From:
"B. Na" <sme291@hotmail.com> | Block address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
CC:
meesun5@mail.com
Subject:
[FFML] [NGE] ["The Waste Land] [Ch. 2]
[Revised]
Date:
Sun, 06 Aug 2000 00:15:20 PDT
My comments@@
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY.
As always, take what you find useful and
please ignore the rest. Quite frankly, if you enjoy
what you are writing, if you write with joy and
gusto . . .you shouldn't pay any attention
to anyone else. ^_^
Dear FFMLers
Here is the revised version of the second
chapter of "The Waste Land."
You may send comments and criticism to me
either privately at sme291@hotmail.com or
via the FFML. However, please keep
comments tasteful and constructive (I
do have a delicate ego.)
Thank you.
B.Na
---------------------------------------------
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from
either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
>From T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land"
II. A Brief Respite
The thin metallic taste of blood filled
his mouth. Shinji grimaced as he ran his
tongue along the roof of his mouth, his
teeth, his lips. The boy tried to spit out
the acrid taste but he was unable to raise
his head and the saliva clung to his mouth
and chin in thin bloody threads. Shinji
wiped his mouth with a feeble hand, leaving
streaks of dust upon his face and grit in
his teeth. He spat again and rubbed his
mouth; once more, a thin layer of dirt
accumlated. Shinji sighed.
@@Nice.
I'm a little unclear about his physical situation.
Is he laying on his back? And why can't he raise his
head
yet can raise his hand to his mouth? Not implausible,
just
needs a tiny bit more description.
With his one good eye, the boy looked
up into the sky. The sun was well past its
meridian; it was now near five o'clock. He
tried to move his head once more, but the
fierce bursts of pain brought on a wave of
darkness and nausea. Shinji gagged as bile
surged into his throat. Too weak to hold
the acid stream, he turned his and vomited.
@@Ok, this makes things from earlier a bit
clearer. Now my preference would be
to make this section more compact. I think
that it's just a _little_ overdone. Perhaps
shortening everything from the start to this
point by perhaps three sentences or so.
Again, this is a stylistic point. I find that some of
the impact
of Shinji's suffering/injuries is diluted just a tad.
However
this is _very_ subjective on my part.
For many minutes afterwards, Shinji
lay unmoving, a viscous trickle of bile
running from his mouth onto the ground. He
stared straight ahead, his blue-grey eye
blank, empty. The rancid stench wafted up
to his nose but he could not sense it. The
sour flavor coated his mouth and lips but
he could not taste it.
@@Ummm, I'm a little confused. I think
you're trying to show he's in such bad shape
that he can't smell or taste. It was just a little
jarring the first read through. Good idea. You might
want to play with the wording just a bit.
Strangely,
mercifully, a kind of stupor had stolen over
him, shutting off all sensation and thought.
The boy lay there thus, unmoving, when
the girl discovered him a few days later.
@@Hmmm, Shinji's in pretty bad shape
at the start of this. I'm not sure he could survive
unattended for a "few" days. I read "few" as being
at least three and that's really stretching it. More
than
three days and his chances of survival decrease
dramatically.
(exposure, dehydration, etc) You might want
to actually give the time frame. IMO it has more
impact to say "discovered him three days later." than
a nebulous "few days later."
Average Air Temp. Average Length of
Survival
89.6F (32C) 3 days
78.8F (26C) 4 days
69.8F (21C) 6 days
>From "Survival" by Xavier Maniguet ISBN: 0-76070-184-9
The slight figure knelt over him, her
long auburn tresses brushing against his
face. At first, Shinji was unaware of her
presence.
@@I'd change from "The slight figure" to "A slight
figure"
since on first reading I thought I was getting
Shinji's POV, then discovered
he was still unconscious.
He dimly felt a hand raise his
head from the earth and lightly touch the
wounds upon his face. Shinji slowly
opened his eyes and squinted up at the
girl above him. The sun shone full upon
her, creating a halo of light about her
form but casting her features in shadow.
