Hi, all!
Hey, how's it going? Good to see you got chapter 5 out! ^_^
A pal has an interesting theory: the more you plead for C&C, the more
likely
you are to get some. I agree, so... Please, PLEASE, I beg you, send C&C.
I
like public, I take anything. Drop me a line, if only to say "hello",
okay?
Gotcha! Public C&C, coming up! Just keep in mind that my reality could stop
being yours with little or no warning. Proceed at your own risk, and feel
free to ignore me completely at any time. ^_^
Larry F has kindly decided to host my story in his site, so previous
chapters can be found at: http://lwf58.tripod.com/fan_fiction/latin_d/
Text versions of the chapters are also hosted at 'Ranchan Totally Crossed
Out', at: http://tannim.freehosting.net/Silent_Battles/Silent.html
Good! I'd hate to think that people were missing out on this story just
because they had overlooked an earlier chapter and couldn't find it. Because
that would be wrong.
VERY wrong. ^_^
Anyway, on with the story!
And they're off!
DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 belongs to the brilliant Takahashi Rumiko. Robotech
is
owned by Harmony Gold USA, Inc. No copyright infringement is intended.
You know, Robotech is also the property of Carl Macek. Just thought I'd
bring that up, since you were kind enough to mention Takahashi-san.
This story is based on McKinney's books.
Right! I'll try to keep that in mind as I go : there are a few differences.
Chapter 5: Dark beauty
---
For eons upon eons, Pluto had traveled its unstable orbit around
the Sun in a never-ending voyage of solitude. Captured by the yellow star's
gravity, forced to wait for eternity an impossible freedom, the lonely
planet navigated the black void, undisturbed by anyone or anything.
Ooh, good opening. You've really been getting a lot better at these, you
know. And you were pretty good at them to start with. ^_^
<ALREADY, A SNIP?>
The sphere of light disappeared then, and its contents were
exposed to the harshness of deep space. In an instant, the near absolute
zero temperature froze the chunk of sea water the starship had brought
along, and the air soon followed the same destiny.
Destiny? I guess it's allowable, but I would have said "fate", instead.
Although that's just me : it could be a style thing.
Translucent flakes of
frozen air commenced falling over the ruins of Macross city, soon covering
the scars of the recent battle in a thick mantle of inscrutable whiteness.
Get your Macross Island snow globes, here! Big as life, and twice as real!
Which is, all said, a very good bit of imagery. Well done!
For a moment, the SDF-1 remained in its position, a reluctant
witness of the chaotic events. Then, slowly, almost reluctantly, it began
descending towards the waiting island.
Nitpick #1 : In outer space, the only way to move "down" is to head towards
the
surface of a planet. Since the SDF isn't heading towards Pluto, but towards
Macross Island, it isn't really "descending". Like I said, it's a really
tiny thing, but I'd change "descending" to "heading", "moving", or something
like that.
<SNIP!>
At that moment, his eyes seemed to cloud over, as strange as that
may sound.
I think you mean Ranma's VISION clouded over. The difference is that when
you say his eyes clouded over, you make it sound like an external
description. Which would mean his eyes actually are turning cloudy (i.e.
white). Now, you've been hinting that Ranma has some pretty spooky powers,
so maybe that is what happened, but I'd try to be a little more precise.
And if I were you, I'd end the sentence at "cloud over". "As strange as that
may sound" doesn't really fit the rest of your narrative.
It became impossible to focus on anything, and the world around
him acquired a sense of double focus that disturbed Ranma somehow.
Try not to use the same word twice in the same sentence. Here, you've got
two "focus" : one a verb and one a noun. Maybe if you said something like
"...impossible to focus, and he began seeing double." I'd drop the
"anything" because if he can't focus, he can't focus.
<SNIP>
Before he had the chance to ponder on the possible causes of this
new phenomenon, the bridge returned back to normal. There had been
something
very familiar about the side-effects of the spacefold operation, but he
couldn't quite put his finger on exactly what.
The symptoms are a bit like having a concussion : maybe he misses Akane. ^_^
´This can't be good,´ thought Ranma as the lights went out.
RANMA : In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this is bad!
Boy, nothin' good EVER happens to me when the lights go out...
