Subject: [FFML] Re: [SLR] Synopses List REVIEW! for August 11
From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
Date: 8/28/2000, 10:20 PM
To: "Glazius Falconar" <GlaziusFalconar@peoplepc.com>
CC: <ffml@fanfic.com>

Glazius Falconar wrote:

[Dirty Pair / Iria]

- - - - -
Title: Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot Chapter 2
Series: Dirty Pair/ Iria: Zeiram, the Animation
Genre: crossover
Summary:

Kei and Iria dwell on the years they've been apart. Then the trio go
to the space station where Zeiram is supposed to be hanging out, but
stumble on something a little different instead.

Good plot.

Well, at least I got one thing right. :)

Occasionally awkward bits. Dialogue that stretches on a bit too
long, though perhaps that just _seems_ to be the case because I can't
picture the characters' faces and actions during it.

Odd. I didn't think the visualization bit would be a problem. The stretched
out too long comment seems on the mark judging by what other people said as
well. I had a feeling it was (as mentioned in the notes at the end of the
chapter), and will try to see if I can't steamline that somewhat.

 It feels like the plot
is just... _moving_, and the characters are just along for the ride.

Interesting way of putting it. I would say this is going to be more plot
oriented with an emphasis more on action than emotion. Part of that feeling
might have been because the Iria/Kei dialogue was more tell than show, but
as I mentioned, this needed to be handled early on so it doesn't drag things
out later as other events move the story along. I wouldn't describe it as a
'rollar-coster rof action' to borrow the cliche, but the pace for this is
supposed to be fast. Still, I want the characters to be more a part of it
than just along for the ride. I'll see what I can do to balance that out
better.

 Bob's
the only one who I could picture as acting with much emotion, and that
says
something.

Well, Bob never came across as particularly cold in the anime to me, even if
he was reduced to a machine :)


If you're settling in for a long haul of writing ahead, I can
understand,

Oh yes, it will be and I'm only beginning to fully understand that as I
write the next chapter of this. Taking a while to get only a little
accomplished (plotwise), but I'm experimenting a bit with more descriptive
passages (and having varying degrees of success, much to my vexation), so
that's bound to happen. Right now I expect this to exceed 'Vacation Days' in
size, possibly by a bit. Almost certainly over a meg when all is said and
done, and perhaps closer to two. A pity I don't write at my old speeds, but
I've heard it said that as time goes on and you learn more about writing,
your speed tends to slow down.

 but as it is, this needs a lot more polish as far as characters
and character interactions go.

Honestly uncertain of what to do at this point about it. Next chapter
probably won't be all that much different either, but that's more by
necessity in what occurs. I'll see if I can't modify it somewhat and lessen
that effect. In consideration of what you have said, though, I've thought
things through and believe I can afford more time in certain scenes in the
future to more characterization and hopefully interactions. Actually quite
glad you said what you have as I think what I've come up with will improve
things. It just has a better feel to it than before.

Thanks for the comments. I'll try to work on the things you mentioned.

D.B. Sommer




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