Thyth,
My commentary will be enclosed in square [] brackets.
I did find this to be an enjoyable read despite its flaws. Fortunately,
the flaws seem to be easily repaired with only a little more writing.
You may find some of my criticisms a bit sharp in spots, but the intent
is to help you out by showing you what I think needs to be improved. I
would not have undertaken this effort, had I not believed you as writer
are demonstrating some potential for being a good storyteller.
Regards,
Don Granberry.
Quick Note: I've seen one or two other fics that show
Ranma not being able to read more than katakana...I
don't think that's canon...but it fits the
story....this could have been done better though...I'm
not going any further with this...
[Ranma's lack of reading skills seems plausible if you draw only from
reading the comics. Drawing from Japanese society as a whole however, it
strains ones credulity, especially given Genma's fascination with old
scrolls describing martial arts arcana. The older Japanese writing is,
the more difficult it is to read. This is much more true of Japanese
literature than it is of English literature and older English can be
terribly opaque. Ranma would need good reading skills in order to be a
formidable martial artist. We are talking about martial arts here, not
boxing or football. Still, this does make for a plausible plot device, I
just wish you would contrive another reason for Ranma never sneaking a
peek at his old man's journal. An odd thing about katakana, I have
little or no trouble with hirigana, but katakana gives me fits. Kanji?
Kanji gives everyone fits.]
*******************************************************
"Hey Saotome." The martial artist in question looked
up suspiciously at the sound of the voice. It wasn't
that he didn't like Nabiki, she tended to treat him
like a younger brother, it was the tendency his funds
had of disappearing around her that bothered him.
"What do you want Nabiki?" he asked, pausing in his
kata to pay attention to her. He glanced quickly at
the koi pond to be prepared for any surprises of the
aquatic nature, and then turned full attention to
Nabiki. They could still hear the bricks being broken
in the dojo proper. Ranma and Akane had gotten a
little closer after the wedding attempt. One result
was that they had mutually and independently decided
to work out stress away from each other.
"Hey, I didn't know about the exploding food or the
katana," Nabiki noted quickly. Ranma nodded, it
wasn't an apology, but he didn't really expect one.
"Let's not talk about it, okay?" he said. "Now what
do you want?" Nabiki shrugged, she had to admit she
deserved it. Maybe not admit it out loud, but she had
to admit it. She had been planning on avoiding both
him and Akane for a little bit longer yet, but she was
curious about something.
"When did the panda start keeping a journal?" she
asked casually.
"That's what you want to know about?" Ranma blinked
confused. "The old man's book?"
"Yeah, when did he start writing it?" Ranma's
attitude indicated that the book had been around for
awhile. Nabiki didn't like to think that she could
have missed a detail like that.
"I don't know, it's been around as long as I can
remember," Ranma shrugged. ~There has to be something
more to this, she can't just be interested in that
stupid book.~
"What does he put in it?"
"Never told me," Ranma shrugged. "Knowing him its
probably a lot more stupid techniques like croaked
frog and junk like that."
"And you've never taken a peek at it?" Nabiki hmphed
in disbelief.
"Why would I want to do that?" Ranma asked, suddenly
embarrassed. He went back to his kata in an attempt
to end the conversation. Nabiki had a sudden thought.
"It's written in kanji, isn't it?" Nabiki asked.
Ranma could barely write his name without screwing up,
a rather severe hole in his already questionable
education. Ranma's response was a twitch and a growl.
"Why are you asking ME all this? It's not my book!"
"Alright, alright, forget I asked," Nabiki rose her
hands and backed off, letting Ranma go back to his
practicing. ~I can find this out for myself. What
could be in that journal that's worth hiding it?~
[I will here agree with Mr. Keppe's criticism of Nabiki's behavior at
this point. The easy fix would be to have her read just enough of the
thing to that she has reason for asking Ranma about it.]
Nabiki decided that she'd have to rework her
estimation of Genma. She had always thought that he
had acted a little too stupid considering that he
created the Umisen and Yamasen techniques. She made a
little stop by her room, after checking to see that
her father and Ranma's were still gone, and then was
on to the guestroom. It took only a moment to find
the books hiding place, since she had happened to see
Genma placing it.
Nabiki spent the next few minutes clicking away with
her camera, and turning pages. She did not fall into
the trap of reading the book here, where she could get
lost and be caught. After all, she'd have plenty of
chance to read it later when she transferred the
digital pictures to her computer. She then carefully
returned the book to its former position and
readjusted all the little warning signals Genma had
set on it. She didn't want him to know it had been
disturbed after all. Then it was back to her room.
Half an hour later found her sitting in the diner
with a sundae and a sheaf of printed papers. Most
people would call this an invasion of privacy, but as
far as Nabiki was concerned, any secret of Genma's was
a dangerous thing. Genma's secrets usually meant bad
news for Ranma, and that meant bad news for her
sister. Since the two of them couldn't do it for
themselves, she took it upon herself to protect them
as much as she could. Provided it didn't take too
much effort anyway.
"Let's see what the panda's hiding," Nabiki said
quietly to herself.
[I suggest you have Nabiki use "Shit-daddy," Ranma's favorite epithet
for his father rather than "the panda."]
*******************************************************
MM/DD/98
Tendo's middle daughter is mercenary girl. She could
prove useful in the training process. The boy still
has a tendency to try to make friends with people; for
all that he's inept at it. Maybe this girl can push
him over the edge...
["Mercenary girl," sounds like something Shampoo would say rather than
something Genma would write. I suggest using another epithet in the
journal.]
MM/DD/98
That girl has already helped me tremendously. After
the samurai's proposal of love to the pig-tailed girl
I'll bet the boy is really thinking people aren't
worth the trouble. One less distraction from the art.
Avoiding Kuno could be good practice too, though the
samurai isn't anywhere near Ranma's skill level.....
MM/DD/98
The boy is really angry about the Tendo girl's fake
engagement. He's beginning to act a lot more
suspicious. Its getting harder to surprise him than
before.....
MM/DD/99
Nabiki passed out invitations to the surprise
wedding. Didn't think she could pass up the chance
for a little profit. The boy and Akane are even
closer, I support the marriage but love is too much of
a distraction. What would happen if they quit
fighting?
[It will take some work, but actual dates would help a lot. A difficult
task to be sure, given Takahashi-sensei's disdain for schedule, but
either use dates, or do the writing necessary to avoid the use of dates.
Please refrain from using non-dates. It gives this reader a case of
cognitive dissonance. I suggest you have Genma taking delight in these
developments, rather than posing as the provocateur in every case. Have
Genma go to a little more lengths to explain his reasoning, twisted
though that may be.]
