborate control room
flooded with red light.
Shin: What the hell is this?
Kenzan: You'll see. Allow me to show you to your
space.
Kenzan escorts Shin to another room.
Kenzan: You'll be in control of most of the weapons,
I'll have a few at my disposal up in the cockpit, but,
for the most part, you're in control. Also, this
monitor monitors and records damage to the 'mech.
Shin: Weapons? Cockpit-- MECH? I thought that this was
just a heavily armored dojo!!
Kenzan: Now Shin, have you ever known me to do
anything that incompletely?
Shin shakes his head dumbly.
Kenzan: Ok. So, anyway, this set of buttons...
----------------------------------
Lee: Move forward! Continue firing!
The dojo crawls forward, still releasing missiles.
One of the lasers streaks past the dojo and torches a
tree, while several missiles go wide, peppering the
ground and surrounding buildings.
----------------------------------
Kenzan: Shin! You ready?!
Shin: Yeah! And stop yelling! I can hear you just fine
through the headset!
Kenzan: Begin transformation!
----------------------------------
Katsuyori: There appears to be some activity, sir!
Lee: Cease fire!
The dojo stops shooting as the other dojo stirs.
----------------------------------
The dojo turns upright and begins to transform, in
Transformer style. It eventually transforms into a
battlemech. It is all white, with blood red glowing
eyes. The massive mech catches and reflect the rays of
sun playing across the massive scarlet insignia on the
left thigh that reads Bloodthirst Gunner.
Kenzan: Hajime!!
The mech crosses its arms and assumes a classic
fighting stance.
----------------------------------
Lee: As expected. Katsuyori, launch long range
missiles and continue forward movement.
The dojo lurches forward as another volley of missiles
at the new target.
----------------------------------
The Gunner jumps out of the way as the volley
splatters across the ground.
Kenzan: Shin! Fire at will!
Shin: Fire at Will? I thought we were fighting Lee!
Kenzan: Idiot. Fine. Fire at Lee!
Shin: What weapon you want me to use?
Kenzan: I don't know, try all of them!
The two robots exchange missile and laser volleys,
though it is obvious that the upright mech has the
advantage due to higher mobility. The two massive
gatling guns on the shoulders of the mech pepper
bullets accross the roof of the mobile dojo. The
battle appears to be some kind of battle between a
human and a really big turtle with guns. The dojo
comes up to the mech's knees in height, but is just as
heavily armed.
Kenzan: I got an idea!
The Gunner jumps over to the back of the dojo, grabs
it by the underside, and lifts one side off the
ground, attempting to turn it over. A very large
missile rack appears out of the roof of the dojo and
swivels to face the Bloodthirst Gunner. It releases
several short-range missiles, sending the Gunner
staggering back.
Kenzan: Shin! Damage report!
Shin: Stop yelling! There's no damage, apparently.
Kenzan: Great. Let's try this again.
The gigantic Gunner sprints toward the dojo, lifting
its leg for a massive kick that sends the dojo
rolling. The dojo ends up on its back, legs thrashing
in the air.
Kenzan: Shin! Fire!
Suddenly there are missiles sticking out of every
possible place on the Gunner. Chest, arms, legs, even
two on either side of the head. They all launch,
rocking the great dojo.
----------------------------------
Lee: Damage report!
Katsuyori: Nothing serious, sir!
Lee: Great. Get us upright.
On the outside, a huge bar comes out of the top of the
dojo, flipping it over. (It will make more sense when
it is drawn, trust me.)
Lee: Very well. You want to play that way?
Lee walks to a large glass case with a red button and
the words "IN CASE OF RIVAL TURNING DOJO INTO MECH,
BREAK GLASS" inscripted in red letters on the case.
With a swift punch, the glass is shattered and the
button is pressed.
----------------------------------
On the outside, the Gunner ceases fire and jumps back
as two legs sprout from the sides of the dojo. It
stands upright, looking like a turtle... with legs.
The body of the dojo turns upright, sprouts arms and a
head, and completes a transformation into a large
silver mech.
Kenzan: Arrgh! He took my plans!
