Nanashimanga presents . . .
An unauthorized MST . . .
Eyestrain? Go find Meg-sama.
Stan: "Oi! Cut it out with the ellipses already!"
Chad: "Yeah! They're getting on my nerves! I mean, who the heck talks like
that anyways?"
A soft footstep in the theater.
Rei: " . . . "
An uncomfortable silence.
Chad: "Er, hi Rei."
Rei: " . . . hello."
Chad: "Um . . . Hey! I'm doing it too!"
Stan: "Shaddup! It's probably a contagious disease! Spreads to people to
hear it!"
Chad: "Aww, that's just an excuse. You just don't wanna hear the sound of my
beautiful voice."
Rei: " . . . "
Stan: "You're the only person in the world who can sing Mozart's Fifth
Cacaphony."
Chad: "Uhh . . . yeah. Whatever that is. Oh, and by the way."
Stan: "Yeah?"
Chad: "What's that ellipse disease called, anyways?"
Stan: "Evil Rabbit Woman From the Moon Fever."
Chad: "Ahh. It reminds me of that thing you were talk--"
Read with an open mind.
Stan: (takes out a shotgun and aims it at Chad's head)
Chad: "Er, Stan? We're not trying to set a bad example for the children you
know?"
Stan: "Quiet, the movie's about to start."
Sounds of the opening theme of some grand opera play in the background.
Chad: "Sounds like an old tape recorder."
Stan: "Probably is. You never know with these FFML people."
A man in a suit stands up.
Impressio: "Welcome, audience, to the MST of the first English Excel Saga
fanfiction seen by Nanashimanga on the net!"
He stares down at the three people sitting in the audience.
Impressio: "Aww dang. And I wanted to do a grand opening thing. There's only
two people and an evil rabbit woman from the moon."
Rei: " . . . "
Chad: "Don't worry. Two more will arrive soon."
Something falls into the empty seat next to him.
Chad: "There's one."
Kenny: " . . . "
Stan: "Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Those bastards!"
Rei: " . . . who is they?"
Stan: "Oh, like some guys up there with trap door or something."
Rei: "I see."
???: "Donuts."
Stan: "Huh?? Penn?"
Chad: "Geez, tone down on the question marks! My head hurts! My head!"
Penn: "I can give you some."
Chad: "What, head? . . . Ew. Forget I said that."
Penn: "You're welcome."
Impressio: "Well, I believe, that's all. Let's get on with the show."
He moves off the stage as the curtains rise, revealing a screen. Standard
FOX Entertainment trailer, with FOX replaced with "Rokudo."
Rokudo: "AD. 201X. My name is Rokudo Koshi. I hereby proclaim that the
following film is to be presented to the gaijin internet forum known as the
Ef-Ef-Em-El as a low-budget text doujin Em-Es-Tee. All insults and flames
are to be directed at the fools who thought they could get away with using
my copyright without permission."
Stan: "Hey! That's us!"
Chad: "Yeah!"
Rokudo: "Bwahahahahahaha- *splut*" (sword cuts through his head)
Excel: "Ehh . . . Sorry about that. He gets carried away with his job
sometimes."
She puts on dark glasses and takes out what appears to be a flashlight.
Excel: "Here it goes . . . I am a figment of your imagination . . ."
*flash*
Stan: "What was all that about?"
Rei: "That information is confidential."
Penn: "Need Not To Know."
Chad: "Ahh . . ."
***
This... is what happens when you drink waaaaaay too much caffeine and
put the opening for Excel Saga on loop and listen to it... A thousand
and one apologies, but I had to get this out of my head before it drove
me crazier than I already am.
***
Stan: "Been there, done that."
***
Standard Disclaimer.. I don't own the rights to either Monty Python or
Excel Saga, I'm just a poor fanboy who thinks too much sometimes. This
fic is meant for nonprofit, public distribution, anyone found selling it
will be laughed at and then locked in a small room with Xelloss for
several days
***
Chad: "I could arrange that, you know?"
Stan: "Chad. I've been meaning to ask you something. What you just said
reminded me."
Chad: "Yeah?"
Stan: "Are you a Canadian, you fuck?"
Chad: "Canadia is a beautiful place!"
***
"Ilbarazzo wanted it.. and what the Fuhrer wants, the Fuhrer gets..."
***
Kenny: " . . . "
Chad: "Shut up, Ken. You *know* his name is Ilpalazzo!"