"Asuka?" he whispered hoarsely as he
reached out. "Asuka?"
"Asuka?" the girl echoed in
puzzlement. "You're hallucinating. You
must have a fever." She laid a cool and
gentle hand upon his hot brow, a look of
commiseration and concern upon her face.
Shinji grasped the hand eagerly, a strange
glow illuminating his countenance. The
girl drew back in alarm and tried to
withdraw her hand. He tightened his hold
and pulled her closer to him.
"Don't go," he begged. "Don't leave
me alone, Asuka!"
"I-I'm not Asuka," she answered
nervously as she attempted to remove her
hand from his. The intense happiness on
his face was awful. "You're imagining
things. I'm not--"
@@Good.
"Don't go!!!" he shrieked suddenly,
his voice full of anguish and terror.
"Asuka!! Asuka!!"
The girl tore her hand free and
scrambled to her feet. She had already
run a meter away from him, but a peculiar
noise arrested her in mid-flight--the
sound of a low, grieved moan.
@@ I can no longer resist meddling. ^)^
How about this change::
The girl tore her hand free and
scrambled to her feet, but a peculiar
noise arrested her in mid-flight--the
sound of a low, grieved moan.
I think it give a little more �punch' to a very
dramatic
scene.
For a few
moments, she stood irresolute. Then, as
Shinji's sobs increased, as quickly as she
had run from him, the girl turned back.
She knelt beside him and murmured
soothingly as she stroked the sweat-matted
hair from his dirty face, "Shh. I won't
leave. I'll stay. Hush now. I won't go."
"Asuka," he whispered, his eyes
shining. "You won't leave me, will you?"
The joy on his face was terrifying but the
girl pushed back her fear and answered
steadily.
"I won't. I promise."
Shinji smiled contentedly before he
slipped into unconscious.
@@very nice.
I especially like the dialogue and the
"joy on his face was terrifying" is
inspired.
---------------------------------------------
The small stone cross felt cool in her
thin palm. Elena carefully opened her fist
and once again looked at the pendant in her
hand. It's a curious thing, really, she
thought as she toyed with the necklace. I
don't think I've seen anything like this
before the apocalypse. She idly danged the
ornament from her wrist, a thoughtful look
in her eyes.
Why does this boy have this? And how
did he get it? Elena wondered as she glanced
at the sleeping boy in the bed. She ran her
thumb along the plain, narrow string of hemp,
her brow furrowed in contemplation.
Abruptly, she stopped and stared at her hand.
Dry, brittle, red-brown flakes speckled her
fingers. Curious, she touched her fingers to
her lips. Her eyes widened in surprise.
Blood, she thought as she rubbed the
pads of her thumb and forefinger together.
The frail, dark scales fell to the ground
and mingled with the dust upon the floor.
@@Very, very nice. Excellent.
However, recalling (faintly) the original draft
Elena seems _very_ mature here and her use
of "boy" to describe Shinji reinforces this.
However her actions/attitude here are at odds
to her earlier actions. Not irreconcilable but there
needs to be just a smidgen more detail to explain
how she goes from frantic flight to cool, analytical
composure. Just a tiny bit more to transition from the
earlier section to this part. (I'll have to wait and
see
how it's reconciled with later scenes. ) ^_*
---------------------------------------------
He stared into the enormous, luminous
eyes fixed upon him.
"Evangelion Unit One," he whispered
hoarsely.
The beast stood silently, waiting.
Shinji continued to gaze at the monster
before him; he could not tear his eyes
away from it nor release himself from the
hand that held him in its grip.
"Evangelion Unit One," he repeated.
"Evangelion Unit One." He dropped his head,
defeated. "Even now, after all that has
happened, you're still here."
The brute said nothing and continued to
gaze upon the small figure in its hand.
"Why?" Shinji asked plaintively, looking
up at the monster. "Why are you still here?