*******************************************************
Nabiki looked into the mirror after rinsing her mouth
out of the faucet again. She still felt ill, but she
didn't think there was anything else in her stomach to
disgorge. The man was sick. It was beginning to look
like the neko-ken was only the most obvious of Genma's
rather poorly chosen training methods.
[If Nabiki is sick at this point, I suggest it is because she has
discovered herself to have been helping the demented Genma implement his
twisted program for his benighted son without her knowledge, not simply
because she finds what she read revolting. This could be cleared up by
relocating a single sentence.]
To make matters worse, not only was he setting out to
make Ranma's life miserable, Genma had used HER to do
it. The insult being she hadn't noticed. She would
have been impressed if the task she had been
performing weren't so reprehensible.
"I didn't think anybody could be so stupid as all
that," Nabiki told herself. "And people think RANMA's
a freak." Nabiki walked back to her booth and stuck
the papers into a manila envelope. She was going to
need help on this.
[Clearly, stupid is not the appropriate descriptive for your version of
Genma. He is a great many other things, but stupid does not appear to be
one of them.]
Kasumi was a definite yes, her older sister could
probably think of any of a number of things to help
repair some of the damage done. She would do it
quietly too, not just drop the bomb on Ranma and
Akane. Nabiki wanted more help than that, however.
She'd come up with something soon enough. For now she
had to talk to Kasumi.
[This paragraph needs work, and probably should do a bit more expaining
of what is running through Nabiki's mind than it accomplishes as
written.]
*******************************************************
"Tadaima." Nabiki glanced at the two fathers playing
shogi on the porch. ~Great, he's here.~
"Okaeri Nasai," Kasumi voice drifted from somewhere
further back in the house. The eternally serene girl
quietly appeared with the same grace and breeziness
that her voice had just moved through the house. "I
was wondering where you had been all morning."
"I had to get out of the house for a little while,"
Nabiki said, noticing Kasumi watching her carefully.
Kasumi had her purse out, which meant she was going
shopping. ~Perfect.~
"Are you feeling okay, Nabiki," Kasumi asked. "You
look a little pale."
"I'm fine," she mentally checked to make sure Genma
wasn't watching. "Want some help with the shopping?"
Kasumi looked at her in mild surprise. "I still feel
like doing some walking."
[I suggest having Nabiki flicking a glance in Genma's direction, rather
than checking mentally, or you need to explain how she has developed
psionic powers.]
"Certainly, I'd enjoy the company," Kasumi said with
her normal smile. "Shall we go then?" The beginning
of the trip consisted mostly of small talk while
Nabiki worked out how she was going broach the
subject.
Neither noticed when they passed a certain young
woman at one of the street vendors. If she had been
dressed with her standard kit the spatula probably
would have picked her out right away. As it was
Kasumi only vaguely noted a white hair ribbon and
Nabiki was for once to distracted to pay much
attention to things. Ukyou certainly didn't miss them
though.
"Kasumi and Nabiki," the chef said to herself. "I
wonder if I can find out if Ranchan hates me or not."
She still didn't know just what she had been thinking
when she took Shampoo's suggestion of exploding food.
That had been stupid, so far beyond stupid that hit
Kuno levels. It had probably ruined her chances as a
fiancee, and maybe even destroyed the friendship. At
one point she had irrationally decided that the
panda's attempt to snag some free food earlier that
day had irritated her. She needed to know where she
stood.
[The preceding three paragraphs are very unclear. I had to read through
them twice before I understood what was going on. It seems you are
trying to jam too much into too few words.]
"Kasumi..." Nabiki hesitated.
"Whatever it is can't be all that bad, can it?"
Kasumi said sweetly. Ukyou pulled up short aborting
her attempt to get their attention. Nabiki looked at
her in surprise. "You and Akane are both so reluctant
about asking for help." She spoke with a mildly
amused voice. "But the build-up is easy to spot now."
"I'm not that obvious, am I?" Nabiki asked, suddenly
nervous.
"Only to someone who knows you, imouto-san," Kasumi's
voice was only a little patronizing.
"I hope so," Nabiki muttered. "Uh...anyway, there's
a problem. Its about Ranma..."
"Oh, Nabiki," Kasumi gasped. "You haven't fallen for
him too, have you?"
"What?!" Nabiki's exclamation neatly covered the
sound of Ukyou's facefault. "No! That's not the
problem."
"Are you certain of that Nabiki, you did go to all
that trouble to ruin their wedding, and it does seem
to be a contagious condition."
~Never heard it put that way before,~ Ukyou thought
as she got back to her feet.
"It wasn't much trouble," Nabiki noted, she directed
her sister to the sparsely populated park and removed
the printed photos from the envelope. "This is the
problem." She opened the envelope and handed Kasumi
the printed journal.
"What is this...Saotome-san's journal? Nabiki where
did you get this? This is an extreme invasion of
privacy."
~The panda keeps a journal?~ Ukyou blinked.
"My digital camera," Nabiki said honestly. "Just
read a few entries, you'll see the problem." Kasumi
gave Nabiki a reproachful look before reading a few
entries. She blanched, flipped a few pages picked
another entry, then another.
[I join with Mr. Kleppe in asking that you use "Genma" more often and
"the panda" less.]
*******************************************************
MM/DD/98
Tendo's eldest shouldn't be a problem. She's exactly
like a woman should be. Dutiful, quiet, and
empty-headed....
[Genma is afraid of women, or at least seems to be in the manga. This
version of Genma appears to be very much afraid that a woman's influence
will foul up his pet project, so he should in my opinion, be worried
about Kasumi, not happy about her.]
MM/DD/98
I was wrong about Kasumi; she's making the boy soft.
He's actually somewhat polite when talking to her.
He's beginning to think that she's safe, he shouldn't
think anything's safe....
MM/DD/98
Does that girl run everything in this house? If you
want anything done you have to ask Kasumi. The boy
trusts her, and she's been giving him advice on
dealing with Akane. I can't figure out what to do
about her.....
[I suggest something like "...I'll have to be extra hard on the boy to
make sure she doesn't take the edge off of him.]
*******************************************************
"Oh my, is it ALL like this?"
"Yes," Nabiki's lip curled. "It's ALL like that. He
tricked me. ME!" Nabiki growled low as her eyes
narrowed.
~She looks sick,~ Ukyou had rarely seen any extreme
emotion on Nabiki's face. She leaned forward a bit,
parting the leaves of the bush she was behind. When
Kasumi's head started to turn back toward she returned
to a less risky position. ~What's in those papers.~
[Personal opinion: Nabiki would only be sickened one time. After that
she would be coldly furious. Such an apparition should frighten anyone
of good sense.]