Kenzan walks over to a large glass case with the words
"IN CASE OF RIVAL STEALING MECH PLANS, BREAK GLASS"
painted in red letters. He smashes the glass.
Shin: Did that release some kind of superweapon?
Kenzan: No,but it felt good to break the glass.
Stress relief is not to be underrated.
Kenzan then notices the mech's name. Inscribed on the
chest in brilliant blue letters is the name: The
Hiryunator.
Kenzan: The... Hiryunator?
A huge sweatdrop appears next to Kenzan. It explodes,
soaking Kenzan. On the outside, the mech is also
soaked by a 30,000 gallon sweatdrop. This is when
Kenzan begins laughing.
Kenzan: Hehehe... DAAAAAHAAAHAAA!!!
The mech begins pointing and laughing at the
Hiryunator.
Kenzan: Your puny mech doesn't stand a chance!!
BWAAAHAHAA!! (Cue thunder)
Kenzan and the mech both are in the traditional
"Bwahaha" stance, arms thrust out to the sides.
The two mechs begin beating the hell out of each
other, Battletech style. The Gunner is staggered by a
punch to the chest.
Kenzan: Shin! Damage report!
Shin: Nothing!
Kenzan: He's weakening, I know it!
The Gunner attacks again, punching the other mech (I
can't bear to write the name again) in the chest,
following by releasing three large lasers and a salvo
of short-range missiles. Considering the range, all
missiles hit.
Lee: Katsuyori! Damage report!
Katsuyori: Nothing, sir!
Lee: Good. They're weakening, I know it!
The silver mech unleashes several large lasers, that
bite deeply into the hip actuator of the Gunner.
Shin: Kenzan! Damage to the left hip!
Kenzan: That's it, eat shit monkey-boy!!
Kenzan throws in a CD. The song "Flight of the
Bumblebee" starts playing outside the mech. Kenzan
calms down long enough to sweatdrop. The Hiryunator,
as well as every inanimate object within hearing
distance follows suit. A vein appears in Kenzan's
forehead.
Kenzan: FLIGHT OF THE VALKYRIE, YOU STUPID MACHINE!
NOT FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE!!!
Kenzan tears out the CD, breaks it, and grinds it in
his teeth. He rips out another CD, entitled "Flight
of the Valkyrie" and throws it in the player. It
begins playing over the massive speakers.
Kenzan: Shin! I'm done playing around! FIRE!
Shin: Fire what?
Kenzan: EVERYTHING!!
Shin begins to manipulate several levers and buttons
with seemingly expert skill. The room glows red as
sweat begins to bead down Shin's forehead.
----------------------------------
Lee: What's going on? What's he doing?!
Katsuyori: He appears to be readying for an attack!
Lee: Counter with everything we've got! Hideoshi, your
end is now*
----------------------------------
Kenzan: He's getting ready to fire, too? Heh. Lee,
you've met your match, because nobody, but NOBODY, is
better than me when it comes to horribly overdoing
weapons systems.
On the outside, two incredibly large cannons point at
the Hiryunator. Then missile racks appear from...
EVERYWHERE. Let's just leave it at that, okay? Let's
see, even the fingers open up and have machine guns
loaded in them. Missiles even appear from the sides
and the top of the head. Need I continue? Didn't
think so. The Bloodthirst Gunner is bristling with
missiles from everywhere. Lee's mech also shows many
missile racks, but not NEARLY as many as on the
Gunner.
Kenzan: (suddenly calm) Fire.
Shin: Ooooookay...
Shin moves with lightning speed as he presses all of
the buttons and turns all of the knobs.
Kenzan: Don't worry about that. I wired all weapons
to The Big Red Button.
Shin: What button? I've searched this whole cockpit
until I knew every button, and there ain't no big red
button.
Kenzan: Right in front of you.
Shin looks down and sees a huge button labeled "The
Big Red Button." Suddenly he is on his back, looking
up. (Facefault)
Kenzan: Push it!
Shin barely staggers to his feet and punches the
button. The whole cockpit shakes, then stops. Shin
kicks the console, and the shaking resumes.
