Thryth <thrythlind@yahoo.com> wrote:
"Hey Saotome." The martial artist in question looked
"Hey, Saotome."
Always set off a direct address with a comma or two; otherwise, you can
completely change the meaning of the line of dialog.
up suspiciously at the sound of the voice. It wasn't
that he didn't like Nabiki, she tended to treat him
like a younger brother, it was the tendency his funds
had of disappearing around her that bothered him.
"What do you want Nabiki?" he asked, pausing in his
want, Nabiki?" (see above)
"Hey, I didn't know about the exploding food or the
katana," Nabiki noted quickly. Ranma nodded, it
wasn't an apology, but he didn't really expect one.
So why is she trying to make amends at all? That's not like her. If she
wants to persuade Ranma to do something for her, she'd have better ways.
"When did the panda start keeping a journal?" she
asked casually.
When did Nabiki start referring to Genma as "the panda?"
"Never told me," Ranma shrugged. "Knowing him its
it's
"Why are you asking ME all this? It's not my book!"
"Alright, alright, forget I asked," Nabiki rose her
hands and backed off, letting Ranma go back to his
practicing. ~I can find this out for myself. What
could be in that journal that's worth hiding it?~
Why *didn't* she just go look at the journal for herself if she wanted
to know? It's quite OOC for Nabiki to go to Ranma without at least
checking it out for herself first.
Nabiki spent the next few minutes clicking away with
her camera, and turning pages. She did not fall into
the trap of reading the book here, where she could get
lost and be caught.
NABIKI: Lost?! It's a single room, for gods' sake! How could I get lost?
RYOGA: Hey, it's possible!
MM/DD/98
Shouldn't you fill in actual months and days here?
Tendo's middle daughter is mercenary girl. She could
NABIKI: Genma is actually... SHAMPOO?!?
MM/DD/99
Nabiki passed out invitations to the surprise
wedding. Didn't think she could pass up the chance
for a little profit. The boy and Akane are even
closer, I support the marriage but love is too much of
a distraction. What would happen if they quit
fighting?
Ah yes, eeeeeevil Genma. Booga booga!!
So Genma is smart enough to plot all of this out, all while keeping
people from suspecting his true nature, but he's dumb enough to write
all of this down where anyone in the house could see it? Yaright.
Nabiki looked into the mirror after rinsing her mouth
out of the faucet again. She still felt ill, but she
didn't think there was anything else in her stomach to
disgorge. The man was sick. It was beginning to look
like the neko-ken was only the most obvious of Genma's
rather poorly chosen training methods.
NABIKI: Just in case you haven't gotten the point in that last scene,
Genma is EVIL! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL! I'm tossing my cookies,
he's so evil! Do you get it, or should the author hit you over the head
with it some more?
Kasumi was a definite yes, her older sister could
Run-on sentence.
"Tadaima." Nabiki glanced at the two fathers playing
shogi on the porch. ~Great, he's here.~
"Okaeri Nasai," Kasumi voice drifted from somewhere
Couldn't we have this dialog in English? Also, it should have a period,
not a comma, since the verb doesn't refer directly to the line of
dialog.
"Are you feeling okay, Nabiki," Kasumi asked. "You
okay, Nabiki?" Kasumi (it's a question)
look a little pale."
"I'm fine," she mentally checked to make sure Genma
fine." She (Again, she isn't checking the line of dialog.)
"Certainly, I'd enjoy the company," Kasumi said with
her normal smile. "Shall we go then?" The beginning
of the trip consisted mostly of small talk while
Nabiki worked out how she was going broach the
going to broach
subject.
Neither noticed when they passed a certain young
woman at one of the street vendors. If she had been
dressed with her standard kit the spatula probably
would have picked her out right away. As it was
Kasumi only vaguely noted a white hair ribbon and
Nabiki was for once to distracted to pay much
too
attention to things. Ukyou certainly didn't miss them
though.
