Hmm, not surprised Ranko freaked finally.
I'm confused. Shirokuro has had another batch of puppies? And
Ranko doesn't remember the last time, which happened well before
Nodoka showed up? And Ryouga's parents have somehow miraculously
gotten their own GPS devices since then?
Or are you pretending that the earlier incident didn't happen?
In that case, it's just cheating.
I find myself compelled to agree with Mr. Noakes to a large
degree. While this Ranko may be a better person than Ranma, (she's
certainly nicer), she isn't nearly as interesting or likable. You
(and the characters in the story) may see this person as basically
all the good bits of Ranma without the unpleasant edges caused by
unwanted maleness...but I (and I suspect not a few other readers) see
Ranko as Ranma with all the unique and fascinating bits of his
personality removed and less desirable traits inserted.
Ranko *does* come across as a whiny crybaby, and as someone
who's lost their fire. I know from your comments that you didn't
mean this, but this is how it looks. No amount of having other
characters in a story praising another character's good points will
make the reader believe the character has them if they aren't
effectively conveyed.
You can take some comfort, I suppose, in that you're hardly the
only author who's had difficulty convincing an audience that a
character is what you want her to be. Ask me about Kikyo in
"Mysteries of the Mind" sometime....
Some specific suggestions: Everything tends to go waay too
smoothly for Ranko and company once she decides to go en femme.
there need to be more roadblocks; people who like things and Ranma
the way they were, and aren't afraid to say so.
If there is one actual mistake in the story, it's getting rid of
Ranko's curse too early. Having to deal with the fact that her body
will sometimes be male whether she wants to be or not would add more
dramatic tension to Ranko's situation; and remind us that this *is*
in fact Ranma, whatever else has changed.
Your goal, as I understand it, is for Ranko to come to see her
as a worthwhile person. Unfortunately, as the story is written, this
comes at the expense of Ranma's worth as a person. The character I
like is discarded and forgotten by seemingly everyone, with nary a
tear. You might want to have at least Ukyou and Kodachi point out
that Ranma wasn't a monster....
And I know it would go against the whole grain of the story, but
what would really help this reader's interest is to have a menace
show up that doesn't care that Ranko doesn't want to be Ranma anymore
and has stopped trying to be a dedicated martial artist, and
perfectly willing to kick her butt. For example, Tarou, Prince Herb
or especially Kuumon Ryuu.
The last would be especially interesting because his "Ranma
Saotome" guise would cut directly to the core of the identity crisis
that Ranko is having....
Luck,
SKJAM!
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