platypus3333
platypus3333@yahoo.com
www.evasource.net
my primary goal in writing this story was to achieve a sense of grand
scale chaos. please tell me if i've succeeded.
please C&C. I WANT C&C. I LOVE C&C. C&C IS MY FRIEND.
i stole some concepts from my own pokemon fanfic. don't hate me.
---
Tracks 3: Meaningless Tracks
---
Prologue
---
"So... let me get this straight."
"Okay."
"You think the meaning of life is that there is no meaning."
"Yes."
"And, at the same time, you attempt to run away from this very
same lack of meaning."
"Yes."
"But... that, in itself, is meaningless under your theory."
"Yes."
"So your entire life is meaningless."
"Yes."
Asuka took a sip of orange juice. "You're an idiot."
"..."
"See, I don't think that's the meaning of life at all. That's too
stupid."
"No it's not," Shinji said. "It makes perfect sense to me."
"That's because you're stupid too!"
"Oh."
They kept walking. Asuka kicked a rock into the street. "Stupid."
"Sorry."
"Yes." She waved the cup under his nose. "You want some?"
"Sure."
"Too bad." She chugged the rest and handed the cup to him. "Here,
find someplace to throw this in."
He casually threw it at the next trashcan, missed, and bent to
pick it up.
"You're pathetic."
"..."
"Ooo... look!" She pointed at a small stand. "Roasted nuts!"
After he put his wallet back into his pocket, he sighed. "Why
are we here, anyway? I want to go home."
"Shut up. You got us lost. Have a cashew."
He looked at her carefully, then slowly reached forward and took
the nut from her unresisting fingers. Shinji popped it in his
mouth. "Mmm."
"Good, right?"
"Yeah."
"So," she said to him.
"So."
"Where are we? You know, right?"
"Uh..."
She massaged her forehead with her fingers. "Oh God."
"What?"
"You have no idea, do you?"
"Of... of course I do." He quickly glanced at a street sign.
It didn't help much, especially considering that some fine,
upstanding citizen had apparently jacked the sign.
"No you don't. I can tell. The moronic, confused look on your face."
She waggled her finger at him. "This is all your fault."
"...Well, I guess..."
"You guess?!"
"Yes."
"Ugh." Then she dove. "HOLY SHIT!"
"What- aah!"
After the feral pigeons had all departed, Asuka looked carefully at
Shinji's face. "Hey... you have bird shit on your head."
"So do you.
"I do?"
"Yes!"
"Damn." She took his sleeve and began wiping. He didn't do anything
for numerous reasons: because he was afraid, because he was a wuss,
but primarily because this enabled him to get a generous look down
her neckline.
"Glk." He began to go blue as the effects of prolonged oxygen
deprivation seeped into his consciousness.
"Hey... what are you looking at? What's wrong with you?"
As Shinji stumbled around the building clutching his stomach, Asuka
blew some imaginary dust off her fist and walked off.
---
Track X: Interview With an Eva ACC
---
People think I'm okay. That I'm happy. That I get laid by abnormally
hot girls approximately every sixteen minutes. They have no idea how
wrong they are.
My name? Uh. I don't think I'm supposed to give it out.
I think it began when I was fourteen. This hopelessly depressing
state of affairs, anyway. I WOULD like to say that my parents are
secret agents, or world-renowned archaeologists, but really, I have
no idea where I came from. Those NERV guys found me in a dumpster,
for God's sake. And I don't even know how I got in THERE. Maybe I was
drunk. Regardless, I was fairly happy there. It was soft. It was warm.
People dumped half-eaten slices of pie from the bakery next door. I
like pie.
What kind of pie? Shut up. That's not the point.
Then they ship me to some damned place in Tokyo-3. I don't think they
even asked my opinion. Once I get there, everyone starts looking at me,
staring at me, as if any moment I'd turn into God and start flying around
and pissing people off. Well, I admit I'm good at the last one, but really,
I'm not particularly aware of any other special powers and/or abilities.
Hell, I got lost in that place the first day, and ultimately stalked a
janitor until I found a map. Is this indicative of paranormal abilities?
I don't think so. Can't people just leave me alone?
Fine, fine, my name is Ja- ah, I mean, Character X.
-And yes, before you ask, I HAVE met some of those... other guys. Fellow
ACCs. I admit that they're delusional: saying you're the son of some FBI
guy when you're actually some deadbeat kid from Ohio is just sad. But,
really, that's no reason to hate me, right? That's like racism or something.
