Other than some word choice issues, I can't find much to criticize here.
I like it! :)
More comments after the fic.
[snip]
I snapped out of my daze, eyes greeted by a pale haired bubble
of cute. "Nene, I thought I told you not to call me that," I
said through grated teeth. I stepped into the elevator and tried
Er... 'grated'? Should be 'gritted'.
[snip]
reached my floor so I started out the door. "You know Nene, you
really ought watch what you eat."
ought -> oughta OR ought to
[snip]
I met Wong at the indoor garden near the cafeteria. Originally
designed as a traditional Japanese garden, it had changed itself
into a mini-park for policemen on their brakes. A couple of the
brakes -> breaks
[snip]
"Possible rouge boomer in Gomi district, investigating."
Ah. So, the boomer is into cosmetics, is it?
;)
The word you want is 'rogue'. 'Rouge' is a type of cosmetic.
[snip]
thing wasn't actively chasing or damaging anything, despite the
number of cars burning on the street. Its path has seemed almost
has -> had
[snip]
"Maybe. That was a much more extensive physical change than
I've seen in any rouge boomers," I said, leaving that last time
rouge -> rogue (again :)
Very nice work, overall. I like the gritty feel. I'm assuming this is
based on BGC 2040, yes?
Also - WHERE CAN I FIND THE FIRST CHAPTER?!? :)
Keep it up!
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org