In no
time, though, the emergency lights began casting an eerie, uniform red
light
over the people present in the room, but for some reason this didn't help
to
calm his worries.
Comma splice. That when you use a comma to make two seperate sentences one
big
run-on sentence. In this case, you could have said "...red light over the
people present in the room. For some reason, this didn't help calm his
worries."
First sentence was describing the lights. Second sentence was describing
Ranma's reaction. Personally, I do it ALL the time. ^_~
Gloval gave a few orders, and soon the lightning was normal again.
´Something is wrong, I just know it.´ Ranma slowly backed to a corner.
Ranma
knew he wasn't supposed to be there, and he felt like he was intruding
where
he wasn't wanted.
Not that he ever let that stop him before or anything...
"There's something in the radar, Captain," said Vanessa, one of
members of the trio of young female techs that composed the bridge crew
along with Lisa and Claudia. "Something _very_ large."
Gee, I hope the good Miss Leeds can get it out of her radar, whatever it is.
It might start blocking her view of the screen. Because, you see, a blip or
other signal would be ON her radar, not IN it. Sort of like the way your hat
is ON your head, and your brain is IN your head.
"It must be the moon; that was the target of the fold," reasoned
Gloval, surprisingly calm.
Is it so surprising, really? As far as Gloval knows, everything has gone
according to plan, so far. The fold might have been a bit disturbing, but he
doesn't really have a need to panic.
<SNIP, SNIP!>
´Macross Island?´ wondered Ranma, not wanting to believe what his
Shouldn't it be "Ranma wondered", instead of "wondered Ranma"? I'm not
really sure, as it could be a matter of style, but something about the way
you put that sounds a trifle... off, I guess.
´The shelters!´ Ranma suddenly remembered that Jason, Max and Lena
were meant to be there with the rest of Macross population. ´Please, let
'em
be all right!´ he mutely prayed.
You need something up there on "Macross". I'm not sure if you want to say
"with the rest of the Macross population", or "with the rest of Macross
City's population", but you need to add something to that sentence so it
makes a bit more sense.
Vanessa gasped before yelling, "It's Macross Island, Captain! And
it's coming straight to us!"
Gloval hurried to her side and gave the readouts a quick glance.
"No, _we_ are going towards it!" Turning to his Bridge Officer, he ordered,
"Fire the retro rockets, Claudia!"
Is retro rockets really two different words? I always thought it was one
word, like afterburners.
Cladia quickly typed in her keyboard, sweat glistening in her
brow.
Remember that little "in/on" discussion we had earlier? Needless to say the
sweat is ON her brow.
The SDF-1 collided with the frozen island with devastating force,
pulling down the last standing buildings that had miraculously survived the
successive disasters.
Unless the ship attached some tow cables to those buildings, I think you
want to say it "knocked" down the last standing buildings...
In the bridge, everyone was knocked from their feet,
except for Ranma that managed somehow to keep his balance.
"On the bridge, everyone was thrown from their feet, except for Ranma, who
somehow managed to keep his balance."
Ranma noticed
through the commotion that one of the women had tripped and was falling
backwards, about to crash into one of the situation consoles. Almost
without
thinking, he leapt towards her, catching the woman before she could hit the
hard surface with her head.
And, since this is Ranma, we can all guess A) who he caught, and B) exactly
where on her anatomy he caught her. I sense a lot of pain coming for this
poor guy : Akane's got nothing on Commander Lisa Hayes. First of all, Lisa
is a lot less tolerant. She also owns a gun. ^_^
´That was a close one,´ thought Ranma, holding the lean woman in
his arms. "You okay, miss?" he asked, gazing at her face for the first
time.
´Oh, no.´
Oh, dear. ^_^
Lisa was looking at him through narrowed eyes, a deep frown in her
face. "Let go of me," she ordered in a the coldest tone he had ever heard.
"Now."
Hehehe. He is SO dead. Maybe Rick will be able to sympathise, in a few
weeks.
He would have never acknowledged it, but the ire visible in those
big brown eyes scared him. Thus, he released her a little too quickly, and
Lisa, surprised and unable to react, fell down to the floor on her bottom.
