"Jerry/Patch Monkey" <maddhatter@earthling.net> wrote:
In other, simpler to understand words, Genma and Soun, being the
Suggest taking out the "simpler to understand" clause. Talky narration
like this makes it seem like the writer is addressing the reader
directly, rather than like we're being shown a story.
two brightest bulbs in Nerima, decreed that Akane and Ranma were to travel
to the Winter Carnival in the little town of Puxatauno. Then, further
That name doesn't sound very Japanese.
stressing their higher than average mental capacity, the chose to accompany
Ranma and Akane, which meant that Kasumi and Nabiki also came along. Of
course. It did wonders for Ranma's further sanity when he found out that,
surprise, there was an emergency satellite Nekohanten Relief Office (phone
number: Dial 1 - 800 - SHAMPOO) that opened up for the Winter Festival
Urk. C'mon, we're in Japan here. I don't insist on strict cultural
accuracy, but an obvious Americanization like this really jars me out of
the story.
Besides, why would they need a toll-free number anyway? Are they doing
out-of-district deliveries?
(although Ranma had different feelings on that) and that Ukyo chose to come
Ranma had different feelings on what? The Winter Festival? How so? I
don't understand what that line refers to.
"Scoundrel! How dare you drag the fair Akane and the wondrous
pig-tailed-"
Ranma's obviously in his male form for this scene. Has Kuno seen Ranma
in girl form here? If not, what makes him think that the Pig-Tailed Girl
is even on the trip? If you want to use a stock bit like this, make sure
it fits into the scene that you're doing.
Back at the hotel, Akane was ecstatic. "Ranma! Guess what! The
Puxatauno
city council said that since their old pig died, they'd like to use P-Chan
for Pot-Bellied Pig Day!"
"That's wonderful, Akane," Ranma emoted.
"You don't even care, do you? Well, fine! I'm going back to my room!"
I don't know how to take "emoted" here. Did he say it seriously, or with
a sarcastic tone? Ranma's subsequent thoughts indicate that it was the
former, but unless it was the latter, Akane's reaction makes no sense.
"Boy, go on up an tell her that you meant it right GROWF GROWF!"
"Oh my, Mr. Saotome, how did you turn into a panda now?"
Huh? Kasumi knows how the curses work as well as anyone.
<Great. Better, now mom's here. What else could go wrong? I
wish Ucchan was up here on the roof. She'd come over and say 'Hey, Ranchan!
'>
"Hey, Ranchan!"
< 'I made you your favorite!'>
"I made you your favorite!"
RANMA: Then she'd say 'RANCHAN! How dare you go to a place like this
with Akane and not invite ME!!' Then she'd bash me over the head with
the spatula, and then... maybe it's a good thing she isn't here.
UKYO: RANCHAN!
RANMA: Uh oh....
<Man, I can just smell it. Pork okonomiyaki! I could really
use some right now.>
Ukyo, on the other hand, decided to take a more direct approach
to getting his attention.
*Clang*, spoke Mr. Spatula to Ranma's head.
<Oh. Maybe she is here.>
Heh.
"And just where have you been?" queried Akane as Ranma entered
the room they were now sharing. "And why are you a guy? Your mom's here!"
"That means I'm now sleeping in here, right?"
"Yes. Now, where have you been?"
"Out."
"Why.why.why you!"
Akane decked him.
Huh? What was that for? I could understand it if Ranma had insulted her,
but how is "out" an insult?
"Hmm.funny, Ranma, but you don't quite look like a guy right
now."
"Har har."
"Ranma, seriously, that's so nice of you! Thanks! I'm gonna
head to the woman's baths. See you later," spoke Akane.
"Saved you again, porky," whispered Ranma to the pig.
Okay, this scene was quite a bit better in terms of characterization.
And that's where I'm up to now. It's rough, but I like it. That makes six
fanfics I'm working on at once, plus the _Taming of the Horse_ radioplay.
You mean the one being produced by Fanfic Radio Productions, at
http://www.radioplay.org ? Cool! :)
Anyway... this story, IMO,.really needs more of a direction. It's not
clear why we should be interested in whether P-chan sees his shadow or
not, and there doesn't seem to be much else going on. You need to
establish a main conflict and show us why we should care about it.
Another piece of advice: don't feel obligated to bring in all the
supporting characters. In the manga, Takahashi generally only used a
character in a given story if she had something interesting to do with
that character. Likewise, even though you're trying to write original
flavor, don't feel that you have to use stock fanfic bits -- like Kuno
obsessing over the Pigtailed Girl or Ranma and Akane arguing for no
particular reason. If you actually look at the manga, Takahashi used
stuff like this a lot less than "original flavor" fanfics generally do,
and when she did use them she generally had either some sort of fresh
angle to put on them for the particular scene, or some way to make them
relevant to the plot, or both.
Good luck with this and any other fanfics,
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html