Kenny: " . . . "
Chad: "Noooo . . . talk to the hand, talk to the hand."
Stan: "What are you doing, Chad?"
Chad: (in tiny voice) "Sometimes I see dead people."
Rei: " . . . I believe there's a few 'samas' missing there."
Penn: "Wazzaa . . . "
***
a short-haired blonde with a decidedly fangy set of teeth remarked as she
looked over the valley, strewn with bones. She was dressed in a sea
green jacket and shorts with shoulderplates made of a ceramic the same
color as her jacket. She wiped her hands on her shirt and sighed
deeply, "That guy said there was somethin' about it down here, right?"
Her partner, who looked a little too much like a dark-haired Ifurita for
comfort deadpanned, "yeah..." She fell into step behind the blonde and
entered the valley.
***
Stan: "WHERE'S THE BLOOD SPLURTING!!!"
Chad: "Geez, calm down, Stan!"
Penn: "Redrum . . . "
Stan: "I CAME HERE TO SEE HER SPLURT- *bang*"
Rei stares at the smoking gun in her hand.
Mysterious female voice: "Now, now, Rei. Don't kill the author too many
times."
Rei: "Hai."
Mysterious female voice: "Let's begin this over again . . . with my
mysterious powers . . ."
***
All around them was the stench of death and sulfurous smoke.
***
Penn: "Mmm . . . sulphur."
Stan: "What's with him?"
Chad: "Don't mind him. He's just in one of his moods . . . Hey! When'd you
come back to life?"
Stan: "Dunno."
Kenny: "Mghhphhhmhh."
Penn: "Nice, hot, springs . . . Beautiful dead girls."
Stan: "I'm gonna be sick."
Chad: "No more ellipses!"
Rei: " . . . " (prepares her gun)
***
Certainly not the sort of place you'd want to bring the kids on a nice
vacation. In fact, wouldn't a vacation in the Bahamas be just right,
right about now?
***
Penn: "Most definitely."
***
"Hey, Mister Director.. stay on subject!" the blonde bellowed to the
heavens.
Sorry....
"Ya better be!"
***
Kenny: "Ihhhhghhphhmm."
Chad: "No, she's *not* talking to us."
Kenny: "Omhhhiismmmm."
***
* * * *
***
Nemesis: "STAAAARS . . ."
Chad: "Who let him in?"
Nemesis muches on bloody popcorn.
Stan: "Crazy English people."
Nemesis stares at him and pulls out a bazooka.
Stan: "Ehh . . . I was joking. You're not gonna use that, are you?"
Nemesis: "YEEEEEESSSS."
Stan: (gulps)
***
Several universes away, a man known simply as 'Pedro' continued on his
journey home, braving a deadly storm sweeping across a glacier, his
clothing patched and padded with old phonebooks. "When, will my
suffering end?" he asked himself, though the howling wind stripped away
his voice. The ice gave way under him, sending him screaming into an
icy cavern below....
***
Stan: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Pedro: "Hey! That's *my* line!"
Rei: " . . . "
Penn: "A few more zeroes."
Stan: "You shoulda said it first, dumbass."
Pedro: "Hmm . . . You're right. I'll say it now. NOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Nemesis: "YEEEEEESSSS." *boom*
Stan: "Hey! You killed Kenny! You-"
Chad: "Shuddap, Stan."
***
Elsewhere, a small, off-white dog picked the lock on her cage and ran
for the hills...
***
Penn: "Do they sell dogmeat around here?"
Chad: "Only as an emergency camping supply."
Stan: "How do *you* know that?"
Chad: "Ehh . . . my sister told me?"
***
The man with the funny hat who had given directions to the two girls
sighed as he went back off about his business. "They never listen..
they never, ever listen... Guess it's to be expected... Maybe I need a
vacation..."
How about the Bahamas?
***
Rei: "It is currently under water. The Sec--"
Chad: "We know it's PR, Rei, but don't overdo it."
Penn: "The seafood there is excellent."
Stan: "Really? What do they sell?"
Nemesis: "STAAAARS . . ."
Stan: "Didn't know you could eat starfish."
Kenny: " . . . "
Chad: "What? You've eaten it, Kenny? I still say the curry in F-city tastes
better."
Penn: "I wonder how Xell-kun is doing lately?"
***
Pedro, covered in snow and looking rather blue, the blonde, the Ifurita
look-alike, the little dog and even the man in the funny hat all roared,
"STOP ADVERTISING!"
Can't blame a guy for trying...
