See y'all at Otakon Friday, and the panel Saturday.
- Lara
Inspired by the never-ending march of ANC pilots. The ANC
in this is based on the typical overpowered ANC; any resemblance
to any person(s) is purely coincidence.
The Perfect Pilot
by Lara Bartram
The boy stepped off the plane and shielded his eyes at the bright sun.
Finally he had arrived in Tokyo-3. Finally, he would get to pilot one of
the awesome Evangelions.
"This is going to kick ass," he said to himself, letting a huge grin
escape.
A small group of what he assumed were NERV security approached him. "ID?"
the one in the lead asked him.
Whipping out his identification card, he flashed a charming smile. "As
you can see, that's me. I'm Gouman Ben!"
The head man in navy blue nodded and returned the card. "Come with us and
we'll escort you to headquarters."
"Excellent!"
***
"If you're not the welcoming committee, tell them to forget it!"
Misato straightened up and glared at the... child who had just spoken to
her. How was it her fault that her dress was tight and too low-cut so
when she dropped her change and bent over to pick it up, there was a view
straight into her cleavage? "Don't tell me," she said dully, "that you're
the new pilot."
"I am!" He flashed a charming smile at her.
Misato felt ill. "Where the hell is the commander finding these rejects?"
she mumbled. "All right, come on," the major said and waved her hand at
him before walking away.
Ben flashed a 'V' sign before trotting after the major. "So... where
will I be living?"
Misato rolled her eyes. "In some suitable accommodations."
"I heard the Third Child got to live with you. Will I get to live with
you?"
She could almost hear the greasy smile slither onto his face. "Not in
your dreams, kid."
"Aww, but I bet we could get to be real good friends."
"No."
"But I--"
"No."
"You--"
"No."
"I--"
"No."
*Oh yeah, she wants me.*
***
"This is the new pilot."
Ritsuko looked at the boy and wrinkled her nose when he wiggled his
eyebrows at her. "Get into the entry plug, kid."
Ben sat in the entry plug after changing into his well-cut and
tightly fitting plugsuit, no doubt just so all the women could admire his
assets, and waited.
"This kid needs to get fixed."
Misato nodded as Ritsuko lit a cigarette. "Where the hell is the
commander getting these kids? Every single one of them is fucked in the
head in some way. If they're not a sniveling wimp, they're some
uber-perv."
"Uber-perv?"
"I got it from Asuka."
"Ah. Well, let's see how well he likes being drowned in LCL. Don't say
anything." Ritsuko switched on the comm. "We're beginning the LCL
injection."
As the liquid began to swirl around his feet, Ben started to get a
little nervous. It rose to his knees. "Hey, how high is this orange
stuff supposed to get?" he asked as sweat rolled down his head.
"Play along," Ritsuko said to Misato before she responded. "If
he doesn't know about LCL, then... we'll give him a crash course." She
flicked on the comm. "Orange stuff? What orange stuff?"
"Er... this orange stuff that's filling up the entry plug."
Misato had to cover her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
"Orange... Oh my God! Quick! Misato! Another error! Call the
emergency crews! He's only got minutes before the plug fills! He'll
drown!"
Misato couldn't answer for fear of breaking down into hysterics.
"Stop panicking, Misato!" Ritsuko barked like she had participated in this
scenario before. "Keep cool or we'll lose the pilot! Ben, how long can
you hold your breath?"
Ben, who was now tilting his head back as the LCL climbed up his neck,
answered, "I don't know!" After that, he took a deep breath of air and
held it. Soon after, he was fully submerged in the LCL.
Ritsuko sat down in her chair and began to file her nails.
"You are one mean bitch, Ritsuko."
"You're just upset you didn't think of it first." The scientist shared an
evil grin with her friend.
Ten minutes later, after Ben had passed out, they decided to fish him out.
***
The next day, in Commander Ikari's office, the two women had shared
looks of hostility on their faces.
"I have to protest the choice of this new pilot," Ritsuko began.
"And why is that?"
"If I may speak frankly, he's a complete prick."
Misato added her two cents. "Yeah."
"That is hardly any reason to dismiss him as a pilot," Gendo responded
calmly.
"He was hitting on me! He's half my age!" Misato retorted shrilly.
Ritsuko nodded. "Me too."
Gendo sat for a bit, then nodded. "You're dismissed. I will deal with
him personally."
The next day, Gendo called the new pilot into his office. Fuyutsuki was
mysteriously absent.
"You wanted to see me, sir?"
Gendo stood. "Yes." He began unbuckling his belt.
Ben watched nervously. "Er... I'm totally heterosexual!"
Gendo looped the belt in his hands, which were without his typical gloves.
"This is the problem," he stated.
Eyes on the belt, Ben started to back away. "I never touched her! She
threw a drink in my face! She said I had a small penis! She had to wash
her hair! I still lived with my mother!"
The pathetic excuses fell on upon deaf ears as Gendo approached the boy,
the belt in his hands creaking ominously.
***
A little whippin' had never deterred him before, and it wouldn't this
time either. He just had to keep it within his age range, like the
commander had said. Or else.
"You're the First Child, right?"
"Yes."
"Ever considered dating a co-worker?"
Rei removed something from her pocket. She held it up, pointed it in
Ben's face and depressed the button on it, blasting him with mace.
***
He had to keep it in his age range and without the personal chemical
protection.
"You're from Germany."
Asuka tried to ignore him.
"I love red hair. It's so sexy, Asuka Langely."
Asuka stopped and whirled around. "_What_ did you say?"
Ben's eyes shifted left and right. "Um, it's sexy?"
"No, after that."
"Asuka Langely?"
Asuka growled. "That is not my name. I _hate_ it when people call me
that! I HATE IT!"
Ben backed away quickly. "At least Ayanami only shot me with mace..."
"What? Wondergirl is better than I am? Is that what you're
saying?" Before he could reply, Asuka flew at him with a devastating kick
and knocked him back against the wall.
"But I... your file said you didn't know martial arts," he said weakly,
spitting out a tooth.
"Things change." She kicked him in the nads for good measure and walked
away.
***
Women were nothing but trouble, especially in NERV. Maybe the whole
homosexuality thing wasn't so bad. And Shinji was kinda cute in an
androgynous way...
"Hey, Shinji," he said in the shower.
Shinji screeched like a woman and whipped around with his bar of
soap-on-a-rope and brutally smashed Ben right in the face with it. The
Tabris incident had made the shower a not safe place to converse with the
younger Ikari.
Maybe I'll just give up sex, Ben thought to himself as he collapsed on
the floor. Damn, I'm still a virgin...
End