Kyle Emmerson and Knight Writer <kyle_emmerson@yahoo.com> wrote:
Time, she thought with a derisive snort, a thing which I don't have
much of anymore. That damn boy had cost her dearly. She had failed to
bring him into the Joketsuzoku. After devoting so much of her remaining
time, he had still refused to come along willingly. Shampoo had
practically offered to be his whore over the years, and still he had
refused. Ranma simply didn't understand how degrading it was for an amazon
You should probably capitalize Amazon, as it's used here to refer to the name of
a specific tribe.
warrior of Shampoo's level and status to have to pursue a man, an OUTSIDER
no less, in such a fashion.
But now that didn't matter. No, not at all. Ranma would never know
of the unique power she had seen in him if things went on as they were. A
power she had never seen in any Joketsuzoku before, and one that Ranma
could give to their blood. No, to HER blood. Time-phasing would enter the
line through Shampoo's womb, and as such would secure her line's hold on
the council for centuries to come.
It wasn't something she had been able to discern very well at the
beginning. When Ranma had entered the village, she had merely caught a few
glimpses of him... or HER, rather. Needless to say, she thought nothing of
her in the beginning.
The transition from Jed's writing to Kyle's (I'm guessing) is jarring enough; I
don't think you need the skipped line to mark it. :)
When she had managed to defeat Shampoo, Cologne knew the strange girl
had an ability that surpassed the rest of the young warriors of her tribe,
especially to do away with Shampoo in naught but a simple kick.
Clumsy wording. Perhaps 'especially obvious in the way she did away with....'
So, as the law of the Joketsuzoku stated, she could not be allowed to
live, and the task of her dismissal from the waking world was left to
Shampoo.
Even when Shampoo returned, with news of the truth behind the girls...
girl's...
body. Even when she had been judged by the springs of Jusenkyo and cursed
Sentence fragment. It'd probably work if you made it 'body, even' since the
follow-up clause applies to both of the 'even's.
And that clenched it. Cologne stopped teaching Ranma the abilities of
clinched (wrong word)
the Joketsuzoku, with the exception of the Hiryu Shoten Ha-- another
technique that took some time to master, the the circumstances were...
the the?
Extenuating.
This isn't a new sentence, so don't capitalize.
Nonetheless, she identified it. Though she was quite positive the boy
knew nothing of his ability, it was locked within him.
With no small amount of malice, Cologne had acknowledge the ability.
The boy could literally bend time. His enhanced agility, even his superior
speed that Cologne herself had trouble blocking against was proof. He
could speed it up and slow it down to his will, however, only on a local
level.
Try to be less repetitive in your wording. You've used 'ability' here umpteen
times. :) Also, do we need to know the details of Ranma's ability this early in
the story? At this point, it seems like more of a distraction than anything
else.
If his gift were mastered, he would be the most powerful ally-- or the
deadliest enemy her tribe had ever faced.
A single person. A single MALE could put an end to three thousand
years of Joketsuzoku history.
She snapped her eyes open and lay her eyes once again on the altar
laid
before her. No. She wouldn't allow it.
Cologne took the knife from the left of the altar, whispering the
forbidden words she had memorized long ago. Each syllable, each tone, had
to be exact. For a spell such as this, there was no room for error. Even
the slightest mistake could spell either failure, or utter disaster. The
former meant only that her life would come to an end much sooner than she
had thought. The latter... Cologne didn't like to think about that.
And we're back to Jed again. :)
The final words left her lips, and Cologne felt her mane of snow
white hair lift from an unnatural wind. Her skin tingled beneath the
simple robe she wore, the fine hairs on her arms standing on end from the
invisible tendrils of power around her. There was no turning back, now.
Don't need the comma after 'back.'
The pain of the knife was exquisite as its razor keen edge severed
razor-keen
And now the birds flew as they had before, chirping on cue. The trees
swayed in the breeze, just as it had done previously. The cafe stood on
just as they had
the outskirts of Tokyo, betraying no change from before.
But there was a difference. However subtle, however insignificant, the
change had come.
"Waitress," a patron bellowed, attracting the attention of one
particular woman. "My coffee is cold!"
"Can I help you, sir?" Someone asked the young man called Soun Tendo.
someone (no caps, since it's the same sentence as the line of dialog)
"What the..." Ensign Sara Miller stared at the readout before her,
her mind frantically struggling to make sense of the data that, by all
rights, should be impossible. The buzz in Ops steadily grew as more and
more people saw the same data appearing on their own consoles.
"What is it, Miller?" asked a voice from above her left shoulder.
MILLER: It's the alarm. But that's not important right now.
"EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! PRIORITY-ONE SIGNAL FROM NEXUS OPS, ALL
AGENTS EVACUATE! REPEAT, ALL AGENTS EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!" Hikaru
Gosunkugi stared at the small communicator in his hand, his face paler
than usual. Evacuate?
GOS: Er... actually, I just did. Anyone got a spare pair of pants?
"Selma," he said, fishing out a small rectangle that appeared to be
nothing more special than a credit card. A form appeared from thin air
beside him, light twisting into the shape of a woman a head taller than
himself. Selma's dress was almost Victorian, a long black dress that hung
to her feet, with a white ruffled blouse above. Her red hair was pulled
into a neat bun atop her head.
"What is it, Hikaru?" the hologram asked.
Just FYI, holograms can't exist without a lens or mirror or some other sort of
backdrop. They're nothing more than 3-D movies that don't require glasses. The
images LOOK like they're in front of the backdrop, but unless the observer is
actually looking at the backdrop, he/she won't see them. (Yes, I understand that
allowances need to be made for the sake of the story, but I'm tired of the
average person *not* understanding this. ^_^)
Gah, he can get irritating, Gosunkugi thought as he switched off the
communicator on his wrist. The wall of the Dojo came into view, an eerie
green light shining from behind the stone. As he grew closer, he saw the
stone begin to fade, as if he were looking through a hologram. Swallowing
his fear, he charged through the wall and into the glow.
See above. Holograms aren't transluscent.
"AKANE!" There! He saw Akane standing in the green light, the rest of
the house around her fading into nonexistence. I KNEW it, he thought,
Ranma is involved! From the corner of his eye, he saw Nabiki fading from
view, as if every molecule in her body lost their adhesion and fell apart
as if every molecule lost its adhesion
or
as if all of her molecules lost their adhesion
The Tendo Dojo did not exist, instead, the grounds had become a
fair-sized rock garden, with a small koi pond. Soun had never laid a foot
upon the grounds, and never would.
At Furinkan High School, there was nobody to take bets at a fight.
Tatewaki Kuno had no true loves, and Doctor Tofu Ono never steamed his
glasses up by being in the presence of anyone.
But, far away, in a place unknown by most of the residents of Nerima,
two souls reached a turning point in their lives. A turning point which
could have spun in a completely new direction, had an agreement of the
past been made.
Seems to me it might be better to reveal this information through the voice and
investigations of Gos and Akane, rather than being told it directly through
author-voiced (in this case Kyle-voiced ^_^) narration.
It's a very interesting beginning. I know collaborations take longer than solo
fics (I've got a few of them theoretically going myself that haven't moved in
years ^_^) but I'm looking forward to more of this whenever you get the chance.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html