We know the floor is down, pal. Just "fell to the floor" is good enough.
Lisa's face reddened with anger as she tightly clenched her tiny
fists. Slowly, she stood up, letting out a growl and beginning to walk
towards Ranma using controlled, measured steps. The pig-tailed martial
artist retreated, warily eyeing the fuming Lisa, but stopped when he
realized that there was no place to run.
No place to run to, Ranma... No place to hide... And this woman has nearly
every Veritech jockey on board scared of her for a REASON. ^_^
Before things could escalate further, though, Kim, another of the
techs that formed the bridge crew, cut in, "The radar shows enemy mecha in
the island, sir! They're attacking!"
"Lisa! Order Lieutenant Commander Fokker's team to engage the
enemy!" ordered Gloval. "We need them there immediately!"
I believe Captain Gloval would simply say "Order Skull Squadron to engage
the enemy!" It's shorter, and more accurate.
"Yes, sir," said Lisa through locked teeth. Shooting Ranma one
last hateful glare, she hurried to her duty station. Ranma sighed,
You've got an extra space between "to" and "her".
relieved. Following her with his eyes, he noticed with detachment that she
was gently rubbing the sore spot with one of her hands, only to quickly
tear
his gaze away when he realized exactly _what_ he was staring at.
Of course, it helps that the part in question is quite stare-worthy. Still,
he's lucky he didn't get caught. ^_^
A faint blush coloring now his face, Ranma heard Lisa relaying
Gloval's command and couldn't help but wonder what were Rick and Minmei
doing in that moment. Not much, probably.
I think you mean Ranma was wondering "what Rick and Minmei were doing at
that moment".
At least, he was sure they couldn't be a having a time worse than
his.
Hey, give Rick a chance. He hasn't been introduced to Lisa yet. And,
considering how well the "Mr. Lingerie" incident plays out, I think he and
Ranma are going to be even as far as headaches go.
---
´What the heck're we gonna do now?´ That was the question that had
plagued Rick's mind for the last half an hour.
Mockinbird, the one-seater racer of his design that he had built
Typo : Rick's plane is called the Mockingbird. Although I'm not sure it can
be called a "plane" anymore, given the shape it's in. ^_^
with his own hands, was hanging upside down from a wide assortment of
cables
and lines, only a yard or two above the deck. Once, it had been white as
the
snow, with a red stripe along its side that had only served to make it look
all the more beautiful in his eyes. Now, however, most of the paint had
peeled off, and a big part of the fuselage had been damaged during their
chaotic reentry into the SDF-1.
I believe "re-entry" is hyphenated, but I'm not sure.
<SNIP!>
The last Battlepods remaining in the island had been dispatched
quickly. Most of them had thrown themselves blindly into a nearly-kamikaze
attack against the SDF-1, where its primary and secondary batteries,
Destroids, Spartans, Gladiators and other Civil Defense mecha--early
products of Robotechnology, incapable of flying but with lots of firepower
to compensate--had made short work of them.
Technically, it's not flight that the Destroids, Spartans, Gladiators,
Excaliburs, and so on are lacking. I mean, sure, they can't, but the real
lack is the fact they can't transform. They're ground mecha. They aren't
SUPPOSED to fly.
<SNIP!>
Ranma's eyes were wide as he thought of the implications this
unexpected turn of events could have. "She surely can't mean Pluto, right?"
he asked, turning to Lisa. "As in 'the planet Pluto'?"
"Yes." Lisa's tone was still vexed.
"Pluto?" asked Ranma one more time. "As in the farthest planet
>from the Sun?"
"YES!" she snapped.
Taken aback by her outburst, Ranma started to back down once
again, returning to his secluded corner. "Okay, okay. Jeez, what's with
her,
anyway?" he grumbled under his breath. "Why d' I always have to deal with
tomboys?"
I really liked this exchange. Very believable, and pretty in character for
both of them. Although, maybe for Ranma's last line, you could say something
more like : "How come I always gotta deal with tomboys?"
I think it sounds a little bit better, but that's just me.
<SNIP-SNIP-SNIP...>
Ranma gasped as the gravity of the situation finally sank in. How
were they going to return? Was returning even possible? Would he ever see
his friends, his family again? He couldn't brood on this matter for long,
though, as Claudia's melodious voice distracted him from his musings.