----------------------------------
Lee: Push The Big Green Button!
Katsuyori: big... green button?
Lee: Yeah!
Katsuyori sweatdrops as he glances at the massive
button.
Katsuyori: Did it have to be that big, sir?
Lee: I made it bigger than Kenzan's button, okay?
Katsuyori: *Too bad you couldn't make it the right
color.*
Katsuyori jumps into the air and lands on the huge
button. It doesn't move.
Lee: Dammit, Katsuyori! Push it!
Katsuyori, who is standing on the button, sighs. He
jumps into the air, kicks off the roof toward the
floor, a shockwave following him as he decends at
supersonic speeds. His elbow collides with the button
and slowly pushes it down.
----------------------------------
Outside, the air is suddenly filled with the acrid
(yes, that's right, I said acrid) smoke of missiles
being discharged. Occasional lances of laser light
score through the darkness, lighting up the cloud for
seconds at a time. Buildings crumble, trees are
uprooted, craters are strewn everywhere. Finally the
volley stops. When the dust clears, Everything within
a half mile of their position is flattened, destroyed,
and scorched with laser burns.
Kenzan: DAMMIT! He's still up! I didn't want to use
this... but I have no choice. SOTOYOME SATTELITE
STRIKE!!!
----------------------------------
Somewhere in orbit around the earth, a large sattelite
rotates toward the earth. Cut to the view of the
sattelite as it locks on to the Hiryunator. The main
cannon begins to charge as several hundred secondary
cannons open up and begin to charge as well.
----------------------------------
Lee: ATTACK!!!
The massive mech launches toward our heroes, wrapping
up their mech in a bear hug.
Lee: I'll crush you!!!
Kenzan: Noo! The sattelite! ABORT! ABORT!
----------------------------------
The secondary lasers fire first, their beams
converging at a point on the Earth, followed by the
firing of the massive main cannon. The brilliant blue
column of energy decends like the Hand of God.
----------------------------------
Kenzan: *Hand of God? I like that. I think that'll be
the name of my next project.*
The secondary beams rip through the mechs, tearing
massive chunks of armor off. From the sky, a
brilliant beam of blue light engulfs the two mechs.
When the dust clears, all that is left is a huge,
black crater, and the four fighters, laying in the
middle.
Kenzan: (coughs) You know, (cough) I think it's about
time we reached some sort of (cough) peace treaty.
Lee: Agreed.
Shin: That's all well and good, but I think we'd
better move.
Kenzan: Why?
They all look up as a huge shadow covers them. They
all stand and sprint off the property as a massive
band-aid is lowered onto the whole damaged area... all
two square miles of it.
==========================================
Hello, loyal fans. Yes, it's the return of the
incredibly long chapters! I know, we don't usually put
commentary here, but I just thought I'd slip a few
words in before continuing. Well, it's been great,
and we're only two chapters away from the halfway
point. Despair not, loyal readers, for there is still
plenty of Shin-bashing and gang-busting action to be
had. And you didn't think our friend Ryo would stay
locked up for too long, did you?
==========================================
Chapter 11: An Evil Stirs in the Clocktower
The sun rises over the Hideoshi dojo, a few months
later. The land is completely restored, trees and
all, and Shin is out training in front of his new dojo
(just an ordinary dojo, no weapons). Cut to a
familiar clocktower, which the sun rises over. Cut to
the front door, where there are several spirit wards
covering the door with the huge "NO WOMEN ALLOWED"
sign hanging above it. The two guards in front of the
door are burly campus police officers. The leader of
the feminist club walks straight up to the guards.
The leader could be incredibly hot if she didn't wear
a full suit with a very confining bra, with her hair
up and with glasses on. As it is, she seems to be on
the masculine side.
Woman: Will you kindly move out of my way?
Guard1: Sorry, ma'am. Strict orders to keep women
out.
Woman: I find that sign and your orders demeaning and
sexist. I demand to be let through!
Guard2: Haven't you heard, miss?
Woman: Heard what?
Guard2: Legend has it that, some time ago, an immensly
powerful demon was running rampant in these areas.