Try to describe your scenes rather than explain them. Direct author
explanations like this break the flow of the story.
"Kasumi and Nabiki," the chef said to herself. "I
wonder if I can find out if Ranchan hates me or not."
She still didn't know just what she had been thinking
when she took Shampoo's suggestion of exploding food.
Oh, it's all Shampoo's fault. Of course. 9.9 I suppose attacking Ranma
to steal (what she thought was) his ring in v.36 was Shampoo's fault
too?
"What?!" Nabiki's exclamation neatly covered the
sound of Ukyou's facefault. "No! That's not the
Does a facefault make a sound?
problem."
"Are you certain of that Nabiki, you did go to all
that, Nabiki? You
"It wasn't much trouble," Nabiki noted, she directed
Run-on sentence.
~The panda keeps a journal?~ Ukyou blinked.
This is the second character to refer to Genma as "the panda" even
though no one did this in the manga. Methinks the author is betraying
his biases here.
"Oh my, he talks about me here," Kasumi said. "He
doesn't like me much, does he?"
~Who could NOT like Kasumi?~ Ukyou asked herself.
A character being bashed by the author, that's who. :)
"What do I do about this, Kasumi?" Kasumi handed
back the papers to Nabiki, handling it as if it were
something rather smelly and distasteful. "This is so
far beyond one of my pranks or scams."
"This will have to go to the authorities," Kasumi
said.
KASUMI: And never mind those pesky laws about inadmissibility of
illegally-obtained evidence. They don't apply to characters the author
doesn't like.
"Good, then perhaps you can leave that one with
Ukyou," Kasumi said, Nabiki blinked, behind her bush
Ukyou twitched.
Ummm... suggest you make that behind THE bush. Trust me on this one.
^_^;;;;
"Are you sure we should tell her about this?"
"She deserves to know, Nabiki. The question is
academic anyway. You can come out now."
"How did you know I was there?" Ukyou asked as she
stepped from behind the bush.
"Oh, I didn't," Kasumi said, Ukyou facefaulted and
Nabiki slapped her forehead.
C'mon, she obviously did. I like an inscrutable Kasumi, but this one
isn't.
"I wouldn't be by the dojo without calling ahead
first," Nabiki said.
"They were quite upset," Kasumi agreed. "But I find
that it probably wasn't all your fault.
KASUMI: In fact, I find you not guilty by reason of... er, by reason of
that everything is Genma's fault.
Good day,
Period after "Good day," not a comma, assuming the good day is directed
to Ukyo rather than Nabby.
Nabiki, we have shopping to do."
"Right, Kasumi," Nabiki said frustrated. She turned
said, frustrated.
The boy has a lot more potential than I do; he'll
pass my physical skills before he hits his twenties.
That is a problem, it is difficult to train someone
Run-on sentence.
Problem solved, the Kuonji boy is a girl. Her father
came by to discuss an engagement. A woman scorned is
a dangerous thing indeed. Too bad she's not a boy
after all though, I don't want the boy to get used to
all, though; I
weak opponents....
GENMA: Did I mention that I'm eeeeeevil? Well, I am. I'll mention it
again later, just in case you forget.
MM/DD/99
Kuonji is a little too nice still; she'll need a
little prodding when Nabiki tells her about the
wedding. Maybe, if I slip her something that day�
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Sorry, but this has got to be THE most laughable rationalization of a
favored character's behavior I've heard in quite a long time. Was Ukyo
also drugged by Genma when she tricked Ranma and Akane into going to the
Cave of Lost Love? How about when she attacked Ranma (and Genma himself)
to steal what she thought was his engagement ring? Tell us MORE!
Or don't. Sorry, but I don't see much point in continuing to read this.
I've read far too many "evil Genma" fics already. If you were at least
attacking a popular character, I'd respect your courage in trying to
challenge people to look beyond their biases instead of pandering (or
panda-ring) to existing biases. But since Genma is generally disliked
already, I don't see any point to this.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html