C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
[...]
Another disclaimer: This is a continuation of Chris Jones' "Curse of
Silence", which can be found at: http://www.furinkan.net/fanfic/ranma.html .
Is this story an official continuation? It is written with
Chris Jones' permission? Or is it completely unendorsed? I like
to see statements to this effect when reading stories based on
the works of other fanfic writers.
More odd bits:
"..." = vocal speech
'...' = signed speech
{...} = somebody's thinkin'
If you need to include a key, then your writing isn't clear
enough. The mode of communication should be obvious from the
context.
That having been said, [Words written on a board] is the standard.
C&C is most appreciated and even groveled for.
You *asked* for this! Just remember that all comments are given
with the best of intentions. (THAT doesn't bode well, huh...? ^_^)
[...]
"When You're a Stranger"
by Deb "SabreBabe" Matthews
You mean "SabreBabe" isn't your real name? [scratch head]
Akane rushed past Ranma and lightly bapped him on the head with her tablet.
He looked down at her as she bounced around him.
You've got a word-wrapping artifact on the second line;
it starts with a space.
'Hurry up! You're making us late! You have to get registered before
class!' Akane scribbled haphazardly before she ran on.
Okay. Big issue, here, which also bugged me with Chris' story.
Akane would simply not write sentences that long. The writing
tablet isn't that big, and writing longhand simply takes too much
time. As far as I know, there is no Kanji/Hiragana/Katakana
shorthand...
Unless she really needs to express herself, she'd use short,
clipped statements, rather than fully formed grammatical
sentences. Like, "Hurry, LATE!" and possibly "Get registered!"
If he's confused, she could add "For school."
Writing is not an auditory medium; you don't hear the words.
As such, it's easy to forget that Akane is not in fact
speaking, or that her words take much longer to get out than
anybody else's.
For the most part, the only distinguishing characteristic you
have for her 'speech pattern' is the use of single quotes,
instead of double quotes. Those are easily missed.
In order to make up for the lack of an auditory element, you
should really do something to differentiate Akane's words so
it's as apparent to us as it is to the other characters that
she doesn't communicate normally.
Short, clipped sentences are a simple way to do this.
[...]
"Well then son, you'll just have to pick some up when you get registered,
right?"
cap: Son
(In this case it's a proper noun.)
punc: then, Son.
(When addressing someone, set their name off with commas.)
[...]
'I don't want to be late for class! We have a lot of paperwork to get
through first.'
suggest: "Can't be late. Paperwork to do."
or: "Need paperwork."
[...]
'You're going to school because I don't want an uneducated idiot for a
fiancé,' she wrote. He looked down to say something and saw her gawking
back at him. She gestured her hand at the fence and up to him.
sp: fiance
(No funny marks over the e. As it is, I'm
seeing a box for the last letter, anyway.)
Again, a really long sentence to write out, especially if she's in
a rush. It's also not something that can be put into a few words.
Would she write anything at all? After all, she can explain it later.
There's no sense of awkwardness in this exchange at all,
which I think there would be, in the "real world."
"Uh, why am I walking on the fence?" he guessed at her question. Akane
nodded. "Oyaji says it's good balance practice. He doesn't want me
getting soft, so I gotta be doin' stuff like this all the time."
GENMA: Actually, he just likes being on top.
AKANE: ...
AMELIA: Hey, I like being on top, too!
ZELGADIS: ...
[...]
"Damn." Onna-Ranma looked at the little old lady watering down her
pavestones. Akane had a hand over her mouth in shock. "Well, so much for
getting to school on time today. I'm gonna go back home and take a bath."
suggest: Girl-Ranma
(What do you think Onna-Ranma means, anyway? :)
[...]
Akane shook her head and grabbed his arm, pulling him along with her.
You refer to Girl-type Ranma as "he" here.
'Dr. Toufu is a friend of the family. We can get hot water here any time
we need it. Wait here.' Onna-Ranma nodded, leaned against the wall and
waited for Akane to return with hot water.
sp: Toufuu
(If you're using the elongating 'u', be consistent about it.
