Subject: [FFML] [MST][Ranma] The Somewhat-Delayed Episode #5
From: "Ms. Saotome" <m66lj@yahoo.com>
Date: 8/9/2000, 4:14 AM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Standard Disclaimer Stuff: These characters aren't mine. If you think
they're mine, you must have something wrong with you. I'd need therapy
if I thought they were mine. So there.

 My heartfelt thanks go to THE Ucchan, and, as always, Megane 6.7.


inb qurg yje.. On with the fic!

!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�

   In the Kitchen of the Tendo household, two men spoke. 
 
 "So, Tendo," one said, "What news do you have?"

  The aforementioned Tendo took a sip of his tea, and responded. "The
Master is on his way back, and he... has a surprise, he said." Soun
held up a postcard. "Looks to be from China."

  "China, hmm... That at least gives us some time. I, for one, am not
going to follow that pervert again," Genma replied.

   "Well said, Saotome. Now shouldn't you be getting back to your son
and our little project?"

  "I'm going," Genma stated, as he got stood up.



 In the basement, Ryouga paced. "We've got to get out of here. I'm not
readinapter of... that again."

 Ukyou nodded. "So what do you have planned?"

 "Well, I was thinking, we could break that door down if we all tried,
couldn't we?" Ryoga suggested.

  "We already tried that," Ranma pointed out, from his hiding spot in
the tubing running across the ceiling. "He'll just get a new one, or it
won't work at all. Won't work."

  "You got any better ideas, Ranma?" Ryouga growled.

  "Not really, but then neither do you," Ranma retorted.
  
  "Both of you shut up for a second. I'm trying to think." There was a
long pause, and then... "Aha! I think I've got it! But..." Ukyou was
cut off as Genma came onscreen, grumbling.

 "You're reading more of 'In Mind And Body.' Enjoy, if that's humanly
possible..."

 And then, signs blinked, lights flashed, and all over the world,
people didn't care. The image of Genma was replaced with...







----------- 

--Ranma: About that idea, Ucchan...
--Ukyou: I'll tell you later...


[Somewhere along the way towards the Tendo dojo


--Ranma: ...There's a pile of dead bodies.


] 
Ranma: I can't believe you did that in school. 


--Ukyou: It wasn't my fault! Hinako-sensei was just so hot!


Ryoga: You made me do it! 


--Ranma: And if I made you jump off a bridge, would you do it?
--Ryouga: Right now? In a second.


Ukyou: Just be thankful the principal is still in Hawaii.


--Ukyou: Otherwise, he would've trimmed your hair in a very...
sensitive place.
--Ranma: Ucchan...

 
Akane: And if we didn't intercede, you two would have probably
destroyed the 
whole school. 
Ryoga: Good thing it will be Ranma who's going to get the blame. 
Nabiki: Oh, I wouldn't say that. 


--Ryouga: Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't, either...


Ukyou: Really? Ran-chan cut a deal with you or something? 


--Ranma: <as Nabiki> Yep, and all I charged him was... his SOUL!! 


Ranma: [sigh] A fairly expensive deal, if you don't mind me for saying.

Nabiki: It was a good thing those students fought at the same time as
you 
two did.


--Ryouga: <as Nabiki> Don't mind me, I'm just pointing out things the
characters already know.

 
Akane: Ever learned why they did? 
Nabiki: Hai


--All: Hi, Nabiki!!


, but you wouldn't believe why? 


--Ryouga: Try us. After Ukyou knowing I'm P-chan, Ranma kissing Akane,
Ukyou tossing Ranma aside for me...
--Ranma: ...Kuno complimenting my intelligence, me and Ryouga switching
bodies...
--Ukyo: ...and Kodachi being Ranma...
--All: We'll believe anything!


Ryoga: Why? 
Nabiki: Let's just say, it's a gender thing.


--Ranma: Yeah! No girls allowed!


 [giggles]
Ranma: Feh!


--Ryouga: I've been meaning to ask... what does "Feh" mean, anyway?
--Ranma: I dunno.
--Ukyou: What do you mean, you don't know?
--Ranma: I don't know. It's just... something.

 
Akane: Hey, where are you going Ranma? 


--Ranma: I gotta go Kasumi! I'll be back in a second! <imitates a
zipper being unzipped>


Ranma: [notices he was straying away] Oops, sorry. 
Ryoga: Geez. 
Ranma: Hey, you gave me this problem. 


--Ukyou: <as Ryouga> I did not! YOU were supposed to be using
protection!
--Ranma: Ucchan...


