* Well, this is about a week or so after the orginal post,
but any C&C is better then none, right? My comments are
between the asterisk(es?)(i?). What's the plural for that
anyway? ^_^;;*
Gundam Moon
By Raye Johnsen
raye_@yahoo.com
*********
Gundam Wing is copyright Sunrise and all associated persons. Sailor
Moon is copyright Naoko Takeuchi, Toei Animation, DiC and Mixx. I
do not own any rights or characters.
*********
Chapter One: On the Wing of a Prayer
It is odd to tell the story now. Now, when it's all over,
when the schoolchildren are taught it in the schools and it's a
matter of history.
The histories, however, are incomplete. None of them tell
*all* the story; indeed, I only know it because of what I am and
what I may do.
I am - no. I will not tell you my name. You will doubtless
identify me from my narrative, and if you don't, you may look
upon the revelation as an anticipated treat. You would be wise
to do so.
* Cute comment. Good character development, whoever it is. *
I am Sailor Pluto, and this is not my story.
*Well, of course it's Pluto. Only she could be so cryptic.
But that’s okay, cryptic beginnings are good. *
********
Relena Darlian sat on the beach. The moon was a deep,
burnished gold coin, flung into the sky and held there by some
caprice of the Gods, adding its hue to the reflected sunlight it
shone onto the earth. Pooling like golden ink on watered silk,
the moonlight seemed to float on top of the ocean. The sight was
a gently elegant contrast to the feel of the rough granules of
sand caught between her bare toes.
*Excellent scene description. It's more like I'm seeing this then
reading it.*
She appreciated the beauty much more, now. Death had walked
too close too many times for her to embrace it anymore. No longer
did she need to feel the muzzle of an assassin's gun against her
skin to be aware of the pulse of her own life.
*That’s probably a good thing… *
Pulling her knees to her chest, she sighed. /Finally, I
have everything I needed. Purpose, family - well, Milliard and
Lucrezia call every week and Anne and Marimeia have adopted me
as a niece and cousin, so I have more than a lot of others. More
than he did./
Shaking her head, she abruptly stood. No, she would *not*
think of him. She had done something she should have done a long
time before, and let him go. He would probably not be back.
Walking into the moonlight, she tried to think of nothing:
not politics, not her life and *especially* not her DOA love life.
Ironically, despite the fact that not a single original,
profound, honest-to-God *thought* had ever graced her head before
her fifteenth birthday, Relena had discovered the unwelcome fact
that she was no longer able to switch her brain off.
* I hate it when that happens… *
Even now, when she looked across the small bay, she couldn't help
thinking of the report she'd gotten the day earlier,
* “earlier in the day” or “the day before.” “The day earlier” doesn’t
really make sense. *
that a group of war orphans had set up camp in the ruins on the
other side of the bay and were supporting themselves by a particularly
nasty combination of theft, underage prostitution and drug trafficking.
* Hmm. Is this going to play into the story later? I know Relena
needs a reason to be out wandering the beach on a sleepless night,
but this little chunk of information seems to fall a little flat.
Maybe if the thought trailed off, as if Relena was distracted from
it by seeing the meteor… *
A meteor streaked across the sky. It fell, down, down...
... and stopped half a handspan above the horizon. It waited
a few moments (while Relena's eyes bugged out as she realized
this *wasn't* a meteor)
* maybe take the “while” out of “while Relena’s eyes…” *
and then seemed to settle, gently floating, across the bay.
She struggled to the road at the top of the beach, rapidly
relearning exactly why it *isn't* faster to run on loose dry
sand, and, taking one look at the strappy, elegant high-heeled
sandals she'd worn to the party she'd sneaked out of, ran
barefoot along the road toward the strange meteor's landing site.
* Big ‘ol run on sentence. I use them on occasion, but
this one would do just as well if it were broken up. If you ended
the first part after “sand,” the reader wouldn’t have to hold that
mental breath so long. Also, a comma should go between “loose”
and “dry.” If you do decided to break this in two parts,
a “she” needs to go Between “of” and “ran.” *
She'd chance a possible cut foot against a certain broken ankles
any day.