All further spellings ignored.)
{What a way to start my first day of school. I don't even have any decent
school supplies. Not that Oyaji would ever cough up the money for them.
And how am I gonna explain this curse? Mebbe I should just go back...}
sp: Maybe
(Even with rough language, I can't see it spelled "mebbe.")
Is there any reason Ranma's badmouthing Genma? He didn't in
the original. And Genma got supplies for Ranma (a uniform at
least) when Ranma went to school with Ryoga.
"Pardon Me!"
cap: me
Onna-Ranma jumped straight up and landed on the top of the wall as the
skeletal hand touched his shoulder. {What the hell?? I never even heard
him comin' up behind me!}
Now Girl-type Ranma is a "she."
[...]
'It's called Sign Language. It's how deaf and mute people talk without
having to write all the time.'
cap: sign language
(As opposed to American Sign Language, which is a proper noun.)
[...]
"And that Dr. Toufu, he can read your hands when you do that? Wow, that's
pretty cool. I can see how that would be useful, being a doctor and all.
He's a martial artist, isn't he?"
suggest: And Dr. Toufuu, he
("That" Dr. Toufuu? As opposed to what other Dr. Toufuu?)
[...]
'He does that a lot. I think he does it to keep in practice. He's very
nice though. He used to patch up all my cuts and scrapes when I was little.'
punc: nice, though.
[...]
Akane made another quiet giggling noise. {Kami-sama! I wish all boys were
as nice as he is. I'll bet it's his curse that makes him not be a pervert.
And he is kinda handsome... Gah! Listen to me! Yuka and Sayuri would
have a fit if they knew I was thinking these thoughts about a boy!
SAYURI: You said you only liked girls!
YUKA: Does that mean you're dumping us?
SAYURI: Do we not satisfy you in bed anymore?
Word-wrapping artifact on the third line.
Does Akane really *want* anything out of boys?
suggest: Too bad not all boys are as nice as he is
[...]
{Wow,} Ranma thought. {I didn't know her laughter would sound so...strange.
But it's not really as freaky as I thought it'd be.} He thought about the
scar running across her neck and shivered. {I guess it's not so bad,
really. But when she smiles like that, she's really cute!}
I can deal with WAFF in small quantities, but this is starting
to overdo it. ^_^ I can't believe that Ranma would be vocalizing
this, even in his thoughts. You're rushing the relationship.
[...]
"What's the matter, Akane?" He looked ahead as he heard her teeth grind.
suggest: What's the matter?
(Avoid repeated Akane, below. It's obvious who he's addressing.)
Akane's eyes darkened with violent emotion as she slowed down to a forced
stiff-legged pace. "Akane? Hey, what's going on? Is there some kinda
problem I should know about? Can I help?"
Does this Ranma think of Akane as helpless? Why is he so quick to
offer help? Heck, if she's really pissed off, I could see her
taking offense at the implication that she can't take care of
herself. ^_^
[...]
"Hey Akane," he whispered, "let's keep close. I don't wanna get lost in
that mob and try to find the office without ya."
Hmm. Idiot Ranma who doesn't realize he could ask just about
anyone in the school where the office is, or super-smooth Ranma
trying to deflect Akane's anxiety?
[...]
{Ranma's a really good fighter, but I can't let him get involved in this
mess. He's right, though. We should just get straight to the office. We
don't have time for this this morning, and I don't want to have to try to
suggest: for this, this morning, and
explain it all to him now.} Ranma jumped a little as he felt her battle
aura flare to life, surprising him. {I've got to get through this quickly
and get him out of here.}
What does it mean for a battle aura to surpass a person? Did you
mean her battle aura surpassed his? But I don't remember him
exhibiting one...
"Akane, I have a bad feeling about this."
HAPPOSAI: Hmm, yes. Disturbance in the force, there is. [quick grope]
[...]