I thought you mentioned earlier that he hadn't seen any of his "family" in
years. Why would he get all choked up now over not seeing them again? It's
not like he was planning to visit anytime soon, right?
"C'mon, I'll take you to your quarters."
"Huh? Oh, yes. Nice to meet you, girls," he said to the trio of
techs, who had returned to their stations looking for something to do that
could take their minds away from the harsh reality.
"See you, hunk!" Sammie called out just as he was exiting the
bridge, and all three of the techs erupted in much-needed giggles that
seemed to sweep away the tense atmosphere in a moment. Lisa, however, just
whirled around, ignoring him, arms folded across her chest. Seeing her
reaction, Claudia let a knowing smirk reach her lips. ´This should prove
interesting.´
CLAUDIA : I can put them in a steel cage together, and let them fight to the
death! It'll be fun!
They made a quite peculiar couple: he, with broad
shoulders that denoted a lifetime of martial arts, and blue eyes partially
covered by a thick mop of black hair; she, with delicate features and dark
skin, and close, coffe-coloured curls that gave her a rather exotic beauty.
Typo : coffee-coloured
Unexpectedly, Claudia broke the silence. "She's not that bad,
y'know."
"Huh?" asked Ranma intelligently, caught off guard by the cryptic
remark.
"Lisa," she clarified. "She's not that bad--once you get to know
her."
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match... find me a find, catch me a
catch...
This is going to cause no end of trouble, isn't it? I mean, because Ranma
has always had SO much luck letting other people handle his romantic life,
hasn't he? ^_~
Ranma didn't seem convinced. "Maybe..."
"So," continued Claudia, obviously looking for topic of
conversation, "what do you do?"
"Me? I'm a martial artist," he said matter-of-factly.
"Really?" Claudia looked sincerely interested. She was an
accomplished hand-to-hand fighter, but she usually had a hard time finding
sparring partners, as not many RDF officers practiced some kind of combat
art.
BZZZT!
Sorry! All people in the RDF are proficient in some kind of combat art. Even
the bridge crew manage to wipe the floor with their opponents during the big
barroom brawl in Homecomings. No army lets its cadets out of basic training
without SOME kind of hand-to-hand combat skill. On top of that, Claudia
would have no problem finding a sparring partner : she's dating Roy Fokker.
The same Roy Fokker who's certain he could beat Lynn-Kyle in a fight. How
did he put it?
"A good big man beats a good little man every time."
Sorry about that, but you might want to come up with a better reason for her
to want a sparring partner than "nobody on the ship is good enough". How
about the fact that she out-ranks everybody but Lisa and Gloval? A lot of
soldiers would be worried about slugging a superior officer, even if she
wanted them to. Maybe Roy won't spar with her because he refuses to "damage
such a pretty face". It kind of sounds like something he'd say.
"Anything-Goes."
"Um, never heard of it," admitted Claudia. "Are you good at it?"
A cocky grin crept to Ranma's face upon hearing the question. "I'm
the best."
"Don't tell. Well, I know a couple of moves myself. Perhaps we
could spar someday?"
I think you want Claudia to say "Do tell", not "Don't tell". "Don't tell"
sounds like she doesn't want to hear it, i.e. she doesn't care.
The grin quickly disappeared, only to be replaced by a doubtful
expression. "Er, I dunno..."
Claudia's brows came together. "Why? What's the matter?"
"It's just that I don't like hittin' girls," Ranma nervously
explained. "Besides, I'm not sure you'd be much of a challenge, y'know?"
"Oh, is that so?" drawled Claudia, dangerously narrowing her eyes.
"Well, don't worry. We don't have to spar if you're afraid or something."
Oh, and here we go. All these years later, and Ranma still manages to paint
himself into a corner the second he opens his mouth. Pride and honesty are
NEVER a good combination.
Ranma drew back, almost as if she had thrown ice water in his
face. "Me? Afraid? Ha! I could beat you blind-folded!" he boasted, covering
his eyes with one of his hands to illustrate his point.