"I spent five hours reading it through," Nabiki said
with a shiver.
[Five hours worth of reading photographed, transferred to hard disk and
printed within half an hour? I suggest you review your scheduling with
an eye towards improved verisimilitude.]
"Oh my, he talks about me here," Kasumi said. "He
doesn't like me much, does he?"
~Who could NOT like Kasumi?~ Ukyou asked herself.
"No, he doesn't," Nabiki agreed.
"Oh, this explains Ukyou's behavior at the wedding,"
Kasumi said.
~Huh? What did she say?~
"What do I do about this, Kasumi?" Kasumi handed
back the papers to Nabiki, handling it as if it were
something rather smelly and distasteful. "This is so
far beyond one of my pranks or scams."
"This will have to go to the authorities," Kasumi
said.
"If possible I'd like to keep this to the family for
now," Nabiki said.
"Nabiki..."
"I would like to know how Ranma takes this," Nabiki
explained, interrupting. "You'd think that with just
Jusenkyo and the Neko-ken he'd have had enough, but he
thinks his father is just stupid, not...." Nabiki made
a vague gesture as she tried to come up with a word.
"You make a point," Kasumi nodded as she stood up.
"I'll give you a week, Nabiki, after that I expect
that...item to be in the hands of the police. You can
print another copy I assume?"
"What do you take me for?"
"Good, then perhaps you can leave that one with
Ukyou," Kasumi said, Nabiki blinked, behind her bush
Ukyou twitched.
[I am sure that Ukyou, being a martial artist, has taken many pains to
maintain her flexibility, but flexibility of this degree is unlikely to
be found in anyone. I suggest re-wording this sentence in a way that
avoids conjuring up such a bizarre image in the reader's mind.]
"Are you sure we should tell her about this?"
"She deserves to know, Nabiki. The question is
academic anyway. You can come out now."
[I suggest "You can come out now, Ukyo-chan."]
"How did you know I was there?" Ukyou asked as she
stepped from behind the bush.
"Oh, I didn't," Kasumi said, Ukyou facefaulted and
Nabiki slapped her forehead.
[Personal, Pet Peeve, Unlikely to be shared across the spectrum of
fan-fiction readers: Facefaulting and big-sweating are visual aids used
in manga. If you are going to write, then write, dammit! People's faces
redden, they stammer, they sweat, they start and they do a whole other
host of other entertaining things which the writer dismisses with a
graceless "bigsweat," or a "facefault."]
"She used to pull that one on me all the time,"
Nabiki explained, irritated that she had been fooled
again, even if it was just a small way. "How much did
you hear?"
"What's in that thing?" Ukyou said bluntly. Nabiki
glanced at the envelope and considered.
"Nabiki..." Kasumi's lecturing tone began to creep
into her voice.
"Alright, alright," Nabiki said. She handed over the
envelope to Ukyou. "Don't let anybody else see that,
and promise me you won't do anything without talking
to us first."
"Like what?" Ukyou asked.
"Like making a panda rug."
"I want to do that anyway, how much worse can this
make Genma seem."
"Quite a bit, actually," Kasumi said. "If you see
Ryouga, however, you might want to show him that."
"Ryouga!?" Nabiki looked at her sister as if she'd
gone insane.
"But I think that should be it for now," Kasumi
paused and looked momentarily wistful. "I wish Dr.
Tofu were still here, he always seemed to have
answers. Odd considering how funny he always acted."
"Now he would make sense, but Ryouga?!"
"Well, I got to go," Ukyou said. "Umm, one question
before I go...how did Ranchan and Akane feel about
me...uhh..."
"I wouldn't be by the dojo without calling ahead
first," Nabiki said.
"They were quite upset," Kasumi agreed. "But I find
that it probably wasn't all your fault. Good day,
Nabiki, we have shopping to do."
"Right, Kasumi," Nabiki said frustrated. She turned
to Ukyou again. "Don't do anything, and don't tell to
anybody, especially Ranma and Akane."
"Gotcha," Ukyou said, confused. ~Okay, I have to
read this now.~ She looked around and decided that
maybe Ucchan's would be a better place to do this.
[I suggest a bit more work on this last sentence. It clanks instead of
ringing.]
*******************************************************
MM/DD/88
The boy has a lot more potential than I do; he'll
pass my physical skills before he hits his twenties.
That is a problem, it is difficult to train someone
better than you, but I think I have found a solution.
He has improved greatly since beginning this game
with the Kuonji boy. He likes the competition aspect,
and there really is no teacher like experience. Too
bad it is such a friendly contest. If Kuonji were
trying to kill him though, now if only there was a way
to do it....
[To do what, pray tell? Kill Ranma? I thought he needed Ranma to be a
great martial artist? This seems an impossible goal if "the boy" is
dead. A more complete thought from Genma would be useful here.]
MM/DD/988
Problem solved, the Kuonji boy is a girl. Her father
came by to discuss an engagement. A woman scorned is
a dangerous thing indeed. Too bad she's not a boy
after all though, I don't want the boy to get used to
weak opponents....
MM/DD/98
The Kuonji girl is back, and she's out to marry him
again. Fortunately this makes the current fiancee
situation even harder to get out of. I'd much prefer
if she was still trying to kill him, but at least
she's making life a little harder for him...
MM/DD/99
Kuonji is a little too nice still; she'll need a
little prodding when Nabiki tells her about the
wedding. Maybe, if I slip her something that day�
*******************************************************
"Ukyou-sama," Konatsu knocked on the door to the
shower again. "Are you okay?"
His object of worship had been in the shower for the
past hour, and this was after she had locked herself
in a room for most of the evening. She had been
acting funny recently, she had been getting really
obsessive up until the day of the abortive wedding.
Since then she had been rather depressed. Then she
had stomped out of her room and disappeared into the
shower.
"Bastard," Ukyou muttered, not hearing the kunoichi
outside over the water and her own muttering. She was
on her third bar of soap now, and was starting to feel
a bit like a prune. "Sick, perverted bastard. Woman
scorned he says? If he wants to see me mad..."
*******************************************************
Ranma paused as he walked out of the house proper and
saw Nabiki waiting by the gate.
[This passage would be much more easily understood if we knew up front
the time of the day and where Akane and Ranma are bound to. The
transition is so abrupt that it kicks the reader out of the story.]
"Hey, Otooto," she blinked and looked past his
shoulder. "Where's Akane?"
"Uh..." Ranma was still surprised by the familial
term she had just casually tossed out. "She forgot a
couple of things."
