Hiya Debra!
What Michael Noakes and the others said(or criticized) about your story
strikes 'true' so
many times, for me that is.
Don't fret and try to 'justify' why you 'did' what you did to make Ranko
sort of 'transition'
from being a male to all of a sudden female in just 1 or 2 chapters. But the
following are
just my criticisms, you can use these criticisms or just plainly ignored
them. Every author
will have criticisms from his or her peers(duh); it just how they deal with
those criticisms
reflect on whether they want to take the time to change or smooth out those
'flaws'.
Onto the criticisms(again):
Now, I must admit that at the start of your story, 'Ranma' was very
apprehensive of
being female. He denied that Nodoka was his mother because she said that she
had a
'daughter' and not a son. But after a couple of days, he/she suddenly feels
comfortable
being female. After accepting being born female since Ranko/Ranma had seen
'overwhelming evidence' from Nodoka, she suddenly start to act, in my
opinion, very
very feminine. Now...come on! Here we have Ranma being male for most of his
life,
twelve years in fact, then suddenly his self-confidence is gone.(You might
argue
otherwise, but that what I see.) She is dependent on others , like Michael
Noakes
argued, for her 'self-confidence'. The canon-Ranma didn't depend very much
on what
others sees in him. Sure, he might be venerable for a few minute(hour) or
so, but he
lashes back with his tongue or fists depending on the situation. I see none
of that in the
later chapters. Also, sometimes he ignored what others think of him and just
go about
his daily life as if nothing 'significance' happened. Sometimes, he just
'runaway' from the
situation to come back later with something to counter that situation, while
not being
overly 'dependent' on others to solve that situation for him. Now I must
tell you.....
'habits' are really really really hard to get rid of. If you have been doing
things /or acting
in a certain way for most of your life, that creates a 'habit' that is very
hard to get rid of.
Sure, you might temporary changed your ways for a few day, but it comes back
sooner
or later. It doesn't mean that you can't changed it. Of course not! But it
talks lots and lots
of determination and 'rocky' ups and downs. I see only small glimpses of
that. But I NEED
to see more for it to be very convincing.(I'm really sorry if I'm repeating
myself)
Another criticism is about Ranko not liking martial arts as much as 'Ranma'.
My argument
is this: Since 'Ranma' does martial arts for most of his life, you expect me
to believe that once
Ranma 'becomes' Ranko she decide not to pursue it anymore. You can read on
what
Noakes feels about this, since I agreed with his argument. But what I like
to add is this,
Ranma 'suffered' growing up to be the best he/she can be(i.e. the Nekoken,
feuds with
other kids) in martial arts. If you take away his/her martial arts, what is
left? He suffered his
father abuse for 'nothing'. He pushed himself further for every fall, cuts,
bruises he received.
And then all of sudden, Ranko decides it is not important anymore. Come on!
If I suffered
as much as Ranma did to attain the level that he attained....I won't just
give it up, all because
I reasoned it wasn't important anymore(In fact the thought of giving martial
arts up wouldn't
have crossed my mind in the first place. It's what defined me as me, even if
I have been
living a 'lie'). Another argument to this is that somewhere in your story,
Nabiki said that
there was alot of females that achieved 'something' and they are recognized
for it(i.e. being
famous,etc). Now with Ranko being at the level in the martial arts as the
'male', she could
prove that female are equal or better than the males in that field. You
could apply this just
like when Ranko was doubting about her being a famous violinist.
Another criticism: Ranma has been practicing his martial arts for soooo
long, that his body
sometimes 'respond' on instinct. It just doesn't degrade very much in a
couple of days. A
month or so, maybe. A year, definitely. So I was struck out of my mind when
Akane was
able to land a hit on Ranko. Now Ranko is so..so much faster with her girl
body than her
male counterpart. Not only that but she receive training in her girl body
from Cologne since
she can do the 'Chestnut Roasting On An Open Fire' Punch. That is why I have
difficulty
with your story. Not only that, but Ranko didn't defend as well as Ranma
could against
Ryouga. Now I don't see Ryouga training as much as Ranma does. Sure, he has
that heavy
pack and he walks around alot, and all of sudden he is faster/better than
Ranko(that's the
impression that I got). You are telling me that Ranko skill degraded (alot)
whereas Ryouga
gotten better in that same period of time.(Sorry on this criticism, I hope
you 'see' what I'm
trying to argued using Ryouga. If not, then maybe next time. My thoughts are
a jumble
right now.)
Another criticism: If Happosai did what he did to Ranma at such a young age,
then it should
be a tramatic experience like the Nekoken. I mean, you don't wake up the
next morning
and discover that you have a 'thing' between your legs when you shouldn't
have it in the first
place. "Ohhh....It must've grown overnight" Ranma said to
?(herself/himself)......<I wondered
if father will tell me what it is.....> If you argued that he/she forgot
about being the girl in the
mirror for the past 12 years, then why her memories suddenly came out after
seeing a couple
of pictures or videos. If he seen the reflection of his girl side countless
times in a mirror,
why doesn't that jar some kind of hidden memory?
I could go on and on with my criticisms(with other characters,etc) but I
will not indulge any
further than necessary. What you make of my criticisms is up to you. You can
ignored them
and pretend that they never existed. Or you can counter-argued my criticisms
if you wish. I
feel that you are too far in your story to go all the way back and
'changed'('add') parts to make
your story as convincing to the readers as possible. I KNOW that I don't
want you to do that.
Not only is it tedious work, but the change that you make might not satisfy
everyone and so
you have to do alot more 'editing' to you story. And by the time you're
finished, the story
differs from what you intended to accomplished from the onset. (I could be
wrong, of course.)
SO just take a notice of what I(others) have pointed out and use them for
future references,
or maybe not. My basic message is this: Before you write something, make an
outline on what
you want to accomplish. Know how each characters might act in a given
situation(or try to
imagined how they might act). Then write the story. I feel that you rushed
parts of the story
because you want to get to the point in as few chapters as possible.
I wished I had written this when my mind was 'freshed' and clear. Oh well.
P.S.
Don't get me wrong.....you story is OK. But it could be alot better. One way
is to cut the
number of times that Ranko cries(or 'whimpered') I mean, this act alone is
driving me crazy.
I know in real life that many females don't act the way that Ranko does. She
is just...so...so
....what's that word?.....oh yeah....feminine.....in fact 'she' is the very
word itself.
Where: (23*1)+1=23
thus it is true that:
Ranko -Ranma = feminine = girly emotions