I got rid of you, didn't I? I destroyed you
didn't I? I'm free of you, aren't I?"
The beast was silent still.
"I defeated you. I destroyed the
world--and I killed you. I killed the
world--and I destroyed you."
The brute remained mute.
"No, I'm not free," he mumbled, lowering
his head. "I tried. . .and I failed. And
I'll never be free. . . The beast. . .it's
still here. . .within. . ." The boy fell
quiet for many moments.
"No, I will defeat you. I will be free.
I will destroy you," he vowed in a low voice.
Suddenly, he looked up, his face contorted
with a wild, indescribable rage. "I will
kill you, damn you!!! I will kill you!!!"
he shrieked as he twisted wildly about. "Die,
die, die!!!"
His screams echoed through the void--
loudly at first, but they gradually faded
into a faint whisper and then dwindled into
nothingness.
@@Good. Again, my preference would be to
tighten this scene just a little to enhance the
dramatic
impact.
Shinji awoke with a start. He stared
at the unevenly painted ceiling with astonished
eyes. Where am I? he wondered. He turned his
head to the left and saw the girl seated near
the window. He slowly rose, his eyes still
fastened upon her. The rustle of the
bedclothes startled the girl and she turned
around. Across the silent space between them,
their eyes met. For a long moment, the two
children stared at each other.
@@I've said it before . . .they don't ACT like
children.
I know they're supposed to be children (in the anime)
but
d***it they don't seem at all child like in word or
deed.
I'd just like a little transition or exposition
earlier on
to make this a little less shocking.
Shinji swung his
legs over the bed and made his way towards her.
Suddenly, at the
corner of
his eye, Shinji saw
a flash of white. Pressed against her heaving
chest, swayed slightly by the movement, was a
small cross-shaped object. In one bound, the
boy was at her side. He wrenched the necklace
free from her grasp, an inexpressible look upon
his face.
"Why do you. . . How did you get this?"
he inquired in a low voice. He was shaking.
"I found this in your hand. . ." she
murmured. "I�" he began. Suddenly, without
warning, Shinji collapsed to his knees.
Unthinkingly, the girl sprang out of her
chair, her hands extended in an offer of
support. He gently pushed her hands away
and shook his head. "No," he whispered,
"Don't. . .don't. . ." He looked up; the
awful expression was gone now, replaced by
one of shame and remorse. "Don't. . .
please. . ."
"I didn't mean to--" the girl began.
"No, it's fine. Don't worry," he
replied dully. "It's my fault. . ."
"Do you need any help?" she asked.
"No," he answered. He rose stiffly to
his feet. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--
that is--I'm sorry," he mumbled finally.
"I-It's all right."
"Ano. . .miss. . ."
"My name is Elena," she said. "Elena
Bhaer."
"Elena-san. . ."
Elena shook her head. "No, don't say
anything. It's all right. . .uh. . ."
"Shinji. Ikari Shinji."
"Shinji-san. . ." she repeated. Then
she added quietly, "That's a good name."
@@Well that was suitably cryptic. ^_^
However not frustratingly so. Well done, except
for the "children" bit, and I may eventually get used
to that.
I still have the feeling of waiting for the other shoe
to drop
with Elena. That one bit with her examining the cross
and
tasting the dried blood, while a marvelous, marvelous
scene in and
of itself, doesn't seem to fit her earlier or later
actions. It makes
her appear to be two different people. I keep
expecting her to be
hiding her true nature or to be possessed by the
spirit of
Unit One or . . .something. ^_^
---------------------------------------------
Elena watched him from her seat on the
worn doorstep of the house. In the dim
twilight, she could discern the irregular
outline of a boy crouched in the sparse grass.
His ragged white shirt glowed faintly in the
dusk. The boy's thin arm moved in long,
sweeping strokes; he was describing a pattern
in the dust with a twig. A name? she wondered.
