Leifker presents...
Reflections
A Please Save My Earth work of anime fanfiction by Nicholas Leifker
PSME created by Saki Hiwatari. All rights reserved. These aren't my
characters; I don't pretend they are. However, I do ask that you not do
anything with any part of this work without my permission.
A guy doing PSME... who'da thunk?
*****
I dreamed a dream.
It was only once, after a stressful moment in my life. I dreamed of
watching the Earth from space, watching the currents and winds like a
building-up symphony. Shion's arms covered me, holding me tight, keeping
me safe from the imagined cold outside. The end approached for us - we
both knew it - but we held on to that brilliant, agonizing moment,
enjoying it while we could.
I dreamed a single, solitary dream - and I haven't had one since. Not
one. It's maddening; if I'd had no dream, I would not have these
doubts, but if I'd had more, I would know for certain. Instead, I'm
left with a tantalizing, painful moment, and equally painful doubts.
Am I really this 'Mokuren' they speak of? If my life didn't have so many
questions on its own, I'd call it some fluke dream. I mean... I never
really thought it strange that I could understand what the plants were
feeling. And the animals... I never could understand why they were so
attracted to me. I'm not normal, I know it, and this dream is the only
thing that's brought me answers.
But I don't know if I want these answers. It makes sense, but in an
absolutely senseless way. I never asked to be like this; I never asked
for these strange powers. All I ever wanted was to be a normal girl;
having this answer in front of me makes that forever impossible. Let the
doubts die away from me; let this soul within me rest.
But they won't rest. It's not just questions and doubts; it's a calling,
a tug at my heart. I've been given both the question and the answer; the
trick is in finding how they're related. This is all pointing
somewhere... but I don't want to know which direction it's pointed.
The mirror's reflection is there, if I look to that direction, I find
myself - the real me - staring back. Problem is, where would that take
me? To Rin? Jinpachi? Or to Shion, wherever he hides? What will become
of us... when I know he's near, when we're all brought together?
Who will I be then?
***
Have you ever noticed how adults tend to forget their childhood? It's as
though once they reach adulthood, it's okay to forget the struggle that
got them to that point. The struggles of adjusting to an ill-fitting
world are forgotten; they forget the child they once were, and ignore the
fact that other children still go through that pain. They may say they
treat children kindly, but they fail to realize that nature treats us most
cruelly.
I'm seven years old. I'm an adult in a child's body, and I hate every
minute of it.
Mokuren is here. She lives next door; I can hear her voice from behind
the walls. Here is a woman I held, made love to, *loved*... and I'm a
silly, stupid kid. She can't see me, see the man I am inside... to her,
I'm just Rin, some child with a crush on her, and that fact crushes me.
She gives me love... but it is the love of a mother to a child. Every hug
hurts; each kiss makes me wish for what I can't have.
Damn Shokaido. I lived through nine years of hell on that base; nine
years! All that kepy me going was her face, her soft, princess,
beyond-saintly face. Now she's alive again; WE are alive again. But I
can't touch her. We're in different worlds still; still I roam the
nights, screeching her name, and she doesn't hear.
She looks toward others, ignoring the one she loved long ago. I can see
it; she likes that Jinpachi guy, even if he's a little boisterous.
Then... then there's Shokaido himself. I saw the way she looked at him...
shock. Pure shock. She fell for him from the first moment - him, wearing
a facsimilie of my face. Sarjalim must have been in a cruel mood when she
came up with that...
All I can do is try, really. I play my games; I twirl my baton, and steal
kisses like every other child, but in the end it's not enough. All I can
do is hope for a miracle, hope that Sarjalim's mercy is as great as her
irony.
For time has flowed by - and I am left behind.
***
Did you ever do something you could never be forgiven for?
I did. It seemed innocuous at the time; I was dying, and I was stupid.
Let one person die... and let another live, so that we could go on without
him. It was a small sin, so I thought, a sin that would keep someone
dangerous away, locked in a cage.
The beast has been let loose from his cage now, and I have to find a way
to tame him.
He's not without hope, Shion is. There's still a chance for him to come
back. Maybe, with the right people, he can put what happened behind him.
And maybe, that quest will cost me my life.
