SabreBabe <sabrebabe@bresnanlink.net> wrote:
"..." = vocal speech
'...' = signed speech
{...} = somebody's thinkin'
Suggest you delete this legend and trust people to figure it out from
context. (Have you ever seen an actual published story that used a key
like this? I haven't.)
C&C is most appreciated and even groveled for.
And once again, a chance to point out that the best way to get more C&C
is to *give* more of it. :)
"School?! I ain't going to school! I don't even have supplies!" he
protested. Genma threw an empty schoolbag at Ranma.
"Well then son, you'll just have to pick some up when you get registered,
right?"
"Well, then,
Suggest moving the action of Genma throwing the schoolbag to the next
paragraph; it fits in more naturally along with Genma's dialog.
"We'll get there just fine, okay? I just don't really see why I gotta go
to school and all," he grumbled as they walked down the sidewalk. Akane
handed him her tablet just before he jumped up onto the fence.
'You're going to school because I don't want an uneducated idiot for a
fianc�,' she wrote. He looked down to say something and saw her gawking
back at him. She gestured her hand at the fence and up to him.
Similarly, IMO Akane handing him the tablet could go in this paragraph.
(And I suppose she expects to turn Ranma into an *educated* idiot. :)
"Uh, why am I walking on the fence?" he guessed at her question. Akane
nodded. "Oyaji says it's good balance practice. He doesn't want me
getting soft, so I gotta be doin' stuff like this all the time."
Akane started to gesture again slowly, but then she suddenly looked
frustrated and waved frantically at the writing board Ranma was still holding.
RANMA: Two words... sounds like....
'Well, I could always wear my gym shorts underneath,'
Period, not a comma, since it ends the sentence.
Ranma was fending off his bout of blushing. {Man, she is cute! I can't
believe Oyaji doesn't like her, just 'cause she ain't got a voice.} He
Neither can I. I mean, it didn't bother Genma in the least when he
thought Akane was a duck, and ducks can't talk either. (And what's wrong
with "Pop" or "Old man" rather than "Oyaji?" This story is supposed to
be in English.)
snuck a quick peek at Akane. {Yeah, she's pretty cute. And nice too. I
hope...}
A little description of Akane's looks, expression, etc. would help here.
We're told that she's cute but we can't really see it for ourselves.
"I'm sorry about that. I'm Dr. Toufu and this is Betty-chan, my skeleton.
I didn't mean to scare you. Are you waiting for someone?"
"Uh, uh, yeah, I'm here with..." Onna-Ranma started to say as Akane came
around the corner with a kettle.
"Oh, hello Akane. Is she a new friend of yours?"
hello, Akane.
Apart from establishing that Tofu knows sign language, this scene is
straight out of the manga. You might consider cutting it.
"Well, you two better get going then. It's been very nice meeting you
Ranma. I'd like to spend more time chatting with you, but Akane says
you, Ranma.
{Huh? Akane said...?} "Hey Akane! Wait up! What was that thing you just
"Hey, Akane!
Ranma smiled. "Yeah, I know what ya mean. Now I get to go to the doctor's
office when I turn into a girl. 'Hey doc? I've turned into a girl again.
'Hey, Doc?
Ya got any hot water?'"
Akane made another quiet giggling noise. {Kami-sama! I wish all boys were
as nice as he is. I'll bet it's his curse that makes him not be a pervert.
And he is kinda handsome... Gah! Listen to me! Yuka and Sayuri would
have a fit if they knew I was thinking these thoughts about a boy!
Still....} She smiled and gave Ranma a sidelong glance before they turned
the corner towards Furinkan High.
I'm kinda confused about this myself. Ranma's not really acting any
different than he did in the manga. Why so extreme a difference from
Akane?
"Hey Akane," he whispered, "let's keep close. I don't wanna get lost in
"Hey, Akane,"
"Because fighting ain't allowed here, pus-for-brains! Now let go of the
freak and go back to mommy before you get hurt!"
Mommy (caps)
Who said this? Just some random member of the crowd?
"Ite! Whadja do that for? I was tryin' to help you out y'know! And
out, y'know!" (And what's wrong with "ouch" or something like that?)
