Standard internet quotes have been retroactively added
to Dave's comments so you can easily tell who wrote what,
instead of going blind trying to watch the indents.
(Dave didn't notice, 'cause he's already gone
blind, for reasons I'm not supposed to discuss. ;)
MUAAAAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Tremble, foolish fanfickers, before the twisted
might of another MacDougall-Roeder C&C exchange. Admission fee
non-refundable, of course.
Like anyone would actually *pay* to read this stuff...
Possible lime warning... meaning there might be situations suggested
of sexual acts in this C&C.
What sort of sick monster would write a lime C&C?!
[shakes head sadly] What is this world coming to...?
[...]
While the events portrayed in this story are original,
they present,
for the [second] time in a fan fiction, the true, untold
background
stories of Ranma 1/2, as described by Rukimo Tashahaki
herself in an
exclusive interview!
Hmmm, a plea to be canonized? ^_-
Hey, Rukimo herself gave me the A-OK!
[...]
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "A NEW panty thief?"
"How terrible!" Kasumi noted, sipping some tea.
Nabiki: How does life become terrible just by adding one additional
panty thief, Oneechan?
Kasumi: Why, demand for new wear will exceed the supply! The cost
of lingerie will skyrocket!
Nabiki: ERK!
Kasumi: Why, panties will start going for several thousand yen!
"Skyrocket" to several thousand yen?
Um... How much do you think they go for now? ^_^;
KASUMI: Normally I get from for 100 yen from
Grandfather Happosai. Why do you ask?
[...]
Happosai straightened out his clothes and sat down
cross-legged on
the mat (with a few pillows added for extra height).
"Indeed. As I was
making my daily patrol last night,
Intentional juxtaposition of conflicting adjective versus noun;
daily:night? I have no problem with it, but you've niggled me about
that sort of thing a few times. ^_-
Daily just means once a day (not necessarily during the day).
Nightly would imply it only happens at night. And Happi likes
to keep his prowling times open. ;)
I noticed the fiend
"Fiend" is such a great word...
KUNO: Verily.
[...]
nodded Happosai solemnly. "So without
a moment's
hesitation (that is, after I... um... collected my strength)..."
He doesn't even pause, does he? ^_^
Happosai is, above all else, a man of action. ^O^
[...]
"While I was uncon-- (er) in my meditative state, the
thief had
started to tie me up. I don't know why. Everyone seems
to want to tie
me up. Why is that? Do they think I'm into bondage? I
mean, just
because I'm a virile old man--"
Soun and Genma pull out a one-thousand page dissertation,
enumerating the various benefits of a bound Happousai...
Kodachi: May I see that?
Ranma: [bigsweats]
AKANE: Sure thing! [hands over book]
RANMA: What are you DOING?!
AKANE: As long as it's not on the
merits of *you* being bound...
KODACHI: [sighing] There's nothing like an older,
*experienced* man. And one so virile, even at his
age... [licks lips] But how can I forget my darling
Ranma? I'm torn! Whoever shall I choose?
[...]
"As I'm sure you all know, close combat is a specialty of the
Happosai School of Anything Goes Martial Arts. No one
alive can stop
these babies!" Happosai wiggled his wrinkled fingers. Ranma
unconsciously scratched his chest.
LOL!!!
RANMA: [frowning] Hey, what's so funny?
"I went into Mr. Bondage with righteous fury, quickly
driving him
back.
Suggest: "I tore into Mr. Bondage... ('Went', in this instance, has
interesting connotations that I don't think are likely to be
accurate. ^_^)
True, true. After all, this isn't a Roeder fic. ;)
[...]
"Aaaah! Get OFF!!"
HAPPI: Well, if you insist...
[omit scenes of attempted... well, you get the picture. And if you
didn't, get right up to the monitor screen... Yeah, see those
pixels? No? Closer, then. Closer... *POW!*]
Hmmm. Happosai's shoelaces must've gotten caught in Ranma's
shirt ties when he tried to get off her. [nods to self]
[...]
"What?" Soun's jaw dropped open. "But Akane..."
"But, Akane..."
I'm pretty sure there shouldn't be a comma there. Well,
for grammar, anyway. Aesthetically, commas enliven any
sentence!