Or originism. Damn, I don't know what I'm talking about, okay? Let's just
move on.
No, I will NOT talk about Ohio. Forget I ever said that.
Furthermore, that getting laid thing. I haven't received any of these
mysterious benefits I'm told come with my status. If I'm going to get
bitched out about something, it might as well be true, right? This
argument is both logical and sensible, until actually applied. It's a
simple concept; make some sort of lewd proposition, or act in what I
perceive to be a suave, sophisticated manner, and it's automatically
my lucky day, right? Wrong. I'm afraid to try. The red-haired chick
will beat the shit out of me, and the other one will just stare at me-
which is actually worse, now that I think about it. It's like
psychological warfare all the way for that girl. This all ignores the
fact that I make it a point to think with something above my waistline,
of course. I fail at this sometimes, but you know, I'm only human...
Oh, all right, I'm a sick fuck. I tried to hit on Asuka, but got tossed
out the window. Happy?
No, I'm not gay. Who the hell let you in here? Get out! Yeah, you! You
try to hit on the red-head! Five bucks says you never get away whole.
Yeah, that's right. Sit down. Ahem.
And to prove that I actually have a point, even if I may not in life:
stop bitching at me and leave me alone, for the eternal love of God. Just
give me a piece of pie, a fork, maybe some coffee ice cream, and a nice
little corner to sit down in. If you let me, I will prove that I am capable
of actions that do not even hint at perfection. Actually, very far from it.
In fact, I will make it my DUTY to sit on my ass and avoid manual labor.
I swear never to pull any sort of weapon on any sort of bartender in any
sort of bar (which is a good way to get your head under water and around
ten miles from your neck, by the way.) I will not talk back and act like
a wise-ass to any men in black suits, nor any other man carrying handguns:
this, too, will be a fairly easy restriction to accept.
I really want the pie, though. That's good stuff, that is.
Yes? Questions? No, I don't know what pie I like best. Listen, you moron,
you seem to be missing the point here. Yes. Yes. NO. Idiot! What did I
just say! You raised by monkeys or something?
---
Track X: Return of an Eva ACC
---
This Track was originally intended to feature the only acceptable ACC
the platypus has ever created (the other was, quite frankly, an insane
vodka-gulping communist). Unfortunately, he refused to show up for work
and retreated to the NERV cafeteria, where he used his status as an
Evangelion pilot to scam free pie for three weeks. At the end of this
period, he was discovered, quietly and peacefully knocked out, and
cryogenically preserved. This was fortunate, as Ritsuko discovered some
years later that he in fact DID have special powers and abilities, and
would have eventually gone insane and attempted to end the world by
performing a bizarre Angel cult ritual. Details are unclear, as it
never happened, but it would've involved slaying a chicken, roasting it,
stuffing it with soggy Lucky Charms, and beating himself over the head
rhythmically with its corpse to the tune of a Barry Manilow song.
Thank God for the American work ethic.
As a side note, the previously mentioned (and unnamed) character did,
in fact, turn out to be a "deadbeat kid from Ohio." He was immediately
beaten and slain. Several men in black and a bartender were purported
to have led the bloodthirsty mob that entered his apartment early one
summer morning... with bricks.
That fateful event led to the subsequent widespread extermination of
ACCs everywhere in the Evangelion universe. An effort led by the main
Eva characters, characters these ACCs believed to be their "bitches"
and "sluts," this Anti ACC movement significantly reduced the once
mighty hordes of the ACC to mere clans hiding out in Montana. Any
special abilities and powers were, in the process, discovered to be
nonexistent: a young girl was trampled by Ritsuko while attempting to
access her AT Field. Some other boy's sword was revealed to be a
Styrofoam prop and burned, symbolically, with disposable Bic lighters.
Ironically, the hapless ACC who unknowingly started this slaughter,
Character X, was killed when a janitor unplugged cryogenic freezing
tank 06 to operate a Hoover vacuum cleaner. Tragic.
---
Track S: Seduction of the Innocent
---
"Come on, Shinji. Try it."
He backed away slowly. "N... no, that's all right. I'm fine."
"But... you have to try it. For me?" Asuka put on what she assumed
to be a seductive look. In reality, she was piss drunk, and looked
more like she had problems focusing on the various oxygen molecules
in the air around her. Which she did, but that wasn't relevant.