"Great, then," said Claudia, trying to keep the smirk out of her
face--and failing. "I'll call you when things calm down a little bit and
we'll set the day."
"Huh?"
"Well, that's the one," she said, pointing with one of her slender
fingers to a hatch at the end of the corridor. "I gotta get going."
"But--"
"Bye!" yelled Claudia over her back as she ran away.
"Wait!" called out Ranma, but it was too late; she was already
disappearing in one of the wide halls, slim legs moving with incredible
grace.
´What has just happened?´ wondered Ranma, still staring in the
direction she had gone. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought
that she had tricked him--but that wasn't possible, right?
Seems like he's doubting himself, here. I'd rephrase it a little, just to
show that he still hasn't learned anything. Try "he would have thought she
had just tricked him... but that wasn't possible. Nobody EVER tricked Ranma
Saotome."
<And one, and two, and three, and SNIP!>
---
Breetai, commander of the Zentraedi fleet sent to retrieve the
missing Dimensional Fortress, was angry. More than angry, he was furious,
enraged.
Just a tip. Whenever you're listing somebody like that (you know, title,
position, so on), it's a good idea to include their last name. In this case,
that would mean putting "Breetai Tul, Commander of the Zentraedi fleet sent
to retrieve the Dimensional Fortress, was angry."
How it was that Zor's ship had escaped, he
Uhm, wouldn't that be "Zor's Ship"? The name that the Zentraedi give the
SDF-1 is "Zor's Ship", so the "ship" is considered part of its title.
Dolza, had been bested by mere primitives. Right when he thought the
Dimensional Fortress would finally be his, when there seemed to be no way
out for the weaklings, they had somehow executed a spacefold operation
right
over the surface of their puny planet--which was supposed to be impossible!
Actually, as Exedore pointed out at the time, it's not impossible. It's just
considered so insane and dangerous that nobody would ever consider doing it.
That's one of the first things about the Terrans that impresses Breetai : he
thinks they deliberately put themselves and all of Macross at risk on
purpose,
because they didn't want to lose. He might be impressed at their guts, or
shocked by their lack of sanity, but he wouldn't think such a move
impossible.
<SNIP AGAIN!>
They had found them once, and they would find them again. And this
time, there would be no mistakes.
The way you put this, it sounds like Breetai wants to find the people on
board the SDF-1. He doesn't care about them : he wants the ship. So, "They
had found it once, and they would find it again."
<JUST A TRIM AROUND THE EARS>
The Tendo dojo... After that terrible day in the Phoenix Mountain,
Ranma had returned to Nerima only once. Gathering enough courage to face
Kasumi, Soun and Nabiki was one of the most difficult tasks he ever did.
But, somehow, his voice had been steady and his eyes free of tears while he
had looked at them in the eye and told them Akane had died.
Afterwards, he had tried to forget and go on with his life, as so
many of his friends had advised him. But every single place in Nerima
brought Akane back. If he hadn't done something, anything, he would have
gone crazy. So he had made a decision. One night, while everyone was
sleeping, he had left the house, carrying nothing but his old leather
backpack and without so much as a backward glance.
He had lost a home--his first and only home--that night.
Which begs my point : Ranma never had any plans or intentions to ever see
his family again! Why should he CARE if he's in orbit around Pluto? He has
nowhere else to be!
Yep, life was looking good for the youngest Saotome.
And somewhere, for no apparent reason, Mousse, Ryoga, Tatewaki, Kodachi, and
Cologne all got the urge to do something really nasty. Because that is how
life works for young Ranma.
<SNIP!>
He had thought thing couldn't get any worse... He should have
known better: bad news always come in pairs.
Actually, bad news always comes in threes. This might make for some good
foreshadowing : have Gloval worrying about what the third piece of bad news
would be. (I'm guessing that huge alien armada heading in his general
direction. Anyone feel like taking bets?)^_^
"So, you see, Captain," Doctor Emil Lang was saying, "firing the
main gun is, at the moment, impossible."
Slight of build and of average height, Lang's most distinctive
feature were his eyes: pupilless, irisless, all black eyes that seemed to
look in every direction at the same time--and then beyond.