"You're not going without her, are you?" Nabiki asked
with more than a little reproach.
"Of course not!" Ranma answered quickly. "I'm just
waiting for her out here. Why?" He narrowed his eyes
suspiciously.
"I wanted to talk to both of you," she sighed and
checked her watch. "But I need to get going so, I was
wondering if you two would like me to treat you to a
movie or something." Ranma froze and stared at her.
"Talk to her about it will you." Then she turned and
was gone leaving a stunned Ranma behind her.
"Don't just stand there!" Akane snapped after she had
been standing next to him for almost a minute. "We're
going to be late!" She rolled her eyes and headed out
the gate.
"Hey wait a minute," Ranma snapped out of his daze to
follow Akane.
"Akane, is there something wrong with Nabiki?" Ranma
asked halfway to the school. Akane looked at him
curiously.
"Besides the obvious you mean?" Akane asked.
"Yeah, she called me 'otooto.'"
"That IS strange," Akane admitted.
"Then she offered to treat us to a movie." Akane
tried to respond but her jaw didn't seem to be
working.
"What?"
[I suggest having Akane show a wee bit more alarm at this news.]
"She wanted to know if we felt like going with her to
a movie or something," he said. "HER treat."
"That's very....oh great," Akane growled the last as
she looked over to the school. Ukyou was pacing in
front of the gate and glaring about the place, doing a
decent Ryouga imitation.
"We could get around her," Ranma pointed to the wall.
"Hell no, I'm not running from anybody!" Akane
growled stomping forward.
"I don't want to deal with her right now Akane,"
Ranma explained.
"Look at her, Baka, she's out for blood," Akane
snapped. "She's in our classes, how are you NOT going
to deal with her." Ranma thought about it a moment.
"I guess it had to come sooner or later," Ranma
admitted reluctantly. "Let's go."
"...damn bastard, I'm going to skin him alive," Ukyou
turned around to see Akane and Ranma walking towards
her, looking less than happy. That was actually
somewhat of an understatement for Akane. Ukyou
wondered briefly if there'd be enough left of her for
a funeral. "Uh...hi guys."
[Do what? Who is speaking of whom in the preceding mish-mash of
narrative and dialogue? I had to read it three times before I figured
out what was going on. I suggest "Akane appeared ready to chew nails and
spit rivets," or some such.]
"Don't you 'hi guys' us," Akane was confused, she
would have thought Ukyou would have immediately leapt
to the accusations. "You tried to kill me!" Akane
maintained her own anger and glare though.
[Akane's thinking is not clear to the reader here. What accusations
might Akane rightly expect Ukyou to make? Expecting an immediate attack
from Ukyou, yes. Accusations? What accusations and why would Akane
expect them?]
"What do you want Ukyou?" Ranma asked coldly. Ukyou
briefly entertained thoughts of using what she knew in
another attempt to win him over. That ended quickly,
looking at the two Ranma and Akane already seemed to
be operating as one unit. She had lost that battle,
Jusendo and the aftermath of the wedding had cinched
it.
[A little more of what is running through Ukyo's mind and some sign of
her swallowing her anger at Genma in order to address Ranma and Akane in
the preceding paragraph would help.]
"I...I...Gomen nasai," she bowed low in front of
Akane and Ranma. The Anything-Goes martial artists
stared in shock. "I...haven't been myself."
"You mean you don't want to fight?" Akane demanded.
"No," Ukyou answered. ~Not either of you anyway.~
"Besides, I think I like my face the way it is."
"Oh kay," was Ranma's only response.
"I'll...be going now," Ukyou said. "Try to make it
to Ucchan's please, it gets lonely with just Konatsu
to talk to. He doesn't argue enough to be interesting
conversation." Ukyou left before they could answer.
"Is everyone going crazy today?" Akane asked.
"Ah! My lovely Akane!! Allow me to defend your honor
from that wretched scoundrel Saotome!!" The
declaration was followed shortly by the sound of a
large unaerodynamic missile flying through the air
over the school.
[I suggest using non-aerodynamic, rather than the neologism,
"unaerodynamic."]
"At least Kuno isn't acting weird," Ranma noted,
admiring Akane's uppercut form. Usually he liked to
get to Kuno first, Akane had a tendency to go
overboard, but Akane needed something to hit.
[I would drop the word "form" after the word "uppercut." He either
admired Akane's execution of the uppercut, or he admired her compliance
to form while using an uppercut, or both, but there is no such thing as
an "uppercut form." This is my personal take on diction in these
matters. Use your own judgement.]
*******************************************************
"Oh, I'm sorry Saotome-san," Kasumi said sweetly.
"But the hot water is out again, I've already called
the plumber."
*What am I going to do then?* The irritable panda's
sign read. Kasumi thought back to the book on
pressure points she had borrowed from Dr. Tofu earlier
that year, and briefly wondered if they'd be similar
on a panda.
"Well, I have some water on the stove, but..." Kasumi
started, the panda pushed in past her and reached for
the teakettle. Kasumi resisted the urge to smile as
the panda yelped in pain and pulled his paw back from
the kettle. "...I was boiling it for tea."
*I'll just go to the public baths,* the panda's next
sign read. He shuffled out of the kitchen and Kasumi
looked about at the bits of fur left in her kitchen.
"What an unsanitary beast," Kasumi sighed as she went
to get a broom. She noted pleasantly the panda
walking past the outer gate as she continued along.
Kasumi was surprised when the broom closet opened
before she got there. Her surprise diminished as she
recognized a familiar yellow tunic and black and
yellow bandana.
"Excuse me, can you tell me the way to...Kasumi?"
Ryouga blinked. "What are you doing here in
Tomobiki?"
"This is Nerima, Ryouga-san," Kasumi said patiently.
"But that little girl with the blue hair said it was
Tomobiki," Ryouga said. Kasumi looked past Ryouga
into the closet and briefly wondered when her broom
closet had gotten so large. Then a little red door
with a circular window closed near the back, just
before vanishing. "Then there was the girl with the
red hair who kept shouting and asking if I was related
to someone named Mihoshi. Maybe I shouldn't have used
the baksai tenketsu on that wall, or whatever it was"
"Oh my," Kasumi said, sweatdropping. "I'm glad
you're here, however."
"You are..." Ryouga swallowed nervously. Kasumi
nodded and gestured an invitation to follow her.
"Could you hand me that broom while you're there?"
Kasumi asked. "And the dust pan, thank you."
"Umm...why would you want to see me?" Ryouga asked
cautiously. Kasumi turned around and noticed him
blushing. She sighed briefly, exasperated by the
emotional upheavals that were adolescent males.
