I will do my best not to flame, though I doubt you will be receiving much,
since in your case, apprehension towards your story is mild at best and not
worth spouting. I hope that I will act as evidence of that theory.
I am a fan of Miss Ayanami Rei. As such, I not only have my own mindset
about her character, but one that constantly develops. I cherish this.
What comes from this is that I make an effort to watch my own
understandings, and in that, I generally will not read between the lines of
an event and leave the idea spreading through my head like smoke, pure and
simple. That said, here are a few things to bear in mind should you go over
your story one more time:
- Rei. She may seem mechanical and even robotic, but I would admit that
only as far as her actions and reactions, not her interpretations. That
said, I do not agree with your perception that Rei thinks in highly verbose
and vocabulary-enhanced strings. Also, throughout the story there are
little contradictions. For instance, in one instance Rei writes the term
"synch-test" in her diary. If Rei is technical in thought, and regardless
of whether or not she would use vocaublary out of the average conversation,
she would most likely have written out the full term "synchronization test."
Also, later in the story she employes the use of an exclamation mark. I
do not see Rei's tone in writing or conversation needing one. These are
little things, of course, and I realize that in the grand scheme of things
all my nagging would amount to next to nothing. These are just things to
bear in mind while you write and check. I, as one reader (granted, a weird
one), went through each line scanning about for inperfection in hopes for
perfection. Then I did the same for the entire paragraph or idea. I am
happy to say that some of the ideas did come through. If I were to tell you
what to write on every line, not only would you be incredibly impatient with
me, but it would not be your fic, and that would violate the story
altogether.
- Little details in your fic (i.e. the capitalization of the commander's
being) are appreciated, of course. I especially liked a sentence near the
beginning of the chapter -- "If someday someone should read this in the
unlikely event that I do procure a mate, then I must apologise for my
penmanship. The majority of my right arm is in a cast." I cannot help but
smile in hopes that she does find herself a better half and that he or the
both of them can read this line and smile as I did, be it in the setting of
conclusive optimistic romance or utter tragedy. In the latter case, it
would be beautiful as well as fitting to have him smile and release tears at
once. And before I bore people, I digress on this small matter.
- Rei and God. Hm. While personally I do not agree completely with this
tidbit, I will say nothing since I would most likely accomplish nothing by
doing so. Rei and Gendo, however, is a different matter. n Somewhere, there
was a degree of accuracy pertaining back to the manga that was refreshing,
but also, something felt out of place. My best guess is towards Rei's
complete admiration for the man. In my mind, Rei loves and hates Gendo
Ikari at the same time. He created her -- for that she loves him. He
created for a purpose -- for that she hates him. He interacted with her as
no one else could -- for that she loves him. Underneath, both realize that
he will not let her die (hence the cloning agenda) or be free -- for that
she hates him. Obviously, the tunnel runs deeper and wider than this, but
the point is that I cannot see Rei, in writing, where her thoughts are
private and should be without bias, that she would still openly swoon at the
commander's, well, everything.
- Rei and Shinji. Oh, you don't want to hear me give my shmill about that.
It could possibly trigger the Third Impact. But, there is one thing I will
say: Rei quotes Shinji in her diary. I believe she would have done it by
writing "blahblahblah," he said, or something to the effect of narrating
from a third person perspective. Just another technical thought.
- this last thought will probably detract from the story, so do not take it
seriously, but it might be useful somehow in the future. Rei is writing --
emphasis on writing -- a diary, where often thought is emphasized over
action. I think you get the idea from here. But bear in mind that I have
never written or begun writing a diary, so I cannot be sure. I am only
assuming, and that probably does not mean much. But Rei is supposed to be
writing for herself, and she assumes that no one else will ever read it.
Thus, some things are worth explaning, some things are not. Somethings are
worth saying, somethings are not.
Okay, by now you may be bored and anyone else reading will have had thoughts
about setting my house on fire. If I keep on going, people will wonder.
Just remember that I am one person and what I say can really mean nothing.
If you do nothing with my advice, you will still have on your hands a decent
story at worst, and something unique and curious at best. Keep it up.
- Jon, who is exhorting excruciating effort not to write much, much more (I
hope what I did write was constructive in some way, though, and not just a
bunch of random thoughts).
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