Nitpick #2 : McKinney is never sure about Lang's eyes. Sometimes he says
they're all pupil, and at others claims they're blank, with neither pupil
nor iris. If you say all-pupil, try to do McKinney one better, and stick to
it.
"I see only one solution. The SDF-1's construction isn't very
different from the Veritech fighter's construction."
Except, of course, for the fact that it's completely different. Why not have
Lang mention instead that since the SDF-1 had transformed on a small scale
before (when they were in it), it might be possible to transform it on a
large scale, like a Veritech?
Damn! Why was everything always so difficult?
RYOGA : Because the world is a dark and lonely place, Captain. And it's all
Ranma's fault. Trust me on that one.
<SNIPPETY-SNIP!>
Ranma stood in the wet earth, drenched from head to toes. "Aw,
just _great_!" she grumbled, before running the rest of the way up to the
dojo. Just the thing she needed, and after she had stayed male for so
long--almost a personal record.
Don't feel bad, Ranma-chan. We all knew it had to happen eventually. You may
as well get it out of the way as soon as possible.
"Excuse me, lady," came suddenly a voice from the restaurant's
direction. "Do I know you?"
See what I mean? ^_^
Ranma whirled around, and she found Lena standing next to her
home's front gate, looking at her with a curious expression. "Eh, I'm..."
stuttered a panicked Ranma, only to say the first thing that came to her
mind, "Ranko! Yeah, that's me: good ol' Ranko." Nervous laughter escaped
Ranma's lips as she unsuccessfully tried to look innocent.
Hehehehe. Yup, good old Ranko. It's always nice to see her pop up every now
and again, isn't it?
Lena smiled knowingly. "You wouldn't happen to know Ranma, by any
chance?"
"Uh? Ah, yes, I'm a friend of his," assured Ranma, nodding
vigorously. "Definitely."
"A friend? Then, why're you using his clothes?" asked Lena,
RANKO : Did I say friend? I meant sister.
LENA : He never said he had a sister.
RANKO : What? Uh... how dare he not mention me! His favorite cousin!
LENA : I thought you said you were his sister.
RANKO : Uhm... I am! His twin... cousin's... sister's... ah, hell. Got a
kettle?
"I... Uh, er..." babbled Ranma, all the time rubbing the back of
her head with one of her hands.
Deciding she had made the girl suffer long enough, Lena walked up
to her and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "No need to explain,
Ranko. I was young once, y'know," said the tall woman, winking
conspiratorially. "Besides, any friend of Ranma's is a friend of mine. I'm
Lena, Ranma lives with us. C'mon, let's go inside. I want to know
_everything_ about you!"
As Ranma was dragged by a very enthusiastic Lena towards the White
Dragon, she couldn't help but ask, one more time, ´Why me?´
RYOGA : Because you're finally getting what you deserve!
WHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
<SNIP!>
"Exactly, sir," Exedore said. "But I believe there's something
else you should see, Your Excelence."
Typo : "Excellence"
Breetai leapt to his feet. "What was THAT?" he bellowed in his
rumbling, echoing bass, his single eye wide.
His loyal counselor was quick to answer. "It seems to be some sort
of energy, sir. We have amplified the image a thousand times, and I can all
but affirm that he isn't holding any recognizable weapon. In fact, I
believe the energy comes from within him."
"But how is this even possible? Is it an android?" In their long
history, the Zentraedi had encountered numerous sentient races dispersed
throughout the galaxy. Many of them had possessed advanced robots that
resembled members of their species; they had all only been stupid machines,
though, incapable of free thinking. Nothing the warrior race's powerful
armada hadn't been able to defeat in mere seconds.
I half-expected another Transformers reference in here. ^_^
<SNIP TO END>
To be continued...
And I for one am glad it is. This is one of the best cross-overs I've read
in a while, and it's always a pleasure to C&C. You seemed to have one or two
rough spots here and there, mostly the misconception about RDF combat
training, but other than that, I'd say this is one of your best chapters
yet. The plot proceeds apace, and the characterisations are more or less
dead on. You still manage to avoid retelling scenes we already know, but
make sure people less familiar with Robotech can still follow the story.
Good work, my friend, and I'm looking forward to Chapter Six already!
Farewell!
-Morgan Hudson
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