"Yes, there's something I want you to see," Kasumi
said, making sure that he followed her to the kitchen.
"But Ukyou is holding it right now, so we shall have
to wait until school is over." She continued before
the lost boy could respond. "Why don't you attend
school?"
"Uh...well...I never really...can," he stood there
poking his fingers together while she swept up her
kitchen. "Find it...often enough."
"You've been to school before, how did you find it
then?" Kasumi asked, clapping her hands after
disposing of the panda hair. She gestured slightly
and Ryouga moved out of her way so she could move to
put the broom and dustpan away.
"Shirokuro used to get me places," Ryouga admitted
nervously as Kasumi walked back. "And uh...." he
mumbled something.
"Excuse me, I didn't quite catch that last sentence,"
Kasumi said quietly.
"I used to follow Ranma a couple of times," he
admitted grudgingly.
"Oh, well that was nice of him to help you," Kasumi
said. She took a towel and used it to take the
teakettle, placed it on a tray, and took down a pair
of saucers and cups.
"Nice, him? He would insult me the entire way and
never got close enough to let me get my hands on him,"
Ryouga sniffed. "Coward, always running away."
"Excuse me," Kasumi turned around holding the tray,
Ryouga moved out of the way again. "Would you care
for some tea, Ryouga?" She asked as she passed beyond
him.
"S..s..sure," Ryouga followed along hesitantly.
"You're aware that insulting Ranma was a part of
his...father's training methods?"
"So, what does that have to do with anything," Ryouga
asked.
"Well, I've only rarely heard Genma praise Ranma,"
Kasumi noted. "And even then it's just to fluff his
own ego."
"What does how the idiot panda acts have to do with
Ranma being a jerk?"
"I imagine that Ranma has been receiving insults like
that most of his life," Kasumi continued. There was
actually very little imagination involved, though
Kasumi had suspected something like this even before
seeing the journal. "Perhaps he does not understand
that there is any other way to act?" Ryouga stared at
her.
"Just because his father's a jerk doesn't give him
the right to be a jerk," Ryouga insisted.
"I suppose this will have to wait until later,"
Kasumi sighed. She had hoped to be able to reason
with Ryouga before showing him Genma's journal, but
apparently not. "Incidentally, I would try to avoid
Nabiki if I were you."
"Uh...why?"
"Well, you see we recently discovered a certain fact
about our sister's pet pig," Kasumi told him bluntly.
Ryouga stared at her wide-eyed.
"He told.." Ryouga narrowed his eyes and started to
growl.
"Ranma? No, he doesn't know we know yet," Kasumi
said. "You'll understand later today. Now do you
think you can stay put for the next five hours?"
"I guess," Ryouga said warily.
"Good, if you need anything please call me," Kasumi
told him. "Do not look for it yourself."
"I'm not that bad!" Ryouga growled. Kasumi smiled
and sipped her tea.
*******************************************************
Ukyou was surprised to see Kasumi and Ryouga outside
her restaurant as she returned home.
"Have you been waiting for me?" she asked.
"I wanted to avoid Ranma and my sisters," Kasumi
explained. "Nabiki might not be rational about
Ryouga."
"I wonder why," Ukyou glared at him. Ryouga
swallowed nervously.
"Ah, you've read it then," Kasumi said. "I haven't
but skimmed it myself, is it really as bad as it
seems?"
[Exceedingly poor grammar on the part of Kasumi. I suggest revising the
sentence.]
"I'd like to burn the bastard," Ukyou growled. "You
still want him to read it?" Kasumi nodded.
[Dialogue by two different characters should be contained in separate
paragraphs. You otherwise confuse the reader about who is saying what to
whom.]
"What are you two talking about?" Ryouga asked.
"You don't want to know, sugar," Ukyou said. "But
we're going to show you anyway."
"Please try not to make a rash decision after reading
this," Kasumi pleaded.
[I suggest, "Please do not do anything rash..."]
"Ohhh kay....read what?" Ukyou growled and tried to
unlock her door.
[The above statement by Ukyou makes no sense in the current context,
unless of course the writer had intended it to be spoken by Ryouga. If
the writer had intended it to be spoken by Ryouga, then he should make
it clear that it is indeed Ryouga that is speaking because there are
three people in the room.]
"It's upstairs, let me get it," Ukyou unlocked the
door and went inside.
*******************************************************
MM/DD/96
The boy has been getting food at that school of his
somehow. He doesn't fight for his meals quite as
enthusiastically as he should. I wonder if they've
started serving the food free.
MM/DD/96
There is no problem, he's been fighting for his food.
The principal wanted to talk to me about my son's
belligerent behavior. From the sounds of it he has
been continually competing with some other boy.
Ryouga Hibiki, I'll have to see about this.
MM/DD/96
The boy is trying to help this Hibiki person. I
heard about his sense of direction, and apparently he
knows about it too. Everyday he lets this Ryouga
follow him to school. Actually, Hibiki shows
potential. He doesn't have the boy's speed, but he
seems to have a great deal more strength and
endurance. And he does not appreciate the boy's help.
Maybe I can work on this.
MM/DD/96
Ryouga wants one more duel with the boy before we
leave. I saw him practicing his path to the agreed on
meeting place the other day. He's on the edge, if the
boy "backs out" of this man to man fight, it might
push him over. This should be easy to do, all that is
needed is to move one of Hibiki's land marks and he
won't make it.
MM/DD/96
It worked, he didn't show up. The boy waited three
days. We would have left earlier, but I had to wait
for him to fall from exhaustion first. I can't
usually beat him in a straight on fight anymore, and
he was adamant about this. Foolish boy, he doesn't
even realize that his friend hates him. I have to get
him away from people again, he is getting some funny
ideas.
MM/DD/98
That Hibiki boy followed us to Jusenkyo, I saw him
when the boy was trying to kill me. That was lucky, I
think the boy would have caught me if I didn't put
Hibiki between us, I wonder if the boy even saw him.
I saw Hibiki later, after losing the boy, the bandana
was dead give away. Good thing too, now I know how to
reverse the curse. I should have asked about that
before coming here. Never thought to get cursed
myself. He ran off screaming about killing the boy.
This is better than I could have planned. I wish I
could have had the sweet and sour pork though.
MM/DD/98
Ryouga is making himself a proper rival now, he's
actually nearly defeated the boy several times. The
boy is still holding back though, somehow I have to
convince him to always go all out. Ryouga's also
helping with the boy's sense of honor, sooner or later
he's going to give in and tell Akane about P-Chan.
The sooner he learns that honor is a joke the better.