'There's a new rule here: No fighting. At all. Any fighting is grounds
for immediate suspension. I don't need that on my record. You can't
afford it either. You've already missed too much school as it is. Kuno
had his father pay off the principal for that one. It's all my fault,
really. Sorry.'
Kuno's father *is* the principal. And too much of a loon to care
about fighting on campus. ("Jus' as long a da kahuna are fighyin'
with da buzz cuts...")
Again, that's an awfully long paragraph
Akane put on the writing tablet.
Ranma, reading the tablet and not looking where he was going, plowed into a
door.
"Ite! Hey, Akane! Whadda you mean it's all your fault? I mean, it'd be
self-defense, right? It's not like those guys can't fight, can they?"
JEDITE, NEPHLITE, ZOICYTE, MALACHITE: Which "Ite" was he referring to?
suggest: "Ow!"
Delete the paragraph break between the above lines.
[...]
'I'll tell you about it during lunch. It's a loooong story. Let's just
get you registered for now, neh?'
sp: ne
suggest: 'kay?
or delete entirely. She's writing this, not saying it!
"Uh, okay. Sure." Ranma fidgeted as he waited for the huge pile of forms
he knew his old man 'neglected' to fill out.
Why didn't Genma fill them out? He did in the original.
[...]
"Your clothing, however, will have to change. You are required to wear a
uniform at this school." She paused as Ranma looked up at her and then
looked back down at what he was wearing. He cringed at the thought of
suddenly changing into a girl while wearing a boy's uniform.
UKYO: [challenging] What's wrong with a girl wearing a boy's uniform?!
"Well, I uh, kinda outgrew the last uniform I had, and Oyaji hasn't
bothered to buy me any new clothes since we went to China. It was kinda
like pullin' teeth even then just to get what I got to wear now." Ranma
blushed and put a hand behind his head, remembering how his father had
'procured' Ranma's last school uniform. {There's no way in hell I'm gonna
tell him I need uniforms! I ain't wearin' stolen clothes to school again!}
This is getting rather tiresome. Is there any particular reason
why you're making Genma out to be more of a jerk than he was
originally? I thought this was an alt fic where Akane's past
changed, not Genma's.
[...]
'You didn't fill in your mother's name and address.'
Ranma hesitated.
"I... I don't remember my mother. I don't even know her name." He
whispered. "I can barely remember her face."
Oh, brother. I can see where this is going. [rolls eyes]
It's all too easy to make Genma into the bad guy. :/
'I'm sorry. Did...' Akane doodled for a second. 'Did she die?'
"No. At least, I don't think so. I've been on the road training with
Oyaji since I was six years old. She might still be alive somewhere.
Oyaji doesn't talk about her."
This is really a story unto itself. Ranma doesn't think she's
alive somewhere; he never even considered that he had a mother!
That being said, there's no reason to get Nabiki involved,
Ranma should just ask Genma what's up.
When he avoids the answer, *then* they can get Nabiki. ^_^
Although Nabiki-the-problem-solver is a fanfic cliche, itself.
She's really more of a Nabiki-the-problem-causer. :j
[...]
Akane smacked him with the pile of papers and her tablet.
'Hentai! No, I'm going to sit here and finish filling out your paperwork
legibly so we can get to class before lunchtime! Your handwriting is
horrible!'
Guess I'll stop commenting on the gratuitous use of Japanese.
Although I'll ask how she's communicating with Ranma if she's
hit him with the tablet.
suggest: Akane smacked him with her table before using it
to write...
[...]
Akane's eyes got wide then scrunched nearly closed as she thought about it
for a bit. Ranma was nearly blinded by the lightbulb.
Huh? What lightbulb?
[...]
"I'd really appreciate that very much." Ranma bowed and waited for her to
return.
Ranma never speaks with that politeness level,
even (especially!) to authority figures.
[...]
"You might as well find out about this now. Akane, can you get..." Akane
waved him off as she made a beeline for the coffeepot on the other side of
the office. When she returned with a styrofoam cup of steaming hot water,
Ranma recited the tale (much abbreviated, of course) of how he got cursed.