The glow had vanished by the time she had run across the
bridge that crossed the bay. She couldn't see it anywhere.
If there was one thing Relena had learned during her
seventeen years of life, it was that there comes a point when
pursuit becomes futile. Whether or not she pursued the hunt
beyond that point, however, was a different matter.
*Good character development. *
She sniffed the air. A strange perfume hung on the wind; it
made her nerves shiver and her muscles tense. She tried to
concentrate on it, finding it elusive. But it flirted with her
nose and drifted away beyond her senses, until she couldn't smell
it anymore.
She shook her head and turned to leave for the long walk
back to the party, oblivious to the golden, uptilted crescent
which had appeared for a moment between her eyebrows.
* Little gold crescent on Relena’s forehead? Cue the dramatic
chord. ^_^ I like the tone you’ve established at this point.
It’s very deliberate, but without being slow or boring. Keep it up. *
********
The next day, Relena asked her loyal butler,
* Alfred. *
Pargin,
* Oops, wrong super hero… *
about any unexplained phenomena in that area the night before.
"I will begin the search for information immediately, Lady
Relena," Pargin bowed calmly, his thoughts hidden.
"Thank you, Pargin," she replied, her face equally blank.
Some things she would never be able to share with Pargin,
* Such as her nearly inexplicable love of Country and Western
music. Pargin was too much of a classical buff to ever
appreciate a good truck driving song… *
despite his proven loyalty. How she knew that the mysterious light and
perfume from the night before were among them, she didn't know.
********
An empty office wasn't so very unusual during the lunch
break, especially when she'd sent Pargin off on an errand. Relena
smiled. Half an hour to herself! She could go shopping - or read
a trashy, pointless novel. (Historical romances were good. Sweet
no-brainers with gorgeous guys and great sex. Reading them was
a reputation-saving substitute for the lack of such in her *real*
life.)
* More good character development. It’s details like this that add
a real life flavor to your story. Keep doing that.*
She could even stuff her face without finding an
over enthusiastic member of the paparazzi at the table across from
her.
* Is her security so bad that the paparazzi often make it into
her private office? *
She sighed at that thought. Was that what she was reduced
to? A bar of chocolate a secret treat hidden in her desk drawer?
* Maybe “A bar of chocolate that had become a secret treat…”
It flows a little better. *
A hint of scent tickled at her nostrils. Relena blinked. She
recognized that perfume! It was - it was the perfume from last
night!
* Heroism, by Calvin Klein *
She turned to see a woman moving past the open office door.
Relena blinked. She'd never seen a woman with a blazing
black cross on her forehead before.
* Okay, this is new. I’m I supposed to recognize this
person as a villain from the past come again, or is the
black cross the latest yoma marking? *
Blinking again, she stuck her head out the door, watching
the woman. She
* Is that “she” Relena or the woman? *
passed one of the ubiquitious
*ubiquitous – no third “i” *
secretaries that inhabited the
building, and the man simply nodded at her, not perceiving
anything different about her.
Rubbing absently at the spot between her eyebrows, where she
felt a tingle on her skin, she slipped after the strange woman.
The woman walked out of the hall and into the private
courtyard where most of the employees were eating. Relena was
close enough to hear her mutter "Perfect."
* Cue Angel Attack music. ^_^*
Producing out of nowhere a strange, scepter-like staff
topped with a black cross-like symbol, the same as the one on her
forehead, the woman lifted it up and began to chant in a soft,
musical language. Relena didn't recognize any of the words but
slunk back behind the glass doors as fast as she could. There was
something menacing in those words that ran up her spinal column
and made her skin try to crawl off her bones. Whatever that woman
was doing, it had to be stopped.
Taking a deep breath, she stepped out into the courtyard.
"Hey you! Stop!"
* Well, she’s got the “make myself a target” instincts of
Sailor Moon. Of course Relena had those before… *
The woman turned slowly. "Stop?" she enquired
* Inquired*
gently, her tone gently chiding the one who dared interrupt.
"Yes, stop! I don't know what you're doing here, but I
require an explanation before I can permit you to continue!"
Relena continued, before she could run out of nerve.