[...]
"But Akane, what if the pervert comes after you? You
know how you
attract this sort of thing..." He tried to ignore
Akane's sub-vocalized
growl.
LOL!
The horror of a single father trying to raise three young,
beautiful girls. In Nerima. When Happosai lives in the
same house. ^_^;;;
This isn't My Three Sons...
[...]
"I'LL protect you bab-- erk." Nabiki's upraised foot
implanted into
Happosai's descending face.
She's goooood.
NABIKI: For violating our non-disclosure agreement, I'm
penalizing you 300,000 yen. And you no longer have
visitation rights to girl Ranma.
[...]
Soun was still upset. "Akane, are you sure you won't
stay here?"
"No way!"
"But I can't just leave your daughters alone, Akane..."
Did you mean 'sisters' instead of 'daughters'? Not sure who's
speaking here, but I assume it's Soun.
Akane's secret is out of the bag...
[...]
Soun was ecstatic, "An angry mob! That's a wonderful idea,
Saotome!"
HAHAHAHA!!! Well, so much for a rational response to the crisis. ^_^
Rational? What comic book have *you* been reading? :j
[...]
"Mother's bedroom things. No wonder Father misses her so much."
*sigh* "Someday, I can share these with MY husband!"
Kasumi wanders off into gingham-and-check housewife dreams of a
perfect life. Let's peak in on her thoughts...
<"DOWN, boy!" *CRACK!* "DOWN, I SAY!!!" /cue best Inoue Kikuko
dominatrix laugh...>
Who? You mean Willow Johnson? ;)
BELLDANDY: Hee hee hee! No? [clears throat] Ha ha ha!
Still not right? Maybe if you explained what a
"dominatrix" is...?
KEIICHI: ...
Uh, let's not and say we did...
Oh, yeah. This is Doug's fic... Where were we?
Well I don't know where *you* are...
[...]
Ranma was stared down by ALL the
women in the
group. "Nevermind."
"Never mind."
This was intended to be spoken quickly.
[...]
The party consisted of about twenty people. Everyone
in the Tendo household
(except Happosai, who was left tied up), Ukyo, Miss
Hinomiya,
Ninomiya,
Uh, yeah. That's what I said. You must have... heard me wrong.
[littlesweat]
[...]
Kuno, Hiroshi and Daisuke
had tagged along when they saw the huge group of cute
girls, but were
upset when they all "wrapped up" and wore shirts and
pants instead of
more feminine clothing.
Oh, I can't leave this one alone.
Daisuke: So much for the Kawaii Brigade.
HIROSHI: Bridge on River Kawaii? I don't get it.
DAISUKE: [whistling]
Hiroshi: Yeah, man. This sucks.
Kunou: Verily, thou hast the full measure of mine unfulfilled
expectations this 'eve.
Hi & Dai: ... That actually made sense.
*BOP! BOP!*
Kunou: [Laying his bokken against his shoulder] Philistines...
So after Hiroshi mentions sucking, Kuno bops the two
of them? And here I thought you didn't like YAOI! ;)
[...]
"Delinquent." Miss Hinomiya
Miss Ninomiya (although I would suggest going through and changing
all of them to Miss Hinako.)
I'll consider that for future edits.
[...]
Genma bigsweated. "Look!" He pointed into the
darkness. "The
pervert!"
Nodoka: [Stepping out of the darkness.] So... My secret is out.
Ranma: MOMMA?!?!?!
*SPLASH!* *GLOMP!*
RANMA: Ohgawd! My mother is Happosai?!
HAPPI: [discarding bucket of hot water] Tragic story of
when I fell in the Spring of Drowned Girl fifty years
ago. Of course it makes it much easier to peep in
women's baths.
GENMA: Right. Time to commit seppuku.
To think that I... that we... [disembowel]
HAPPI: Oh, alas, my husband has killed himself!
Whatever shall I do? [splashes self with
cold water.]
Nodoka: RANMA-CHAN!!!
Don't ask... Just don't ask... ^_-
Do you see me asking? ^_^;
[...]