Ryoga: [sigh] Don't remind me. 
[Back at the Tendo dojo] 
Soun: What have you found out Saotome? 


Ryouga: <as Genma> The plot to steal all the commas is going as
planned, Tendo... soon, the authors shall beg us for mercy!
BWAHAHAHAHA!!


Genma: Well, as far as Dr. Tofu can tell me. Ryoga's...I mean Ranma's 
problem is eas to cure. 


--Ukyou: Yep. The author thinks there's a cure for AIDS.
--Ryouga: I don't think that's the problem he was talking about,
Ukyou...
--Ranma: Yeah! Hey, wait a minute...


Soun: Really? 
Genma: Actually...I couldn't understand a word he said. Eh, could you
take 
your daughter out of the living room for a while Tendo. 
Soun: [sigh] The kind doctor still can't confront my poor Kasumi, such
a 
tragedy.


--Ukyou: Guess that means they'll be doing it doggie--
--Ranma: Ucchan!
--Ukyou: <giggles> Sorry!

 
Genma: It's either that, or he's having a bad case of relapse. 


--Ranma: <monotone> Right, that makes tons of sense. Ha. Ha. Ha.


[The five has just arrived] 


--Ryouga: Oooo! Walking numbers...


Ranma: Tadaima! 


--All: Kutabare!


Kasumi: Oh, your home. 


--Ryouga: Yes. So get out.


Tofu: eh,..eep....Ranma?...er. 
Akane: Dr. Tofu, what are you doing here? 
Tofu: eh,...eeek...Akane....eep 


--Ukyou: Did Tofu-sensei fall in the Spring of Drowned Mouse, or
something?
--Ranma: I don't think so... why?
--Ukyou: He sure is squeaking like one.
--Ryouga: Maybe he just needs some oil...


Kasumi: I better go prepare dinner now. It was nice talking to you, Dr.

Tofu. 
Ukyou: Hey, can I help Kasumi? 


--Ryouga: <as Dr. Tofu> Why are you asking me? Go ask Kasumi!


Kasumi: Why, of course Kounji-san. 
Akane: [stares at Ukyou] Now why would you want to do that? 


--Ranma: <as Ukyou> So we don't have to eat your toxic waste, sugar...

Ukyou: [blinks] Huh? Why, can't I help around here? 
Akane: Hmmp. You're probably going to stuff Ryoga


--Ranma: And if we're lucky, she'll mount him, too...
--Ukyou: Now that would be entertaining. Too bad this isn't a lemon,
though...
--Ranma: I didn't mean that kind of mounting, Ucchan...


 with your cooking. 
Ukyou: Exactly. 
Akane: Well, since you're going to help...[is lead away by Ranma] Hey! 
Ranma: Let them be, Akane. We need to talk. 
Akane: Talk? What for? 


--Ukyou: <as Ranma> It's about last night. Remember our little
experiment with the instant Nannichuan? Well, there's... been some
complications...
--Ranma: <pauses> Ucchan... That's sick. You've been acting really
weird this whole time.
--Ukyou: <sighs> I think this fanfic stuff is getting to me...
--Ranma: I can tell. Don't worry, we'll get out and make Dad pay...
--Ukyou: <resigned> Right. 


Ranma: Actually, I don't want you to cook for...[is hit on the head


--Ryouga: ...By the blade end of a running chainsaw, and is killed
instantly. The End.


] Oww! 
Akane: What?! 


--Ryouga: You heard me.


Ranma: [rubs his head] Stupid Akane! 
Akane: I'll cook whenever I want!


--Ranma: <as Akane> And whatever I want! Now get into the pot, P-chan!
--Ryouga: <laughs nervously>

 
Ranma: No! 
Akane: [blinks] Ranma? You're actually stopping me to cook.


--Ranma: Alright, I'm assuming she meant "stopping me from cooking." So
I have to say, when have I ever ENCOURAGED her to cook?! 


 
Ranma: [drags Akane out through the porch] We need to talk. 


--Ryouga: <as Akane> Ow! Ranma, stop! Ow, ow! My head wasn't made to
break concrete! Ow! You'll have to pay for the new porch! Ow!


Ryoga: [stares] What was that all about? 
Ukyou: [follows Kasumi] Dunno. 
Tofu: Ranma? 
Ryoga: No, Hibiki Ryoga. 


