[snip]
The sphere of light disappeared then, and its contents were
exposed to the harshness of deep space. In an instant, the near absolute
zero temperature froze the chunk of sea water the starship had brought
along, and the air soon followed the same destiny.
Destiny? I guess it's allowable, but I would have said "fate", instead.
Although that's just me : it could be a style thing.
Fate has a darker 'feel' to it, whereas destiny is a bit more neutral.
I have to agree, here; fate seems more appropriate.
Translucent flakes of
frozen air commenced falling over the ruins of Macross city, soon covering
the scars of the recent battle in a thick mantle of inscrutable whiteness.
Get your Macross Island snow globes, here! Big as life, and twice as real!
Which is, all said, a very good bit of imagery. Well done!
Technical nit-pick: I seriously doubt that Macross City has a strong
enough gravitational attraction to affect anything, even things with as
little mass as frozen air flakes. ;)
[snip]
Vanessa gasped before yelling, "It's Macross Island, Captain! And
it's coming straight to us!"
Gloval hurried to her side and gave the readouts a quick glance.
"No, _we_ are going towards it!" Turning to his Bridge Officer, he
ordered,
"Fire the retro rockets, Claudia!"
Is retro rockets really two different words? I always thought it was one
word, like afterburners.
It can be either. Not that it really matters in this case, since the
SDF doesn't HAVE retro-rockets. :) To move something THAT big, a simple
chemical reaction (ie, rockets) would require WAAAAAY too much mass to be
effective... and then there's the little problem of regulating it. You turn
a rocket on, it stays on until it runs out of fuel, and it's going full-bore
the whole time.
In all likelihood, Gloval would've said, "Helm, full reverse!", or,
"Full reverse, Claudia!". Or something along those lines.
Just FYI, the SDF has thrusters or engines, not rockets. :)
The SDF-1 collided with the frozen island with devastating force,
pulling down the last standing buildings that had miraculously survived
the
successive disasters.
Unless the ship attached some tow cables to those buildings, I think you
want to say it "knocked" down the last standing buildings...
... and rather than say 'down', I'd suggest using 'through', as in:
The SDF-1 collided with the frozen island with devastating force,
punching through the last standing buildings that had miraculously survived
the successive disasters.
snow, with a red stripe along its side that had only served to make it
look
all the more beautiful in his eyes. Now, however, most of the paint had
peeled off, and a big part of the fuselage had been damaged during their
chaotic reentry into the SDF-1.
I believe "re-entry" is hyphenated, but I'm not sure.
Generally, yes... but I've seen it both ways. :)
[snip]
He had thought thing couldn't get any worse... He should have
known better: bad news always come in pairs.
Actually, bad news always comes in threes. This might make for some good
foreshadowing : have Gloval worrying about what the third piece of bad news
would be. (I'm guessing that huge alien armada heading in his general
direction. Anyone feel like taking bets?)^_^
Yo! Put me down for ten - I'm good for it. :)
[snip]
"So, you see, Captain," Doctor Emil Lang was saying, "firing the
main gun is, at the moment, impossible."
Slight of build and of average height, Lang's most distinctive
feature were his eyes: pupilless, irisless, all black eyes that seemed to
look in every direction at the same time--and then beyond.
Nitpick #2 : McKinney is never sure about Lang's eyes. Sometimes he says
they're all pupil, and at others claims they're blank, with neither pupil
nor iris. If you say all-pupil, try to do McKinney one better, and stick to
it.
You noticed that too, eh? Ol' Jack was never the best at consistency...
It always amused me how *often* the Third Generation team kept running out
of 'culture towards the latter part of the trilogy. :)
[snip da rest]
As Morgan said, very good work. My biggest issue is with scientific
accuracy (as if that can really be applied to a Ranma/Robotech crossover!).
You might benefit from some research outside of the McKinney books - full
deckplans for the SDF-1, for example, are available all over the net and in
various books.
Looking forward to more,
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org