Cut to a dramitization of the guard's view of this
"legend." Guard's voice remains as narration. There
is a freeze-frame of twenty foot demon with glowing
red eyes and tentacles, you know, the works.
"He ransacked the school, raping women and killing
men."
Freeze-frame shifts to the demon raping women with its
tentacles and killing a man with a bladed appendage
and fire all around.
"When all hope was thought to be lost, a mighty
samurai with a sword of light decended from the
heavens and defeated the demon after a bloody
conflict."
Shift to a freeze-frame of a warrior in white armor
slicing through the dark demon.
"Then, with the help of his friend, the travelling
monk, locked him in this very clock tower, where it
resides to this day."
Shift to picture of monk praying (think Rayden), while
the warrior pushes the demon into the tower.
----------------------------------
Guard2: Legend has it that only a woman of surpassing
beauty can release the demon, but in your case, we're
just not taking any chances.
Woman: Why you-- very well. But mark my words, you
haven't heard the last of me.
Guard1: Run along now, lil lady.
The woman storms off, literally, while the camera pans
upward to the clocktower, which sweatdrops.
----------------------------------
That night...
It is a perfectly clear night. Aaron is sitting on
top of a clock tower, meditating. Suddenly, he raises
his head.
Aaron: I feel an evil omen...
----------------------------------
Shin is outside training (still), when he suddenly
stops.
Shin: Huh? Something's wrong here.
Shin looks around.
Shin: I feel something strange in the pit of my
stomach. Something... strange. Something must be
wrong, maybe this is an evil omen.
Shin's stomach vibrates with a massive growl.
Shin: Oh that's it! I haven't eaten all day! I'm
starving!
Kenzan, who was standing on the other side of the
tree, listening, falls over.
Shin: There you are! Did you save me any pizza?
----------------------------------
Lee is sitting in a chair in Katsuyori's restaraunt,
reading a book entitled "So Your Rival Beat You
Again-- More Revenge Tips For the Deranged Judo
Master." Katsuyori is doing dishes. He carries a
stack of plates past Lee. Suddenly Lee looks up.
Katsuyori slips and the plates fall all over the
place. Katsuyori quickly picks up the unbroken
plates, leaving the four broken plates on the ground.
They stare at them.
Katsuyori: Four plates broken... doesn't that mean...
Lee: Yes.
Shows the broken shards, which have arranged to say
"SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN."
Lee: I have an uneasy feeling...
----------------------------------
The guards look up as black clouds begin to form
directly over the clock tower. The clock strikes
eleven. When the guards look down, their heads are
smashed together and they sink to the ground. A
gloved hand brushes aside the spirit wards and opens
the heavily barricaded door.
----------------------------------
Kirin is sitting down on a rock, taking turns eating a
Twinkie and crushing a rock. He glances down and sees
that the strap on one of his sandals is broken. He
also glances up to see the storm clouds gathering. He
then glances into his grocery bag, which appears to be
empty.
Kirin: Hmm... methinks that this constitutes an evil
omen.
Kirin moves the bag aside to reveal a box of Donettes.
Kirin: Whew. The great Kirin was mistaken. Crisis
averted.
----------------------------------
The owner of the local sandal shop wakes up in a cold
sweat. He walks out into the shop and pulls the light
on. He then starts as he looks to the shelves. Every
one of the sandals on the shelves has a broken strap.
Owner: Dammit! Now I'll have to fix those! This had
better be good!
----------------------------------
A shadow creeps up the stairs, nearly silently. After
a few flights of stairs, the shadow pushes open the
door to the gear room. In the room, aside from the
gears, are arcane runes, symbols, ancient torches, and
mens underwear hanging on everything. Boxers to
briefs. Jockstraps to Speed-Os. It creeps to the
center of the room, illuminated by moonlight seeping
in through a barred window, it is revealed as the
woman that was earlier refused entry. She looks much
better in the skintight black jumpsuit she is wearing.
There is a coffin-looking box in the center of the
room. She blows the dust off and prepares to open the
lid.
----------------------------------
Azusa is in her bedroom brushing her hair when she
suddenly feels a chill. She unconciously covers her
chest with her hands.
