--- Richard Robinson <richardrobinsonjr@yahoo.com>
wrote:
Thanks, actually I was rather reluctant to send it
out
because I hadn't gotten much critical discussion...a
number of my friends enjoyed it and gave me some
suggestions...but this is the kind of commentary I
was
actually hoping for before sending it to the
list...thanks....and apologies again to Gary
Kleppe...
Actually this is the kind of feedback the list was
originally
created to give.
I really don't like showing things to LOTS of people
and then changing it...I always feel uncomfortable
about it...hurdle I must pass
I don't like the way you use Freak, normally that
would be used
to refer to a physical oddity. Ranma is never called
mentally odd
( outside of the Neko-Ken, which is understood to be
a normal
reaction.) I agree with most of your commentary on
his social
lacks. I can follow his being uneducated and not
being willing to
get the special schooling he needs.
I thought the Ryoga coming out of the closet and a
door in the
back was a good gag. Though blue hair, I don't
remember anyone in
UY with blue hair. green, red and black or brown but
no blue.
Blue Hair=Sasami...Tenchi is Tomobiki as well, at
least so I'm given to understand, I have...alas...only
seen one UY movie....and that was years ago...
I liked the part about Ukyo apologizes, Nabiki takes
to dinner
and a movie What next Ryoga isn't mad at me any
more?
One thing though turning genma into a Panda full
time and selling
or giving him to a zoo is a common solution. Of
course anything
appropriate I can think of would have moved this to
an R rating
or higher.
I tried to think of something original....I really
did...but most of the really poetic ones are taken
already...I finally settled on Ranma putting up the "I
don't care" act...and left the rest as inevitable
On the line Nabiki growls I wanted to neuter him?
which him. The
panda or the pig?
the pig
Final commentary on this, Genma is only slightly
exaggerated
here, frankly he is so close to the original manga
version, it is
almost scary. I feel like I read extracts from the
journal of a
true psychopath. A suicidal one at that. If he hurt
Akane...
I haven't read all of the commentary, some of it is
still coming
through on the list but I do agree with one bit.
This story could seriously improved by enlarging it.
It is good
as it is but it could be a lot better.
I need a LOT more patience
--
Rick Robinson
RICHARDROBINSONJR@yahoo.com
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to
my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for
that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic
tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll
have to kill you too.'"
Jake Johanson
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles,
scream and shout.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you
what can't be done, and why.
Then do it.
Lazarus Long in Time Enough for
Love
If violence is not solving your
problems you're just not using enough of it.
Misato
"I guess I'm just an old-fashioned sentimentalist at
heart. I
refuse
to accept a no-win scenario. I hate the thought of
a universe
without
justice. If the maneuverings of dark powers can't
be exposed
and
defeated by the pure of heart, then there's no
point in
anything. I
can't believe that."
-- Benjamin Hutchins
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He of Too Many Names (Thrythlind/Thryth/Luke/Hyperbole/Pika/Pooka)
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