Heya, Rainman.
Overall, the phrasing in this chapter is rather stilted. I'm going to
write alternate ways of saying the same things, so you can see the
difference. They're just intended to give you some ideas about how the
paragraphs could be made more readable, not as actual substitutions.
About the idea: It's an interesting concept, but where can it go? Given
that Akane can't be a girl again, it seems like you've removed the central
tension between her and Ranma. That is, resolving whether or not they want
to be married regardless of the opinions of the people around them. You've
very effectively removed Akane as one of the love interests, unless Ranma
has secret homophilic tendencies... an idea that I, for one, am not
interested in exploring. The same goes for a male Akane/ female Ranma
matchup. That's been done dozens of times, and done well, but (speaking
solely for myself) it's not the kind of story I get into. I guess I'm kind
of straightlaced in my romantic viewpoint. ^_~
I suppose you pretty much have to change the engagement over to one of
the other Tendo girls, but will that really be a good thing this deep in the
series? Are you going to propose that there is a cure for Akane out there
somewhere? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
No sooner than he had said those words, memories flooded before his eyes.
He
was fighting against Toma, the boy prince who had kidnapped Kasumi,
Nabiki,
Shampoo, Ukyou, and last, but not least, Akane in preparation for choosing
a
bride. Thing had gotten bad in the race for Akane on the mine carts, then
degenerated into worse; he and Akane had flipped out of the cart and
plummet
towards the permanent man-changing water pool far below.
"No sooner had he said the words, than memories flooded his mind. He
was fighting against Toma, the boy prince who had kidnapped Kasumi, Nabiki,
Shampoo, Ukyou, and Akane in preparation for choosing a bride. Things had
been bad in the race for Akane on the mine carts; then they'd become even
worse as he and Akane were flipped out of one of the carts, to plummet
toward the pool of magical water far below. The water was supposed to
change anyone soaked with it into a man, permanently. For Ranma, it was his
hope of salvation, of being able to stay male once and for all. But for
Akane, it was damnation.
So he'd been ready to throw it all away for her. No way could he let
those waters trap her in an unnatural masculine life, despite his
desperation to finally be cured of his own curse. Ignoring Akane's plea,
telling him not to worry about her and just let himself be cured, he'd
charged up to release a Mouko Takabisha and obliterate the pool."
However, the situation, which was thought to not be able to get any worse,
grew even more dire. Just as he started to release the yellow beam of ki,
his arms were yanked to one side, sending the energy to carve a deep
groove
along the wall. Furious, he glared to the source of the disruption...
...and found himself meeting Akane's teary, smiling eyes.
"However, just when he'd thought the situation couldn't get any worse,
it did. Just as he released the yellow beam of ki, his arms were yanked
aside, sending the energy to carve a useless groove along the wall of the
shaft."
Is furious the right word? He knows that the only person falling with
him is Akane, so the connection isn't hard to make. I'd think he'd feel
shocked.
He didn't have the luxury of being stunned or puzzled at the moment; it
was
life or death now. Everything else had to take the backseat. He summoned
confidence into the palm of his hands with the waters so close, too close
for
comfort. "Moukou Takabisha!!" Ranma cried out, successfully firing the
yellow beam into the surface of the liquid mirror below them, detonating
the
bottom of the pool, which would result in the loss of his cure. At least
Akane would be-
The expression is "take a back seat".
The water suddenly surged up, as if in an act of defiance, and Ranma
realized
that he made a critical miscalculation. The void that the Moukou
Takabisha
left in its wake had to be refilled immediately by natural laws, and the
force of the ki blast had created a large void. Thinking quickly, he
tried
to shield Akane's body with his own from the impending spout that
violently
rose up to greet them both. He felt a warm wetness engulf him, and then
nothing.
"The water suddenly surged up, as if in a final act of defiance. Ranma
realized that he'd made a critical miscalculation. The wake of the Mouko
Takabisha had left a vacuum, and by natural law, something had to fill the
void... He quickly tried to use his body to shield Akane from the
waterspout rising violently to greet them. With a force like that of
slamming into a wall, he felt the liquid engulf him, and then blacked out."
"Violent pervert girl stuck as boy? Shampoo want off island now!"
Where does this reaction come from? Shampoo should be overjoyed; it's
one less competitor, as far as she's concerned.
"What foul magicks hath thee cast upon the beatific Akane Tendo,
Hounorless
Sorcerer?! And what hath becometh of the pigtailed girl?"
"honorless"
"More importantly, you destroyed our only chance at getting a cure! How
dare
you be so greedy Saotome?!"
"How dare you be so greedy, Saotome?"
"It's...I choose to get cursed. For Ranma's sake."
"I chose to be cursed"
"Yes. That is something we all would like to know," Cologne said, tapping
a
smoking pipe on the heel of her tiny foot before taking a deep drag off
it.
"Why would you choose to sacrifice your femininity for his benefit?"
Is Cologne smoking the pipe, or checking to see if it's clear? When you
knock a pipe against something, it's usually to clear ashes or old tobacco
out of it, so that it draws properly next time you load it.
He didn't look up. "You're an idiot. For giving up your girliness for
me.
That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen anyone ever do. It's even
dumber
than oyaji teaching me nekoken."
Girliness? That's a strange word...
He was hurt, as well as angered, by his words. Akane balled up a fist out
of
reflex to slug him across the mystical island. See if she would do
something
nice for him again!
You're going back and forth between "he" and "she" for Akane. Also, the
first sentence would still be referring to Ranma because you haven't changed
the subject of the sentence yet from the previous paragraph. In effect, you
said "Ranma was hurt and angered by his own words".
"...thank you."
His anger deflated, replaced by confusion. "Wha?"
"What?" Akane isn't dazed, so there's no reason why she wouldn't say
the complete word.
"Well...it feels good so far."
Eh? This is a weird reaction for Akane. She's in a male body for the
first time, with its different hormones, weight distribution, hips, and the
sensitive external parts girls just don't have. I just can't see her
feeling at all comfortable so soon. It should take months for her to come
to terms with the change! Heck, just having the hormone imbalances of a
teenage boy should have her clawing at the trees. She doesn't have any
experience with the sensory and emotional overloads guys have to deal with
at that age. While teenage girls have similar hormone problems, they have a
different physiological effect.
For reasons unknown to even the modern sciences, it rained over the island
without warning. A minute later, it subsided, leaving most of those
caught
in its path drenched, or, for the Jusenkyou-cursed factions, changed.
And what happens to Ryouga? He was near Ranma and Akane.
"Mmm...true. It didn't help that the man-changing water use to be known
as a
cursed hot springs. Its waters could only change the outside form. Not
the
same thing as canceling out a curse."
This explanation is unclear. Are you trying to say that the pool was a
hot spring, so it only affected the "hot water" side of Ranma's curse?
Ja mata,
LarryF
http://lwf58.tripod.com