"James M. Zema" wrote:
Another chapter in a story I enjoyed alot the first time around, so
I'll see if I can't give a little useful C&C. I generally find it
easier to do technical C&C, with some interspersed commentary upon
the story itself, hopefully it will be useful. All of this is my
opinion only, by the way.
Thanks for the comments, and for liking the story. :)
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"I'm the goddess Skuld. C'mon, make a wish, I don't have all day, you
know."
# You can tell she's a people person :)
And you ain't seen nothing yet... ^_^
'This has got to be a joke. Yeah, that's right, Tamiya must've sent her here
to make fun of me because they think I'm such a loser with girls,' Keiichi
thought dejectedly.
# You might want to introduce Keiichi properly earlier, using
his name out of the blue here seems kind of jarring.
There are certain points in the story where I'm trying to surprise
people. I generally leave enough hints to guess the answer beforehand.
She instantly had to move the phone away, lest she lose her hearing. For
some time the only things that came over the lines were loud sobbing and
incoherent mumbling. Eventually, the goddess had enough.
# "were loud sobbing" should probably be either "was loud
sobbing" or "were loud sobbing sounds"
The 'were' refers to both 'sobbing' and 'mumbling', so I think it
shouldn't be replaced by 'was.
"Oh, so I wasn't even your first choice, huh?" Urd asked, her anger
rising.
# To tell the truth, I would think this would be more teasing
upon Urd's part then really angry. She always struck me as
a pretty happy-go-lucky person.
Well, she does get angry quickly at Skuld. Urd might not really mean it,
but then again, I never said she did.
Urd emerged from the television set of the Morisato family, and her eyes
boggled up at the scene displayed in front of her. Skuld sat teary eyed near
a phone, while the only other resident of the room was a fourteen-year-old
boy. And a shy one, by his looks and the nosebleed he was desperately trying
to stop, albeit unsuccessfully.
# Keiichi should be more like 18 years old, or if you're going to
set this earlier the reference to Tamiya should probably be
taken out. Keiichi's smart, but I don't think he's good enough
to be going to college at the age of 14.
Keiichi is 14 years old in the fic, and he's not in college. Also, since
I've already tweaked quite a bit of the OMG timeline, I see no reason
why Tamiya-sempai can't be his friend in junior high.
"Alright! I didn't know the kid had it in him! He sure doesn't look much at
the first glance..." Urd said, looking the teenager over. Already not at his
best, Keiichi started feeling very self-conscious.
# "look much" should probably be "look like much", although with
the way he's trying to keep his eyes off Urd the former might
fit, too. :)
^_^
'Maybe I'll even get lucky enough to spot Ranma, if he decides to take a
walk in another district!' she fantasized, dreams of tearing his body limb
by limb in the most painful way possible taking over her.
# That's just disturbing for a goddess, how'd she get the position
anyway? :) I'm really gettting curious as to what exactly Ranma
did to provoke the Norns anyway.
It is explained... eventually.
Looking at Skuld's eager and rather maniacal expression, Ryoga mused to
himself, 'Hmm, that idiot Kuno was right about all that vengeance of Heaven
stuff. Who'd have thought...'
# I liked this line alot :)
BTW, expect more of Kuno in this fic.
"Now, we can begin!" Skuld shouted excitedly, while pressing the big red
button on her remote... and nothing happened. Frustrated, the goddess
continued to push the button several times, until the machine coughed and
all power went out in the Morisato home.
# That's probably a bad sign :) I imagine Keiichi's parents are
going to be a tad upset when the electrical bill comes in :)
When they return from their vacation, that is. And who are they,
anyway? ^_^
"Let's get you electrocuted multiple times and then see how long it
takes you to recover!" Ryoga shot back, annoyed.
# Actually he was only electrocuted once. Mind you it was for a
long time and was likely very painful, but it was still once ;)
First Skuld electrocuted Ryoga with her device, and then Urd shot him
with lightning. Not to mention that Skuld's device electrocuted him
multiple times all over his body.
"What makes him different, you might ask?" Urd took a small break,
before continuing. "How about trying to cause Ragnarok, for starters?"
# I suppose that could kind of annoy a few people :) There has
to be something else though, Urd and Skuld are taking this
pretty personally. I'm looking forward to finding out exactly
what Ranma could have done to get that response.
Hmm, might this have anything to do with Belldandy? I wonder...
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Overall I enjoyed the story. Some of the characters traits seem
a bit exagerated, particularly Skuld with the hammer, but most
of the characters are like that, so I'm willing to accept it as
the way the story is being told. I'll look forward to reading
the rest of this when it comes out.
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-James M. Zema
-http://gozips.uakron.edu/~zema/ranma.html
-E-mail: zema@uakron.edu
I know Skuld might seem a bit... overzealous... but she has a reason to
be. It's much worse than some human boy keeping her sister on Earth in
canon, after all. ^_^
Anyway, I'm glad you liked the story and all. I hope the next chapters
of Wrath of Gods prove to be entertaining as well.
Corwin