The woman smiled cruelly. "Permit me?" She shook her head,
lifting her staff. "No, it is *I* who will not permit *you* to
continue." A beam of light shot from the end of her staff.
It missed Relena, who had scrambled back when the woman had
lifted her sceptre.
* scepter *
She shrugged and aimed again.
Relena, for her part, was watching the sceptre.
*scepter *
The woman wasn't terribly scary - Heero had been scarier
when he tore up the invitation to her birthday
party,
* Yes he was. That was one of his creepier moments. *
and that was nothing to facing down a Gundam –
but that stick of hers could hand out the damage.
She moved again. She had no intention of letting it hand it
out to her...
*Maybe rephrase that a little. “no intention of letting it hand
out damage to her…” *
but none of the other people in the courtyard were
moving! She spared the young man she was beside a glance,
and saw that he *couldn't* move; he was unconscious.
* D’oh! *
Hiding behind a bush, she clenched her hands into impotent
fists. That woman was standing in the open, so she couldn't take
out the sceptre
* sceptER *
without getting hit, but the others here were
going to be injured if she didn't do *something*...
"What can I do?" she muttered. "What *can* *I* *do*?"
|What will you give?|
Relena blinked at the thought. It was definitely not hers.
"What?"
|You have the ability. There is, however, a price. Will you
give the price demanded?|
"If I can," she muttered, watching the woman fry an innocent
gardenia bush. "What is it?"
|Your life.|
Relena thought about her life. About the miles of paperwork.
About her brother and sister-in-law, who called once a week when
they had enough time to remember to. About the morals and
standards she was forced to live up to. About the guy who'd never
shown her whether or not he cared but she still couldn't forget
anyway.
"Take it."
* Well done. I like this little moment of self-assessment. Great
character development and good plot tension. But I do hope
that in future chapters you will let us readers know just who
the mysterious voice is? I get the feeling that it’s probably
Usagi or Pluto, but it’s so logical that I keep thinking it’s Ami. *
She felt the tingle between her eyebrows become an ache, and
her right hand was clenched around - something. Opening it and
looking down, she found herself holding a small, elegant cravat
pin, set with a diamond that had been carved, very unusually,
into an uptilted crescent.
|Repeat after me: Moon Crescent Power, Make UP!|
Relena frowned. Shouting those words would take forever, not
to mention betray her location. She'd yell "Moo-" and be fried.
Whispering them would have to do.
* Good attention to detail. *
"Moon Crescent Power, Make-UP!" she muttered, projecting as
much emotion into the words as she could.
The pin flared and a ribbon of light spun out from it,
twisting around her body. She felt it settle against her skin,
forming itself into boots and gloves, a leotard bodysuit and some
kind of headdress. /I probably look perfectly ridiculous,/ Relena
decided.
Deciding to go with the flow (and if she looked *really*
silly, she could just deny everything anyway) she stood up.
"Hey you!"
The woman swung her whole body to face where Relena
was suddenly standing up. She didn't do anything else, just stood
there.
"These people came here to enjoy the sunshine during their
precious free time. Ruining it for them is an act of despicable
cruelty! I, the Beautiful Soldier Sailor Moon, will not permit
it!" /Wow, where did all *that* come from? And why wasn't she
lopping my head off as soon as I said 'These'? Heero would
have.../
"Sailor Moon?" The woman blinked, looking at Relena. "You
are Sailor Moon?"
* That’s what the little voice said…*
Relena had already moved, taking up a defensive stance near
a thick-trunked fig tree. Staring at the other, she felt oddly at
a loss. This wasn't the way battle went!
* But it’s a law of Magical Girl Battles. Didn’t she watch
any anime when she was younger? *
You struck and parried. Words distracted opponents and flung
smokescreens of speeches over actions. Relena might fight with
laws and speeches and politics these days rather than bullets,
but she was a warrior still; as much or more than a certain
Gundam pilot with Prussian-blue eyes had ever been...
*Ooo. Prussian-blue. Very nice. *
And, as a warrior, she knew that you don't debate over the
crossfire. You attack, you defend, or you counter-attack. You
shore up vulnerable positions and watch the enemy for vulnerable
areas.
