Subject: [FFML] Re: [ffml][bgc]Rain in the Shadows, pt. 2
From: "Brian Payne" <sofaspud@sofaspud.org>
Date: 8/3/2000, 3:41 PM
To: "Jerico E. Mele" <jmele@brandeis.edu>, <ffml@fanfic.com>



    Other than some word choice issues, I can't find much to criticize here.
I like it! :)

    More comments after the fic.


[snip]
I snapped out of my daze, eyes greeted by a pale haired bubble
of cute. "Nene, I thought I told you not to call me that," I
said through grated teeth. I stepped into the elevator and tried

    Er... 'grated'?  Should be 'gritted'.


[snip]
reached my floor so I started out the door. "You know Nene, you
really ought watch what you eat."

    ought -> oughta OR ought to


[snip]
I met Wong at the indoor garden near the cafeteria. Originally
designed as a traditional Japanese garden, it had changed itself
into a mini-park for policemen on their brakes. A couple of the

    brakes -> breaks


[snip]
"Possible rouge boomer in Gomi district, investigating."

    Ah.  So, the boomer is into cosmetics, is it?

    ;)

    The word you want is 'rogue'.  'Rouge' is a type of cosmetic.


[snip]
thing wasn't actively chasing or damaging anything, despite the
number of cars burning on the street. Its path has seemed almost

    has -> had


[snip]
"Maybe. That was a much more extensive physical change than
I've seen in any rouge boomers," I said, leaving that last time

    rouge -> rogue (again :)


    Very nice work, overall.  I like the gritty feel.  I'm assuming this is
based on BGC 2040, yes?

    Also - WHERE CAN I FIND THE FIRST CHAPTER?!? :)

    Keep it up!


    Brian Payne
    sofaspud@sofaspud.org
    http://www.sofaspud.org



-- .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---. | Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'