Standard disclaimer stuff: Ranma 1/2 belongs to that wacky Rumiko
Takahashi person, and whoever else owns the rights to it.
!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i
"Yaaaaaah!" Ranma awoke to being thrown head-first through a doorway.
"Stupid old man," he grumbled, dusting himself off.
Genma had taken it upon himself to teach his son another dangerous
technique-- The Otaku-ken. This one was taught by locking the student
in a room and showing him or her continuous amounts of bad
fan-material... say, fan-fiction. The end result, supposedly, was that
the student would break and gain the powers of an Author Avatar.
"It's for your own good, boy!" bellowed Genma.
"My own good, he says. Haven't you learned your lesson with the
Neko-ken?!" retorted Ranma.
"Well...This is different!"
Just then, the wall burst through, and a yell of "Bakusai Tenketsu"
could be heard. "Ranma! What're you doing in Beijing?" questioned the
confused and quite obviously lost Ryouga.
"This ain't Beijing, Ryouga, you're in the basement that Pops threw me
in," replied Ranma.
"What'd he do that for?" Ryouga asked, setting down his pack.
"Feh, some new technique. Forget about that now, let's get going!"
Ranma exclaimed, running to the wall that Ryouga had entered through.
Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for the storyline, they ran
right into Ukyou, who had stopped by to give Ranma a fresh plate of
Okonomiyaki. The result was that Ranma, Ryouga and Ukyou all fell
backwards, and Okonomiyaki hit Ryouga in the face. "Ucchan! What're you
doing here?" asked Ranma.
"I just came by 'cause I made you some okonomi... Hey, what was that?"
Ukyou pointed to the former hole that she entered through. A thick,
steel wall was now covering it.
"Damn, now how're we gonna get out?" Ranma sighed.
"Well, there's always the Bakusai Tenketsu," Ryouga suggested, removing
Okonomiyaki from his face.
"Of course," said Ukyou, "but why are we stuck down here, anyway?"
"Some new technique the old man wants me to learn... Otaku-ken or
somethin'," Ranma explained.
"Otaku-ken?" Ukyou blinked, scratching the back of her neck. "What the
Hell is that?!"
"Well, the old man says I'll have the powers of an Author Avatar,
whatever that is... I think he's lost it," explained Ranma, helpfully.
"You're telling me..." Ukyou sighed.
"Bad news," Ryouga said, "The Bakusai Tenketsu isn't working. He
must've done something to the walls. Looks like we're stuck."
"I'll kill him..." said Ukyou, darkly. Any other threatening comments
were cut off as a screen flashed to life and Genma's face could be
seen.
"Well, looks like you've got some company for this one, boy," Genma
said, ignoring the yelling and threats of severe bodily harm coming
from the three. "Today we're gonna show you three a story," Genma
explained, "about what could happen if otaku controlled your life.
Enjoy."
Lights flashed, signs blinked, people said things, and somewhere in the
USA, someone watched an episode of Blue's Clues.
Then Genma's image faded from the screen and was replaced with...
In Mind and Body
------------------------
Ranma: Hey... what's going on?
Ukyou: I've heard about this... I think it's called a "fanfic"...
Ryouga: A what?
Ukyou: Well, it's a story based on an existing story made by the fans.
Ranma: Oh... that doesn't sound too bad.
by Florencio B. de la Merced, Jr.
(fmerced@pworld.net.ph)
A fanfic inspired by the Anime Ranma 1/2
Ranma: Ranma 1/2? Someone made an Anime of us?
Ryouga: Looks like it. Shouldn't they pay us for that?
Ranma: Probably...
created and copyrighted by Rumiko
Takahashi
Ryouga: Takahashi... Takahashi... that name sounds so familiar, but I
can't place it...
A project for the Rec.Arts.Anime.Creative Archives
--------------------------------------------------->---------------
Prologue
-------------
[The dojo training hall exploded in a billow of >splintered wood and
saw
dust]
Ranma: Dam it! You didn't have to do that!
Ryoga: [breathing hard]
Ukyou: <as Ryouga, on the phone> What're you wearing?
Ranma! I'll get you for messing with me!