The two bolted off, leaving the rest of the party
confused. Ukyo
was berating herself for falling for one of Genma's
stupid tricks, and
everyone else was wondering whom Ranma and Akane were
talking about.
The only 'him' the girls could see were two schoolboys
and the hapless
Mr. Tendo...
Where are the Amazons in all this?
Cologne is following Shampoo at a leisurely
pace, while Mousse is hot on Shampoo's tail.
MOUSSE: Please, Shampoo, you must stop this! [glom]
GIRL: Only Darling can grab me there! [zakk zakk zakk]
[...]
Ryoga shuddered. "How could you let this happen, Ranma?!"
"Huh?"
"This new underwear thief might try to steal Ak-
Akane's... p- p-"
"P-Chan?" Ranma supplied.
"Shut up!"
HAHAHAHA!!! Nice one, Doug.
Glad you liked. ^_^
[...]
"What's going on, teacher?" asked Akane.
You know, not to throw mud in your eye, ahem, but I found it mildly
jarring that she didn't say: "What's going on, Sensei?". ^_-
Well, that's because you have a dysfunction in the language
centers of your brain, preventing you from using English for
more than a few paragraphs without inserting Japanese. ;p
[...]
"Don't be disgusting, Saotome! I'M not the pervert here."
Miss Hinako exclaimed, looking pointedly at Akane.
"WHAT?!" Akane shouted. "I'M not the pervert; RANMA IS!!"
"Oh, really, Tendou-kun? I read your entire record the other day."
"EEP!"
"Drilling a hole between the bathrooms in 5th grade.
AKANE: The hole was already there. I used the drill to
clear the eyeball that was... blocking the air flow.
Staging fake
fire drills in the boy's gym while they were changing in 6th grade."
AKANE: I got an 'A' on my science project demonstrating
that high-school boys are too stupid to learn from
past experiences. Even with the extreme negative
feedback...
Ranma's jaw was dragging the ground by this point. "Shall I go on,
Tendou-kun? How about last year, the principal's daughter, and why
the middle school was so happy to see you go, hmmm?
AKANE: It was a school of delinquents, and the principal's
daughter was *running* the place! Of course they wanted
me to leave. How tough could they look to other schools
when I beat them all up every morning? And I gave her
plenty of warning not to point that shinai at me...
My, Tendou-kun,
you have a broad palette of tastes. Saotome-kun should fit you to a
tee."
RANMA: Actually, I tend to stretch her tee-shirts...
[...]
"ARGH!!" Ranma looked up to see a resident blinking as he leaned out
of his window with a washtub in hand.
"Sumimasen! Just washing the dog!" The resident leaned back, out of
sight.
RANMA: Not Sumimasen. Saotome. My name's pronounced Sao-to-me.
"Oh, yuck!" Ranma said, then stared at Akane, who was staring at her
with a weird light in her eyes. "Uh..."
AKANE: [voice reverb] There is no Akane... Only Shiiko...
*ZOOM!*
Before anyone could react, Akane had tossed Ranma-chan over her
shoulder and was now headed for parts better left unsaid.
Hinako-sensei giggled, and Soun, having woken up in time to catch
the grilling his youngest daughter had undergone, said, "Finally!
Something, errr, someone to keep Akane occupied and out of trouble!
We'll have the wedding tomorrow."
"Speaking of getting into trouble, Tendou-sama..." Hinako stalked
over to wear, er, where Soun was sitting on the ground.
"EEP!"
(Ya know, there's a fic in there just crying to be written. ^_^)
Well, I'll agree that it's crying, anyway. :j
[...]
Just then Nabiki and Kasumi peered came
Make a choice: 'peered' or, ahem, 'came'.
Has anyone told you that you have a dirty mind, Mr. Roeder?
[...]
"Fortunately father protected us from the drain,"
supplied Kasumi.
Kasumi supplied.
I'll stick with object-verb-subject rather than
object-subject-verb. "Kasumi supplied" would
be more appropriate at the beginning of the sentence.
[...]
"Oh, no!" said Akane.
"Oh dear..." said Nabiki.
"Oh, my!" said Kasumi.
You need to switch around your 'said's and persons speaking. It
reads like a children's story structured this way.
