Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE THIRTY TWO: Icky Idiot Is Back
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where
the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are seen sitting
inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
MAMIYA: (Huffily.) It's about time!!
MIKAGE: (Sniffs.) Really, we were starting to think that you
forgot all about us. (He suddenly smiles widely and his teeth glitter
as he flicks his hair back.) But how could that possibly be true?
We're are bishonen, after all.
MAMIYA: (Smirks also.) Bishonen and beautiful.
RANDOM DEEP VOICE: Ohhhhhh, yeah.
MIKAGE: (Looks around and blinks.) Who was that?
MAMIYA: (Sounds perplexed. Looks around also.) I have no
idea. But they had a sexy voice, huh, Mikage-kun?
MIKAGE: (Turns on his sexy voice.) Why, they certainly did,
Mamiya-chan. Their voice was so sexy that it makes me want to...
(There's a long pause of silence while Mikage looks at Mamiya
with a burning gaze that oozes sensuality. Finally, Mamiya squeals
in delight and pounces on Mikage and they go falling back onto the
elevator floor. Sounds of clothes being removed and moans are
heard.)
MAMIYA: (Triumphant voice.) It's good to be back!
MIKAGE: (Sexy deep voice.) Ohhhhhh, yeah.
SCENE: An ominous hidden room inside of the French Le
Ramada Inn. Several shadowy figures sit around a long ass table
looking very ominous like their hidden room. In the far corner of
the room a huge pile of toaster ovens can be seen. Why they're
sitting there is anyone's guess.
FIGURE #7: (Friendly drawl.) So is everyone having fun?
FIGURE #6: (Excited.) I got blasted last night! Blasted and
groped!
FIGURE #3: (Dry tones.) The sure signs of brilliance.
FIGURE #6: (Puzzled.) Huh?
FIGURE #2: (Hesitantly.) Uhm... aren't we missing a member of
our panel? Or group? Or organization? I mean, whatever we're
supposed to be anyway.
FIGURE #1: (Thoughtful.) You're right. Where could they be? It's
not like them to miss a meeting.
FIGURE #3: (Scoffs.) Probably crying somewhere.
FIGURE #1: (Ponders.) Hmm. You might be right. (They shrug
and the sounds of papers being rustled is heard.) It doesn't matter,
we still have business to conduct.
FIGURE #6: (Whines.) Business? Awww... but I have a date! A
date that involves more groping!
FIGURE #3: (Sighs.) I would insult them but it's too easy.
FIGURE #7: (Laughs suavely.) Thank the lord for small favors, eh,
everyone? So... what's our business fearless leader? And I don't
mean the Rocky and Bullwinkle kind.
FIGURE #1: (Silent for a long moment. Sounds a bit exasperated.)
Our meeting is about something that could cause all that we have
planned to go crashing down. It's about an inhuman force that can't
be contained by mere mortals. It's about looking into the depths of
hell itself and wetting your brand new silk panties.
FIGURE #3: (Dry tones.) Sounds pleasant.
FIGURE #1: (Laughs sarcastically.) Oh, ha ha. See how you
amuse me? You amuse me so. (Rolls their eyes before continuing.)
Anyway, this meeting is about the containment of the living disaster
herself. This meeting is about---
(A pause of silence so immense that it just cannot be explained
how big it and the drama gained from it really is now takes place
and envelopes the room.)
FIGURE #1: (Over dramatically.) MINAKO!
(Another less dramatic pause of silence takes place.)
FIGURE #7: (Blinks.) Sailor Venus? She's the terror?
FIGURE #6: (Blinks also.) The living disaster?
FIGURE #3: (Dry tones.) Oh quick... save me from her heart
shaped chain. Quick, quick, before she ties me up. (They switch to
perverted tones.) Uhmmm... on second thought, don't save me.
FIGURE #1: (Scowls.) You might joke but she's a living
catastrophe. She destroys everything she goes near and still
manages to look cute while doing so.
FIGURE #2: (Raises hand.) I thought that was Mihoshi?
FIGURE #1: (Erupts.) Whatever! I don't care! Minako is a pain in
the ass and we have to stop her from causing any sort of trouble at
the convention! Got it?!
ALL FIGURES: (Monotone voices.) We got it.
FIGURE #1: (Heaves a huge sigh.) Good. Now, does anyone
have any ideas about how to keep Minako busy? We need a really
inane job for her to do. One that won't ever be possibly completed
and will keep her occupied for the entire length of the convention.
FIGURE #6: (Helpful tones.) Underwear replacement girl?
FIGURE #7: (Sheepish.) Uh... trash girl? She has to pick up trash
with tiny toothpicks?
FIGURE #2: (Shyly.) She could be a waitress. People seem to be
eating a lot of jello lately.
FIGURE #1: (Groans loudly.) Lame. Those ideas are pathetic!
(Looks at Figure #3.) What about you?
FIGURE #3: (Evil chuckle.) I say we assign Minako the job of
making sure every ballroom has enough chairs for everyone to sit
in. But... we don't buy any new chairs.
