Another nice installment. I'm enjoying this story considerably,
thus far: you're focusing on Ayeka and Ryouko in a setting
where we don't see them very often, and showing us how the two
can work together as a team.
overhead as they lifted out of the planet's asmotsphere from
'atmosphere'
"No com transmissions, no psi activity that I could detect
and there's someone of immense power nearby. Can't you feel
it?"
I don't remember which continuity you have this set in, but
this comment seems very TV to me. (Actually, from the ending
this has to be TV.) I find this interesting, too: exploring
Ayeka's capabilities in the TV continuity where she probably
more powerful (certainly in her own right, as opposed to
calling on Ryuu-oh), and Ryouko's equal.
Ryoko, the woman who had destroyed Jurai, stands before you,
But if this is TV continuity, Ryouko never destroyed Jurai.
As far as we know, she never visited it before the conclusion
of the TV series, and she came a lot closer to being destroyed
there.
"To bisnuess then," Ayeka was saying. "I'm offering a fifteen
You're spelling "business" funny at several places. Is this
deliberate?
Ryoko loved a good fight. She suspected that it was something
Kagato instilled in her when he and Washu put her together.
Also an OAV reference. Are you deliberately mixing continuities?
If so, then you might want to warn your readers
Once, during a lull, she caught sight of Ayeka. The princess
didn't just move, she /flowed/ and the former space pirate had
to admire the difference.
<clip>
Ayeka looked over at Ryoko and had to admire her. The
pirate's fighting style was beautiful in a primal sort of way.
Moving fast, the reformed pirate struck like a jungle cat.
I liked this juxtaposition, though I think your wording could
stand some improvement. The images you evoke here have a lot
to do with how your readers will perceive both the current
state of the R-A relationship and the future one towards
which you're heading.
cabinet in one corner and open it to reveal a streamlined
version of the traditional Juraian battle regalia which she
began to put on with quick movements.
Awww, no transformation ring?
Set within it was a wooden staff, one end curiously twisted
and containing a crystal colored orb.
Another TV reference.
"Yes," Ayeka agreed. "I'm now glad Father made me study ancient
Jurai history, or I never would have made the connection." A sad
smile flitted across her face. "I wonder if he knew, even back
then. . ."
Interesting... Given how you end.
"I know who the Kingpin is," Ayeka whispered.
<clip>
"You know, I'd feel a bit better if I knew who we're
going to be facing."
<clip>
"He's the last person you want to face," she added under
her breath.
<clip>
"No way princess," Ryoko retorted. "If the Kingpin is who I
think it is, you're gonna need all the help you can get."
Given the continuity mixture in which you're indulging,
you appear to be saying that Kagato is both Ryouko's
co-creator and Ayeka's father. This raises some
interesting questions: which Kagato, TV or OAV? And,
more interestingly, what does the a semi-sibling
relationship between Ayeka and Ryouko do to their
existing relationship?
"It's a pair of women," Ryoko noted and rolled the larger
of the two over. "Holy-" she gasped out. "Ayeka, it's -"
Why don't you just tell us it's Mihoshi and Kiyone? Given
that we don't know another pair of women, I don't think there's
much suspense.
Turning, she drew the Nochi-ken and faced the Kingpin. He was
dressed in full Juraian battle regalia and also holding a sword.
For some reason, the twin lights of madness burning in his eyes
made her feel a little better about what she had to do.
"So you came," He said, igniting his sword and moving into a
guarding stance.
"Yes Father," Ayeka replied, igniting the Nochi-ken and
moving into a similar stance. "I came."
"Yes, Ayeka, Obi-Wan lied to you. I am your father."
"NOOOO!"
So I take it Ayeka will have an artificial hand after the next
episode? ;)