[Another hole erupted through a wall on the dojo]
Ryouga: Yeah! I'll destroy the Dojo, and then you'll be... you'll...
you'll, um...
Ranma: <I've got to stop him or he'll destroy everything.> KACHU
TENSHIN
AMAGURIKEN!!!
Ryoga: Ranma! Aaahhh! [slumps on the floor after >receiving a flurry of
punches]
Ryouga: I hate this author already...
Ranma: Well, at least he's showing what would really happen!
Ryouga: Right. Like I just destroy things for no reason?
Ranma: Yeah. Okay, maybe you don't....
Ranma: [breathing hard] Whew! [A mallet hits his head]
Ranma: Hey! Where'd that cliche come from? I don't remember ordering
one...
Oww!
Akane: Ranma! How dare you destroy the dojo!
Ukyou: Akane! How dare you blame Ranma for everything?!
Ryouga: Hey! Akane's stealing my dialogue... not that I mind.
Ranma: Akane could shoot you and you wouldn't mind, Ryouga...
Ryouga: Yeah, unlike you, I know how to treat a woman!
Ranma: Sure ya do.
[bops Ranma's head again]
Ranma: Oww! Akane! Oww! It wasn't me. Oww! Will you >stop it!
Ukyou: However, Akane did not stop and her mallet crushed Ranma's
skull, spilling brains all over the floor, which Ryouga slipped in and
broke his neck, killing him. Akane was promptly arrested and given the
chair, The End.
Ryouga & Ranma: Eww...
Ranma: Thanks, Ucchan. Now I've got this image in my head and it won't
go away...
Akane: [blinks] Ryouga? Ranma: Hai!
All: Hi, Ranma!
[gets bopped on the head again] Hey!
Akane: It's probably your fault anyway!
Ranma: <as Akane> Yeah! You were born! Everything's your fault! It's
your fault the Yen is worth so little! It's your fault that insane
Martial Artists attack you!! YOUR FAULT!!
Ukyou: ...
Ryouga: <mumbles> Well, it is...
[Ranma and Akane continue to fight even during the repairing of the
dojo]
[In the yard, standing over the pond]
Happousai: [pouring some sort of liquid on the >pond]
Now, this will have to
do. [throws away the bottle and pours a kettle of hot water] <Hot
water
activates the potion.>
Ryouga: <as Happosai> ...And cold water ends this story. I hope.
[throws away the kettle] Now >to get Cologne and then
Ranko. Sweeto!
Ranma: He's gonna be searching for a long time, then. There ain't no
Ranko.
Ukyou: PLEASE don't let this be a Cologne/Happosai lemon...
Ranma & Ryouga: Lemon?
Ukyou: It's like... a sex story.
Ranma & Ryouga: Oh.
<Long pause.>
All: <shudder violently>
[Inside the dojo]
Ryouga: Things happened, which affected people, which caused them to
react, causing consequences, which resulted in a resolution. The End.
Ranma: Will you stop that!
Ranma: <as Akane> Not until you start using question marks again,
Ranma!
Akane: And exactly what do you want me to stop?
Ryouga: Hitting him with a mallet?
Ranma: Cooking toxic waste?
Ukyou: Having phone sex with Toma?
Ranma: [looks at his hand that's been receiving >Akane's mallet
strikes]...
Ryouga: <monotone> Ha. Ha. I was right.
Akane: If you just stop moving your hand, I'll be >able to hammer that
board
properly!
Ranma: Another example of Akane's amazin' intelligence.
[strikes away and smashes Ranma's hand again]
Ranma: Oww! Why do you let me have that hammer!
Ryouga: No, it is the hammer for mine.
Akane: Oh, no! It's my hammer!
Ranma: Then, find someone else to hold the nail for >you!
Akane: Ryoga hands are already sore! Now hold still!
Ukyou: Ryouga hands, now on sale at Sears for $8.95!
Ranma: Now *you* can have the big, rough hands you've always wanted!
Ukyou: I'm not even going to ask...
Ryouga: Huh?
[In another side of the room]
Ryoga: I wonder how Ranma can stand Akane?
Ukyou: I dunno, do you?
Ryouga: I do?
Ranma: I think you might.
Ryouga: I coulda sworn I didn't.
Ukyou: Then why'd you ask?
