Corwin <ely7@inter.net.il> wrote:
[intro skimmed and snipped]
IMO, there's no reason you need all this
straight-out-of-the-original-series intro. I understand the need to set
the context as to when within the manga your fic takes place, but that
could be done with just a paragraph or two of recollections as Ranma
picks himself up off the beach. As is, the repetition of a scene people
have already seen is likely to turn off potential readers.
'Wow, the Earth is so beautiful from up here,' the pigtailed martial
artist thought, admiring the view underneath her. 'Hmm, usually I've
already landed in some lake by this time... Akane must've been really
mad...'
After a few more minutes of flight, Ranma sighed and spoke dejectedly
"An ocean. Figures."
RANMA: An ocean to the east of Tokyo? What bonehead decided to put THAT
there? And why wasn't *I* informed?
Half an hour later, Ranma came to the realization that she was slowly
starting to lose altitude. "If I have to swim back to Japan once again
Um... yeah right. :) Do you know how high he'd have to be thrown in
order to be in the air a half hour? Okay, Ranma has never settled for
believable physics, but still....
because of this, I'm gonna be very angry at that macho chick!" she
Can you come up with a better line here? This one sounds too
matter-of-factish.
"Wha? W-Who are you?" Ranma asked in a shaky voice, backing away from
the scimpily clad girl, once he regained his senses.
I'm not sure "skimpily" is a word. If it is, it's spelled with a k, not
a c. You might want to say "the girl in the skimpy costume," or better
yet, describe it a little more fully.
"Hey, since I rescued you an' all... does that mean I get a wish?"
"Of course, Master! I am yours to command!" Jeannie replied happily.
"Woo-hoo! I know just the thing to wish for..." Taking a pose, Ranma
said: "I wish I had all the food I could eat! Oh, that and a bottle of
coke."
Um... what about wishing for a cure for his curse? Okay, Jeannie might
not be able to do that if Jusenkyo's magic is stronger than hers, or for
some other weird reason, but it wouldn't stop Ranma from asking.
"But aren't thou wish to return to thou home?" she asked him.
"But are not..." Jeannie doesn't use contractions. Also, it would be thy
home, but you may want to just drop the thee/thou speak. She did use it
in the early episodes of the show, true, but it got taken out pretty
quickly as I recall.
"Are ya kiddin'? I ain't ever comin' back, that's for sure! Nothin' good
waits for me there, beside pop and I ain't comin' back for him. I don't
know what mom saw in him anyway..."
First of all, continuity error here. Ranma never even knew his mother
was still alive until vol. 22, in which she first showed up, which is
much later than when you've set this story.
Secondly, it seems very unlike Ranma to be content to sit back on an
island and let everything be done for him by some magical girl. Where's
the challenge? Where are the opportunities to feed his ego? Sure, I can
see him going through a kid-in-a-candy-store phase at first -- which of
us wouldn't? -- but I think the novelty would wear off fairly quickly
and he'd be ready to leave. (More on this below.)
'Pretty, very pretty. Downright beautiful, in fact. Skimpily closed,
clothed
"Yes, Master, I understand," Jeannie replied with a downcast look.
Seeing that he was ready to go, she blinked and sent Ranma on his way.
Once he was gone, she smiled and finished the sentence: "I understand
that you need me to save you from that girl, Master!"
One blink later the island was short of one djinni and her bottle.
This has much potential for good comedy as Jeannie tries to use her
powers to straighten out what she sees as Ranma's problems, never
understanding why nothing she does seems to make him happy.
One thing I would caution you on: A big part of why IDoJ worked to the
extent that it did was that her master was dead-set opposed to her using
her powers on his behalf. This was the source of much of the conflict in
the series, and the only thing that kept it from degenerating into the
dull wish-fulfillment fantasy that it would've been had whatsisname
(Bill Daily's character) gotten the genie instead. IMO, to make your
story work you need to keep Ranma just as completely opposed to letting
Jeannie do anything for him. It certainly seems consistent with Ranma's
character that he could be like this, but the way he's reacted so far
makes me a little worried about it.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html