*******************************************************
["The sooner he learns that honor is a joke, the better." This may in
fact be the way your version of Genma views honor. The manga version
seems to be the sort of person that knows full well when he has done
something dishonorable and is embarrassed about it once he's been
caught. So, if you are going to fabricate a vile Genma, you need to do a
better job of explaining the why's and wherefore's of Genma's views on
the matter and this is a perfect spot for Genma's reasoning, or whatever
it is that passes for reasoning in the small group of ganglia which
passes for Genma's brain.]
"Aren't they going to wonder why you're gone this
long?" Ukyou asked. She watched the continually
darkening expression on Ryouga's face nervously. He
was outlined in green light that was growing ever
brighter, though it hadn't yet burst into a full aura
yet.
[Whoa! When handling dialogue with more than one person in a scene, the
writer needs to make sure that the reader can understand two things at
all times if confusion is to be safely avoided. It must always be clear
to the reader who is speaking a given bit of dialogue and to whom the
dialogue is being directed whenever it is not addressed to every
character in the scene. Of whom was Ukyou making the inquiry in the
above paragraph? The reader is required to read this brief passage at
least twice before discovering that it is Ukyou addressing Kasumi while
keeping an eye on the increasingly upset Ryouga, just now entering into
the early stages of catastrophic fulmination.]
"Nabiki is taking Akane and Ranma to a movie, and I
told them I was escorting Ryouga home," Kasumi
explained. "Father and Saotome-san can fend for
themselves for the night." Ryouga stood up.
"I need to be outside," he said in a strangely
emotionless voice. That dead voice that always
signaled a new low for his mood. "Quickly."
"Hmm...OH!" Kasumi's eyes widened momentarily.
"Certainly, it's this way, isn't it Ukyou?"
"YES!! GET HIM OUTSIDE OF MY RESTAURANT ALREADY!!!"
"Okay, follow me please," Kasumi paused, blushed
momentarily and swatted Ryouga's lower back before
leading him out of Ucchan's. Ukyou and Ryouga were
both too distracted to notice the rather
uncharacteristic act. He walked to the middle of
street, took one deep breath and then the green light
about him flared into life.
"SHI SHI HOKODAN!!!!!!!!!"
*******************************************************
"Whoa," Ranma said looking about the theatre as the
shaking subsided. "Was that an earthquake?"
"Didn't feel like it," Akane said.
"Damn cheap construction," Nabiki muttered. "I'm
going to find a new theatre."
*******************************************************
"DAMN YOU SAOTOME!!!" Ryouga shouted. He moved to
run down the street in pursuit of his prey, stretched
his muscles once, and then his feet fell out from
underneath him. "What the..."
[I had to do a treble read before I understood what happened here. I
suggest "...once, then felt his legs go numb as he fell face forward
onto the hard, gritty pavement." This gives the reader a clue as to what
Kasumi had done in the restaurant. As written, even the more astute
among us is likely to miss it and any reader who is not a die-hard Ranma
fan is going to be left completely at sea.]
"Oh my," Kasumi said, dusting off her blouse. "It
works." The sound of footsteps crunching on glass
came from behind her.
"MY WINDOWS!!!! MY DOOR!!!! LOOK AT THE CHAIRS!!!!
RYOUGA NO BAKA!!!" Ukyou, still in her boy's school
uniform stalked out of the ruined restaurant bearing
her spatula high.
"Why don't my legs�AHH!!! WHAT ARE YOU D�?" And the
spatula came down.
[Ryouga knows nothing of this trick, so he cannot possibly suspect that
Kasumi had anything to do with it, so therefore should be in a state of
abject panic prior to descent of Ukyou's spatula.]
"I don't suppose you would mind helping me carry him
inside," Kasumi said with a sigh.
"He just DESTROYED my restaurant," Ukyou protested.
"No, he damaged it," Kasumi corrected her. "I am
fairly certain I can help you with the damages."
"Do you ever get excited about anything?"
"Of course I do," Kasumi answered calmly, closing her
eyes demurely for a moment.
*******************************************************
"Hey, why don't we just go to the diner," Nabiki
suggested again. "I thought you were mad at Ukyou."
[So far as the reader knows, they _are_ mad at Ukyou and therefor would
not have suggested neither Ukyou's place, nor the Nekohanten. Nabiki is
unlikely to have suggested a diner if she too were going to eat there,
unless it were an exceptionally good diner. The real problem is however,
that someone, we know not whom, sugggested Ucchan's, when it is
obviously off-limits at the moment. A wee bit more dialogue would have
made this clearer in the reader's mind sooner, which helps the story
flow.]
"Something is going on here," Akane muttered.
"Why should you think that?" Ranma and Akane
stopped, looked at each other, and turned to face
Nabiki. "What?" Ranma and Akane started walking
again.
[In the above paragraph, it is impossible to sort out who is speaking to
whom about what. One suspects that it should be divided up into to at
least two paragraphs, possibly three.]
"Ukyou apologizes to me AND Akane, you're treating us
to dinner and a movie, and Kasumi wasn't home to make
dinner," Ranma listed off each point. "What's next?
Ryouga deciding he's not mad at me anymore?"
"He wouldn't be mad at you if you didn't�" Akane's
automatic response was cut off as they came in front
of Ucchan's.
[Wait a minute! I thought they were going to a diner?]
"What the hell happened here?" Ranma demanded as he
stepped through the shattered doorway.
~They must have told Ryouga,~ Nabiki thought to
herself. ~When I get my hands on the little PIG�~
"Hey, Ukyou!" Ranma called out.
"Is anybody here?" Akane asked.
"RANMA!!!" Ranma and both sisters were surprised
when a yellow blur seemed to appear out of nowhere and
grab the pig-tailed martial artist in what seemed to
be a bear hug. "I�m SO SORRY!!! I didn't know!!"
Akane face-faulted, Nabiki slapped her forehead, Ranma
struggled for air, and Ryouga tried to break Soun's
record for crying.
[Arrgh! Write, damn you! Write! Try this: "Akane was so stunned she
could have been knocked to the floor by waving a feather in her
direction from a distance of three-meters. Nabiki slapped her forehead
in disgust, while Ranma struggled to inhale much needed air and Ryouga
attempted to exceed Soun Tendo's record for gallon's of tears shed in a
single jag." Facefaulted? Dammit man! Go read a little Rostand! Try
reading _Cyrano_, then let us discover if you can still bear to offer
your readers the effrontery of a "facefault."]
"Oh my," a familiar voice called out. "Perhaps I
shouldn't have reversed the pressure point so soon."