You know, I never really had the chance to live in this life. My heart
was too weak, injured by a teleport; two years of my life was spent in
bed, remembering a life gone by. I never got a chance to go out and see
this world, this place we were assigned to watch from a distance... and
now see up close. I don't think I will, now.
This is my penance; my road to salvation lies with my greatest enemy.
I don't know how to play this, to be honest; I've never been that good
with problems like this. I play along with his games; if I am the target,
nobody else gets hurt. I look for an opening, something to give me
hope... and only in his darkest moments does he give it to me. He's
crying inside, and somehow his tears have to be dried.
That is my quest. The sins of my old self have come to the new; I must
make this wrong I've done right. I will probably not live to see it
happen; that doesn't matter, as long as it's done.
***
I love him.
Sarjalim help me, I love him. I can feel his chuckles when he laughs, and
the soft, dark cloud that covers him when he gets depressed. I know his
every dream - including the ones we've shared, the dance we knew back
then. We are bonded; his eyes may be elsewhere, but his heart is always
with me. I know him as well as I know myself.
I love him, but I don't know if I can.
Do you know what it's like to be so close to the one you love? To talk
with him every day, to hear his dreams and passions, feel his chuckles and
tears, to taste every moment of his life - but never, ever share in him?
I dream, more often than I care to admit. When my eyes are open, I'm
Issei - at least, in body. By night, I'm Enju, a woman with perhaps a
little too much dreaming of her own. I feel what she feels; I yearn for
what she wants - for what we're not supposed to have.
Do you know how good that kiss tasted? How... how *complete* that
forbidden moment made me feel? For an instant, nothing mattered; he was
Gyokuran and I was Enju, and that was all that we needed to know. The
moment ended too soon; he broke away with questions, and I was forced to
lie.
He must know; he has to know. I was never that good at lying, and my eyes
must have broadcast the truth to him. I don't know what he thinks of me
now; all I know is that I may have gone too far.
But I don't have a choice anymore. I wanted this once; I couldn't have
him as a woman, so I sought him as a friend. But... I want him. I
*really* want him. I want to share my life with him - and relish as he
shares his life, all his life, with me.
What's going to happen to me? It's all happening again, jsut like before,
and there's nothing I can do about it. I... I want to taste his lips
again, feel his arms wrap close around me... but I guess I'll never know
that again.
***
Where did it all go wrong?
It all seemed so innocent, once. I dreamed of a life with six others on
the moon - a dream that was far more than that. My friend also dreamed of
that life - in him was a woman I had once called friend, and occasionally
more. We were two dreamers, seeing an ideal life that held far more than
the world we knew.
Reality, unfortunately, interfered. We met Mokuren; her magic still
thrives, even if she can't see it. Hiiragi and Shusuran came soon after,
largely unchanged from who they were.
Were we greedy to hope for all seven? Nobody expected Shokaido to come in
the child's body. He's no kid, that much is certain; no child would carry
himself like that. Something isn't right with him; the Shokaido I
knew wouldn't have hurt Mokuren with that promise-of-marriage stuff. I
can see the panic in her eyes; she's trapped, held captive by her own
guilt. She's so scared now that she doesn't want anything to do with
us.
Then... Issei. No way was that a joke. I'm willing to take Issei at his
word for the moment; however, he's feeling her inside. I think we're all
feeling our old selves pulling at us, but with Enju... it's a special
case. I don't know what direction we're going to go... but, in any case,
someone's going to get hurt.
Finally, Shion. He's definitely not what he seems; I've never known Shion
to be that expressive. Of course, he's got problems to pile on everyone
else's; he's hiding something, and I bet it has something to do with the
kid.
We're a mess, now. Alice is afraid of her own shadow - literally. Shion
and Shokaido have their own agendas, and we're not considered. And
Issei... the very thought scares me more than anything. Is he... is
she...
We are who we were - and the very idea is destroying us. We are departed
ghosts, too strong to die, but too strong to live.
***
Hey, all.
Sometimes some things pull you to write; finding PSME on DVD was one of
them. ^_^
Nicholas Leifker
nightelf@thekeep.org
http://www.thekeep.org/~nightelf/fanfic
July 26, 2000