The Adventures of Chibi Ranma (And Chibi Ryouga)
Chapter 2: Lots of stuff happens

by Louise McCrowe

Last time, on The Adventures of Chibi Ranma (and Chibi Ryouga):
    ***
 "It would be a shame if Mrs. Saotome were to never see her
son again, though.," said Kasumi, matter-of-factly.
    ***
 "So, why do we have to take this test?"
    ***
 "Class, we have two new students joining us today, Ryo and
Ran," the teacher said.  Ryouga and Ranma were registered under
different names to avoid suspicion, and most importantly,
embarrassment.
    ***
 Akane's hand brushed against Ryouga's crotch.
     ***
 Ranma wasn't entirely sure just how accidental that truly
was.
    ***
 "No." "Yes."
    ***
 "Oh, Ryouga, GOD!" she continued, "go! Make me a woman!"
    ***
And now, for the continuation:


    "Well, class, we're running a bit behind schedule today, so
here's the deal: we can either learn about morphological
constraints on quartz based crystals, or sex ed."

    One of the students raised his hand.

    "You. Short dude," the teacher said, pointing at him.

    "What's 'sex'?" The little kid asked.

    "OK. See, there's the bees, and the flowers, OK?" The kids
all nodded in unison. "Very well.  Then, the bees..." he
stopped, a pensive look on his face, "you know," he continued,
"I don't think I ever heard that story to the end.  They usually
just stopped there.  My guess, class, is that the bee just went
and fucked the flower." He paused for a moment, then slapped his
forehead, saying, "what the hell am I thinking? That's not the
'what is sex' story, it's the 'how are babies born' one!  OK,
yours is easy, girl. Sex is fucking.  It's when two people grab
their respective mouth/dick/pussy/sphincter and connect it to
the other one.  The only exception is when the connecting parts
are both mouths.  In that case, it's just called kissing.  I'm
not so sure what's called if its sphincters only."

    "So, kissing is sex?" the kid inquired.

    "No, haven't you been listening, you retard?  Kissing is not
fucking.  What, do I need to draw you a picture? Dammit, you
kids get more stupid by the day." He put a tape marked
'Miscellaneous' in the VCR, pressed play, and left, saying "I
need a smoke."

    ~~~\/~~~

    "Kids, as a few of you have insubordinantly commented, we're
having lunch a bit late today.  Now, a lot of you bring your
lunch from home.  In case you were wondering, yes, they were
pretty good." He let out a silent burp, and continued, "however,
we will now engage in a social experiment.  Basically, all of
you will have to get your food from the same source.  That man!"
he pointed dramatically at the lunch man standing behind the
counter. "Oh, and just in case you were wondering, I called him,
and because we're so late, there is not enough food for all of
you."  The children stood there, unsure of what to do next.

    "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I SAID NOT ENOUGH FOOD! WHOMEVER'S LAST
DOESN'T GET ANY!" and then proceeded to quite literally
kickstart a few of the kids into action.

    Ranma stood back and watched the stampede occur, and the
lunch man frantically shouting out the names of the item he'd be
throwing out to the famished mouths.  Finally, he shouted
"Banana-flavored strawberry muffin!" which was the one that
Ranma was waiting for.  He stepped on some kid's head and
snathed the muffin in midair, well on his way to gobbling it
down when he landed.  As he was stuffing the last pieces into
his mouth, he heard the boy he had stepped on speak up:

    "RaaaAAAAAANNNNMA! That was the one I wanted!" Ryouga
shouted.

    "Oh?" Ranma replied, through a stuffed mouth. "Well, sorry.
What's the big deal? It's only a muffin, anyway."

    Ryouga twitched.

    ~~~\/~~~

<<Po Po Po Pokemon>>
<<Po Po Po Pokemon>>

<<Pokemon, Poketto Monsters>>
<<Pokemon are the champions!>>

<<Change.. into Poketto Champions>>
<<To save.. the Poketto World>>

<<Pokevolve into champions!>>
<<Pokevolve into ultimate!>>

    Kasumi was drawn to the living room by the sounds of the
television.  Kasumi allowed the thought of getting back at
Nabiki for letting the television on all the time to flutter in
her mind, but it only fluttered about for a moment.  It wasn't
too much of a hassle, she reasoned, to turn it off when not in
use.  She just hoped that Nabiki would think the same way.
Quietly, she opened the sliding door, for no reason other than
it was she way she was accustomed to act.  Sitting in front of
the television, she saw three infants in rapt attention.



    "Why, hello, Chibi-Ran, Chibi-Ryo.  Did you have a nice day
at school?" she said, from the door.

    "Eh," replied an entranced Ryoga.