--Ryouga: <British accent> Ryouga. Hibiki Ryouga. <007 Theme plays,
while Ryouga suddenly appears in a black and white formal suit. The
view suddenly changes to that of a gun scope, aiming at Ryouga. Ryouga
pulls  a Walther PPK from his breast pocket and fires a single shot in
the direction of the scope. A veil of red liquid falls over the scope's
view, and it falls slowly, swaying from side to side on its way. Ryouga
sits back down.>
--Ranma: Ryouga... what was that?
--Ryouga: I... don't know...
--Ukyou: I think when we get out of here, we should all go see
Tofu-sensei.
--Ranma & Ryouga: Right.


Tofu: I see. 
[Out on the porch] 
Akane: What's all this about? 
Ranma: You tell me. You've been acting strange lately.


--Ryouga: And YOU haven't?

 
Akane: Me? 


--Ryouga: No, the hamster behind you...


Ranma: Yeah, what's bugging you? You've been hitting on me since I got 
switched with Ryoga's body. I even heard that you've been fighting
Shampoo 
about me. 


--Ukyou: If that were true, she'd be dead by now, sugar...


And what happened last night? 


--Ukyou: <as Akane> I was drunk. I don't remember much. Just the faint
smell of vanilla and... I remember a train going through a tunnel, but
I don't know why...


Akane: Last night? 


--Ryouga: Y'know, the night before this one?


Ranma: You know...the first aid. 


--Ukyou: I sure wish he'd fill us in...


Akane: [sigh] Oh. 
Ranma: Are you upset or something? 
Akane: [turns he back to Ranma] I don't know. 


--Ukyou: <jabs Ranma with her elbow> If we have to sit through this, so
do you.
--Ranma: <waking up> What? Oh, did I fall asleep? 
--Ukyou: <nods> If you're asleep, who'll say "Ucchan..." after every
comment I make?
--Ranma: <smiles> Ucchan...


Ranma: Hey...it's all right [put his hand on Akane's shoulder] I'll be
back 
to my body by next week. 


--Ukyou: <as Akane, hopefully> And then we can get it on, right?
--Ranma: Ucchan...


Akane: Next week is too long. 


--Ryouga: I guess next week they're adding more days, eh?
--Ranma: Yeah. They're adding Wrisday to the Weekday line-up.
--Ryouga: How nice...


Ranma: I see...[chuckles] 
Akane: [glares at Ranma] What are you laughing at? 
Ranma: Now I get it. 
Akane: Get what? 


--Ryouga: A swift kick to the rear, if I have anything to say about
it...


Ranma: Nothing. [still laughing] 
Akane: [crosses her arms] Are you going to stop, or do you want me to
drag 
the reason from you? 


--Ryouga: I'll pick number two.
--Ranma: I'd hit you for that, but I'm really starting to hate the me
in this fic, too...


Ranma: [puts one arms on top of Akane's shoulder] I understand what
you're 
going through...it's just like the time you split into six Akane's. 

--Ryouga: Six akanes? Oh, the world does not deserve such a thing...
--Ranma: I really think I'm missing something... Do you remember that
time, Ucchan?
--Ukyou: I think maybe the author is just making up our lives as he
goes along, Ranchan... don't worry about it.
--Ranma: Oh, good. For a second there I was starting to think someone
wiped out my memory again...


Akane: [sigh] Oh, that. Really? 
Ranma: It was hard to accept, not to mention what a...


--Ukyou: ...Bitch you were!
--Ryouga: Ukyou!
--Ukyou: Sorry, this fic is really getting to me.
--Ranma: It's okay, Ucchan. It'll be over soon...
--Ukyou: <sighs> It better be...


[sees the tormented 
look on his fianc�e] 


--Ryouga: Oh? Has Akane been reading this fanfic, too?


Akane: I already know it was a stupid decision. You don't have to rub
it in! 
Ranma: [kisses Akane on the forehead] But, we got over that. All I
wanted 
was you. 


--Ranma: Liar...


Not six of you...though if I were a pervert like that 
Happousai...


--Ryouga: I'd have died of a heart attack!


[gets a sharp elbow on the ribs] Oww!


--Ryouga: ON the ribs? Have you been swimming in acid again, Ranma?
--Ranma: Not that I know of. But hey, this fic DOES seem like we missed
a chapter...
--Ukyou: Or two.
--Ryouga: Or thirty.

 
Akane: Point taken! 
Ranma: [grimaces] Geez. I should have seen that coming. 


--Ranma: Like everyone else did!!


Akane: I understand now, Ranma. 
Ranma: Really? 
Akane: Hai. 


--All: Hi, Akane!