"No."
"I had some, see?" She hefted a huge, empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
"See?" She attempted to drink some, found out it was empty, and
threw it out the window in disgust.
"Uh... I'm not so sure."
"What's wrong? Can't take it?"
"No, I can, it's just..."
"Shinji can't take it, Shinji can't take it," she sang, dancing
around him. He sweat-dropped. "That's cute, kind of."
"Really?"
"No." She took a swig of beer, belched, then turned the can over
onto his head. She giggled.
"Hey! HEY!" He tried to roll away. "What are you doing?"
"What do you think I'm doing," she giggled. "I'm seducing you."
"Really?"
"No." She leapt at him, flattening him to the ground. "See, you're
just not cute enough for me. Funny, maybe. Amusing, maybe."
"Oh." 'Shinji... must maintain control. Must maintain focus. Have
to find... center... of peace... and inner meaning... my god,
they're pressing against my chest! ...No... try not to breathe too
hard... damn, how much did she drink? ...This is a golden
opportunity, Shinji...' "Uh..."
"What?"
---
In Shinji's mind, two boys fought for dominance. They were, in
order, Stud Shinji and Wuss Shinji. Strangely enough, Wuss Shinji
was trying to avoid conflict despite his greater size.
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" Stud Shinji shouted. "She's
practically begging you!"
Wuss Shinji frowned. "But... oh...she's drunk. It wouldn't ber
ight."
"Fuck that! Anything that makes you feel good is right!"
"She's drunk! She doesn't know what she's doing!"
"That's better for us, you moron!" He kicked Wuss Shinji in the
kneecap. "What the hell is your problem? Are you gay or something?"
"No!"
"Then why aren't you acting! Look at her!"
They both turned to the giant movie screen in the horizon. Projected
onto it, in a slide show format, was a series of Asuka pictures.
Currently there: Asuka lying on Shinji, holding a beer, drunk,
in a compromising position.
Wuss Shinji shifted uncomfortably. "Well... I guess. But that still
doesn't justify it. The moral- do you ever consider the moral
implications of what you do?"
"Fuck no!" Stud Shinji (metaphorically speaking) lit a cigarette and
took a puff. "Who the hell gives a shit about moral implications?
There's a hot redhead sprawled on top of us!"
He rubbed his head. "Oh, wow, I wasn't aware. Thank you for pointing
that out."
"You're welcome."
"Jerk."
"Pansy." He took a drag.
"Fuck you." Wuss Shinji began pacing around in circles. "There must
be some way we can resolve this- some compromise that we can-"
*WHACK*
Stud Shinji carefully dropped the broken cello onto his unconscious
counterpart. "I'm sorry, man, but you win WAY too much."
Giving himself a thumbs up, he sat down at the control panel and began
punching in commands.
---
Asuka yelped as Shinji grabbed her ass. "Hey, what- MMPH!"
---
The rest of this story can most likely be found in the Lemon section
of the closest fan-fiction archive. You should be 18, but most people
are too busy hunting down serial killers, rapists, and jaywalkers to
really give a shit what you see on your computer. Hell, you're reading
this, aren't you?
---
Track Y: Appointment
---
"My name is Shinji Ikari," he said. "I think I have a... problem."
Everyone- all twelve people in the circle- clapped as he reddened.
"Uh... yeah."
The man sitting directly across him waved his arms for silence. When
he got it, he nodded thoughtfully and made a few marks on his
clipboard. "Excellent," he said. "Admitting it is the first step to
recovery."
"..."
"Now... tell me..." He leaned forward, a look of intense concentration
on his face. "What, exactly, is the nature of your problem? Do you
find yourself unable?"
"No... not... exactly."
"So... no dysfunctions of any sort? No problems functioning properly?"
"No."
"Well... is it an addiction of some sort? You can't stop?"
"No, I... I'm a..."
"Really!" The doctor leaned back in surprise. "Well, now, that's
interesting. Obviously, your problems lie deeper in the psyche than
mere addiction. Do you care to elaborate?"
"Um..."
"Do you do it by yourself? How often?"
"Once."
"Once a day? Week?"
"My entire life."
"That's it??!" A man jumped up. "What the fuck are you here, for,
kid! I do it twice a day!"
"Well, I..."
"That's nothing," another man shouted. "I once swallowed seven
Viagras so I didn't have to stop!"
"Well, I did in front of a girl..."