Why didn't Ranma simply splash himself with cold water as an explanation?
[...]
Mrs. Fujihara blinked, blinked again, then put her hand to her chin and
blinked a third time. {This is odd, even for Nerima. But then again, this
is Nerima.}
Uh, that last bit was nonsensical. She already said it was odd *even
for* Nerima. She can't very well follow that statement with, "Well,
that's Nerima for you!"
Suggest you delete the last sentence. For grammar's sake,
at least delete the extraneous "But" before "then again."
[...]
"I'm a boy!" Ranma all but yelled.
suggest: "I'm a guy!"
(Would he really call himself an immature boy?)
[...]
"I got thrown into the 'Spring of Drowned Girl' and now
whenever I get hit with cold water, I turn into a girl. I hate it, and I'm
not a pervert!" he growled menacingly.
"I'm not accusing you of anything perverted young man.
Although, the way you denied it so quickly
suggests that you're hiding something..."
punc: anything perverted, young man.
or: anything, perverted young man. ;)
"Then
you will be enrolled as a boy and your curriculum will reflect as such. I
don't want to hear any reports of you trying to sneak into the girls'
locker room in your girl form, though. Are we clear on that?"
"Yes." {I can still sneak into the
girl's locker room in my boy form...}
[...]
"Very well. Akane-kun, I expect you to show Ranma-kun around and instruct
him on all the rules and regulations here at Furinkan. You will have to
share books until we can find some extra for Ranma-kun to use. Ranma-kun,
you will have to get a gym uniform as well, but I think you can get away
with using your everyday clothes today. The coach is rather generous with
talented students," She winked at him, knowing full well from his build
that he was most likely a martial artist, if not a gifted athlete.
There is absolutely no way to tell from
someone's build that they are a martial artist.
suggest: knowing full well from his build that
he was a most likely a gifted athlete.
[...]
'Ranma, you should at least get out your paper and pencils and pretend to
pay attention. You don't want to get detention! We can't spar after
school if you're here sitting in detention!
-Akane'
suggest: pay attention. We can't spar after
(Delete the repeated "detention".)
[...]
"Mr. Saotome! Is there something particularly interesting about Miss Tendo
that you'd like to share with the rest of the class? Or would you rather
just continue staring at her?" Ranma jumped up out of his seat, standing
ramrod straight.
:j
"Uh, No sir, I mean, we, uh, we gotta share our books, that's all! I don't
have any books yet..." Ranma sputtered out.
[...]
"Uh, Yessir! As soon as I can, sir."
Again, this is too polite for Ranma.
"Good. You may sit back down" {Poor kid must have gone to an all-boys'
school before coming to Furinkan. Has all the classic trauma signs...} The
teacher shook his head and went back to the problem on the board.
^_^;;;
[...]
Two girls sitting near Akane simply looked bug-eyed at Akane sharing her
books with Ranma. A Boy! This was definitely prime gossip material, and
cap: A boy!
[...]
"Nabiki, Nabiki, Nabiki. Whatever shall I do with that sister of yours?"
Tatewaki Kuno spoke quietly as Nabiki stepped up to speak with him.
suggest: "Nabiki Tendo. Whatever
(Why is Kuno speaking so familiarly and casually with Nabiki?)
[...]
"Of course. It's standard fare around here. You're gonna scare the poor
slob into wetting himself and make him beg for your forgiveness, then he'll
leave Akane alone and never associate with her again except to bring her
messages from you," Nabiki recited with a half yawn. "Really Kuno. It's
all been done before. And I don't think it'll really work at all this
time." She smiled enigmatically.
suggest: Although I don't think it'll work this time.
(Don't use "and" when the sentence goes against the
flow of the previous, rather than continuing it.)
[...]
"You are the most difficult bitch I've ever had to deal with."
I'll assume there's some reason why Kuno is speaking like
this, that you haven't addressed. Because it's utterly
out of character for him.
[...]
"And you will tell me what I want to know. Or..."
