"Douglas MacDougall" <dougmacd@dougmacd.net> wrote:
"Ah, high-spirited Akane." The two teenagers turned their glares
away from each other and came upon a sight never before seen by martial
artist eyes. Happosai was in his room reclining on a pillow, holding a
tall glass of iced tea with a little paper parasol. He wore sandals,
bright pastel swimming trunks, a Hawaiian print shirt, and a pair of
stylish sunglasses.
PRINCIPAL KUNO: Ey! Stop rippin' off my schtick, brudda!
It seems odd to me that Happy just decided to sit down and have an extended
mostly-friendly conversation with Ranma and Akane, and that Ranma and Akane just
decided to listen. I know you want to introduce the idea that Happy could be
Akane's real father, but you might want to either shorten his speech and just
have him hint at it, or introduce this idea in a different way.
"Yes, your mother was like an intense flame, burning brightly with
the fires of life. Your father saw that energy and was drawn to it like
a moth. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, if you come too close to the
flame, you get burned. Normally, Soun didn't mind; a few 'burns' were
no price to remain the presence of the beautiful light, but...
to remain in the presence
Also, 'no price' isn't quite the right expression. 'not much of a price,'
perhaps.
"I must say your mother was a vision of beauty, Akane. And with two
equally beautiful children. Nabiki was still a baby, just a few months
old. And Kasumi...
Your mother tried to be the respectful hostess, but couldn't keep
Missing quotemark.
Ranma next word followed Akane's shriek.
Ranma's
He swallowed. A few months ago they had found out that Shampoo was
Happosai's great-granddaughter, and she was as perverted as him, now.
as him now. (spurious comma)
He was instantly all compassion and sympathy. "What is it Akane?
it, Akane?
"What, you and pop really did hide from your wives?"
Pop (caps)
Horror overtook her yet again as he quickly looked for wounds on
P-Chan, but didn't find any. There was just a spot of blood on his
nose. Had she squeezed him too tight?
She was finally able to calm her fears when she recognized that it
was just P-Chan's nose-bleed problem. Whenever she held him close to
her chest, he...
AKANE: P-chan's a *pervert!* This must mean--
HAPPOSAI: Yes, it's true. It all started during my brief but torrid affair with
Miss Piggy....
The boy turned to face him, a little nervous. "Huh? What is it,
old man?"
"You've killed Tendo!"
GENMA: You bastard!
"B- But the schools! We were supposed to join them. If Akane
isn't... If she..." His intense eyes turned to his son. "Who's the
father, Boy?"
Boy probably shouldn't be capitalized. It's not a name, it's a description. He's
saying that Ranma is *a* boy.
A sinking feeling came over Genma. Now that he thought about it,
he, his son, and Tendo were all in Happosai's room. The only person not
present was Happosai, himself. But there was an ominously shaped hole
Happosai himself. (spurious comma)
"She's not a monster, either!"
monster either!" (same here)
For the n'th time that afternoon, she tugged at her shirt, trying to
nth (not a contraction, so no apostrophe)
There was something about the tone of her voice that caught Ukyo's
attention. She must have been really out of it to have run into her
without noticing. "You okay, Sugar?" She offered her hand to help
Again, things like "sugar" and "honey" are descriptions, not names, and IMO
shouldn't be capitalized.
What was this? Ukyo found herself slightly excited. Had Akane done
something to screw up her engagement to Ranma? She licked her lips,
trying to get more information. If they really were headed towards
spiltsville... "What makes you say that?"
splitsville....
Ukyo lifted her baseball cap up just enough to scratch her head,
without letting any of the hair fall out. "How's that a problem? What,
are you doing to turn into a sex fiend or something?" She giggled.
are you going to
Ukyo gets to the real truth a little too quickly here, I think. You could get
some good comedy out of it if she jumped to a wrong conclusion first.
Indeed, Akane was shaking her head in denial. "But it won't be like
that! I won't turn into a hussy! I'm not going to turn in Shampoo!"
turn into Shampoo!"
SHAMPOO: Really? Akane not turn in Shampoo to police for stealing panties? Akane
is such good friend!
Ukyo blinked. "Why would you turn into Sham..." Understanding
dawned. "Your relative. It's Happosai, isn't it?" Her chest felt cold
with fear.
"It doesn't seem possible, does it?" He gave a half-hearted laugh,
laced with hysteria. "I can't imagine what was going through Mother's
head..."
Isn't Akane surprised that this stranger knows who Happosai is, not to mention
Shampoo's association with him?
"Wait! Don't go! You must avoid her! What if she forces hot,
passionate sex on you? What if you get her pregnant?!" Panic edged
At first glance I read the last line as "What if you get pregnant?!" :)
"He thinks he's beaten me, but he's fallen prey to Anything Goes
Martial Arts Reverse Psychology! Foolish boy!"
Heh. Very Genma-ish plan. And of course, it goes wrong. :)
Tendo's only response was to shake his head side to side in some
fevered dream. Genma was slightly annoyed, feeling the need for a
partner to celebrate. "Hey, wake up!"
"Mmm," he moaned, still unconscious. "Why, Dear? Why did it have
dear (see previous)
Unless, maybe she'd WANTED to be fooled? She'd let herself think of
Ukyo as a boy, because if he grabbed the chest of a man, it wouldn't be
if she
perverted.
It wouldn't? :)
RANMA: So if I grabbed your chest, Akane....
AKANE: Don't even think about it!
"Wh- What?" He nervously pushed Ukyo back, keeping his hands on her
shoulders.
"Akane! She's Happosai's daughter! She grabbed my boob!" She
KONATSU: It's true! I was standing there, and Akane reached at me, and....
UKYO: ...
She gazed up into his eyes with glistening eyes. "O- Okay."
Can you reword this so that you don't repeat "eyes?"
He refrained from mentioning that it might have started, anyway.
Her logic about stripping lots of girls to make sure she WASN"T a
WASN'T
His speech stopped short as his head impacted the floor. Expect for
Except
After all, she'd gotten better after that nice old man had visited.
He had shown her how she could channel her excess energy and distribute
it outside of her body. She'd used it on Doctor Tofu, and the normally
calm doctor had become much more fun and lively!
She pouted, ever so slightly. He was too busy for her to see these
days.
But she'd found a solution. When she went out shopping, she'd leak
out small amounts of her excess energy to the passers-by. Not too much,
but since there were so many people, she burned off her always-growing
desire to run around and jump and yell and grab and throw Doctor Tofu to
the floor--
Oops. She blushed. Tomorrow she'd have to make sure to let out a
little more energy. Humming a little song to herself, she hoped the
people of Nerima appreciated the contributions she was giving them.
This probably isn't the best way to introduce this little quirk of Kasumi. We
get told about it, rather than shown it in action. IMO, you could write a scene
of about the same length where she actually *uses* her energy on someone, and we
get to see the effects, and it probably wouldn't have to be much longer than
this.
All in all, a definite improvement on the descriptions from the last chapter.
Still dialog-heavy in some parts, but not so much that it causes any huge
problem for me. Looking forward to seeing more of your stuff whenever you get
the chance to write more.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html