Ryouga: <pauses> I don't know...
Nabiki: Yeah, it's so pitiful to even look at them >go at it
sometimes.
Ryoga: I'm happy that I've gotten over her. Though I still love her.
Ryouga: Wait, I have?
Ranma: How does that make sense?
Ukyou: Maybe he means a different kind of "over her." Like on top of
her?
Ryouga: I wish.
Ranma: This isn't a... a lemon, right?
Ryouga: I hope not.
Ukyou: I don't think we're that lucky.
Nabiki: Oh, by the way. How is Kounji-san?
Ryouga: <as himself> Well, she's developed this nasty flesh eating
virus, and I think I've got it, too. By the way, would you like to use
this syringe when I'm done with it?
Ukyou: Hey! What the Hell is going on?
Ryoga: [blinks] Damn it! That's right, I forgot all about our date
tonight.
<Ryouga and Ukyou glance at each other, glance at Ranma, then turn back
to the fanfic.>
[finishes nailing a board]
Ukyou: <giggles> Why Ryouga, I didn't know you had a wood fetish...
Nabiki: You have a date?
Ukyou: No.. we don't.
Ryoga: Hai.
All: Hi, Ryoga!
[start towards the doorway] Please excuse me to >the two of them.
Ryouga: For the going I must be and the thing is to go and doing this
is going and I am going to go to be gone.
Ranma: What?
Ryouga: I don't know.
[turns his back]
[At the other side of the room]
Ranma: Let me have that!
Akane: BAKA!
Ranma: Kawaiikune!
Ranma: Bakayarou!
Ryouga: Kuso!
Ukyou: Kutabare!
[the mallet hits him and he is sent flying across The
room and towards the outside]
Akane: Ranma no BAKA!
Ranma: "Ranma *no* BAKA"? I thought all this time she was sayin' I
*was* an idiot. And when did Akane start talkin' like Shampoo...?
Ukyou: <shrugs> I'm as clueless as you, Ranchan...
[Ranma slams into Ryoga and both of them land on >the pond outside]
Ryouga: *On* the pond? That sounds painful..
Ranma: Yeah. Like landing *in* the sidewalk.
Ranma: [scratches his head] Oww! That tomboy will >get it! [rises to
confronts Akane]
Ryoga: [rises up]
Ukyou: <as a Preacher> Rise up! Rise up, and say this sucks! Come on
now!
Ranma: <stands up> This sucks! Amen and halleluja, this sucks!
Ukyou: <Preacher> Glory! This sucks! Brother Ryouga, declare the
suckiness!
Ryouga: <stands up> Amen! This sucks!
Damn it! Ranma! I'll get you for this later. Now I better
change clothes before I meet Ucchan. [walks off]
Ranma: [steps into the dojo] Akane!
Akane: [blinks] What is it Ryoga?
Ryouga: [blinks] A lack of commas.
Ukyou: [blinks] You think they're trying to signal the mothership or
somethin'?
Ranma: [blinks] Could be...
Nabiki: [blinks] I thought you had a date with >Ucchan?
Ranma: I also thought that this wasn't gonna be so bad, but I guess *I*
was wrong.
Ukyou: Heyy... what happened to Kuonji-san?
Ranma: [blinks][looks around] What are you talking >about?
Ukyou: [blinks] The mothership should be here any second now...
Akane: [Walks out of the dojo and looks for Ranma] >Ranma? Come on out
and
let's finish this.
Ranma: Hey, I'm over here.
Akane: [a bit irritated] Don't be foolish Ryoga.
Ukyou: Yeah, be intelligent Ryouga. He's much more fun. Not like that
damn Jackass Ryouga. Now HE'S annoying...
Now where did that BAKA go
to now?
Ranma: Now she's saying I'm an idiot again! I wish she'd make up her
mind...
Ranma: Akane! Are you blind? I'm over here.
Nabiki: Are you all right Hibiki-san?
Ranma: No, he's Ryouga Hibiki.
Ukyou: Lame joke #1.
Ranma: [blinks] Hibiki-san? Nabiki I'm not Ryoga, >I'm Ranma.
Akane: Will you shut up Ryoga.