"I am," she finally returned, for lack of anything else to
say. The evil genius that had inspired her first speech seemed to
have evaporated. She stood, arms akimbo. Oddly, attacking the
woman seemed... wrong, somehow. As if she should be allowed to
prove herself.
* Another law of Magical Girl Battles. *
The woman grinned wickedly. The cross on her forehead glowed
a sickening shade of metallic green, the same colour
*color – but this one is debatable. *
as the walls
of Marimeia's battlecruiser. Relena swallowed against the bile
the memory of those hours brought up into her throat. Watching,
she stared as the grin and the cross became the only constants in
a hellish transformation.
Relena would later describe it as "a cross between a
Gunma’s transformation, a plastic surgeon's view of a facelift,
and a three-year-old's first experience of Play-Doh".
* Yay, Play-Doh! *
She stared in horror as skin peeled off muscles, bones stretched and
features rearranged themselves between the burning symbol and
that horrifying rictus that twisted the seeming-woman's lips. Her
business suit lengthened, brightened and split into a neon-purple
catsuit complete with boots, while her skin darkened to an olive-
green shade. Her hair twisted up into a shock of blazing purple
that stood completely on end. Her eyes blazed into orbs of
orange-red that seemed about to burst from her skull.
* More good description details. *
Relena's sole thought was a strangely dispassionate
acknowledgement that she wanted to vomit.
The thing which had been a woman stepped across the grass,
reeking of the perfume which had lured Relena to the courtyard in
the first place. Coupled with the retch-inducing sight she had
just endured, Relena felt her gag reflex taking over.
The thing lifted its staff and blasted the grass where
Relena had been standing. Cursing, it began to take aim again.
Living in the company of Gundams had its uses, Relena
reflected soberly as she peered around the tree's trunk. If she
hadn't been watching the thing, she might have been too busy
throwing up to notice it beginning its attack and dodge.
* Okay. She’s good enough to dodge and vomit at the same
time? That’s almost too much presence of mind. *
/But honestly, this is a joke! It's like a bad teenage
girl's TV show.
* Hey, she did watch anime as a kid! *
Any minute now, a hero's going to appear on a
stairway in midair, pull out a sword and utter some platitude
about me being the Lost Legendary Angel from Heaven, and how I
have the strength to save the day.../
PUTTTPUTTTPUTTTPUTTTPUTTTPUTTTPUTTTPUTTTPUTTT
Relena stared at the row of bulletholes that had appeared in
front of the thing. Her eyes lifted slowly to the trenchcoat-clad
figure that was perched on the windowsill of the building
opposite the courtyard. His face was shadowed by his wide-brimmed
hat as he unclipped the silencer from the barrel of the handgun,
slipped it inside his coat and slid the gun into a holster
strapped to his thigh.
"Well? Are you going to take all day, Sailor Moon?" the boy
demanded. His voice was low and rich and oh so very familiar...
/Heero?/
"I can't be killed by *bullets*!" The creature exulted as it
stepped over the line Trenchcoat Guy had drawn with his skill. "I
will kill *them*, and *you*, and *him*..."
* I like Trenchcoat Guy! I always thought Tuxedo Mask was
a stupid name. This is perfect. *
"No," Relena replied. A flat, complete denial that was
neither emphatic nor loud but still allowed no possibility of
refutation. "You will not."
"You can't stop me!"
* Wait for it… *
the woman thing continued, ignoring how
Relena's expression blanked for a few seconds as though listening
intently to someone.
* Wait for it… *
It didn't notice the way she stepped
forward, fumbling with her tiara, lining it up with the new moon,
visible in the sky on the western horizon. "I will gain your
death-energy for my-"
"Moon Twilight Flash."