"What's going on here?!" Akane demanded. A piece of
paper floated down in front of her. She was going to
ignore it, until Nabiki gasped and went for it. Akane
snatched it and started reading.
"Ryouga, you're suffocating him!" Ukyou shouted.
"Huh?" Ryouga blinked and then dropped Ranma. "Oh,
sorry." He reached back and scratched the back of his
head, smiling sheepishly.
"GAAASSP�air�"
"This is Genma's handwriting," Akane noted, somewhat
shakily. She glanced to the bottom of the page and
blinked. "Page twenty!? Where's the rest of this?"
"Scattered about my room when he blew up after
reading it," Ukyou growled pointing at Ryouga. Nabiki
glared at him.
"Hello pig," Nabiki said quietly. Ryouga
sweatdropped.
[Ryouga shuffled his feet as he grabbed at the hair on the back of his
head. His face reddened as he cast his gaze upon the floor in
embarrassment. He did _not_ "sweat drop."]
"Who are all you, and what have you done with our
real friends?" Ranma asked nervously.
"AHH!! HE CALLED ME A FRIEND!!" Ranma's eyes widened
as he leaped out of the way of another hug.
["Ranma's eyes widened as he leapt clear of yet another hug," should be
in a paragraph of its own. As placed, it makes it difficult for the
reader to determine who is speaking. On a first reading, one tends to
assume that it is Ranma who is speaking, resulting in confusion.]
"What's going on?" Ranma demanded.
"So much for the week, Nabiki," Kasumi sighed
stepping downstairs, she was sorting through a pile of
papers..
"This is still family business," Nabiki insisted.
"The police can have him later."
"What are you talking about?"
"I think I have most of it, that page Akane
has should be the last," Kasumi noted. Akane stared
at the pile of paper that the one in her hand was soon
added to.
"Umm, Ranma," Akane said. "I think you should
read that."
"What is it?" Kasumi moved to hand him the
sheaf of papers.
"He can't read it," Nabiki piped up.
"Now, Nabiki, I think it�s a little late to be
keeping this a secret," Kasumi noted.
[The above line of dialogue will get you into trouble with most editors.
Was Kasumi writing or thinking? If she was speaking "noted" should be
supplanted by the word "said."]
"No I mean he CAN'T read it," Nabiki repeated.
"As in he's unable. He can't read kanji." Ranma was
fuming.
"I CAN read kanji," he protested. Nabiki
looked at him. "Okay, I know a total of ten symbols,
happy?"
"Ranchan, you can't read," Ukyou blinked. All
that wasted effort writing on those okonomiyaki.
"How do you get through school," Akane asked.
Then she thought for a moment about Ranma's school
record. "Oh, never mind."
"Are you finished laughing at me?" Ranma
demanded. "What is the big idea about whatever is in
that?"
"I guess I'm going to have to�" Akane reached
for the bundle of papers Kasumi was holding, and was
surprised when Kasumi held them back.
"Before you read this, Akane," Kasumi
explained. "You should really have a talk with
Ryouga." The elder Tendo glanced at the lost boy who
swallowed and glanced to Ukyou pleadingly.
"You dug your own grave," the chef shrugged as
Ryouga turned to face the curious, and moderately
irritated, look on Akane's face. Akane turned back to
her sister.
[We are here witness to an exceedingly eloquent shrug. Don't be afraid
of the word said. Kami-sama knows, I have trouble with punctuation, but
at least I finally trained myself out of this one.]
"But�"
"I'll read it to Ranma," Kasumi promised her.
She looked toward Ukyou. "Do you think you can
prevent anything�unpleasant."
"I'll try," Ukyou said, a little
unenthusiastically.
"Nabiki, behave," the named sister arched an
eyebrow. "Now, I think there are still some chairs
standing upstairs. Ranma, if you please." She smiled
again and inclined her head.
[I suspect this constitutes the gross misuse of the word "named." I
suggest re-writing in a fashion similar to the following:
"Nabiki, behave!" Kasumi said, a rare note of disapproval in her
voice.
Nabiki answered her eldest sister with an insolent stare and
arched eyebrow. Kasumi very carefully ignored this voiceless reply
knowing that Nabiki would comply without being pressed any further.
"I think there are still some serviceable chairs upstairs,"
Kasumi said, "Ranma, would please..."
"Uh, sure!" Ranma said, as he glanced apprehensively at the
stairwell. Everyone was looking at him as though he were going to his
execution.]
"Uh, sure," he glanced apprehensively at the
stairwell. Everybody was looking at him like he was
going to his execution.
"What do you need to talk to me about," Akane
asked shortly, more than a little irritated that
whatever he had to say was keeping her from helping
Ranma. Ranma glanced at Ryouga suspiciously.
"Don't mind them Ranma," Kasumi instructed
him. They were settled down in Ukyou's room, there
was a desk chair and the bed. Kasumi was
double-checking the order of the pages before starting
to read when a sound drifted up from below.
"Explain to me how you're P-CHAN!!" Ranma
winced. At least he wasn't confessing his love to
her.
"Well, it looks to all be in order," Kasumi
said. "This could prove to be�painful Ranma, but
we're all here."
"Whatever," Ranma said. "Can we just get this
over with before Akane kills Ryouga?" Kasumi looked
amused at the comment, then she shook her head
slightly and sadly.
[Either Ranma, Akane, Ryouga and Kasumi are all in Ukyou's bedroom, or
Ranma and Kasumi are in Ukyou's bedroom while Akane, Ryouga and Ukyou
are downstairs hasing out the P-chan issue. The way this is written, it
seems as though everyone is in both places at one and the same time. I
did finally figure out that Ranma and Kasumi are upstairs while everyone
else is downstairs, but his is not at all clear on a first reading.
Also, you need to double check your use of tense throughout this piece.]
*******************************************************
April 2, 1986
Yesterday was the boy's fourth birthday. Now I can
begin his training. I think I can improve upon the
master's techniques. Every day and every event in his
life is going to be some training. He is going to be
the greatest martial artist of generation, and he will
prove that I am greater than Happosai. The seppuku
agreement I made with his mother will be a good
motivator for later. For now I think I'll let him
think that Nodoka is dead, or else that she abandoned
us. It might make him bitter, more aggressive, less
distracted from the art.
[Aha! Here at last we learn a little of Genma's motivation for treating
Ranma so poorly. We could have use a hint much earlier in the story and
such a hint probably would have deflected some of the more pointed
criticisms this yarn has received thus far. Still, a desire to exceed
one's teacher in the art of teaching is not, in and of itself, an evil
thing. A hint early in the yarn with details given here would be just
about perfect timing, in my aesthetic jugement.]