(A somewhat longer silence than the last one occurs.)
FIGURE #1: (Jumps to their feet.) Brilliant! It's utterly brilliant!
There's no way she can do that! She'll be running all over the place
trying to keep up!
FIGURE #3: (Evil chuckle again.) I know. It's enough to drive a
person... (Thunder crashes.) Insane!!!
(Everyone stares at Figure #3 as they laugh madly.)
FIGURE #2: (Murmurs to herself.) I still don't understand why
we're not watching Mihoshi. She's a bigger problem.
FIGURE #1: (Erupts.) I heard that!
FIGURE #2: (Ducks and quavers.) Sorry!
SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Kiryuu Touga is looking very,
very, very, very, and one more very, ragged. The Sunlit Garden no
longer plays faintly in the background.
TOUGA: (Leaning against a staff.) I feel like Ryoga or Tamahome
or some other Anime male who is far more inferior than myself.
(Coughs.) That wretched girl... she somehow managed to beat me,
the great Kiryuu Touga, and Miss Kitty Fantastico remains in her
grasp. If only I hadn't fallen prey to her dread orgasmo spell.
(Coughs weakly again.) This is truly a dark day indeed. For it is the
day that Kiryuu Touga has lost all faith in...
(Touga trails off and freezes in his tracks as he stops in his walk
outside of the French Le Ramada Inn.)
TOUGA: (Reads the sign.) AniLesboCon2000? (A huge grin
spreads across his face.) Kiryuu's back, baby! Every confused
lesbian in there rejoice, because Kiryuu's back!
SCENE: The Dueling Arena stairs. Tenjou Utena is rapidly falling
down them. As she does so, loud and disturbing bells ring out in
the background. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
UTENA: (Still falling down the stairs. Shivers as a chill goes down
her spine. Wails.) Noooooo! I didn't like the feel of that!
Something icky is going to happen! I'm sure of it! It's icky, icky,
icky... uhm... wait, should I say icky? Is that even in character for
me? (Wails.) Oh who cares?! I'm not even me in this fic anyway
and I feel icky now! ICKY!!!
SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely
and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko,
B-ko, and C-ko are seen. For some reason A-ko is standing in
front of a chalkboard and B-ko and C-ko sit at desks. The Sunlit
Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
A-KO: (Stands in front chalkboard.) So as you can clearly see, we
Shadow Play Girls reproduce via cloning!
B-KO: (Frowns.) You're saying that we're all clones?
A-KO: (Nods and whacks the board with her pointer.) Yes! It
makes sense considering our alphabetical names and our people
being the only ones alive who appear solely in the shadows. We
get this through our genetics, which are all identical thanks to the
cloning process.
B-KO: (Suspicious.) If that's true then why is C-ko so much
stupider than the rest of us?
C-KO: (Chimes in.) Yeah! Why am I---hey!!
B-KO: (Snickers.) Dumbass.
A-KO: (Whacks the board again.) Simple. She's a scab.
B-KO: (Considers this. Shrugs.) Works for me.
C-KO: (Whines.) Why am I always the stupid one?!
B-KO: (Sarcastic.) Because your brain is the smallest?
C-KO: (Thinks on this.) Well.. that makes sense I guess.
B-KO: (Snickers again.) Bigger dumbass.
A-KO: (Whacks the board. Orders.) B-ko! Stop making fun of
C-ko because she's a dumbass!
B-KO: (Slow tones.) Uhm... A-ko?
A-KO: (Whacks the board.) Yes?
B-KO: (Leans forward.) Why are you whacking that board so
damn much? It's sort of freaky.
A-KO: (Whacks the board and stares at her hand. Quickly pulls it
back and laughs nervously.) Sorry. It's addictive.
B-KO: (Mutters.) Nun syndrome.
C-KO: (Whines and wails.) Why am I the dumbass?!
(As C-ko continues to lament her dumbass position amongst the
millions of cloned Shadow Play Girls the scene fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when
extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm
extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In
other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will
AniLesboCon 2000 still be going on?! Can Minako be kept busy
the entire time?! Is it possible for Touga to convert all of the lesbian
convention goers?! And is Utena going to keep falling down the
neverending flight of stairs?! Stay tuned!
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/prs/index.html
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/utena/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
"This is how you use a gun!"
-Zelgadis; The Slayers-
NANAMI: (Sighs.) And she returns to the Slayers.
MAZE: (Curious.) She likes that series then?
NANAMI: (Nods.) Either that or it's the only series she can
remember funny or somewhat funny quotes from.
MAZE: (Sheepish.) This quote is funny?
NANAMI: (Looks from Maze to the quote.) Uh...
MAZE: (Looks at the quote too.) Hm...
NANAMI & MAZE: (Dim tones.) Yeah.
Juri Rules All.
Haruka and Michiru
are not, not, not
not, not, not, not
kissing cousins!
Naga goes boing.