Ranma: <as Nabiki> Sure! <gunshot> Is that good? Or should I shut him
up some more? <machine gun fire>
Ryouga: HEY!!
Ranma: I'm just jokin', pig boy. Calm down.
Ryouga: <growls slightly>
If you don't hurry up you'll never get to the
Uutchan on time.
Ranma: What are you two talking about?
Ukyou: <growls>
Ranma: ..and what the hell is a Uutchan?
[Near the Uutchan]
Ukyou: <eye twitches>
Ukyou: [looks at her watch] Well, he's late again.
Ryoga: Ucchan!
Ukyou: [blinks] Huh? Ran-chan?
Ryoga: [hugs Ukyou] I was afraid you left already?
Ryouga: I was?
Ranma: You were?
Ryouga: I dunno, was I?
Ukyou: Were you?
Ryouga: I don't know...
Ukyou: Eh, Ran-chan. What are you doing here?
Ryouga: <as Ranma> Just come to mooch food and stare at you as always,
Ucchan.
Ranma: Hey! You *looking* for a fight?!
Ryouga: Oh, shut up! You know you do.
Ukyou: Hey! My Ranchan comes because he wants to be with me, okay?!
Ranma: Aheh... right, see?
Ryouga: Oh, sure...
Ryoga: [blinks] Ran-chan? Ucchan. It's me, Ryoga.
Ukyou: Ryoga? Ran-chan, what are you trying to pull >here?
Ryoga: I'm not Ranma. Why do you keep calling me >Ran-chan?
Ukyou: <Hmm...Ranma is up to something, but what?> >Um, I know you
probably
don't approve of me and Ryoga. But please leave us >alone Ranma.
Ukyou: Who CARES if the guy I love is hugging me and seems happy to see
me? I want Ryouga!
Ranma: I'm confused... so how long have you and Ryouga been... uh,
together, Ucchan?
Ukyou: We're not together! The author's making it up!
Ranma: ...
Ryoga: [a bit irritated] Ucchan, this is not funny anymore.
[Back at the Tendo dojo]
Akane: Ranma! Where the hell are you?
Ranma: What is wrong with you people? I said I'm >over here!
Akane: Listen, Ryoga if you don't stop >this...foolishness or
I'll...[brings
out her mallet and hits Ranma]
Ranma: Oww! You'll pay for that kawaiikune tomboy!
Ryouga: Yeah! She's $5.99 PLUS TAX!
Akane: [blinks] Ranma?
Ranma: [blinks] Yes! That's what I've been trying >to tell you!
Nabiki: If that's you, Ranma. Then what the hell >are you doing in
Ryoga's
body?
Ukyou: <as Ranma> Well, see... I was just expirementin' with
somethin'.. aheh... I was curious! And... well...
Ryouga: Iick...
Ranma: Ryoga's what?
All: SHE SAID "RYOGA'S BODY"!!
[runs inside the house to look in front of the >mirror]
[A huge scream
Ranma: No, it wasn't loud.. it was just BIG.
echoes throughout the dojo, and was quickly >followed by a
very similar scream near the okonomiyaki shop]
End of Prologue
�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�
The text faded out and Genma's image appeared on the screen once again,
as a Panda who was currently stuffing his face. The Panda signed,
"Damn! Spilled Sake in the controls... we're gonna have to wait until
they're repaired to finish.."
"Pops, what the Hell was that?" asked Ranma.
"Was there any point to that at all?" asked Ryouga.
"Do you wanna die?" asked Ukyou.
The panda onscreen whipped out a sign that said, "Boy! Did you learn
the Otaku-ken yet?"
"No, Pop," Ranma replied.
The Panda signed, "Well, don't worry. There's much more of this in
store." At everyone's groan, the screen flickered out and there was
silence.
!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�
Well, here's the first one revised. I'm currently working on revising
on all five current parts before I go on to six. Hope this's an
improvement.
=====
Regards,
Ms. Saotome
"I think if we put organ grinder monkeys named Gilligan's Island on the soybean plant, then the leopard will earn its wings and swim off to a magical world of mousepads, where Joe the Bartender gets his bra stolen by a woman named George who likes to smoke dead Rabbits. Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi! You're my only fish!" --A Friend
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