Normally I'd agree that sentence structure variation is
a Good Thing, but as this is supposed to be a direct parallel
between what the three sisters are saying, rearranging the
speaker/quotes would destroy that construction.
[...]
"They're sitting ducks!" realized Ranma. He ran out
to the sidewalk
and found all of the girls with their houses opened
HAPPI: YESSIREE!!! It's the semi-annual (that is, whenever it
happens) Nerima Open Bosoms... I mean, Nerima Open House! Come one
perv, come all... in a manner of speaking.
TENDO: Wouldn't that be demi-annual?
GENMA: Demi-cup Annual, perhaps...
corr: their blouses opened
Um... [sweat] It's a... euphemism! Yeah, that's it!
Haven't you ever heard of girl's "house" before? [nervous
laugh]
[...]
what his green-eyed finacee was expecting him to
do. "Y- You
want me to touch their--"
Does Akane have green eyes?! I thought they were brown.
They're black, obviously! Just ask Gary!
I'm worried that you're familiar with such technical
terminology as "frottage," but have never seen the
term "green-eyed." ^_^;;;
[...]
Ryoga ran to help her, but the thief leapt up and
hopped off of the
teacher's head and onto the rooftops. Hinako crumpled,
but Ryoga caught
her before he she landed against the hard pavement.
HINAKO: [blinking awake] Ryouga-san?
RYOUGA: Uh... yeah?!
HINAKO: WO AI NI!!!
HINAKO: ...NOMIYA. Yuu Hibiki.
RYOUGA: URK!!!
Aye, the dreaded Amazonian Falling Dagger syndrome, declaring a mate
when kept from landing on the ground... hard.
KODACHI: That is a *Japanese* tradition, dating back to the
noble families of the Edo period... Isn't that right,
Ranma, darling? [coo snuggle]
The thief, in addition to knocking her out somehow,
had completely
unbuttoned her one-piece. He hadn't found anything, though. Miss
Hinako's little-girl form hardly needed to wear a bra.
Then again, as
Ryoga looked down, he realized this big-girl body most
certainly did.
Soon his entire body was beet-red from a full-body blush.
Poor Ryouga. He's get to see more cleavage than any single pervert
in the city.
AKANE: How could you forget Ranma?
[...]
the other girls should be alright.
all right.
Nonstandard though it may be, "alright" is a correct spelling.
[...]
Just as he had the thought, however, a shout from the side
distracted him. "I must save Shampoo!"
Yup!
He meant from you.
A barrage of
chains, knives,
and training potties shot through the air. Several of
them wrapped
around the thief, but more importantly, iron claws pulled
the bag off
his back. Lingerie and chest-bindings rained from the
sky to the ground
below.
HAPPI: ~o/ "I'm siiiiiinging in the rain..." /o~
TV-ANNOUNCER: And so began the terrible reign of Happosai...
[...]
Mousse landed next to the now-fallen thief and
grabbed him. "What
have you done to my--" The thief kicked his leg over his head and
solidly hit Mousse's jaw. The robed boy traced a perfect
parabolic arc
as he fell to the ground, whimpering, "--Shampoo?"
Girls are typically more limber that way. Nice bit of detail.
You know, that style of kick doesn't really have so
much to do with limberness, as much as creating a
leg/panty shot for viewers... ^_^
If I wanted to show female limberness, I'd have her
hyperextend her elbow. ;)
[...]
She quickly went into a back stance. Her left arm
and leg were
forward, her right leg below her and right hand held to
her chest, she
only presented her side as a target to the thief.
her chest, and she only presented...
Ick. I'll rework those sentences.
They're so amateur martial artist. ^_^
[...]
Were her pressure points being hit?! That didn't make sense,
though. The areas being hit were mostly fatty tissue...
After a moment
she realized the thief was poking her almost exclusively
in the chest
and rear. Her battle aura soared with her coiled right
hand, performed
a full uppercut on the thief, who was solidly knocked back.
"PERVERT!"
HAHAHA!!! Akane's a demon if you just know how to bring it out of
her. ^_^
GUIDE: Is tragic story of demon girl,
what was drowned there last week.