"Or what? You'll sic your dogs on me? You'll beat me into a pulp? You'll
scare me so bad I'll have nightmares for a week?
KUNO: I will DATE with you!
NABIKI: His-name's-Ranma-Saotome-he's-been-on-a-ten-year-martial-arts-
training-voyage-in-China-with-with-father-Genma-Saotome-who-engaged-
[...]
"Fine. His name is Ranma Saotome. His daddy and my daddy are old friends.
You could say they went to school together. They're staying at the Tendo
Dojo as our guests for the time being while Ranma continues his education."
With that, Nabiki turned and left the room.
Wrapping artifacts on the second and fourth lines.
[...]
{Hell, some of these problems even make sense!} Ranma started the next
problem with a little prodding from Akane.
RANMA: Wow, she's quite the aggressive minx! [blush]
[...]
Ranma found himself in the middle of hostile territory, for the most part.
He recognised a few of the faces from the crowd that harassed Akane at the
sp: recognized
[...]
"Yeah, just a simple, basic move. I was tryin' not to get thrown out for
fightin', like ya said," he mumbled through a mouthful of chicken stir-fry.
GENMA: Foolish boy! Just use the line I gave you!
martial arts *isn't* fighting! It's an art!
[...]
'Well, the short version is that Kuno is obsessed with me. When I got here
last year I wanted to join the Kendo Club...'
cap: Kendo club.
[...]
"You're better at Kempo, though. It's a better Martial Art and..."
cap: martial art
[...]
She stared him down as she erased her board once again and degenerated
into Sloppy Writing.
I'll assume the capitals were intentional here,
even though they're not normally appropriate.
[...]
'He challenged me all right. He went full out and tried to seriously hurt
me. I'm not sure why, but you'd think the president of the Kendo Club
How is going full out trying to seriously hurt her? They have a
*lot* of protective gear. Did he try some sort of illegal moves?
would have more restraint then that. He was crazy. I only won because I
just outlasted him in endurance.
Voop. There goes willing suspension of disbelief. While Akane might
have been able to beat Kuno, I can only see it due to an error on his
part, not skill on her part.
Particularly, Kuno's endurance is likely to dwarf Akane's. He has more
experience with the sort of strain that comes with Kendo fighting.
[...]
I
couldn't believe it! I mean, my daddy owns a dojo! I've been training and
practicing since I could walk! How could I not join a martial arts club?'
Akane's shoulders slumped.
suggest: my father owns a dojo.
[...]
'Kuno has always been pestering my family. He used to have a crush on
Kasumi, many years ago. He "got over it" when she graduated and stayed at
home to take care of us full-time. Then he had a crush on Nabiki, and that
lasted until I pulled that stupid stunt with the Kendo Club. Now he's just
been obsessing over me. He wants to "conquer" me or something stupid like
that. He even tried to grab me and carry me off to his house!'
cap: Kendo club.
The alt universe is drifting even further from the stated divergence,
I see. Akane is now deaf, Genma is now a bigger jerk, and Kuno is now
a complete asshole.
Is there any reason for this? You could have just as easily had the
school hate Akane for some other reason, and have Kuno *defending* Akane
as the noble samurai he perceives himself to be. He'd still be as
annoying -- Akane wouldn't want to be treated as an invalid, and there's
the matter of his (ahem) recompense... ^_^;
At least then his characterization would still be positive. It looks
like you're taking the characters that played comic relief in the
original and turning them negative.
Realistically, what Genma, and Kuno, and Happosai did were not pleasant,
but they drove the comedic tension. They served those roles well.
You're removing the comedic context and making them just jerks.
[...]
'I used to beat the crap out of him. That was a great deterrent until he
got his father to have the principal to put in a "No Fighting" rule at
school. OF course, it applies to everyone except Kuno. And the principal
cap: Of course,
gram: But the principal
(Don't use "and" when the sentence goes against the
flow of the previous, rather than continuing it.)
can't make the rule stick outside of the school grounds. So he used to
attack me on my way to school or to the bus stop. Nabiki put a stop to
that this year with a few protection orders and a new police route. Kuno
can't come near me, even at school since we're in different grades.'