* Now. *
"AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"
Relena tilted her head to one side, standing still as the
thing's corpse sifted down into ash from the blast of light she'd
managed to produce somehow, obeying the little voice's
instructions. "Aren't I supposed to die now?"
|Whatever gave you that idea?|
"You asked for my life."
|So why do you offer your death?|
Relena blinked. She hadn't thought of it like that. "So -
what happens now?"
|You take off the uniform and go home until next time.|
"Next time?"
|This wasn't a once-off, Relena. You are Sailor Moon, and
you will fight for us. You agreed to, remember?|
"It will happen *again*?"
|Why do you think we asked for your *life*?|
* So logical. See why I keep hearing Ami? *
Relena sighed. Looking down, she absently brushed her hand
over the brooch in the center of the bow on her chest. Her
strange garments dissolved back into the business suit she'd put
on an eternity ago when she'd gotten up that morning. Noting it
in the back of her mind, she was more preoccupied with the fact
that all the unconcious
*unconScious *
people around her were beginning to stir.
Then her eyes drifted over the line of bulletholes Trenchcoat Guy
had created.
Relena blinked. Trenchcoat Guy - who *might* be Heero - who
had been in the building across the road -
She raced back into the building, ran through the corridors
to the street entrance, dashed across the road (causing a minor
prang as a motorist swerved to avoid her and failed to avoid a
rubbish bin) and stopped at the locked and barricaded doors of
the building Trenchcoat Guy had been standing in. A poster had
been pasted to the glass doors.
BUILDING CONDEMNED DUE TO STRUCTURAL FAILURE, it read.
As she stood there, almost as a macabre punctuation mark,
one of the doors on the internal corridor she could see from the
street fell out of the wall into the corridor. The crash shivered
through the empty shell of the structure.
* Nice touch. ^_^ *
Relena backed away from the building slowly.
Walking back to her own office very slowly, she tried hard
to think. She had somehow vowed herself to fight on behalf of
someone or something unknown, against something or someone that
could send out things to fight that looked like people and
somehow nobody else could see weren't. She had a maybe-ally who
might or might not be able to fight, who might or might not be
her ex-obsession (ex? Maybe not. 'Women Who Love Too Much' et al
didn't seem to be working. Maybe she should get a cat?).
* Another nice touch. ^_^ At least Luna would be used to hearing
a young girl bemoan her love life while eating candy… *
She had a funky outfit that wasn't what anyone could call
'modest' by any stretch of the imagination, and she got into
it by reciting a catrip while touching a crystal pin. Oh, and
her method of destroying her enemies was by application of
reflected moonlight through a gem on her headdress.
/Any minute now, I'm going to wake up,/ she thought half-
heartedly, knowing she wasn't asleep. If she was, her knee
wouldn't hurt, she wouldn't have a stitch in her side, and
Trenchcoat Guy would have been Heero and he would have been
waiting for her, holding a white rose.
Shaking her head, she tried to concentrate on her paperwork.
It didn't work too well. A number of things got rubber-stamped
that day that she would not have otherwise passed. (Which is why
the entire delegation to L2 found themselves carrying their
lunches in Hello Kitty bento boxes during the next set of treaty
meetings. Relena was in quite a lot of trouble with them over
that, and never could remember how she managed to do it to them.)
* Cute. ^_^ *
* The fight scene reads very well, and Relena’s immediate reaction
to the change in her life seems very consistent with her character. The
pacing is good, and the detail is wonderful. Naturally, I wish you
would have let the youma finish her sentence regarding what
she would do with Relena’s death energy, but hey, that is just
one more detail that WILL be illuminated in another chapter.
Otherwise, I, and other readers like me, may be forced to track
you down and take drastic action. No pressure. ^_^ *
*********
"He-*llo*," said a quiet voice. A warm baritone, it belonged
to a youth, dressed in black and red, with a long braid that fell
past his hips.
* Hey! The guys are finally here. *
"What's up, Duo?" the other occupant of the office asked
him. A girl, slightly younger than her companion, with feathery
black hair cut short over her head and bright sky-blue eyes, she
wore a wine-coloured
* Again, “colored” – but still debatable. *
tunic over black tights. Biting on a pencil
while she sat at a table, heavy with papers and account books,
doing the junkyard's accounts by hand, the image she presented
was one that never failed to make Duo smile.
* You might want to remind readers like myself (who forget the
little details) just where “the junkyard” is in relation to
Relena’s office. Is it on one of the colonies? *
"Does this look familiar, Hilde?" he asked, rocking back in
the chair, allowing his lover to see the computer monitor.