MM/DD/88
He still hasn't earned a meal yet. Until he manages
to protect his food I've told him he'll have to settle
for water and bread. He hunts a great deal and hides
to eat his kills. I've caught him a few times and
taken the food. Lately it's been less, either he's
stopped doing it, or he's getting better and hiding
what he's doing.
MM/DD/90
The Neko-Ken is an utter failure. Not only is the
boy now terrified a mere cats, but even when the
technique is triggered he is out of control. That is
hardly a useful technique, a pity I don't have another
child so I can start over. But he is much faster and
resistant to pain now, so perhaps it isn't a total
loss�
MM/DD/90
He's a lot less friendly now, perhaps the Neko-Ken
was a good idea after all.
MM/DD/95
The boy is an arrogant, loud-mouthed jerk. He
couldn't make friends if he tried. For some reason he
still does try. He's starting to become withdrawn and
quiet, he doesn't talk much. I can't beat him
consistently in a match any more. People are starting
to notice that he's not in school, I've been here too
long, but I still have things I need to do here. I am
going to have to enroll him school it seems, it should
solidify his dislike of society.
[Training Ranma into becoming a socio-path ill fits Genma's repeated
admonitions about the "first duty of a martial artist." Explication is
in order at this point.]
MM/DD/97
I ran across a story of some cursed training ground.
Apparently there are these pools that transform people
into various things. The boy is very adamant about
his manhood, as I've raised him to be, I read there
was a girl spring�
MM/DD/98
Found the training ground, I managed to get cursed as
well. The disobedient wretch tossed me into the
spring of drowned panda. He was actually mad after
that, however, and he wasn't holding back near as much
as he usually does. I'm glad the curse can be
reversed, thanks again to Hibiki for that revelation.
The Amazon village went about as well as can be
expected, Shampoo is a dangerous enemy it seems.
MM/DD/98
He likes Akane, he made an attempt to make friends
with her tonight. Fortunately she was sufficiently
angered upon discovering that the boy was a boy. It�s
a hopeless relationship, good thing she was chosen as
his fiancee, he won't possibly fall in love her. No
chance for a distraction from the art.
MM/DD/98
The boy is getting closer to Tendo's daughter. They
still fight, but it is beginning to sound more like a
game. Perhaps it is time for Tendo and I to enact
another matchmaking plan.
MM/DD/98
Kuno's sister is a wonderful tool. Wonderfully
insane, a definite danger that the boy has to adapt
to�.
MM/DD/98
Shampoo is trying to marry the boy now. I did not
work this hard to see him end up as breeding material.
At least Shampoo is totally brainless.
[This statement, as written, is so far out of canon that even I find it
hard to swallow. Genma's constantly professes the desire to see Ranma
sire an heir for the Ryuu. He may well not want to see said heir born in
the far-off region of Qing Hai, but he has always wanted an heir. My
theory is that Ukyou was intended all along to be a back up in case
Akane proved barren.]
MM/DD/98
Shampoo is more dangerous than I thought, her tricks
are more dangerous than Kodachi's. Protecting Akane
from her is driving Ranma to new heights.
[And the cat's tongue did not? What of Cologne's training? A great way
to smuggle hidden secrets from a rival school of martial arts, ne? A
more imaginative approach seems to be in order here.]
MM/DD/98
The Neko-ken proves useful, the boy defeated Cologne
with it. That should definitely be kept in the
regimen.
MM/DD/99
The boy hasn't learned to stop caring yet, hiding
from Nodoka is tearing him apart. This shouldn't take
too much more to drive him over the edge.
MM/DD/99
She declared him manly!! With that curse and she
claims that he's manly. She should have forced the
issue and made him give up on Bushido entirely. Manly
indeed.
[Another precise of personal opinion: Takahashi uses both Genma and
Nodoka as caricature. They, along with the entire cast are foils she
uses to satirically prick the sensibilities of Japanes society and
culture. If however, you are going to change the overall nature of the
story by treating the material in a more serious way, it is probably not
a good idea to hold Nodoka blameless for the mess in which we find Ranma
and Akane mired by the end of volume 38. Nodoka did go for her sword
again after having declared Ranma suitably manly manly in volume 36,
when Ranma began moping over Akane's absence. Only Genma's quick action
prevented her from demanding his immediate seppuku. My point is that
when you change the underlying nature of the tale, you should try to do
so in a consistent way. I have not always succeeded in this according to
some, but I do try.]
MM/DD/99
Ranma finally went full out and he KILLED A GOD!
Unfortunately I was under a spell and missed most of
the fight. It seems he was driven by his need to
protect Akane. Maybe if I threaten her life again.
The two are getting awfully close, maybe Nabiki would
be a better choice for his fiancee. She certainly
wouldn't be a distraction, I can't see anyone choosing
her over anything else. I need to take Akane out of
the picture some how, though�.
[Bwoof! A lot Genma knows about those that live around him, what? Nabiki
not a distraction? She'd make a lap dog out of him or kill him.]
*******************************************************
"Its kind of quiet up there," Akane noted.
"I wanted to neuter him," Nabiki growled.
[I sugges, "Let's just go ahead and neuter him," Nabiki said coldly,
"Ukyou? Do you happen to have a dull knife handy?"
"A dull knife?" Ryouga screamed.
"Of course!" Nabiki said quite cooly, as though discussing the
price of pork bellies with a business partner, "Castration is always
done with a dull knife. Otherwise, the pig might bleed to death."
Now Ryouga has _reason_ to "sweat-drop." Not only does Nabs have the
motivation, she seems to know how to carry the operation out properly,
which suggests of course that she studied up on the matter, because
there has been no reason to assume she has previously had reason to be
at all familiar with animal husbandry.]
Ryouga sweatdropped under her glare. He was starting to feel
a little faint from all the blood rushing to his head.
The lost boy was hanging upside-down, one foot tied
to a beam, very much like a piece of ham or pork.
[Ham is pork. I suggest "...like a ham."]
Okay. I think by now I have dealt you more than enough misery,
Thyth. I did not do this to be mean or cruel. I would not have bothered
had I thought it not worth the effort. You show ever sign of having a
lively imagination, which is more important to writing a story than
anything else.
The clouds and rain schtick was a source of much amusement for me,
and I wish I had thought of it first. In my opinion, this story has
some real potential, but you need to work on your mechanics a bit and
quit trying to jam ten pounds of story into five-pound paragraphs. Go
ahead write more than you need. It's easier to cut stuff out than it is
to create, so create with abandon and cut later.
Regards,
Don Granberry.