As Shinji worked, she saw his hand reach under
his shirt and withdraw a small object from
around his neck. Then, abruptly, the boy threw
the stick to the ground and, in one, fierce jerk
of his hand, obliterated the design. For many
moments, he sat still, gazing down at the
ornament in his hand. Then, gently, carefully,
the boy tucked the necklace into the small pocket
of his shirt and rose to look at the ruins that
stretched before him.
@@Good. I think you would be better off
changing "object" to "cross" or something,
"Object" is unnecessarily indirect.
She had often seen him thus, sitting alone
in the half-light. At these times, he would draw
the necklace from his pocket and stare at it, lost
in thought. Sometimes he would hastily stow the
ornament into his shorts' pocket; sometimes, he
would slip it into his breast pocket; sometimes,
he would place it round his neck�but this last
action was rare. His behavior puzzled Elena and
she wondered again how he obtained the necklace
and why it was so important to him. But since
that day, he had never openly displayed it to her.
And though she yearned to know its history, she
never asked.
@@Which action is rare? Putting it in his shirt
pocket?
I'm still a little uncomfortable about "never openly
displayed
it to her."
Perhaps "never openly displayed the cross."
{after all there isn't anyone else around for him
to display (or not display) the cross}
The pale blue glow of twilight was quickly
deepening to evening. She saw the boy standing
with hands upon hips and long, gangly legs spread
apart. His slender shape was a dark blot against
the clear, watery horizon.
The word scrawled in the dust was nearly
illegible. A few characters remained but Shinji
knew the word: happiness. The word pained him,
sustained him, unnerved him. . .and enraged him.
@@Nice.
Shinji looked down at the ornament in his
hand. I've tried so hard, Misato-san, to find
the answers. I thought that I wanted to stay,
to try and find my own happiness, but I've
found nothing. His foot ground out the
remaining characters. For a moment Shinji
gazed down at the shallow imprint in the dirt
before he rose, slipping the necklace into his
pocket. Has it been good to stay here? To live
in this world? He briefly touched the small
bulge within his shirt pocket and scanned the
horizon. Against the dark azure rose the
darker forms of lopsided buildings, jagged
spears of metal and wood and crumbling heaps
of stone.
@@Very nice. I think he's playing with the
necklace too much in the past several paragraphs.
Other than that minor quibble, very good.
@@Shinji:: "Hey, it worked for Captain Queeg."
No, he mused, it hasn't been good. . .so
far. But if I can only find it, if I can only
be happy. . . But can I find what I'm looking
for here? Will I find it?
Shinji stood and looked across the
shadowy earth. His eyes were dark and
mournful. Suddenly, the boy squared his
shoulders, placed his hands upon his hips and
set his feet firmly upon the rocky ground. A
hopeful light shone in his face. No, I can't
fail. I stayed here to find it. And I will
find it, he vowed silently. I will find
happiness, no matter what. I will find it here. .
.somewhere.
@@Good. I'd tighten this section a bit.
Perhaps delete a few things.
Example::
No, he mused, it hasn't been good.
But if I can only find it, if I can only
be happy. . . But can I find what I'm looking
for here? Will I find it?
Shinji stood and looked across the
shadowy earth. His eyes were dark and
mournful. Suddenly he squared his
shoulders setting his feet firmly upon the rocky
ground.
A hopeful light shone in his face. No, I can't
fail. I stayed here to find it. And I will
find happiness. . .somewhere.
@@This is, again, very subjective. Basically
I'm telling you how _I_ would have done it.
Shinji: "Unit 01----KILL!!!"
Critic: "Aaaeeeeeeeeee" <sizzle, crackle>
---------------------------------------------
"Die!! Die!!"
Elena came running to his room.
"Shinji-san!" she exclaimed. "Wake up!
Shinji-san!"
"Die!! Damn you!! Die!! Why won't you
die?!" Shinji screamed as he thrashed about.
Elena seized his arms and shook him.
"Shinji-san! Wake up! Wake up!"
