SkyeFire@aol.com wrote:

In a message dated 8/16/00 4:46:49 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
ronin_salsolo@hotmail.com writes:

  Before getting on with the C&C, I should mention I've been enjoying this
one.  The sharp momentary departures into Evanjellydonut-style humor are a
bit jarring, but I'm actually kind of liking them...so far.

    -Are you seriously putting ME up there with Andrew Huang? Eeep. That's a bit high, I think.. But I'm glad you like them. It. Whatev. I write like I am, which is why it goes from serious to funny and back in a heartbeat. That's how I live, I don't know anything else. I'm crazy hoho, not crazy haha, and definitly not crazy hehe. Crazy.

  As alt-unis go, this is pretty darn alt.  The author is definitely setting
himself up to have a LOT of explaining to do, and by the end of chapter 4 we
still haven't seen any.  But since these chapters have been pretty short so
far, I guess there's still hope...(:)

    -Oh, I'm afraid not.. there's never any hope. Not for me. See, I'm doing what Anno did: Give you all this crap that makes you think 'What in the world', then keep on going untill the last two episodes, and then I'll finally start to explain some of this crazy Shiznit. Then, we go on to the movies, Yeah! Woo!
    -Make a list, you'll need it, I assure you.  :D
    -Any and all questions about this fanfic can be asked after the fanfic ends. Which is, like, anytime really. Mail me, I'll tell you the facts as I see 'em, straight up. Other wise.. you may have to wait a year or three until I end this thing.

  Followed by dancing, a movie, and then a night of wild monkey sex -- oh,
wait, that's Garden of Eva.  Never mind.

    -I'm being compared to Lazar now. Must I say it? I must.
    -*JJ falls to his knees and bows repeatedly while squeeking off in a falsetto* I am not worthy, I am not worthy, I am not worthy!
    -Jim seems to be a nice guy, we've met twice -albet breifly- at both Fanime 2K and AX Fan-Fiction panels. There is no way I can beat his Shiznit. I think.

  Good survival reflexes.  Gotta feel sorry for poor Maya; all too often she
seems like the one whose presence no one ever notices...

    -Same should have been said for Rei, but hasn't. I like Maya, I really do. I like Ritsuko as well. So does Shinji.. err, my Shinji. Ready for a lover's quarrel, anyone?
    -Oh, wait, now I'm telling. Ooops.

  Bad Ritsuko!  You didn't even notice Maya talking to you.  No doughnut.

    -Ritsuko: "At least she let me keep the cigarettes..."

  A lovely rant cut short by the bell.

    -Actually... I ran out of rant, so I cut it short.

  They DO tend to do that, I've noticed.

    -Espically when unanswered.

  Yep, this is a government operation.

    -Gotta explain the UN funding somehow.

  "Oops.  Either she forgot her medication, or we're out of beer again.
Hopefully it's just the medication."

    -"..."

  "Us"???  Ritsuko and Misato are living together?  I'll supress my hentai
reflex, and simply point out that, if this is so, both of them must be
somewhat less emotionally damaged than they are in canon -- I just can't see
them being housemates otherwise.

    -Someone give this person the Manga, please. This isn't standard cannon, I assure you. This was based 1/3 on the Anime, 1/3 on the Manga, and 1/3 on something which Youtsura-san sold me for a dollar ninety eight. You're kinda right, I'm messing with them a bit. My story, I can do that.. right? right? No? Damn! And I was so close that time..

  For the record:  I LIKE this Shinji.  So far.

    -Just wait. Juuuuuust you wait. Muahahahaha haaa!

>          "Misato. We have jobs. We need to be at our jobs to save the
>  world. Not to mention earn money for your beer budget, right?"
>
>          "Of course! What els-"

  "What else do we earn money FOR?"

    -As Leonid, my prereader, said: "What else could be more important than my beer?!  Get back to work, Ritsuko! <whipcrack>"

  He's not going to be in school?

    -Not yet. You'll see why.

  Wait, wait, WAIT!  Misato as the prude, and Ritsuko as the, er, "liberated"
woman?  What is this, role reversal?