    "Yeah," answered a slack-jawed Ranma.

    "And who might you be, little lady?" asked Kasumi, getting
closer to the pink haired girl, towering over her.

    "I'm Usagi!  People just call me Chibi-Usa."

    "I see. How nice." she turned to Ranma, "Ran, wasn't your
father supposed to pick you up from school?"

    Ranma leaned back his head as far as he could to look at
Kasumi right in the eyes.  After about ten seconds or so, Kasumi
continued, still smiling, "Right.  So, would the three of you
like a snack?"  Kasumi took in the mumbles, assumed they meant
yes, and went into the kitchen.

    Soon, she returned, carrying a large tray, which she placed
in front of the kids.  On it, there were three sandwiches and
three glasses.

    "Here. Warm milk for Ryo and Usagi, and because Ran was so
polite just now, here is a nice, COLD glass of water.  I'll just
leave it right at the edge, so you don't have to stretch out too
far to grab it."  Ryo and Usa went straight at it, taking pieces
out of the sandwiches that barely fit in their mouths, needing
all their effort to chew it down.

    "Chibi-Usa, is your mommy coming to pick you up later?"
Kasumi asked the girl.

    "M, ee dn sh p." Chibi-Usa reached for her glass of milk to
wash it down.

    "Well, if she didn't show up, did you call her and tell you
where you were?"

    "No, I'm going to let her sweat a bit. Forget me once, shame
on you. Forget me twice, it's war."

    "That's good," said Kasumi.  Then, she noticed Ranma hadn't
started yet. "What's the matter, Chibi-Ran?  I made the sandwich
just like you like it, very dry.  Eat, eat ... drink." Without
waiting for an answer, she stood up and left the living room,
taking one last look. Yes, she thought, she'd make a good mother
some day.

    Ranma eyed the huge glass of water just barely on the tray.
The sandwich was almost touching it.  He was hungry, so it
wouldn't do to not eat.  Carefully, Ranma reached for the
sandwich, slowly and avoiding making any sudden moves.  One must
not taunt the beast.  Just as Ranma was getting a hold of the
sandwich, Ryoga slammed down his glass on the tray, startling
Ranma.  The water on the glass swayed, a bit splashing out in
Ranma's general direction as if to say "Hey, foxy lady.  I'm
gonna get ya!"

    "Dammit Ryouga!" Ranma said through clenched teeth.

    "Wha?" replied Ryouga, his upper lip covered in white.

    Ranma ignored him, and carefully pulled the sandwich closer,
past the onlooking glass, and placed it on his lap along with
the plate.  He scooted away a bit, and bit into the sandwich.
The soft, crunchy bread, packed with bready goodness, the nice,
dry, crispy chicken, the little olive slices Kasumi put in it
that he liked so much, the high grade jalapenos, all travelled
accross his palate.  His eyes started to tear up, and he
frantically shoved as much of the sandwich as he could down his
throat.  He would only get one shot at that water, and he had to
make it count.

    "What's wrong with him?" Chibi-Usa asked Ryouga, pointing at
Ranma.

    "Just about everything.  He's probably just doing this to
get attention." Ryouga said.

    "I don't know..." Chibi-Usa remarked, as Ranma tried very
carefully to sip from the glass without getting too close to it.
"Maybe this can help out," she said, and reached into her
backpack, removing a ball shaped like a cat's head.

    Ranma had a full body spasm as a result of watching a giant
cat head being pulled out of the bag.  The water splashed
maniacally, drenching Ranma and almost getting Ryuoga, who had
put up a smaller version of his umbrella as protection.

    "Oh, come on," he said to the red-haired girl, "I saw this
one coming a mile away."

    "G-g-get that th-thing away from me!" Ranma said as she
nervously scuttled away from Chibi-Usa.

    "Hey, how did your hair change color?" Chibi-Usa asked,
crawling closer to Ranma, still holding the ball.

    "Get away! This is not funny!" Ranma kept his distance,
trying to come to grips that this was just a cat-shaped ball,
just a ball, nothing more than a ball.

    "Come on! Tell me! How did you make your hair change color?"
she insisted.

    "Just get away, OK?  That thing gives me the creeps," Ranma
said, regaining some of his sanity.

    "This?" Chibi-Usa looked at the ball. "It wont hurt you.
See?" Chibi-Usa said as she bounced the ball off Ranma's head.

    Ranma shrieked like a little girl, but to her defense, there
wasn't any other way she could have shrieked at the moment.



    Kasumi heard the wussy cries emerging from the living room,
and went to investigage.  There, she found Ryouga bouncing a
ball against Ranma's head, while she tried to frantically get
away, throwing food all over the living room.  Quickly, Kasumi
stepped in between them and took the ball.

