First of all...apologies to Gary Kleppe on my
response...I was a little bit spiteful...too early
after waking up...anyway...onward...if I don't counter
comment...assume I agree
"Let's see what the panda's hiding," Nabiki said
quietly to herself.
[I suggest you have Nabiki use "Shit-daddy," Ranma's
favorite epithet
for his father rather than "the panda."]
**Would this be the literal translation of "Oyaji"?**
*******************************************************
Nabiki looked into the mirror after rinsing
her mouth
out of the faucet again. She still felt ill, but she
didn't think there was anything else in her stomach to
disgorge. The man was sick. It was beginning to look
like the neko-ken was only the most obvious of Genma's
rather poorly chosen training methods.
[If Nabiki is sick at this point, I suggest it is
because she has
discovered herself to have been helping the demented
Genma implement
his
twisted program for his benighted son without her
knowledge, not simply
because she finds what she read revolting. This could
be cleared up by
relocating a single sentence.]
**That's what I was going for actually....serious
rewrite needed**
"I didn't think anybody could be so stupid as all
that," Nabiki told herself. "And people think RANMA's
a freak." Nabiki walked back to her booth and stuck
the papers into a manila envelope. She was going to
need help on this.
[Clearly, stupid is not the appropriate descriptive
for your version of
Genma. He is a great many other things, but stupid
does not appear to be one of them.]
**Perhaps: "I didn't think anybody could be as stupid
as he acted..." would be better?**
"I'm fine," she mentally checked to make sure
Genma wasn't watching. "Want some help with the
shopping?" Kasumi looked at her in mild surprise. "I
still feel like doing some walking."
[I suggest having Nabiki flicking a glance in Genma's
direction, rather
than checking mentally, or you need to explain how she
has developed
psionic powers.]
**Actually there is this trick I have and am working
on of shifting my focus of vision so that I don't have
to move my eyes or head as much...I started to explain
it but felt as if I was bogging down in side stuff so
cut out...apparently if you thought I was talking
psychic stuff I need to work the explanation back
in...no, I don't want to say "out of the corner of her
eye" that implies to me catching something by
accident...not deliberate watching**
"I spent five hours reading it through,"
Nabiki said
with a shiver.
[Five hours worth of reading photographed, transferred
to hard disk and
printed within half an hour? I suggest you review your
scheduling with
an eye towards improved verisimilitude.]
**A little unrealistic on hindsight, ne?**
"I'd like to burn the bastard," Ukyou growled.
"You
still want him to read it?" Kasumi nodded.
[Dialogue by two different characters should be
contained in separate
paragraphs. You otherwise confuse the reader about who
is saying what
to whom.]
**I was having formatting problems in transferring it
from doc to email...that is one of my pet peeves
actually...thought I caught them all**
[Another precise of personal opinion: Takahashi uses
both Genma and
Nodoka as caricature. They, along with the entire cast
are foils she
uses to satirically prick the sensibilities of Japanes
society and
culture. If however, you are going to change the
overall nature of the
story by treating the material in a more serious way,
it is probably
not
a good idea to hold Nodoka blameless for the mess in
which we find
Ranma
and Akane mired by the end of volume 38. Nodoka did go
for her sword
again after having declared Ranma suitably manly manly
in volume 36,
when Ranma began moping over Akane's absence. Only
Genma's quick action
prevented her from demanding his immediate seppuku. My
point is that
when you change the underlying nature of the tale, you
should try to do
so in a consistent way. I have not always succeeded in
this according
to
some, but I do try.]
**I need to read that....hadn't heard THAT before**
Okay. I think by now I have dealt you more than
enough misery,
Thyth.
**ah, the ever misspelled name survives...^_^ old joke
Thrythlind Hardwulf is my Amtgard LARP name, and on
most of my awards and titles I have recieved it is
always spelled differently**
I did not do this to be mean or cruel. I would not
have bothered
had I thought it not worth the effort. You show ever
sign of having a
lively imagination, which is more important to writing
a story than
anything else.
The clouds and rain schtick was a source of much
amusement for me, and I wish I had thought of it
first. In my opinion, this story has some real
potential, but you need to work on your mechanics a
bit and quit trying to jam ten pounds of story into
five-pound paragraphs. Go ahead write more than you
need. It's easier to cut stuff out than it is to
create, so create with abandon and cut later.
**Yes...patience tends to be something I have to work
on...and thinks for noting the clouds and the rain
joke....and apparently I have to untrain myself to
dislike "said"**
Regards,
Don Granberry.
Thanks, actually I was rather reluctant to send it out
because I hadn't gotten much critical discussion...a
number of my friends enjoyed it and gave me some
suggestions...but this is the kind of commentary I was
actually hoping for before sending it to the
list...thanks....and apologies again to Gary
Kleppe...I had just woken up, was getting ready for
work and scanned down to see the conclusion and hit
the "Bwahahahaha" and this was a little snotty in my
reply
Thryth
^_^
=====
"Caffeinated Kender? What's that, a berserk spell?" -
Tribble, Kender Warrior of the Celestial Kingdom
Signed
He of Too Many Names (Thrythlind/Thryth/Luke/Hyperbole/Pika/Pooka)
http://members.aol.com/thrythlind/snake.html
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