You said the rules was to stop Akane from "beating the crap out of"
Kuno on school grounds; why can't she do it off school grounds?
[...]
'Kuno's lackeys. Since he can't harass me himself, he gets others to do it
for him. Most of those guys are in the Kendo Club. I guess I hurt their
cap: Kendo club
(I won't make any further corrections to this.)
[...]
"N-no, that ain't what I'm sayin'! I'm just sayin' that you don't gotta do
suggest: It's just that you don't gotta
(Avoid repeeated "sayin'")
[...]
'Be glad I don't fix lunch. I burned down a corner of the Home-Ec room
last week trying to make a cheese sandwich. I'm not a very good cook. But
I can boil water!' She smiled wanly.
Why does she write this? Akane's got a healthy amount
of pride, so why does she bring up her own failing?
[...]
"Uh, don't worry about it Akane. Bein' able to cook isn't no big deal.
Not with us Martial Artists anyways. Hell, we can eat anything!" He
pointed his chopsticks into the air for added emphasis. Akane looked at
him warily and then smiled. She waved her hand at him to behave and not
embarrass her.
punc: about it, Akane.
cap: marital artists
[...]
'No, we'd still need all the math for the bookkeeping and tax records and
stuff. Not to mention all the basics in biology and first-aid for all
injuries, the history to be able to pass on all the history of the Art and
of weapons and techniques, and then there's the Phys Ed. Degree needed from
college nowdays just to open up and run a respectable dojo, and the...'
Akane ran out of space on her tablet as Ranma read over her shoulder. He
rolled his eyes. He knew he wasn't going to get out of school any time
soon with all her crazy ideas for running a dojo.
sp: nowadays
You don't need a P.E. degree from a college to open a respectable
dojo. What you need is a good trainer. And a good trainer doesn't
come from a college, either, they are taught by a well-known and
respected master.
If your only claim is that you have a degree, you'd be laughed at.
"Who did you train under?" is what prospective students ask.
RANMA: [glancing at father] Er...
[...]
Akane nodded and grabbed bookbag and bento. She started walking swiftly to
the mob, a grim look of determination on her face. Ranma watched her walk
across the courtyard and frowned as she was slowly stalked by the enclosing
mass of perverts.
sp: book bag
(Two words.)
{Fuck this.} Ranma grabbed his bento and ran for Akane.
Language! ^o^
[...]
----
Let me state some of my bias now, so you'll know what comments
to ignore: I'm becoming disenchanted with WAFFy fics.
I have no doubt that people who like such stories will like this
piece; it's certanly good writing. Unfortunately for me, I felt
it came at the price of characterization.
Ranma is (for some reason I can't figure out) respectful, and
considerate of others. He's not acting awkward at all, despite
a socialization lacking long-term friends, or any real exposure
to girls.
Everybody's thoughts are completely linear and cogent. There are
no misunderstandings. What's up with that? That's not Ranma 1/2
or real life. People make mistakes and incorrect judgements, but
I'm not seeing any here.
I'm guessing because they get in the way of bringing Ranma and Akane
together as quickly as possible. It's the use of these "short cuts"
that turns me off to most WAFF.
For people who don't have a problem taking such routes to get Ranma
and Akane together, then this is a good fic. As for me, I find
it lacking a certain something. The relationship is too easy. The
characters feel like they've been classified as Good (Ranma, Akane,
Nabiki, Kasumi, Yuka, Sayuri) or Bad (Kuno, Genma, all the boys)
to make it easier to know who the "bad guys" are.
I seem to recall accusing you on the FFIRC that Real Life was too
boring to put into a story. And yet I find myself saying that this
story isn't real enough. ^_^
Anyway, keep on writing. It might not have suited my tastes, but
I'm sure many others liked it. Here's hoping they add their comments!
Good luck,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"