    -*JJ Says nothing, opting for a WickedGrin(tm) instead*
    -Not really a prude.. Shinji was raised by Ranma Saotome in this (It's not really a cross over, since no Ranma 1/2 characters actually show up, they're just mentioned. The idea of Genma showing up and pawning Shinji off on Seele for a few bucks dawned on me just now, but.. Nah..), and what does Ranma have an abundance of..? *JJ Is flogged by the readers* Hey! Oww! Watch it! Ok, ok, It's not exactly what you're thinking of! No multiple fiancees, I promise!

  I'm having NXE flashbacks, here.

    -NXE? Is that Neon Exodus Evangelion, by chance? I keep meaning to read that one of these days, but I can't find it.
</small plea for help>

  As did the reader.  Tee hee!  An older, more confident, and more assertive
Shinji rooming with a more prudish, more mature and stable Misato.  This is
going to be fun....

    -Like I said.. not exactly a prude.

  They kill people for puns like that, you know.

    -So kill me. If you're a beautiful woman, I won't mind.. Much. Watch for the fans, though.. they'll get you in the end. Muahahaha h- Wait, what fans?
    -*JJ high tails it*

  That should be "cell phone," I think.

    -I know it should. It's a really, really bad pun.

  This Shinji isn't intimidated by anybody, is he?

    -You're the second greatest martial artist on the planet, and second only beacuse the guy who trained you is Ranma. I wonder why :p.

  Wait a sec...that's a major loophole.

    -I know it is. :p

  "Hummed" shouldn't be capitcalized.

    -I'll fix it. Thanks. I do that.. all the time. And what exactly is capitcalized, anyway? :p

  Oh, GHOD!  That was priceless!
  More seriously, IIRC this Shinji grew up with Ranma Saotome for a foster
father.  It seems he just might have picked up a teeny streak of Happousi
along the way...

    -What's IIRC mean?
      -You can thank Leonid for THAT particular piece of insanity. I didn't even think of that, he did. I thought it was great, too.
    -And yes, he did train under Happi.. and enjoyed it. Think on that, it'll make everything a bit clearer.

  Not...gonna...touch...that one.

    -Oh? Damn. I was hoping you would.

  So this Rei is aware of her genetic background?  Very, very interesting.
And who is this she's talking too...?

    -She's the pilot of Unit-01, and the original Rei. Of course she knows she's Yui. As for who she's speaking too..

  There shouldn't be a dash in "stopped -turning" -- that should be a comma.

    -No? Ok, I'll change.

  Whoa...two Reis at once?  One seeming fairly normal, the other closer to
canon (but still more talkative and assertive, judging from her words to
Rei).  Now, the question is, are we looking at Rei II and III here?  Or Rei I
and II?  And why are they so different?

    -I and II, and I said as much in the first Stanza. The first Stanza also gives a bit of a hint why Rei I acts this way. Go read it at lcp.minos.net .
    -For those who don't want to go to the trouble of reading it (Aww... Shucks.), Rei I realises she's Yui, has realised this since the age of 6 or so. Kizuko (Which, for those of you who know Japanese, means something important. Failure.) is Rei II, a bit more Canonish than Rei I. And as to being more asertive, that's because she has had Rei I to interact with.

  Maybe "...peeled himself off the door..."
  And perhaps "The door opened a few inches before hitting something."

    -Hummn.. I like. Will change.

  Perfect exchange.  Except I don't think you need to call Misato "the older
woman" here -- she's the only one around.  Maybe "the captain," or "his new
housemate," or something.

    -I try, really I do.. I figure you may just be right, I'll look into it.

  Double period after Shinji.  Should be one, or maybe a "!"

    -You know, I wrote up the entire Spoken Dialogue Pause Symbolism Outline,  and I wonder if I kept it. If I did, I'll post it online, because it's something my english professor told in a lecture. The double period, or dubdot (..) is a way of showing a pause which is shorter than the indifinite pause of the triple period, or tridot (...).

  "...Were caught" just doesn't seem right, to me.  Should be a comma after
"caught" too.

    -Looking into it. Thanks.

  "...to the food within" also doesn't ring quite right for me.  Maybe just
chop that off?

    -Maybe. I'll give it a shot.

  Double period after "agreement" -- Should be a single, or perhaps a colon.
You could use a triple-period ellipsis, but I'm not sure how well that would
work.

    -Either my english prof. was pulling something out of his ass, or the dubdot (see above) isn't used much. I've used it since I've heard about it, so..

  Technically, that should be "There are," or "There're."  But after all that
time with Ranma, I can see Shinji picking up some less-than-perfect speech
habits.

