"Douglas MacDougall" <dougmacd@dougmacd.net> wrote:
(This is a repost of a fic originally titled "Unseen World.")
For the record, this is the first time I've read it, though I've heard about it
from Doug.
While the events portrayed in this story are original, they present,
for the [second] time in a fan fiction, the true, untold background
stories of Ranma 1/2, as described by Rukimo Tashahaki herself in an
exclusive interview!
Pull the other one. :)
"It was horrible! He wore the darkness as if it were cloak, and
it were a cloak, (missing word)
moved like a cat! His feet found purchase anywhere, but did not make a
NABIKI: Big deal. I can find purchases anywhere too.
"Since it didn't like it was going to be a very interesting fight, I
decided to end it quickly with a Fire Burst. Unfortunately, he batted
it out of the air like a ball of yarn and back at me! Of course, I was
We're really pushing the cat analogy here. :)
"No need to be rude, Ranma." Happosai bludgeoned him with smoking
with his smoking
pipe. "Anyway, the burglar had started to tie me up when I woke-- (that
is), when I snapped out of my meditative state. The fool had fallen
Happy's little prevariacations are funny, but don't overdo it. The one here is
basically just a repeat of the one two paragraphs previous.
Nabiki looked at him with half-lidded eyes. "And how will you
protect Kasumi and me if you're off with Akane? We're not martial
artists. How will we protect ourselves if the panty thief finds this
house full of beautiful, young maidens, all alone... Unprotected?"
Don't capitalize 'unprotected.' It's not a new sentence.
Soun was still upset. "Akane, are you sure you won't stay here?"
"No way!"
"But I can't just leave your daughters alone, Akane..."
AKANE: My WHAT?
SOUN: Er... I was going to tell you. It's a time paradox thing.
Ranma realized something. "Hey!" He glared as Akane.
at Akane.
Akane grinned. Maybe he could learn, after all. The party
consisted of about twenty people. Everyone in the Tendo household
people: everyone
The two bolted off, leaving the rest of the party confused. Ukyo
was berating herself for falling for one of Genma's stupid tricks, and
everyone else was wondering whom Ranma and Akane were talking about.
While 'whom' *is* technically grammatically correct, it sounds oddly stilted
here, especially with the technically incorrect construction (preposition at the
end of the phrase). Suggest either changing it to 'who' or rephrasing as
something like: 'was wondering to whom Ranma and Akane were referring.'
A solid crack of knuckle against bone could be heard below.
"Akane?!" Ranma immediately jumped back down to where he had heard the
noise. He landed at the other end of the alleyway, which was lit by a
streetlight, above. Stark shadows were everywhere.
streetlight above. (Don't need the comma)
It's... It's okay, Akane," mumbled Ryoga. He was rubbing the back
of his head, still a little confused about what was going on. "Wait a
minute. hat's this about a panty thief?" He turned to glare at Ranma.
What's
"This new underwear thief might try to steal Ak- Akane's... p- p-"
"P-Chan?" Ranma supplied.
Heh.
A person was approaching them from the other end of he alleyway.
the
Hidden within the shadows between the two buildings, only their
silhouette could be seen. A silhouette carrying something large over
Suggest: 'only a silhouette could' ('their' should not be used in the
singular)
"You've always been able to beat the Master. And after training
under him for so long you've picked up his perver--" his commentary was
cut off by a quick blow to the head from his teacher.
His (caps, since it's a new sentence)
He blinked. "They're bigger then I remem--" Ryoga slammed a fist
into Ranma's head.
"You PERVERT! Stop molesting Akane!!!"
Suggest moving Ryoga's action to the paragraph in which he speaks.
"Let me go, you idiot, he's getting away!" He kicked his legs free
and Got up. He paused a moment to find the thief again, and started
got (no caps)
running, redoubled his speed. He moved so fast that it really seemed
redoubling
Ranma grinned. He might be stuck fighting with two idiots, but
there was no way a pervert was going to run away from his "haul". They
had him, now.
him now.