"Die!!!" he shrieked. Suddenly, he
bolted upright, his eyes wide with rage, and
lunged at Elena. "Die!!!" His hands reached
out, trying to close around her throat.
Elena gasped.
Shinji froze. For a long moment, he
stared, unseeing, at the girl. Then,
suddenly, the boy fell back, limp, onto his
bed. Elena stood, looking at the still form.
She could not stop shaking.
"Evangelion Unit One," he moaned,
"Evangelion Unit One. . ."
"What?" she whispered. "Evangelion?"
She stared at him, horrified. "You. . ."
Shinji woke from his slumber. He looked
up at the girl with sleepy, puzzled eyes.
"Elena-san. . ."
"Evangelion," she repeated hollowly.
"Evangelion. . ."
At first, the words did not pierce
through the cloud of sleep that enveloped
him. But her continued whisperings cleared
away the haze and the boy blanched when he
heard the familiar name. Shinji tried to
speak but the words could not push past the
barrier of his teeth and they trailed off
into a faint hiss.
The two children sat quiet for many
minutes before her low voice broke the
silence between them. "So, it was you--you
who did all this," she murmured.
"Yes," he whispered. "I am the pilot
of Evangelion Unit One."
"Then you were responsible for the
Third Impact?"
Shinji bit his lip and nodded. The
girl dropped her head in her hands. Through
the thick tangle of auburn hair, he saw her
mouth moving, forming words, but she made no
sound. Finally, she looked up. Her
expression was unreadable. But he fully
understood the tone of her voice.
"But why? Why would you do such a
thing?" she asked quietly. "Didn't you
understand the consequences? Didn't you know
that this would happen?"
@@Shinji: "Well, look on the bright side.
The world is a barren wasteland, but we
don't have to take entrance exams."
Elena: "Yay!!!"<kisses Shinji and dances out into
the sunlight, her heart lighter.>
Shinji bowed his head. "No. . . At
the time, I didn't know. I was simply a
tool--for NERV and. . .for my father. I
didn't realize what was happening until it
was too late. I tried to stop it--I
tried. . .but it wasn't enough. . . It
wasn't enough. But I tried--I tried. . ."
"So did you destroy the world--or did
you save it?" Her voice was strangely,
ominously calm. "What did you do?" she
questioned again. Suddenly she shrieked,
her voice cracking with the violence of her
panic and rage. "What did you do?!"
@@good until this point. Elena seems a tad confused.
At first she seems pretty positive about Evangelion 01
and "Third Impact" now she seems less sure.
"I don't know!" Shinji cried. He
pressed his hands against his temples and
shook his head. "I don't know!" He paused.
"But perhaps it would have been better
to destroy it. . ." he added in a low voice.
"Perhaps, it would have been better. . .that
way. . ."
Elena stood and stared helplessly at the
boy before her. Shinji still held his head
between his hands--the knuckles were white
with the pressure, the tendons were hard and
rigid. The hands quivered from the intense
stress.
Finally, the girl spoke. "Tell me, then,
why did you it?"
"I don't know."
"Don't lie to me," she warned. "Answer
me. Why did you do it?"
"I don't know."
Elena clutched his shoulders, her
fingers digging painfully into his flesh.
"Tell me," she shrieked, shaking him fiercely,
"Why did you do it?!"
@@Of course what I know about Evangelion
could be chiseled on the head of a pin with
a bowling ball. For those readers who are less
knowledgeable you might give us a few clews
about "it".
<SNIP>
@@Very nice. Of course the first version was nice too.
I think many of my problems stem from the fact I know
little or nothing about Evangelion. However
you have once again demonstrated a marvelous
ability to paint a very surrealistic landscape.
An interesting take on the concept of re-birth
or being "born again" found in Zen and Christianity.
Regardless of what I or anyone else thinks, it's
apparent _you_ have enjoyed writing this. And
that's all that matters. I look forward to the next
chapters.
-<SNIP>
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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