Not bad, but could stand quite a bit of development and better pacing to
build up the apparent climax (Gracia's recovering her Naga memories). As it
stands, the story is rather quiet and low-key throughout, with no rising or
falling action.
There's really no big villain, that might be why. The battle is against the
past and memories. Makes it very difficult to do a climax without making it
unrealistic. Also, the story is fairly low-key. I can't write action scenes
wiorth shit, and Slayers is all action, so it's a tough line to draw. I do
need to emphasize more the reason Gracia lost it and became Naga, that will be
part of the rewrite.
One point which immediately caught my attention, and truly disappointed me,
was the first plot point introduced- Lina accidentally killing an innocent.
This was not played up to any original effect, and by the middle of the
story it had disappeared completely, without any resolution or even a hint
of lasting impact. Inasmuch as it might be necessary to leave Lina guilty
enough to lean on Gracia for support, I would recommend having Lina
-almost- zotz Naga instead. As it currently stands, the plot point just
doesn't work for me, and either needs to be resolved much better, or be
dropped entirely.
I really should add one or two things, but to me it became the study of a
simple horrific act - Lina killing the girl - and developed into Lina
questioning why she acts the way she acts, and if there isn't a better way to
do this. It becomes more large-scale analysis of her motives. I'll try to
blend the two together more...
Thanks for the comments. ^_^
--SG