[nods and then kisses Ranma] 
Ranma: If Ryoga knew how many times his body kissed you, he'll


--Ryouga: <as himself in the fic> Ranma, prepare to die!
--Ranma: <as himself in the fic> ...Say that.

....[hears a 
loud thud behind him


--Ryouga: ...and looks to see that everyone has been shot, apparently
by a sniper. He heard a faint shot, and looked down to see a gaping
hole in his chest. The End.


] 
Tofu: [carrying Ryoga] Hibiki-san? Are you alright? 
Akane: What wrong with him? [giggles] 
Ranma: See. [chuckles] 
Tofu: Ryoga, wake up? 


--Ryouga: <as Dr. Tofu> I think my voice must be shaky, 'cause it
sounds like I'm ending everything as a question?


Ryoga: [mumbling] I...


--Ranma: ...suck!
--Ryouga: Watch it, Saotome...


kissed Akane. I...wait. It was Ranma...but... 
Ranma: Snap out of it, Ryoga. 
Ryoga: Why didn't you tell me?   


--Ranma: <as Hinako> Tell you whaat?


Akane: I wonder who kisses better? [grins] 


--Ryouga: Now I see how the me in the fic got over the Akane in the
fic. She's annoying...
--Ranma: Hey! Let's see how many times we can grin before it gets
annoying!
--Ukyou & Ryouga: Alright!
--Ranma: <grins>
--Ukyou: <grins>
--Ryouga: <grins>
--Ranma: <grins>
--Ryouga: <grins>
--Ukyou: <grins>
--Ranma: Alright, how about... this! <grinz>
--Ryouga: <grinz>
--Ukyou: <grinz>
--Ranma: Ergh, enough already...
--Ukyou: I second that...
--Ryouga: Me too.

`
Ranma: What?! [Ryoga just falls down again] 


--Ryouga: If he's smart, he'll stay down until the story's over...
--Ranma: <mumbles> Guess that means he'll be getting up in a second...
--Ryouga: What?
--Ranma: Nothing!


Akane: Just kidding.. [giggles] 


--Ukyou: Why do I feel like the author is laughing at us behind our
backs?
--Ranma: Because he probably is. This HAS to be a joke...


Tofu: I guess this has something to do with you Akane.


--Ukyou: <whimpers> Is it almost done? My head hurts and I can't think
of any more jokes...
--Ranma: Just a little further, Ucchan...

 
Akane: [blinks] Me? 


--Ryouga: No, that big, glowing pile of cow dung behind you...


Ranma: [drags Ryoga back to his feet] Of course, you. 
Akane: Oh. 
Tofu: Anyway...I just told Hibiki-san the great news. 
Ranma: Great news? [is grabbed by Ryoga] 
Ryoga: The cure is already here! 


--Ranma: See, Ucchan!? It's almost over!!!
--Ukyou: I hope so...


Ranma: Here? I thought, we only need to wait a week.

Tofu: Actually, this spell is quite permanent. 


--Ukyou: Nooooooo!!!!! That means it's gonna go on forever...
--Ranma: It's gotta finish sometime, Ucchan...


Akane: What?! It can't be! 


--Ukyou: <as Akane> I was careful! I took the pill!
--Ranma: There ya go, Ucchan.. Wait. Hey!
--Ukyou: <laughs>


Ranma: Permanent?! No! 
Ryoga: Wait! The cure is simple. 


--Ryouga: <darkly> Just take this dagger and jam it through each of
your hearts... and the problem's sovled.


Ranma: How? Cologne said we needed to wait a week. 


--Ranma: Cologne's a damn liar! She's not her usual self! The author
wrote her way out of character! LISTEN TO THE MAN, DAMN YOU!!!!!


Tofu: If that is true, then maybe...but the way I see it. The cure is 
already available to both of you. 
Akane: How, Dr. Tofu. 


--Ryouga: Akane's a Native American now?
--Ranma: Yep. To recap, Akane's a male Indian, Kodachi's me, Tofu's a
talking mouse, Ukyou knew about your curse all along, Kuno thinks I'm
intelligent, Sasuke has a sister, and I'm longing for Seppuku. Any
questions?
--Ryouga: I think that about clears it up.


Tofu: [points to the pond] Since the spell is still in the pond. All
you two 
have to do is dip yourselves back there. 


--Ryouga: Grrrr!!!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE!!! HAPPOSAI DUNKED TWO PEOPLE
IN THERE EARLIER, AND NOTHING HAPPENED!!! WHY WOULD IT WORK NOW?!?!?!
I'M GOING TO..!! <faints>
--Ukyou: Wow. I think he needs to relax a little.
--Ranma: Just let him sleep for awhile.