'There's a new rule here: No fighting. At all. Any fighting is grounds
for immediate suspension. I don't need that on my record. You can't
afford it either. You've already missed too much school as it is. Kuno
had his father pay off the principal for that one. It's all my fault,
really. Sorry.'
Um... you do know that in the manga, Kuno's father *is* the principal,
right?
'I don't think you're a freak. Just a poor baka that ended up with a
cursed panda for a father,' she smiled at him.
She's not smiling the line of dialog -- just smiling. And what's Genma's
curse got to do with anything?
"Is there something you two aren't telling me?" Mrs. Fujihara was one of
the nicest, most understanding people working at Furinkan High. She was
also one of the toughest. Not much escaped her notice. If anyone ever
asked who was in charge of Furinkan High, they would be pointed to the
principal's office. If anyone asked who actually ran the school, they
would be directed to Mrs. Fujihara. There wasn't a bit of red tape nor any
crisis she couldn't deal with.
Mrs. Fuji seems like a competent, helpful, and basically nice person.
What's she doing in the Ranmaverse? :) Seriously, it would help IMO if
she was at least given a few quirks of some sort. For Ranma and Akane to
have someone like this that they could depend on takes some of the good
conflict out of the series.
I mean, think about it. Tofu often failed to be helpful because of his
Kasumi weakness, and he disappeared a third of the way through the
manga. Cologne couldn't be fully trusted because Ranma never knew when
her ulterior motives would come into play. There's a reason for this,
namely to keep Ranma from being able to rely on these people's help too
strongly.
"I'm a boy!" Ranma all but yelled. He quickly composed himself and tried
to wipe some of the excess water off of his shirt. "I'm a boy." He quietly
reiterated. "I got thrown into the 'Spring of Drowned Girl' and now
boy," he (he's reiterating the line of dialog, not just
reiterating.)
"I'm not accusing you of anything perverted young man. I just need to know
perverted, young
how to register you for your classes. You can't just go running into the
boys' locker room if you're really a girl, you know. And what about your
extra-curricular classes, hmm? Some are boys-only and others are
girls-only." She let him soak in the information before continuing. Akane
RANMA: Aaaa! I've turned female again! That information must have been
cold!
"Very well. Akane-kun, I expect you to show Ranma-kun around and instruct
him on all the rules and regulations here at Furinkan. You will have to
share books until we can find some extra for Ranma-kun to use. Ranma-kun,
you will have to get a gym uniform as well, but I think you can get away
with using your everyday clothes today. The coach is rather generous with
talented students," She winked at him, knowing full well from his build
students."
"Well, you two should get off to your class now. I'll call you in if there
is anything else we need." Mrs. Fujihara finished.
need," Mrs. (she's finishing (with) the line of dialog, not just
finishing)
{Man, I've never had anyone look at me like that! I felt like a side of
beef! And what's with the guys in this class anyways? They looked like
they were gonna fry me on the spot!} Ranma mused on his new situation
while the teacher droned on for another forty-five minutes. His daydream
of last nights' pleasant conversation with Akane was interrupted when he
noticed that a note had materialized on his desk. It was in Akane's neat
handwriting.
'Ranma, you should at least get out your paper and pencils and pretend to
pay attention. You don't want to get detention! We can't spar after
school if you're here sitting in detention!
-Akane'
TEACHER: Akane! Did you just pass a note to Ranma? That's detention for
you!
AKANE: *fume*
"Uh, No sir, I mean, we, uh, we gotta share our books, that's all! I don't
"Uh, no, sir,
"Good. You may sit back down" {Poor kid must have gone to an all-boys'
down."
"Of course. It's standard fare around here. You're gonna scare the poor
slob into wetting himself and make him beg for your forgiveness, then he'll
leave Akane alone and never associate with her again except to bring her
messages from you," Nabiki recited with a half yawn. "Really Kuno. It's
"Really, Kuno.
"What do you want, then?"
"You know what I want, Kuno-baby. Make it real, and you'll get what you
deserve."
KUNO: This is not a lemon, Nabiki Tendo.
NABBY: We could do it offstage, so to speak.
