Re: [FFML] Cast a Second Line Into the Sea, Sea and Sea.
I consign you to the Dantean(sp?) Circle for Punners. Gary, make room;
quit sprawling on the only couch. ^_-
Here's a little C&C, hope you don't mind.
Heck, no! Any C&C at any time. :)
I have to say, first off, that I prefer your comedy writing - which
isn't
meant as an insult to this, by any means. The pacing and flow you
write
with, I think, lends itself better to comedy. I think. I'm not really
one
to say, since I can't write comedy - but you can. The Prank That
Wasn't,
and A Tale of 10 Yen remain two of my favourite Ranma comedies -
especially
the second one (considering the first wasn't ever finished, grrr....)
Sorry about Prank, but that one withered on the vine with the flood of
Ranma-goes-pointedly-girl fics that came out early last year. About the
only way I can see to revive it is to make it into a dark comedy or
something, but no sense of how to go about that has leapt to mind. I
have short starts for chapters 3 and 4, and I'll send them to you.
I find myself getting a bit of whiplash on the pacing issue, or more
specifically, the comedy versus drama issue. In Accidental Goddess 5,
the general notion was that the drama was far better than the comedy. :/
Personally, I think the pacing of Cast was a bit hurried in places. I
should probably insert some descriptive prose to slow things down, and
hopefully, deeper characterizations of Ranma's daughters should help
that.
Having said that, there's a lot I like about this fic - especially the
idea
behind it. Not so much the curse stuff; more the exploration of life
for
the Ranma cast at an older age.
*nods*
There's been very few fics like that,
to my
knowledge. Not 'second generation' stories - I'm not so interested in
those, since they usually thrust the cast I like to the sidelines - but
ones
that push Ranma and friends (kicking and screaming, I'm sure) into
middle-age. Neat idea about cursed forms dying off, though.
Thanks, although I'm hardly the first on the curse, IIRC. Don't
remember, though, what other fics dealt with it.
Would be nice to see some elements played up more, though. Ranma
mentions
how his daughters will never be as good as Ryoga or himself - none of
the
craziness of childhood he experienced. But how about now?
I don't follow that. The craziness of the story "now"?
How does
Ranma
feel about passing on his title as 'best of' in favour of raising four
children - four children he loves, but may not have wanted to raise
alone.
Any resentment there? He seems to easily accept his (rather easy)
defeat at
Ryoga's hands; has he been slacking off; why doesn't it bother him
anymore?
The defeat by Ryouga didn't bother him because his female side was
dictating his actions somewhat - it's stereotypical female behavior,
losing to the "male" to stroke his ego, stereotypical behaviors being
how Ranma would likely protray female behavior for areas in which he's
inexperienced. :)
As for the resentment, I had hoped to convey that his daughters are more
important to Ranma than just about anything, even concerns about being
the best. I'll see what I can do to make that clearer. However, I think
the over-riding resentment he feels is towards life for taking Akane
away from him.
I hesitate to portray any resentment connected with raising his
daughters, alone or otherwise. The girls are, I think, the first
overwhelming responsibility he's had where people depend on him for
everything. He gladly rose to meet that challenge, even to the point of
being "Otouchan-mama" with a splash of water.
Granted, Ranma has probably slacked off his training somewhat, but his
daughters are all he has left of Akane, aside from memories.
Age obviously has a lot to do with that, and I can accept that he's
simply
changed over the last twenty or so years - but reading some of how that
development took place, or being privy to some introspection, might
deepen
the impact of Ranma and Ryoga's change of character.
I see. Very good. I'll keep this firmly in mind during revision.
Like the Nabiki stuff; I can totally see it happen that way.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Nabiki is one of those characters that could
very easily find herself walking the razor's edge at some critical
moment between a life-changing experience and a descent into bitter
sameness, and just a few too many years of playing the field could
firmly put her in the latter state.
Not much more to say, other than...
****************************************
The line between two seasons was drawn, on this day, in the
contrasting tones between the slight chill of a breeze and the
welcome warmth of the sun. It was a time of transition, caring
little for official dates scribed on manmade calendars that
decide for one when Winter would end and Spring would begin.
The breeze ruffled the black hair and the sunlight warmed the
bronzed skin of a man sitting on a bench, set in from the
sidewalk encircling a large traffic square. The square was a
meadow of sprouting green in an urban forest of concrete and
glass, such structures slowly overtaking even the more
traditional and warmer constructions of wood and plaster. The man
was, as was his wont, lost, but he'd long since burned out his
anger over that state of being, and one traffic square was as
good as the next.
... you've got some nice descriptive stuff here at the beginning - but
it's
rather more sparse throughout the rest of the story. It shouldn't
disrupt
the flow of the story, but if you can write it up nice, why not fit it
in
where appropriate in other places? (Where those places would be, mind
you,
I don't really have a clue.)
Heh. Agreed. I'll see what I can do. A couple of places come to mind,
and I'm sure more will pop up. Again, additional characterization for
the daughters should help.
Oh, just remembered - the bit at the end with the broken koi rod.
Would
Ranma really want to use that? Yes, he wants to ensure that what he
feels
for Ryoga remains once he 'balances out' - but the love the koi rod
created
was nearly slavish in nature. Ranma was willing to die under its spell
before, which is quite a change of character for him. Not sure he'd
want to
have to deal with that again - or want Ryoga under it as well. I
dunno,
it's a good idea - and lends to a great title - but I've always found
using
magical artifacts as a way through personal development as a bit of an
easy
way out. Not that I wouldn't use The Amulet of Ultimate Studliness
myself
if I found it, but still....
That was the question Ranma faced, as well, at the end. She considered
it, yes, because her current situation was becoming untenable and she
was terribly alone without Akane there. For a brief moment, even the koi
rod was preferable to going on as she was, but reason seeped in, and she
realized that it wasn't the answer. Perhaps I should clarify her
thinking on that.
Dunno if this helps at all. Good story. I wasn't on the ML when it
was
first posted - I caught it via the 'collected comments' thingy.
Looking
forward to the revised version...
Thanks, Mike. It helps, it helps! ^_^
Look forward to more Curtain *and* Decision. ^_^
Ja!
Dave
***************************
D.F. Roeder
http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html