    "Now stop that.  Look at the mess you're creating."

    "Well, she started it," Ryouga said, pointing at Chibi-Usa.

    "Hey!"

    "It does not matter who started it, I'm putting an end to
this." Kasumi looked around the living room, and at the kids.
"Really Ryo, you and Ran should know better.  We have to get the
three of you cleaned up now.  Come on now."  Kasumi herded the
three kids to the bathroom, making sure that Ryouga didn't lose
himself.

    "Come on!" Chibi-Usa whined, "How did your hair change
color?"

    "Will you shut up?!"

    "Now, Ran, that's just not polite," Kasumi scolded.

    "Um, Kasumi?  We're just going to wash our clothes, right?"
Ryouga asked, his hands fidgeting a bit.

    "Well, I see you are all so dirty, how about a nice bath?"

    ~~~\/~~~

    "Honestly, Ryo, I don't know why you refused to scrub
yourself down first.  The furo feels a lot better after a nice
cold shower."

    "Yeah, Ryo.  Why didn't you wash yourself down with cold
water first, huh? Huh?" Ranma taunted Ryouga.

    "I just didn't, that's why!" Ryouga crossed his arms and
submerged himself up to the shoulders in the furo.

    "You too, Ran, I had to almost rip those clothes off you,"
Kasumi said, and started to scrub Ranma's back.

    "Yeah, well..." Ranma trailed off.  He hadn't wanted to show
his girl form, but Chibi-Usa didn't seem to have noticed.

    "So, you're a girl?  I thought you said you were a boy.  I
noticed it, you know," Chibi-Usa said, paddling closer.

    "I *am* a boy!" He half-shouted.

    "Boys have a thing.  You don't have any.  And you wear a
pigtail.  Only girls wear pigtails, so there!" Chibi-Usa firmly
declared, splashing around a bit for emphasis.

    "I do so have a thing!" Ranma started to reach down.

    "Chibi-Ran, stop touching yourself," Kasumi said, still
scrubbing.

    Ranma blushed, and resigned himself to his fate.

    ~~~\Another Day/~~~

    "He *exposed* himself?" Akane said, eyes wide open.

    "Yeah," the kindergarden teacher said, "apparently, some of
the kids claimed that he and Ryo were more than just friends,
putting Ran as the girlfriend, or the bitch position.  He
vehemently denied this, going off saying he was a man and all
that.  One of the girls said that boys had dicks and he didn't
have one (which I found to be a very low blow), and that was
when he took off his pants and said something to the effect of
'Who's da man?!'  Here." he opened up one of his desk drawers,
"I have it on tape.  I was recording it for use in a future
lecture, but you might want to have it."

    "Um, thank you, sir," Akane said, and took the tape.

    "What a sick pervert."

    "Yeah."

    ~~~\/~~~

    Genma sat in deep thought at the Tendo Dojo.  He wasn't
exactly sure how, but fate had created a set of circumstances
that gave him an amazing oportunity.

    Ranma had returned to a state of being five years old.  This
meant that he could go on a training trip once more with him,
and this time, he'd get it right.  His son would no longer be an
effeminate freak.  He would be a manly martial artist.  No more
pansy techniques that rely on kawaii kitties to work.  No, he
had been reading up, and that shokushu-ken looked interesting...

    ~~~\/~~~

    Soun was about to invite his friend Genma for a match of Go,
but the maniacal laughter convinced him this probably wasn't the
best time.

    ~~~\/~~~

    Nabiki had been running some figures, trying to see how long
they had until Ranma *had* to return to his normal self.  It
wasn't that the family was hurting any more now, Ranma and
Ryouga were eating a whole lot less in what Nabiki liked to call
their economy size.  There had been just about no damages (other
than a few little holes in the floors  Still, her personal
finances were dropping, having become too accustomed to the
quick fix that Ranma could always provide.  She had grown more
careless, not running as many betting pools as before.  Why
bother, when the odds of greater turn around with pictures were
so much bigger?  She'd have to do something to stir things up.
She tried setting up a betting pool on when would Ranma return,
and was impressed at the reaction.

    "He's gone?" said Daisuke.

    "Oh, yeah, he hasn't been around these last few days, has
he?" would quip Hiroshi.

    Akane hadn't been helping either, playing down Ranma's
dissappearance.  Nabiki had needed to start a rumor about Ranma
running away to avoid marriage, and another one about him
running away to find a way to prove his love.  That had gotten
some of the girls interested, but not enough.  Not like the good
ol' days.  She felt that she was taking a secondary role in all
of this, with Ranma and Ryouga taking center stage, and that
worried Nabiki.  If she had to describe how much it worried her,
she would say that, if all this situation were a chapter in a
book, she'd only get two paragraphs on the spotlight.