Ten minutes later, Ranma was beginning to think that maybe math wasn't
quite as hard as he originally thought. Then again, he never had a pretty
girl sit quietly beside him and walk him through each problem, complete
with little diagrams and notes on how she got to each answer.
Gah. As an ex-student teacher, I can tell you that that's a terrible way
to teach someone math. She has to get him to think through it himself;
otherwise, he'll never be able to do it without her.
"OOooOOO! Lookit her! She's blushing!" Sayuri squealed. "It must be
something juicy! C'mon Akane! Spill!" Both girls leaned in closer as
C'mon, Akane!
"C'mon Akane, let's get some lunch." Akane nodded and they walked out of
"C'mon, Akane,
Hiroshi and Daisuke watched the entire scene with quiet, morbid
fascination. The new kid could hold his own, and he was talking to and
maybe even dating Akane Tendo. And he was even in their classroom. Which
meant that Kuno would be expecting a full report from them immediately, if
not sooner. That is, if they wanted to keep their girlfriends safe and
sound. They looked at each other and sighed.
Hiroshi and Daisuke with girlfriends? Wow, this IS an alternate
universe.
She stared him down as she erased her board once again and degenerated
into Sloppy Writing.
"Sloppy writing" isn't a proper name. Don't capitalize it.
"You mean this idiot has been stalking you? He sounds seriously deranged
Akane! Why hasn't anyone done anything about him?" Ranma forced himself
deranged, Akane!
"No, you don't gotta deal with them on yer own, Akane. I can help. Hell,
I'm supposed to be yer iinazuke, remember? I can't just sit around and let
What's wrong with "fiance?"
Akane blink-blinked a second, and allowed herself to calm down when his
words settled in. {Oh.} 'I'm sorry Ranma. I guess I misunderstood.'
RANMA: No, I'm Ranma. If anything, you're sorry Akane.
AKANE: (writes) Oh sure, Ranma. Make fun of me just because I forgot a
comma.
"That's okay, Akane," He nodded and fished around in his bento, glad he
Akane."
"Really? That's all my old man cooks, too! No wonder he wants me to marry
Kasumi..." {Kuso! I shouldn'ta said that!} Ranma swallowed what he had in
his mouth and looked sidelong at Akane. {Ohmanohman I gotta say something!}
'He really said that? Is he making your decision for you?' Akane wrote
stiffly.
"Well, it was more his opinion. He's always thinkin' of his stomach over
everything else. I guess it's kind of a no-brainer that he'd want Kasumi
for a daughter-in-law." Ranma hoped he'd said the right thing.
Then how come that's not what he wanted in the manga?
"Uh, don't worry about it Akane. Bein' able to cook isn't no big deal.
it, Akane.
Akane nodded, and started to get from her spot when she noticed the Hentai
Horde heading their way. She smacked her forehead and pulled on Ranma's
In this continuity, aren't they more like the Belligerent Bigot Brigade?
Or something like that? I mean, they're not after Akane to date her in
this, right?
{Fuck this.} Ranma grabbed his bento and ran for Akane. Reaching her just
as the circle closed in on her, he scooped her up into his arms as he did
arms as he had
"Oh, heh, sorry. C'mon Akane, let's go catch that bus."
C'mon, Akane,
Overall impressions: Technically, pretty good, with corrections as
noted. You might want to cut down on the number of (explicitly quoted
thoughts.) I don't know about you, but things like that generally seem
more natural when they're integrated into the main narration.
On the story, well... I've no doubt you've put a lot of thought into it,
and that you have reasons in mind for the changes in the characters. But
whether or not your changes are justified, you face the danger that they
might make the characters less interesting. In the manga, much of the
conflict arises because of Ranma and Akane's stubbornness, and so any
resolution of it is probably going to involve growth on both their
parts. In this story, the conflict caused by Kuno being a complete jerk
(rather than the likeable but deluded schmuck he is in the manga) has an
obvious resolution, namely Ranma and Akane beating up Kuno or otherwise
forcing him to leave them alone, and that's just not as interesting from
a characterization standpoint.
This is not meant to discourage you.... This story has some good
potential, but I hope we'll still see Ranma and Akane responsible for at
least some of their own problems, rather than just having to react to
troubles caused by other characters.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html