They all paused. "Was she conscious?"
"No, she was in a coma."
"So... basically, you're saying you suffer from a coma fetish?"
"What?"
A woman peered closely at Shinji's face. "Say, aren't you that kid
that wants to sleep with his sister?"
"No!"
"Wow, kid, you're an incestual necrophiliac?"
"I didn't say that! I didn't! Ah!" He leapt out of his chair and ran
down the hallway, where he kicked open a fire door and left.
The remaining occupants of the room stared at his overturned chair
for several minutes, then blinked. Then the doctor turned to the
others.
"Excellent," Kihl Lorenz said. "He's progressing nicely. Soon,
his guilt and disgust will come together to trigger... the Third
Impact!"
The rest of SEELE clapped appreciatively.
---
Track S: The Problem
---
Asuka stretched. "Mm..." she mumbled. Yawning, she pulled the
blanket over herself and tried to roll over. 'What the fuck?
What is that?' She pushed the obstacle slightly. No dice. Same
with her small shove. So she braced herself against the wall
and kicked it, full force, onto the ground. Then, satisfied, she
lay down again and prepared to sleep.
"Ah! Hey!"
"What... the..." She rolled over and blinked. "OH MY GOD! WHAT
THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"
Wuss Shinji took this time to reassert himself. "Well, uh, I just
happened to be real tired, so I was confused, and..."
"WHY ARE WE NAKED??!?!!!!!"
Shinji rubbed his ears painfully. "Uh... naked? I don't remember
anything that- er..."
"WHY IS THERE AN OPENED CONDOM WRAPPER ON MY NIGHTSTAND??!"
"Uh, maybe Touji snuck in, as a joke, or..."
"PLEASE, TELL ME I DIDN'T."
He winced. "Please, stop shouting."
"No." She coughed, then picked up her lamp. "SO help me GOD...
you will tell me everything RIGHT NOW."
"But..."
"NOW." She waved it threateningly, then smacked him on the cranium
for good measure.
"Ah!"
"Now."
"Uh... youweredrunkandendeduplyingontopofmeandididn'tknowwhattodoiwas
confused." He paused to breathe. "Andthensinceididn'tknowwhattodoidid
theonlythingicouldthinkofand...uh..."
"What!"
"Isleptwithyou." He covered his face, palms outward. "Please don't hit
me with that again."
*CRUNCH*
---
Around half an hour later, Shinji regained consciousness. Looking
around, he saw Asuka sitting on her bed, staring out the window. He
gave in to his immediate impulse to cringe. She didn't move. "Uh..."
"Please tell me that we used the condom." Still staring out the
window.
"Uh... we did." He moved closer. "Shouldn't you put some clothes on?
I mean, you're in front of a window..."
"Where is it?"
"I... I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I lost it."
She finally turned, a dangerous glint in her eyes. "You... lost it."
"Yeah." He edged a little closer, and sat down on the other side of
the bed. "Uh..."
"When, exactly, did you lose it? A couple minutes after? Later?"
"Maybe... two minutes in?"
"TWO MINUTES IN!" She spun. "What the hell do you mean, two minutes
in??!"
"I mean... two minutes in. I couldn't get it open." He shrugged
helplessly.
"You couldn't figure out how to open a condom?" The incredulous look
on her face spoke volumes.
"It was all shriveled up and stuck together! What could I do!"
"HOW OLD WAS THIS CONDOM?"
"Er... a couple years? Seven?"
"You had a condom in your pocket for seven years?!"
"Yeah. Maybe the rubber went bad, or something-" 'I'm fucked.'
She covered her face. "Sweet Jesus."
He fought the urge to comfort her and lost. Moving closer: "Well,
maybe-"
"I was saving myself for marriage, you know."
Shinji paused. He didn't know what to say. "Oh. So... sorry?" 'Damn.
This sucks.'
"All my life, I figured... marriage was it. The person I truly loved.
I mean, I've fooled around, but..." She looked out the window again.
"But now..."
"Sorry." 'I wonder what's on television?'
"So, there's only one thing I can do, because I'm ruined now." She
got up slowly, still looking at the window.
'Oh god, she's going to kill herself. I have to be ready to stop her.
It all depends on this moment.' He tensed his muscles, ready to spring.
'Shinji... this is it.'
"I... oh, fuck I'm so bad at this."
He squinted, regarding her cautiously. "Bad... at what?"