    -Ranma wasn't good for his grammar.

  Feeling just a BIT claustrophobic, eh, Shin-kun?

    -Shinji: Oh, you get stuck in some box with a naked chick who wants to destroy your soul and see how YOU like the idea of getting in another one. Uh uh, not me.

  Either Shinji's being very flat-voiced here, or you need a "?"

    -I'll do a "Yes.." he said flatly, "What floor."

  The double period thing again.  I thought it was a typo, but it seems
deliberate.  Is this a punctuation convention I'm not familiar with?

    -Ok, That clenches it. I'm gonna find me that Dialogue thingie and post the damn thing at the end of this.

  Also, the description is a bit sparse (seems to be your style).  "Looked to
the inside corner" of what?  It's fairly obvious from context, but some
readers might find it jarring.

    -I fought with that damn description and I can't get it right. If you can do it, then send it to me and I'll add it. That was the best I could do.

  The double period again.  I'll quit harping on it, except to say that,
IMHO, you really should use something else.  But that's just me.

    -..Now, let's see.. I could stop using it, but I know what it means, and no one else has had a problem with it, so.. I'm just going to post the bloody dialogue pause system at the end of this, like I said I would.

  The 2nd sentence is kind of comma-heavy.  I'd replace the last comma with
"...railing and startling..."

    -I thought it was too, but forgot about changing it. Will fix.

  "...and unlock..." seems superfluous.  You might consider just chopping off
the second half of that sentence.
  The last sentence seems a bit ambiguous.  Might want to cut out the "him
pause" part and get straight to the action.  Otherwise, some readers less
discerning than myself (grin) might think that Ritsuko is the one hopping and
walking.

    -Righty-o.

  "he" shouldn't be capitalized, since the quote ended in a comma.

    -I do that. A lot. Shoulda seen it before but didn't. Ooops.

  Oh, yeah, this kid's been with Ranma too long.  I can't WAIT to see what he
does in his next Eva fight...

    -Well.. after the training.. and the gun thing. What am I talking about..? That'd spoil the fun. Wait for it.

  "you" shouldn't be capitalized...I think.  Also, while capitalizing "Asked"
is technically correct, it looks kind of awkward.  If it were me, I'd make
that "Misato asked..."  But again, that's just me.

    -See, now I'm thinking about switching Ludicrous Configuration! Productions' name to 'The Random Capitalization Gang'. Whadda ya Think? Nah...

  Heh heh heh.

    -Uh huh. I'd do the same, but I'm wayyy out of practice.

  "I need a beer" is a more conventional saying than "I need to sit down"?

    -For Misato, in that situation, yes.

  This Gendou is almost likeable...and THAT's scary.

    -What's so scary about that? Is it my fault no one's ever bothered to get past the 'Gendou is simply an asshole, 'nuff said' thing? I mean, yes, he is.. But.. I dunno. I like my Gendou.

  "ClunK"?
  And I'd make it "We're done."  "We are done" just seems awkward, to me.

    -Would you rather have a *Splorch*? To me, the S2 organ always looked hard. Thus, *Clunk*. I'll change the 'We're done' thing. I do like that better.

  So, this Gendou also pulled Rei (or Kizuko) out of a hot entry plug.  Or
did he run into something totally other?

    -Kizuko, yes. Almost all events remain the same, it's just a few things and the people I've changed.

  <facefault>  dammit, this fic was starting to seem
serious-with-a-leavening-of-silly, and then you drop in this chunk of
Evanjellydonut-class wackiness.  It's like biting into a oatmeal cookie and
finding a chocolate chip.

    -Are you complaining, or not? I can't tell..

  Funny, though.  Hey, Kouzo!  I can recommend a good shampoo...

    -Kozo: "As long as it isn't that damn Clarol Herbal Essences stuff.. Last time I tried that, these three muscle men in black leather hot pants broke into my bathroom, singing something about showering.." he shuddered, "Never again.."

  Ah, Kaji.  Kaji, Kaji, Kaji.  What role will *you* play in this alt, I
wonder...?

    -Something different, I assure you.

  My ghod, Gendou cracked a joke.  Almost.  One of the Seven Seals just
cracked...

    -"..." JJ looked around, then up. "Umn.. Sorry? I didn't mean to, I swear!" Ominous thunder rumbled, and JJ began to wonder if moving to Tahiti wasn't such a bad idea after all...