Hilde stood up, streching
*streTching *
to get the kinks out of her back.
Slipping under her lover's arm, she bent close to the screen.
Habit made her glance at the toolbar at the bottom of the screen.
"Duo, you really shouldn't be hacking Lady Anne's security
profiles. What if she decided to hire Heero or Quattro to track
the leaks?"
"If she can get Quattro to let Towa go long enough to come
and do it, I'll pay the fine myself. And if she can *find* Heero,
I'll - I'll - I'll take a vow of silence."
Hilde laughed. "Don't say that! I'd miss your voice."
Duo lifted an eyebrow. "You sure know how to sweet talk a
guy. A girl who likes my conversation, and they said nobody liked
my natter! For that, I'll climb the gantries and send the message
soaring to the stars-"
Pulling his face down to hers, Hilde silenced him with a
gentle kiss that rapidly turned passionate. "Don't go up
*there*," she whispered. "At least, not alone."
"I won't," he whispered back. They regarded each other for a
long, quiet moment, then Hilde turned back to the screen. She
studied it for a second, then turned back to Duo.
"It's Relena - in a gymnastics uniform?"
"It's someone calling herself 'Sailor Moon', according to
the disc. Blasted some*thing* with some kind of energy blast that
she - get this - generated herself out of reflected moonlight."
Hilde frowned, tapped the mouse and replayed the footage.
"It's Relena."
"Is it? I mean, I know it looks like her-"
"It's *Relena*, Duo! I know her! We were on Libra together,
I went to the Sanq Kingdom School with her and Dorothy when you
and the rest were working on the Mars Terraforming Project, and I
always stay with her whenever I go to Earth! I know the way
Relena walks and the way she talks and the way she moves and
*that* *is* *Relena*!"
"Okay, okay, it's Relena!" Duo replied. "I believe you!"
"Good," Hilde relaxed and returned her attention to the
screen. "An energy blast? How'd she *do* that? Why didn't she do
it with OZ?"
"Beats me," Duo opined cheerfully. He grabbed a copy of the
file and quickly emailed it. But not quickly enough for Hilde to
miss the address he sent it to.
"heero_yuy@yahoo.com? I thought you didn't know where Heero
was," she asked suspiciously. "That's what you told Lady Anne
last week. And me, just now."
* ^_^;; He’s got a Yahoo account? *
"I *don't* know where he is," Duo said piously. "That's the
beauty of webmail, he can pick it up anywhere. She didn't ask me
if I could *contact* him. And nor did you," he said
mischieviously,
*mischievously – no third “i” *
tapping her on the nose.
* He’s “heero_yuy@yahoo.com” and no one can figure out
how to contact him? Good grief… ^_^ *
Hilde laughed. "Point," she conceded. "You don't lie, but
nobody said you had to be honest..."
"I can be honest if I want to!" Duo protested.
Hilde stood up and stepped to him, twining her arms about
his neck, pulling his face down to hers. "Show me?" she breathed,
just before she kissed him.
He did.
* Like I said before, my only suggestion at this point is to
remind readers like me where he junkyard is. I’m assuming
Relena is on Earth, but knowing where Duo and Hilde are
will make things a little clearer on my mental map. And
maybe give us a clue where Quatre and Trowa are as well.
I know you want them to feature in the background of the
story, but that little extra detail won’t hurt. *
*********
*PING*
"You've got mail!" his computer announced in that horribly
cheerful tone. One of these days he'd shoot the thing.
* That must be Heero now. Of course, a smart computer
guy like him would know he could turn that off. I’m not
sure if that’s a criticism or not…*
Opening the mail and noting its sender - Duo was a fervent
correspondent.
* “He opened the mail and noted its sender…” Otherwise,
you have a sentence fragment that just hangs there. *
He wrote every three days, even if all he had to
say was "Caught laryngitis, Hilde got her hearing checked."
Viewing the file -
- and spilling his coffee on himself as he watched Sailor
Moon's attack.
* Another sentence fragment that hangs there. “he spilled his coffee…” *
It was Relena. The figure appeared as Sailor Moon,
disappeared offscreen as Sailor Moon, but he *knew* it was
Relena. Which meant others would, too.