"Shinji, we have to get married." She turned to look at him. "I'm sorry,
I can't phrase it any better than that."
"Uh..."
"I... even despite... I mean... I think I kind of lov- Shinji?"
He fainted dead away.
---
Track Z: Confrontation
---
"What," he said, backing away. "I didn't do anything!"
"No, fuck you, Shinji! FUCK YOU! I had an uncle who died, cause he
drank too much!" Asuka flailed her arms about wildly. It was brutally
apparent that she was totally drunk. This inference was backed up by
the fact that several flies near her mouth shriveled into little balls
and dropped to the ground.
"But-"
Asuka spun around. "Hikari, do you drink?"
"NO!"
"Misato, do you drink?"
"NO!"
"Rei, do you drink?"
"..."
"The answer is NO, you idiot!"
"...No."
She turned back and grabbed him by the collar. "SEE, Shinji? NO!
No, Shinji! FUCK YOU! You're SICK!"
"I didn't- it was only a little-"
She dropped him to the floor and left the room, the others following
her quietly. Rei paused at the door, looked back, shook her head
slightly, and closed the door.
Shinji clutched his chest feebly. For some reason, his hands weren't
responding properly. He compensated for this by fumbling at the table,
hitting his upper forehead against the smooth metal surface, and
collapsing to the ground in a twitching mass. He was comatose for
several hours after that.
And it was only 10 AM.
---
Track Y: Solution
---
Misato glanced up as Shinji opened the door. "Hey, how did it go?"
"Bad."
She looked at his depressed appearance, his sad, downcast eyes. He
looked like he was going to shoot himself at any minute. Essentially,
he looked normal. "Really. That sucks."
"Yeah."
"What, like they laughed, or didn't believe you, or you just didn't
get help? What was wrong?"
He sat down in the beanbag. "Just... bad. I got too embarrassed."
"Embarrassed? How?"
"What do you mean, how? Revealing my inner deviancy to the outside
world isn't exactly something I'm comfortable with!"
"I mean, there're other guys that are so bad..."
"Trust me. I was the worse one." He put his head in his hands. "It
sucks to be the worst- your job is to make everyone else feel better.
It sucks."
She watched him for a minute or two, then picked up her bag. "Come
on... I have an idea."
"What?"
---
"-So then, in 2000, I got a little curious about animals. I mean, I'd
already done it with men, women, you name the gender, right?" They all
nodded at her. Misato smiled and continued. "So, see, I figured- there
must be something about them. Animals, I mean. When they go into heat-
I bet nothing can stop them, they just go crazy. I had this plan. So, I
volunteered to watch my neighbor's German Shepard while he was on
vacation..."
---
"-Yes, I do have a pet now, actually. He's a penguin."
---
"Slept with the kid? Not yet, why do you ask?"
---
"Hell no! He's mine, all mine! I've seen him in the shower!"
---
"Well, nice meeting you guys. We gotta go."
---
They in the car, going around 100 on the highway.
"So, you feel better now?" Misato smiled at Shinji.
"Uh... yeah. I guess." He gave her a fearful glance. "So... uh...
about that whipping people thing in 2004..."
"Yes?"
"Never mind." He looked out the window. "Never mind."
---
Epilogue
---
"So... where do you think we are?" Asuka mumbled.
"I don't know. It's too dark in here."
"No shit."
"What's this? I think I found something! Here, it's kind of
squishy-"
"BAKA!"
"OW! Why'd you slap me!"
"Pervert."
"I don't get it."
"You don't get any!"
"Yeah I do!"
"Sure... from who? Huh? Your sister?"
"My sister?"
"Sick pervert."
"..."
"..."
"So, where are we?"
"..."
"Aw, come on, Shinji, don't be mad."
"..."
"Are you mad at me?"
"..."
"Are you mad at me?"
"..."
"Come on, you're mad at me. I can hear you breathing, you're
going crazy."
"Hmp."
"Hehehe. Either that, or you're getting horny."
"I am not!"
"Come on... stuck in a dark, enclosed space with ME? Of course
you are."
"I..."
"Hey... what the... sick! Shinji, what the hell is wrong with
you!"
"What?"
"And don't give me that 'I need to whiz' excuse either! You
went like ten minutes ago!"
"..."
"Where the hell are we already? I'm getting pissed!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Oh, fuck this. Hey, you wanna have sex?"
"What?"
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