    Or maybe three.

    ~~~\/~~~

    Ranma walked the through the commercial district of Nerima,
ice cream in hand, in her girl form.  If there was one advantage
to being stuck as a five year old was that cute little girls got
stuff without being hit upon.  Right now, however, Ranma wasn't
concentrated on getting free stuff, but was trying to find
Ryouga, who had decided he was old enough to go to the bathroom
alone, thank you very much, and had never returned.  Ranma
figured it was just a matter of time before he (or a really
small piglet) showed up again, but Kasumi and Akane forced him
to help in the search.  Really, what was the big deal?  What's
the worse thing that could happen to a little kid in a big city
like Tokyo?

    It was while he was grudginly searching for Ryouga that he
took notice of a somewhat familiar dog a ways ahead.

    "I say, that dog looks somewhat familiar," he said.

    Getting closer, he noticed that it was half-black and
half-white.  Or was it the other way around?  Ranma got closer
to it, since he liked dogs.

    "Hey, there, doggie, how are you?" Ranma said, patting the
dog.  The dog wagged it's tail, and wuffed once. "You're a nice
doggie, aren't you?  Lemme take a look at those teeth."  Ranma
pulled the dogs mouth to reveal his teeth, that he appraised
with a critical eye.

    "Those are nice, sharp teeth.  You hate cats too, don't
you?" The dog wuffed a few more times. "Yes you do, you hate
cats too.  You just chew through them, don't you?  Yes you do,
yes you do, good doggie oggie hoggie," Ranma played with the
dog's ears.

    "Wait a minute, I know where I know you! You're White Nigga,
Ryouga's bitch, right?"

    The dog pointed to his dog collar.

    "Hm. 'Checkers'.  Yeah, I think that was your name, right?
Ok Checkers," Ranma said, mounting the dog, "Lets go!" he
pointed dramatically into the horizon.

    Checkers stood there, with Ranma on her back.

    "To find Ryouga, Checkers," Ranma added.

    And off they went.

    After about two hours, they finally stumbled on Ryouga,
about three blocks from where Ranma had met up with Checkers.
Ranma wasn't sure if that dog was losing himself as badly as
Ryouga, or just plain following Ryouga's winding trail, or both,
but he was more than a little frustrated at wasting so much
time.

    "Ryouga, can't you at least lose yourself inside the house?
Come on, let's go back.  It's getting late already."

    Ryouga fidgeted a bit, and mumbled some gibberish.

    "What?"

    "I said, 'I still have to go'," he said.

    "Oh, come ON!  You can't still be holding it?"

    "You don't see me jumping, do you?"

    Ranma looked around, and at the obviously uncomfortable kid.

    "Well, I guess we have no other choice, then.  Come on,"
Ranma said, and headed for the closest house around, that looked
remotely familiar.

    "Will you get off Checkers?  She must be tired already,"
grumbled Ryouga.

    Ranma dismounted Checkers, jumped up a statue close to the
door, and rung the doorbell.

    "We'll just ask if you could use the bathroom.  After all,
two little kids, a doggie, who can say no?"

    "You wouldn't believe how many could say no to just a cute
little kid," Ryouga said, frowning.

    "Relax," Ranma said, as they heard footsteps approaching the
door, "just let me handle this."

    The door started opening. "Hello! Could my brother use
your--" Ranma stopped when he saw the woman who opened the door.
The woman had a stunned look on her face, which vanished
quickly.

    "I'm sorry. Use my what?" she said.

    "BATHROOM! Please!" said a Ryouga obviously unable to hold
it any longer.

    "Absolutely.  Please follow me," she said, and guided them
inside the house.

    Ranma fidgeted in the main room while Ryouga went to the
bathroom, the woman sitting accross him from the table.  She set
a couple of teacups, with some crackers for Ranma.

    "So, little boy, what's your name?" she asked, a faint smile
on her lips.

    "Ran--" He began, before being able to hold himself back.
He tried to save it the best he could. "My name is Ran."

    "Oh?" she said. "What a remarkable coincidence.  I have a
son who looked just like you when he was a little boy, his
name's Ranma." she sipped some tea, and continued, "but today he
would be sixteen, surely a man among men.  Still, the similarity
is amazing." She stopped, her head bowing just a bit. "I haven't
seen him in over ten years now."  She looked at one of the
pictures she kept on the table, of a small Ranma happily hugging
a cat while sitting on his father's lap, with Nodoka smiling
behind them, obviously from before Ranma left.  Another picture
besides it was much more ragged, apparently having been crumpled
before being put in its holder.  It presented an apparently
sleeping Ranma lying along a cat huddling against him.  Ranma
remembered that picture, and he was unconscious rather than
sleeping.