AKANE: What are you talking about?
That's the Akanenichuan.
GUIDE: Uh... ^_^;;;
[...]
A loud clack announced the arrival of Cologne,
landing perched atop
her walking stick. "Stay back, Son-in-Law. This one is
too powerful
for you."
Ah, Here Comes Granny! Cologne knows how to make the perfect
entrance.
She's been waiting in the alley for almost fifteen minutes,
waiting for the best time to make her appearance. [nod nod]
[...]
Dropping the pig on his head,
LOL!
RYOGA: You like pig abuse, or something? [crack knuckles]
[...]
Yes, Girl-type Ranma was skipping down the street
wearing a lacy
black bra, with the ties of her shirt undone.
Very nice original-flavor Ranma stunt. Cheers!
OROCHI: And I thought she only did that for me. [pout]
Akane
failed to suppress
the jealousy she felt at the contrast of the black
brassiere against
Ranma's pure, milky-white skin, or how certain parts of
her fiance's
anatomy jiggled as she hopped around.
DFR: WAAAH!!! I'm so PROUD of you, Doug!! You have SEEN THE
LIGHT!!! RANMA-CHAN... *FOREVER*!!!!!!
No no, I have *since* seen the light. Remember, this was
written two years ago, before I developed more discriminating
tastes. ;)
[...]
"And this bra is soOOOoo tight! She started fiddling
with the catch
in the back, arching backwards and giving everyone a better view.
O_O Damn! I wanna see!! WAAAH!!!
Gee, it's too bad you can't make your own illustration.
Good thing I can. :D
[...]
She hugged Ranma about the waist and started bawling.
"Airen, you
forgive Shampoo, yes?" Then she started rubbing her
cheek into Ranma's
chest, still crying.
O_O Damn! There are times when I simply despise the written word...
;p
Well fine, be that way... [sniffle]
[...]
"Aaaaahhh!" Ranma freaked at the weird sensations
LOL!!!
Hmm, yes, where have I seen stuff like this before? :j
(Maybe I can get Dave for plagiarism? Copyright
infringement? It's a clear case of prior art! ^_^)
[...]
Cologne finally spoke up. "I had hoped this day
would never come.
I worked so hard to prevent it, but it seems it is
impossible to escape
fate."
Cherry: That's what *I* always say!
You say that as if they're two different people...
But have you ever seen Cologne and Cherry together?
Hmmm...
[...]
Soun walked forward. "What's going on here?" He
rubbed at the
bruises and scratches all over his body. Miss Hinako
stood by his side
and tended him.
But, of course. ^_^
There's a natural proclivity to want to tend a Tendo.
"What's wrong with Shampoo?" He pointed
at the scene
between Akane, Shampoo, and Ranma. Akane had gotten
Shampoo off of
Ranma, but now she was rubbing her head in Akane's lap.
Akane yelled at
Ranma to do something, but she was too busy trying to
stop a bloody
nose.
Ranma: But... But, AKANE!! You'll just pound me if I do what I
hafta to get her off on-- UHHH, off of you!
AKANE: What are you TALKING about?
You can just hit her shiatsu sleep spot!
NABIKI: Say, why doesn't he do that?
KASUMI: Wouldn't that also let him get out of the so-called
"Amazon Glomp" without making a scene? He only needs to
tap the back of their neck...
NABIKI: Maybe he really *does* like being grabbed like that...
RANMA: [sweating bigtime]
[...]
P-Chan put a
reassuring hoof
trotter
Hmmm. "Trotter: a horse that trots, or a foot (especially
that of a pig or sheep, prepared as food)." I think I'll
stick with hoof. ^_^
RYOGA: Maybe you should have a closer look at these knuckles
before you try to soften them up in your cook pot! [punch
hit hit hit punch hurt]
[...]
"The story begins over eighty years ago..." The
girls (and two
boys) formed a circle around the centenarian. Only
Hiroshi and Daisuke
paid attention to Akane, Ranma, and Shampoo.
^_^
HIROSHI: It's a living sculpture.
DAISUKE: I shall call it, "Three Writhing Babes!"
[...]