  Damn straight!  We Yanks are *honest* crooks -- we *stay* bought.
Professional ethics, don'tcha know.

    -Err.. yes.

  I dunno, that last exchange seemed a bit out of place, or at least too pat.

    -Humnn... It stays, though. Because it's important for a later chapter.. I think.

  "It's a plane...no!  It's Superm -- oh, wait, it's just a winged Eva.
Never mind."

    -Again with the "..." I find it funny, but lack a proper responce.

  "She whispered to her" seems awkward.  Maybe "...leaned towards Misato and
lowered her voice.  "Nice save..."?

    -I think I like it. Will change.

  "jus" should be either "just" or "jus'..." depending on how you're trying
to protray Misato's speech pattern.

    -You're right. Missed one. Ooops, my bad. Fix, fix..

  And now you've got me wanting more back-story on Pen-Pen.  This seems like
a darker version of Misato's description from the manga -- now I'm going to
have to go back and re-read it.

    -:p I'll even explain what that damned backpack is for, ok? Awww.. I'm such a nice guy.

>          By her side, Pen-Pen gave an indignant squawk and waddled back
>  into his fridge.

  What's he got to be indignant about?  Wasn't his fault.

    -If someone just labeled what you view a personal hell as an off hand joke, you'd feel pretty indignant too. I would.

  Saotome School of Anthing-Goes Eavesdropping!

    -*Nods* Damn Straight.

  "You know, your daughter, the cute girl I've got the hots for?  I'm looking
forward to collecting the traditional knight-in-shining-armor post-rescue
reward.  Once she feels up to it, of course."

    -I'm going to use that, you realize.. just not in the way you intended.

  If you don't want to capitalize "super," you might want to put on a leading
ellipsis.  I'm not sure how technically correct it is, but I've often seen it
done.

    -You mean like "..super hearing, or something.."? easily done.

  Disgruntled?  Why?  Maybe I missed something in the earlier chapters?

    -Uh huh. Go read them. You missed a lot. lcp.minos.net .

  Just how close ARE they in appearance?  And age?

    -Identical in appearance, one year (Or possibly two, I haven't quite decided yet) offset in age.

  Cue Akane Tendou/Saotome and her mallet....<grin>

    -That's Saotome, but this isn't completely Ranma. Misato doesn't (yet) know of the Hyper-Dimentional Mallet technique.

  Oh, this is PERFECT!  Your Misato/Shinji interactions are the humor high
points of this chapter.

    -*JJ Whistles innocently* Not my intention.. really.. I swear.

  Misato's beating up Shinji?  Geez, add that to her legendary cooking
skills, and you gotta wonder if she's not related to Akane Tendo somehow...

    -Sorry, but no. I was concidering the Idea of having her related to Nabiki, but decided against it. Too... complicated.

--
David McMillan, Imagineer at Large.
Chief Systems Analyst and Integration Engineer, Exotic Technologies Division,
KUKA GmbH.  Mecha and Weapons Design Specialist.

    -Did I pick up your guys' brochure at AX, by chance? I have it here somewhere.. *Rummage, rummage*

"Agent Mulder?  My name is Neo.  I believe I may be able to show you part of
the truth you've been searching for.  I should warn you, however -- it's not
what you think."
--

    -Ok, here it is, the 'Spoken Diologue Pause Symbolism Outline' that I pulled from a lecture in my creative writing class. Miashara's already seen this.

- comma (,) = the space between breaths. Lasts anywhere between half a second to 1.5 seconds.
- Double dot (..) = The kind of pause nessasarry to make a rude guesture, or quickly think of something else to say. Lasts about 2 to 3 seconds.
-Triple dot (...) = By itself, a responce of complete and utter silence. This happens when someone just stops talking in the middle of a sentance, only to start again, usually on a different topic. Can last anywhere between 4 seconds to half an hour, depending. (The record tridot silence spell is held by Ikari Gendou, who sat for ten hours without the slightest murmer during a Committee meeting. Keele was not pleased.)

    -If this is wrong, let me know, but I've had this and been following it for a good year now. Thanks for the wonderful C&C! I do so enjoy it, as I don't get much. Just here lately I've recieved some very high quality C&C. Thanks to you all.

    -That's it for me, shutting up now. Later days.

-JJ Corley
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