She quickly went into a back stance. Her left arm and leg were
forward, her right leg below her and right hand held to her chest, she
only presented her side as a target to the thief. Unfortunately her
Unfortunately, her
"Yaaa!" Startled, he failed to keep his center of gravity under
himself, and face-planted into pavement. Akane ran over to him, making
sure to stay in a fighting stance. Instead of protecting her chest,
however, her back hand clutched P-Chan to her bosom. With her forward
leg she booted Ranma.
leg, she (you can never have too many commas. :))
Mu-Mu Chan woke up an quickly scampered away from the scary-looking
and
...and P-Chan clawed viciously at the thief's face. The mask was
pulled down to the thief's throat, and the kerchief was unknotted. A
cascade of silky lavender hair fell out of the kerchief and down the
thief's back.
And of course, seeing the anime haircolor does nothing to help them identify the
person. Hey, it never did in the original series! :)
"I- It's not what it looks like Akane..."
like, Akane...."
"Uh, I'm sure Shampoo was just being bait. You know, pretend to be
another panty thief like Happosai and lure the thief out into another
fight. Right, Shampoo?"
Ranma said this, I presume?
Cologne continued her story. "As is the way of things, we had a
child but nine months later." The group shuddered. Better to leave
thoughts of the wrinkled mummy unspoken! "Happosai left during his
girl's childhood, and the village was glad that his influence was gone.
My daughter was a powerful martial artist, who soon grew up, married,
and bore Shampoo's mother. She died in childbirth.
COLOGNE'S DAUGHTER: Have I told you about my collection of grass blades? Oh, and
did you know I can recite the digits of pi to a hundred decimal places? Three
point one four one....
SHAMPOO'S MOTHER: Zzzzzzz....
"So my grand-daughter, Shampoo's mother, had grabbed another warrior
during a fight it a... compromising position. No one thought much of
it, other then to think she was being a little cruel to use such a
distracting tactic. Still, all it fair in the art of war. But she
all is fair
"Hey!" shouted Akane. "Excuse me?" added Ukyo.
Suggest making this two paragraphs, for two different speakers.
"Indeed, Tendo." nodded Genma. Ukyo blinked. Where had he come
Tendo." Genma nodded. (He's not nodding the line of dialog)
from?
Akane had finally managed to pour some water on Shampoo and dump her
in a wicker basket. Ranma eyed the shifting basket warily as sounds of
a cat yowling and sharpening her claws could be heard from within.
"Well, that's one less 'fiancee' Ranma has to deal with," Akane smiled.
with." (You can't smile a line of dialog, unless you're Jimmy Carter. :)
"Yeah!" chimed in Ukyo. "My Ranchan's not going to marry a
pervert!"
"Yes," confirmed Akane, staring meaningfully at the crossdresser.
Heh heh!
MIKE RHEA: Crossdresser? What,is Tsubasa or Konatsu here?
"I don't understand it, Khu-Lon. All the younger amazons have
become exceedingly violent of late. They perceive insult at the
slightest thing, and give each other Kisses of Death. But when they
fight, they don't use weapons, and they never strike, or use joint locks
or throws. All they do is grab each other. I don't understand it,
Ku-Lon. What could it be?"
You've used two different spellings of Ye Olde Ghoul's name in the same
paragraph. (The canon Pinyin romanization is Ke Lun, FYI.)
If you could call what she was doing dealing with the problem.
Sometimes she thought she should have just drugged Son-in-Law and
dragged him back China. Shampoo could have her way with him before
back to China.
Overall impressions: You're relying rather heavily on dialog to carry your
scenes. The actual description of the action is fairly skimpy, and some of the
scenes aren't all that clear, or at least weren't in my mind when I was reading.
More direct description would help, IMO.
Shampoo as Happosai's descendant is not hard to believe. What's a bit less
palatable for me is that perversion is inherited. I can accept it for the sake
of the story if necessary, and it does lead to some interesting changes in the
character relationships, but it takes a lot away from Happy's character to think
that his perversion is simply genetic and there isn't some interesting reason
for it in his background.
On to the next chapter now, and let's see how much Doug's writing has improved
in the last two years or so. :)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html