[Ranma and Ryoga stare at each other for a moment then


--Ukyou: ...kiss passionately, declaring their undying love for each
other.
--Ranma: <shudders> Disturbing thoughts...



quickly jumps towards 
the pool] 
Ranma: <A cure at last...Wait what the hell am I doing?> 


--Ukyou: Ending this nightmare? Please?
--Ranma: I knew it... he's gonna use some excuse to tack on another
chapter...


[Ranma twists his 
body just in time and misses the pond] 
Ryoga: [transformed as Ranko] Why the hell didn't you jump in? 
Ranma: Eh, isn't it cold in there? 


--Ukyou: <as Ryouga-chan> Yeah! That's why my nipples are so visible!
Yeah! Honestly!
--Ranma: Ucchan...


Ryoga: [checks his feminine body] Yikes! 
Ranma: Not unless you don't care about revealing your curse. 


--Ukyou: <as Ryouga> Of course I do! If I revealed my curse, something
interesting might happen! You wouldn't want THAT to happen, would you?!


Akane: [runs up to them] What happened? 


--Ukyou: <sniffling> A very cruel person was bored, that's what...


Tofu: Ranma, you're supposed to jump in there with Ryoga. 
Ranma: eh, maybe later. [walks back to the house] 
Ryoga: [walks out of the pond] Yeah, we can do this later. 
Akane: Huh? 
Tofu: I thought they wanted to get cured? 
Ryoga: Thanks. 
Ranma: Don't mention it. 


--Ranma: For the love of God, please don't ever mention this again...


[The two disappears into the house] 


--Ukyou: And that was the last they saw of it. A few days later, its
friends, 5, 3, and 2, formed a search party. They were never seen
since.


[A pair of peering eyes glances over the fence] 


--Ranma: <as Homer Simpsons> Mmm, porn... <drools>
--Ukyou: Don't you go crazy on me yet, Ranchan.. it's almost done! I
can see the word "End" at the bottom of the screen!

Sasuke: Unbelievable. The master wouldn't believe this. 


--Ryouga: <waking up> Well, if he did, it wuldn't be unbelievable, now
would it?


End of Chapter 5

--Ukyou: Do you see that? I'm not hallucinating, right? It says "End of
Chapter 5"?
--Ranma: Wow.. it.. it does!
--All: YEEEEAAAAAH!!!!!


!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�


 Genma's image once again appeared on the viewscreen, and he glanced
over the three. They seemed much happier than he had expected.

  "So, Ranma, m'boy," Genma inquired, "How was the fanfic?"

 "It sucked!" Ranma replied, cheerily.

  "What did you think, Hibiki?" Genma wondered.
  
  "It was the worst thing I've read in months!" Ryouga laughed.

  "Ukyou?" Genma asked, cautiously.

  "That was horrible! Where do you find these things?" Ukyou asked,
obviously not caring.

  "Oohookay.." Genma whistled, turning off the viewscreen on his end.
"They've obviously lost it," he noted aloud. "Well, that's just one
step closer to the Otaku-ken..." he said, as he reported to Soun on
today's prgoress.


 While in the basement, Ukyou shared he plan to escape. 

 "Actually, it's simple. See that door? We can just take it off!" she
exclaimed.

 "And how do you plan on doing that?" Ryouga asked.

 "Well, it's easy," Ukyou said. "Just take this spatula," she handed
Ryouga a throwing spatula, "and squeeze the end flat."

 Doing so, he asked, "So how's that going to help?"

 "Easy! It's like a screwdriver now! We'll just unscrew the door!"
Ukyou said, mentally congratulating herself.

  "It might work..." Ranma said.

 "Of course it'll work!" Ukyou exclaimed, unscrewing the panels holding
the door together.

  As they fell apart, and the doors opened, Ranma yelled, "Let's go!"
and ran through the open doorway, only to meet with a large mallet to
the face.  

  Genma smiled as he watch Ranma and the others fall back down the
basement stairs. Sealing the basement doors, he mused, "I guess it was
a good idea to pay for the full system.."



 Ranma, Ryouga, and Ukyou lay unconscious on the floor, getting some
much needed rest.
And so, the MST faded out.

!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�

 Well, there's the end of the fifth one! Jeesh, by the end of this one,
I was ready to learn the Otaku-ken myself. Wait, uh, that doesn't
really exist, does it? I think I'll go have a cup of tea and rest now..


 And, oh yes, C&C is wanted, welcomed,

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