----------------------------------
The woman pries the lid open with a crowbar. A mist
begins to fill the room. Through the mist, a hand
shoots out and grabs the woman's breast.
----------------------------------
Outside the clocktower, her scream can be heard.
----------------------------------
At the Campus Police HQ, Tatchi is polishing his
sword. He humms a happy tune to himself. His work is
interrupted when one of his men stumbles into the
room. He sports a large bump on his head. Tatchi looks
at him annoyed.
Tatchi: What is it now?
Guard: A w-woman...she's in the tower!
Tatchi: Slow down. What tower?
Guard: THE tower!
Tatchi: I don't understand.
Guard:(sweatdropping)The one you sealed "you know who"
in.
Tatchi: Huh? Hmmmm... HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!
Guard: What do we do?
Tatchi stands, now in full uniform, his sword gleams
in the candlelight.
Tatchi: We vanquish the demon for good this time.
Guard: We kill him?
Tatchi: If I have my way, yes.
Guard: I'll go rally everyone.
Tatchi: Do that. That monk should have let me kill
him.
Tatchi runs out of the room, followed by the guard.
----------------------------------
Lee is still reading when one of his punks barges into
the shop. Katsuyori looks up from his cleaning. The
gang member is out of breath.
Punk: Sir! The CP... they're doing something at the
tower.
Katsuyori: Which tower?
Punk: The one where the demon sleeps.
Lee stands and clenches his fist.
Lee: That no good brother of mine was too soft on the
beast. We should have let the swordsman kill him. He's
escaped his prison no doubt. Let's go. Katsuyori,
round up the men and meet me there.
Katsuyori: Yes sir!
----------------------------------
The clocktower is now completly surrounded by campus
policemen. Tatchi stands at the door way with Aaron.
He has an irate look on his face.
Tatchi: This wouldn't have happened if you had let me
kill him.
Aaron: I didn't forsee this. How could any woman
sacrifice herself to bring this sort of thing back to
life?
Tatchi: I don't care. I will kill him this time.
Aaron: And I'll stop you again.
Tatchi: This isn't a rational person we're talking
about. This is him! He's a terrible monster. He has a
record a mile long! Each act, worse than the one
before it. I can't let a thing like him run around
campus. We're wasting time! We need to make sure he's
still in there! Lock the door behind us!
They sprint up the steps. They open the door and run
into the room. The coffin's lid is on the floor.
They walk in and see the woman laying on the ground,
face up, unconscious. She is totally naked with
handprints on her breasts and inner legs. She is
shuddering with the post-orgasmic phase she is in.
The huge hands of the clock strike twelve.
----------------------------------
On the outside, lightning strikes the tower. A black
blur can be seen during one of the flashes, exiting
the tower.
----------------------------------
Tatchi spins around.
Tatchi: He's gone. Shit! Aaron, take care of her!
Aaron nods and walks over to the woman who has been
covered in Tatchi's coat and propped up against the
coffin. He takes her in his arms as Tatchi sprints
out of the tower, sword at the ready.
----------------------------------
Tatchi leaves the tower to a scene of carnage. Fire
is everywhere, blast marks can be seen everywhere and
bodies of both campus police and Diamondback members
are strewn all over the place, most moving and moaning
in pain. Tatchi looks to the top of a nearby building
and at a sillhouette with glowing red eyes. Lightning
flashes, revealing Ryo's usual perverted grin.
Ryo: Well, that was fun. It was almost worth being
locked up... almost.
The eyes narrow.
Ryo: But now it is time for my revenge.
Lightning again flashes, this time Ryo isn't smiling.
Ryo: Do you know what it's like being trapped, unable
to move, for months? Especially with all of those...
(shudders)
Tatchi: You will pay for the crimes you have committed
against society, and especially against women! You're
going right back where you came from... the pits of
hell! (lightning)
Ryo: Let me show you the true meaning of my name.
Tatchi lunges at Ryo, who smiles sadistically.
Fade to black.
