Hi!

Thanks for your usual excellent feedback, Gary.  I've gone ahead and slapped in most of the grammatical suggestions.  However,

GENMA: Not that many. We did most of our training in Japan.
RANMA: It was a rhetorical question, okay?

[...]

GENMA: No.
RANMA: Dammit, Pop, do you even understand what "rhetorical" means?

<grin>  That's not fair, Gary, your commentary is funnier than my fic!

>      "So you've still got some fight left in you, eh, old man?"
>      "I'll show you just how much I've got left, Boy!"
boy!"    (no caps, IMO, since it's a description rather than a name)

I waver on that.  It's a descriptive, but he uses it so often for Ranma it's almost a nickname.  Not sure which way to go, capital or not.  I suppose it's not _that_ big of an issue....

Ranma seems rather unconcerned so far. What about the warnings of doom in the
last chapter?

I tried to get to that as quickly as possible without interupting the boy-dad male-bonding scene.  I admit it comes a little late, but I'm not sure how to bump it up without ruining the flow.  Than again, he's got no really good reason to believe the freaky guy standing by the sidelines (well, other than the magic glow and writhing tentacles, I guess...)

>      "Oh, and Sagat!"
RANMA: Are you kidding? "America's Funniest Home Videos" really sucks.

Ouch.

>      Was this the threat of which that man, that Gabriel, had warned
> against?  If so, then why attack this helpless girl?  The mental image of
> the girl's body reared up once more, and Ranma suddenly wondered if this was
> the fate that awaited Akane.  No way, he vowed once again, leaping back to
> the ground and resuming, at a hurried pace, his way towards the Tendos'.  No
> way will that happen to Akane.
Of course, it could be Akane who's doing the killings.... :)

You know, I never thought of that - that's really a good idea.  Hmm, maybe with a few plot adjustments... give her a nice guilt complex...

> Perhaps it had
> some kind of mental imprint of Akane as well -- vague impressions of the
> girl, of her clothes, of what she liked.

GENMA: Fortunately, that means we have a perfect decoy to lure out the killer!
RANMA: Well, I pity whatever poor sucker....
** SPLOOSH! **
RANMA: HEY!

<grin>  Would you believe that had been my original plan?  Realize the source, dress himself up as Akane, and try and draw the killer out.

>      The effeminate-looking ninja quickly scanned him over.  "Ukyou sent me
Suggest: The effeminate ninja    (I mean, if you look effeminate, doesn't that >mean you are?)

I'm not sure of that - couldn't you be effeminate in appearance (slim, long hair, or something), but still quite masculine in presentation or behaviour? But in this case, yeah, I guess Konatsu is pretty staightforward effeminate.  Dropped the 'looking'.

> I don't know if I'll be keeping the part with the car in it; I may have to
> revise that part of the fight.  As was pointed out to me, it's not terribly
> original-flavour.  As one pre-reader put it, "having Ranma accept combat
> assistance from an internal-combustion engine is darn near as shocking as
> having him pick up a bazooka."  Which is true.  On the other hand, I kinda
> liked the images it brought to mind.  Let me know what you think.

Didn't really bother me, but I have a relatively high tolerance for out-of-genre
(as opposed to OOC which I'm a stickler against).

Hmm.  Responses have been mixed, but mostly in favour of keeping, since the situation (what with the murders and death and so on) is already way out-of-genre, and justifies it.  I'll probably keep it, though I've already adjusted it somewhat to hopefully feel somewhat more 'in genre'.

All in all, good characterizations, very good descriptive writing, and an
enjoyable read.

Many thanks!  Glad you enjoyed it - and sorry about the red hair! <grin>

> See you soon with the next chapter!
Promises, promises. :)

Hey, no, seriously!  I'm already 4000 words into it, and making good progress.  It's nice having a job that pays you to write fanfiction! (well, not really, but it's summer vacation, and I've gotta sit at my desk - what else am I going to do?)  I'm hoping to have the next bit out in a few weeks.

Later!
Mike Noakes

noakes_m@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/noakes_m

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