***
Kenny: " . . . "
Chad: "Don't you dare *touch* my sister! I know she's cute when she gets
angry, but she's like a total psycho bitch!!!"
Kenny: " . . . "
Chad: "I know you're touched that I'm trying to keep you from harm, but
she's horrible, even when she has the donuts!!"
Stan: "Ehh? Donuts?"
Kenny: " . . . "
Chad: "Are *you* implying that-- . . . I am *not* trying to keep her for
myself! I'm not that type of guy!"
Stan: "Er, Chad?"
Chad: "Yeah? Didn't your sister go to that place in Japan several years ago?
And what is this thing about donuts!"
Chad gives Stan a serious look.
Penn: "Redrum . . . "
Rei: "That probably implies, 'I could tell you, but then I'd hafta kill
you.'"
Penn: "Need Not To Know."
Stan: "What's with this 'need not to know' crap?"
Penn: "Wazaaa . . . "
Nemesis: "STAAAARS . . ."
Penn: "Dat's rite. Bahamas are good dis tima da yea."
***
The story focus followed the blonde back, who will be referred to as
Excel for the remainder of this fic because that's her name. If she'd
been named 'the blonde' when she was born then her parents probably
would've been locked up in padded cells. Which makes a person wonder,
just where are Excel's parents anyway and how did she wind up as the
indestructible gofer for Fuhrer Ilbarazzo, leader of ACROSS?
***
Chad: "Oh, so now the story has *focus.* Gee. That's a new one."
Stan: "Well, she's dumb enough to be *named* 'the blonde.'"
Chad: "You know, they were locked up anyways."
Rei: " . . . "
Stan: "How'd you know that?"
Chad: "That is . . . a secret."
Nemesis: "YEEEEEESSSS."
Kenny: " . . . "
Chad: "Shut up Kenny. He's a *distant* relative. Third cousin, actually."
***
"Just say to yourself, 'It's just a show, I should really just relax..'"
advised Hyatt, Excel's partner in errand-running, formerly referred to
as 'the Ifurita look-alike'.
Good point...
***
Stan: "SPLURT BLOOD, DAMN YOU!!!!"
Chad: "Stan . . . "
Rei: "This is for Key-chan." *bang*
Mysterious Female Voice: "Oh, my. This seems to be happening a lot lately. I
wonder if Jack-san has a way of correcting this?"
***
Excel and Hyatt stood at the entrance to a rather dark, foul-smelling
cave surrounded by a rather noticeable 'fort' of human bones. All in
all a really creepy sight to behold. There's nothing quite so
disturbing as seeing, fresh, up close and personal just what it is that
makes the difference between Man and Jellyfish.
***
Kenny: " Hmmhmmm."
Chad: "Yeah, remind's me of my cousin's friend's boyfriend. Real jellyfish,
he was."
Kenny: "Kmmhmhhhh." *splut*
Rei: " . . . " (puts her gun away)
Stan: "You bas--"
Nemesis: "Shut up, Stan."
Stan stares at Nemesis for a moment.
Nemesis: "STAAAARS . . ."
Stan: "Must've been the coffee."
Kenny: " . . . "
Chad: "No, he was dumber."
Stan: "What's he doin'?"
Rei: "He is bypassing the barrier of the heart to understand what others are
saying. When did you restore your AT-"
Penn: "BB-Field detected! Pattern Yebisu!"
Nemesis: "STAAAARS . . ."
Penn: "Ahh, no. Bud goes better with starfish than Yebisu, actually."
***
At which point...
A bunny rabbit hopped out of the cave, twitching it's nose cutely.
"Oh it's *cute*!" Hyatt chimed.
"Lunch..." rasped Excel, pulling out a fork and knife...
The bunny hopped around cutely for a couple of moments more before the
duo took a step closer to it....
Then, things got complicated...
***
Stan: "Rei?"
Rei: "Yes?"
Stan: "Give me the gun."
Rei: "Here."
Stan: "Here we go. Penn?"
Penn: "Yeah."
Stan: "Everybody?"
Nemesis: "YEEEEEESSSS."
Chad: "It's set."
Kenny: " . . . "
Stan: Here we go.
Chorus:
Little bunny Fuu-Fuu
Hoppin' through the forest
*bang*bang*bang*bang*bang*
***
*to be continued?*
***
Rei: "A-807 is to be reenacted immediately."
Stan: "PAIN, PAIN, IT BURNS!!!"