Duo must know that. Why else would he send it? It was a
warning of what was about to happen.
Heero Yuy flipped the power switch on his laptop and snapped
it shut. Preparations had to be made.
**********
Author's notes:
1) Yes, Heero and Duo are straight in this fic. Yes, Quatre and
Trowa are a couple in this fic. So I don't know whether it
qualifies as yaoi or not!
* That’s how I saw them all in the series anyway.
Personally, I don’t think it matters unless you intend to get
lemon-ish (which, by your tactful cut away from Duo and Hilde,
you probably aren't going to do.). *
2) Fair warning here and now: the guys of Gundam Wing are going
to be *very firmly* in the background of this fic. This is all
about the girls. I like the girls. I like Hilde, I like Lucrezia,
I like Relena. I even (Seiryuu help me) like Dorothy. So...
please don't ask for more of the boys. You're very unlikely to
get it.
* Is Lady Un still around?*
3) "Moon Twilight Flash" *is* one of Sailor Moon's attacks - it's
from the manga. It's actually *more* powerful than the Moon
Tiara. She only uses it once, in the fourth chapter/issue of the
manga, "Masquerade". It's in the first graphic novel, if you wish
to see it for yourself.
4) Why isn't Relena a ditz? Because she isn't, in GW. She was
living in her own little dreamworld at the beginning of the TV
series, because Real Life had nothing to offer her. By the end of
Endless Waltz, she was a very astute polititian
*politiCian - sorry, force of habbit. ^_^*
with a *lot* of
savvy.
Also, by the end of Endless Waltz, she'd spent two years
having to live as a political symbol. She was used to being
attacked. One can't help thinking that, after looking down the
barrel of Heero Yuy's gun and being targeted by the Gundams, OZ
*and* the Federation at the same time, youma are a little tame.
* Personally, I think you’ve captured Relena very well here. She
Did mature enormously between the beginning and the end of
Gundam Wing. I like the fact that she isn't a ditz. Your characterization
of her as someone who thinks before she acts remains constant. *
* Some comments on series continuity here. As far as Gundam
Wing goes, my exposure to the show is the uncut version played on
Cartoon Network. Dubbed, and therefore probably not the best. I know
there is another series that follows immediately after, (which
must be when Milliardo came back, as you’ve mentioned here), but I think that
people are goint to be most familier with the one shown on TV. If
your plot is going to lean heavily on events that have happened
since the end of GW, you might want to explain things in a little
more detail then you would first think necessary.
With regards to Sailor Moon, my main question is this: does
this story take place as a continuance of the series, or is this an
alternate universe? It was my assumption that this is a continuation
of the original Sailor Moon universe, hence the reason I keep thinking
of Ami as the mysterious voice. If it is the same universe, (just
set in the future) what happened to the original Sailors, and does
anyone in Gundam time know who the Sailors are?
If I’m wrong, and this is an alternate universe, then say so in
your author’s notes or make it very, very clear in the main body
of the story. Of course, this could be one of the little
mysteries you intend to clear up later in the story.
Other questions that need answers:
- Who is Pluto? (I know, you’re not telling).
- Who is the voice?
- Why did the voice choose Relena?
- Who is the new threat, and where does it come from?
- What are they going to be using death energy for?
(Aside from the obligatory attempt to take over the world.)
[Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tonight?]
- Who is Trenchcoat Guy? And where does he come from?
- Who else will figure out that Relena is Sailor Moon? Her
secret identity is kind of blown at this point...Although only
to those who may become involved with her super hero side...hmm.
- Does Relena have a Batcave for her loyal butler to work in?
Speaking for your readers, we expect these answers and more
in future chapters.
Over all, your grammar, and spelling are great. Your discriptions
are wonderful; I feel more like I'm seeing the scene then reading it.
The plot is well laid out so far, establishing a serious
tone for the series that doesn't give
anything away too early. In fact, you haven’t
given anything away so far, darn it all. ^_^
So please, keep writing this one. I certainly want to know
what will happen next. If you need any pre-readers for this,
let me know.
Sincerely,
Megan Swain
mswain@gladstone.uoregon.edu *