    "Don't worry," Ranma said, attempting to put as much
enthusiasm in his voice as he could muster, "I'm sure that
you'll see him again soon, and he'll be strong and manly!"

    "Thank you," she said, her spirits lifting a bit, "that's
very sweet."

    "OK, I'm done," Ryouga said, emerging from the bathroom.
"Let's go back to the dojo, Ran--"

    "RAN! YES, THAT'S MY NAME! LET'S GO, RYO!" Ranma shouted.
"Thankyouforyourhospitalitygoodbye"

    "Wait, dojo? Wh--" she began, but the Ranma had already ran
out, dragging Ryouga and Checkers with him at very fast speeds.

    "Wait, please!" she shouted, but it was too late, only a
dust cloud remained.

    "That was odd," she thought to herself, "Could it be ... no.
Still, I should visit the Tendos anyway, I miss the girls."
Deciding so, she went back into the house to get ready.

    ~~~\/~~~

    "You're lucky, Ranma," Ryouga said, walking alongside
Checkers.  "I haven't seen my mother in a long time now."

    "Yeah, but if she found out it was me, she'd go nuts!  You
gotta get used to calling me 'Ran', Ryouga," Ranma said.

    "What about you?  And it wasn't my fault, I didn't know she
was your mother," Ryouga retorted.

    Ranma didn't reply.  What damage was done wouldn't be
undone, no reason to bicker over it.  Finally, they arrived at
the Tendo house, safe and sound.

    "Ah, Ryouga, just the person we wanted to see," Akane said,
followed closely by Nabiki. "Could you come with us, please?"

    "Sure!" Ryouga said, and gleefully took Akane's hand and
followed her and Nabiki, not for a moment thinking about the
frilly little dress that Nabiki was holding in her hands.

    "What? Hey, what about me?" Ranma complained to nobody in
particular, even though Kasumi was standing alongside him.

    "Oh, they just thought you wouldn't agree to dress up,
that's all.  Are you jealous?" Kasumi asked.

    "Well, not really... hey, where's Checkers?" he said,
looking around for the missing dog.

    "She must be in the kitchen, tending to her puppies."

    "What? Why are the puppies here? It makes no sense," he said
after a moment's thought.

    "Silly, she brought them here," Kasumi said, picking Ranma
up. "If you're feeling the need for some attention, I'm afraid
I'll just have to do," she said, and and started bobbing him up
and down.

    "Come on, this is sil--WHOAH!" Ranma was caught off-guard as
Kasumi threw him in the air, catching him on the way down.
Ranma was still protesting when she did it again, actually
throwing him pretty high, considering he wasn't a baby. Ranma
was starting to enjoy it when Kasumi stopped.

    "OK, now, that's enough.  You're no lightweight, Chibi-Ran.
You must have gotten it from your father." Ranma gave a small
chuckle at Kasumi's jest, and gave her a hug, still being held.

    "Thanks, I needed that, MOM!?" Ranma shouted the last word,
startling Kasumi, as his mouth was pretty close to her ear.

    "What-- What are you doing here?" Ranma said to the woman
standing in the doorway.  Kasumi turned around just in time to
see Nodoka Saotome drop a package she was carrying and cover her
mouth with both her hands.

    "No, no, no," Ranma said, dislodging himself from Kasumi,
and approaching the staggering Nodoka. "I'm sorry, I'm really
sorry, mom," he said.

    "Oh, child, you don't have to apologize," Nodoka said,
recovering. "Not to me, nor to your mother," she said, stepping
past Ranma close to Kasumi and covering her hands with her own.

    "Oh, Kasumi," she said, pity and compassion in her eyes,
"why didn't you tell me?"

----

Aaaaaaaaand I think I'll cut it off right there.  It's gotten
too long for my tastes already.  Plus, I don't think anybody's
reading this fic, anyway.
As always, C&C is always appreciated.  To those people that
e-mailed me a week ago, more or less (the two of you), and I
didn't answer, sorry, I was going through a dry spell and wasn't
really feeling up to talking about this fic.  Now, I'm off into
another dry spell until I can complete my next piece of work (still in planning stages, hoping I can pull it off, new ground for me).  I
think I speak with a lot of confidence, though, when I say that there
won't be a chapter three to this.

-mccrowe

Don't have a webpage, past fics can be read by searching through
http://meridun.tripod.com , the FFML Mini-Archive.

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