Tatchi wakes up in the Hideoshi dojo guest room. He
stands up and scratches his head, unable to remember
what happened, aside from a lot of explosions. He
checks himself for damage and, aside from burn marks,
he seems untouched. Shin walks in with a hand mirror
in his hand.
Shin: I can't believe I missed the fight. I can't
believe I put food over taking out that pervert.
Tatchi: You didn't know. Don't worry about it. What
matters now is that we find him.
Shin: Here. You need to see something.
Shin hands the mirror to Tatchi, who looks at his
face. Inscribed on his forehead in black ink, are the
words that are all too well known to him "Fem-Boy."
The mirror is crushed as Tatchi stands, unsheaths his
sword, and starts to run out. Then he stops and
clutches his ribs.
Shin: Rest now. We can go out pervert hunting later.
Kenzan: (running through the door) Nobody can find
Azusa or Manami!
Shin: What? Azusa and Manami are missing?
Kenzan: They must have been kidnapped.
Tatchi: And only one man could have done it.
Kenzan: Who's that?
Tatchi: ...(looks at Kenzan with a weird look) I
forgot.
Shin: Ryo! It had to be Ryo! Who else would kidnap
only women?
Kenzan: Ryo kidnapped Azusa and Manami?
Tatchi: Of course.
Kenzan: DAMMIT! Because of that bastard rival of mine,
all the women have been on edge! Because of him, I've
been rejected five times today alone!
Sweatdrops all around.
Tatchi: We have to find him! Who knows what he is
doing to those women?
Kenzan: I think I have a pretty good idea.
Tatchi: SHUT UP! We need to know where he is!
Kenzan: If you were a newly released pervert, where
would you go?
----------------------------------
At the women's locker room...
Ryo has his face pressed up against the window in the
locker room.
Ryo: *It's been way too long.*
Ryo jumps into the locker room and, with incredible
speed, blurs through the room, taking underwear off of
women and feeling them at the same time. Several
screams are heard.
----------------------------------
Outside...
Ryo crashes through the roof and out into the sky,
with a big dopey grin on his face and several lumps on
his head.
Ryo: Ahh... even the hammer blows feel good!
Tatchi, Shin and Kenzan see him flying through the
air.
Tatchi: Follow him.
They take off after him.
----------------------------------
Kenzan walks into an open area.
Kenzan: By my calculations, given his trajectory and
velocity, as well as his mass and volume, Ryo should
have landed (looks up) there.
Ryo is sitting in a crater, right in front of Kenzan.
Tatchi and Shin form huge sweatdrops, which explode
and soak them both, knocking them over. Ryo looks up.
Ryo: I didn't kidnap those women.
Tatchi: Answer me this... did you kid-- what?
Ryo: I didn't kidnap those women.
Tatchi: Oh really? If not, then how did you know they
were kidnapped?
Ryo motions over to a pole, which has a sign on it
reading "KIDNAPPED: AZUSA KYOSUKE AND MANAMI WATASE.
SUSPECT: RYO MUHOSHIN." Zoom out to reveal the two
buildings next to the pole, covered in the same sign.
Ryo: I'm amazed you got those printed so fast. How
did you do it?
Tatchi: That doesn't matter! If you didn't do it, who
did?
Ryo: That's not my problem!
Ryo bounds off.
WHO KIDNAPPED THE WOMEN? WAS IT... RYO?
Ryo: Hey! I already told you! I didn't do it!
WAS IT... TATCHI?
Tatchi: What the hell?
WAS IT... LEE?
Lee: Hey! I haven't even been in this story arc!
WAS IT... THE DENVER BRONCOS?
Shin: That's it! John Elway must've been pissed that
he can't play, so he started kidnapping women!
FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF BAKA YARO!!
===========================================
So who DID kidnap the women? I guess there's only one
way to find out! You have to stay tuned and keep
reading! Oh, and don't worry about the South Park
reference. If it comes to a lawsuit, we'll deny any
knowledge of the popular cartoon show. Well, keep
reading, loyal fans (you'd have to be fans to have
made it this far...)
NEXT:
Chapter 12: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Ablaze
=====
"Most people would rather die than think. Many do."
Bertrand Russell
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