So he settled for being picked up by Sayuri, who
scratched behind
the ears. "Look, it's Akane's pet piggie. He's so
CUTE!" He stretched
and bwee'd contentedly.
Oh, piglet, thy name is fickle!
ASUZA: His name is *Charlotte*!
Looking at Sayuri and the poor dumb bird, Yuka
decided she wanted a
pet, too. She picked the duck up and sat next to Sayuri,
listening to
Cologne's story. Mu-Mu Chan decided that he liked his "nest" and
blissfully rubbed his head against Yuka's chest as she
stroked his neck.
This story is just crawling with perverts, isn't it? In a way, it
makes Shampoo less of a "villain" and more of just an extreme case.
^_^ Happi, too, for that matter.
"Pervert" is such a judgmental term...
This series can be considered my take on the "Secrets" genre of
stories that was rather popular a few years ago. Originally, I
had a story planned for each character, but some (Soun, Ryoga)
were rather boring, so I decided to use only those characters
that had the same (um) theme... ^_^;
[...]
Akane strained at the Amazon, "Get OFF!"
Shampoo: Is what TRYING TO DO, but AKANE NOT HELP!!!
[smacks head] Okay, who didn't see that one coming...
Akane: ARGH!!! That's NOT what I MEANT!!
Shampoo: But is what Shampoo meant, right?
Akane: Well, yeah, but-- QUIT CHANGING THE FOCUS OF THIS
ARGUMENT!!!!
Shampoo: Tee-hee!
Ranma-chan: Tee-hee! ... Uh, why did I just do that?
AKANE: You're not Ranma, you're Dave Roeder!
[pulls off mask]
UNMASKED_RANMA: ...
AKANE: Wait, you're not Dave...
SHAMPOO: Augh! Is stupid Mousse! Ew!
[...]
"Damn." Shampoo had crawled out from under Akane.
O_O
AKANE: We have a containment leak!
RANMA: Oh gawd, it's another China Syndrome!
[...]
"Yeah!" chimed in Ukyo. "My Ranchan's not going to marry a
pervert!"
"Yes," confirmed Akane, staring meaningfully at the
crossdresser.
Touche.
Does Ranma know any girls who're not perverted? I guess
we'll have to wait for the Kodachi/Ukyo/Nabiki chapter to
find out!
RANMA: Something about the way you phrased that has me
thinking I'm out of luck.
NABIKI: Or in luck, as the case my be... [smirk]
[...]
"Why, Ranma is the only one who can satisfy Shampoo's
perverted
nature without really being perverted. No one can blame
Shampoo for
grabbing her husband's breasts, or making a collection of
his panties
and bras, right? This way, we don't have to worry about
her terrorizing
innocent girls."
"..."
"..."
Oops! The fly in the ointment.
Akane: Well... that sorta makes sense...
Ukyou: Yeah... I guess...
Soun and Genma just gape.
UKYO: Tell you what, I'll give you Tsubasa and Konatsu,
in exchange for Ranma. Even trade. You'll get twice the
lingerie! [hopeful grin]
[...]
"Akane!" A lone red-head struggled against multiple groping,
pulling attackers.
I'll remind you later, in future chapters of this fic, that Ranma is
a redhead. ^_^
What, are you blind? (Wait, I guess I already addressed
that in the opening. ^_^) Ranma has black hair. Girl-type
Ranma, on the other hand...
I've removed references to specific hair colors. After all,
this series isn't based off the anime, but what Tashahaki
herself described to me! (Sweeto!)
And depending on her mood, girl-type Ranma's hair is black,
brown, blue, green, red, pink, yellow... All references to
specific hair colors have been removed.
[...]
The same stupid laws that made her marry a STRONG
man, to get bring
STRONG genes into the village. The laws that made her a
mother of six.
A grandmother of 45. A great-grandmother of 311. And all of them
beautiful young women with STRONG genes...
Heh.
Very good. A fun story, Doug. Chapter 2 to be flayed, ERRR, C&C'ed
at a later date. ;p
I'm glad you liked it. Somehow I had this feeling it might
just appeal to you. :j Looking forward to your future
comments.
(And story of yours where Ranma finally comes to terms with
his masculinity. ;)
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"