Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][R.5/Tenchi] One Crazy Summer
From: "Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com>
Date: 7/18/2000, 10:37 AM
To: "'Kyhdin@aol.com'" <Kyhdin@aol.com>, ffml@fanfic.com

Warning:  one of my big bugaboos as a critic is insufficient
Japanese verisimilitude.  Unfortunately, this fic runs afoul
of this on several points, possibly deliberately.  That's
why this critique probably sounds pretty negative.

OTOH, as storytelling, I take this to be a prelude to a
mini-series with the entire Nerima cast spending
two months (Japanese high school summer vacation's length
is two, not three) at the Masaki shrine.  Given the title,
and the presumed subject, I'd expect this prelude to be
somewhat wackier than it is.


"Ranma! How ya been?" Tenchi asked, genuinely pleased to see 
his friend.

Tenchi goes to Furinkan.  Okay, first warning not to take
this fic _too_ seriously...

"Well. . ." Tenchi began as he looked at the setting sun. It 
was getting late and he still had an hour on the train to get
home.

...and either Okayama is much closer to Tokyo here, or
Tenchi doesn't live in Okayama... (which is between 3 & 4 hours
from Tokyo by Shinkansen).

It was tastefully decorated and the air was scented with the
smell of meat, cooking oil and spices.

I liked this description, btw.  OTOH, Ucchan's doesn't have
booths, just a counter.

"To bachelorhood."

"To bachelorhood," Tenchi agreed, clinking his glass with Ranma's.

This is in Ucchan's?  And there's no spatula decorating Ranma's
head immediately afterwards?

"C'mon," Tenchi said. "Day hikes, fishing, and Grandpa could 
probably give you some tips for dealing with Kuno."

Ranma might be attracted by the lure of learning from a
formidable kendo master; he is much less likely to think
he needs any tips for dealing with Kuno.

deal. Three months away from Akane, Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi.

I take it this story is based on Ranma TV continuity, rather
than manga?  Manga Ranma would hardly be looking forward to
three months away from Akane.

Besides, he and Kami-Sama probably needed to talk about some
of the recent events in his life and a shrine was probably
the best place.

Granted, Ranma probably does have some notions about religion
that westerners might find rather odd (such as using a Shinto
shrine as a venue for communicating with a Christian God),
but this sentence, as written, implies somewhat more partiality
to Christianity (I assume, given that's its presence in Japan
is much larger than Judaism or Islam) than I'd credit Ranma
with.  What we know of Ranma's upbringing implies little to
no formal exposure to Christianity of the sort which leads to
a desire for personal communication (as opposed to hearing
a few stories from the Bible, say).  I'd suggest something
more like "Besides, given the recent events in his life, a
quiet place to meditate for a while sounded real good."

This, of course, raises another subject, dear to the hearts
of other critics on this list:  does Ranma enjoy his life,
or not?  My own interpretation of Ranma, which I don't
expect everyone to share, is that he'd be bored stiff after
just a few days at a typical country shrine, and that he
knows this, unconsciously or consciously.  In other words,
many will take Ranma as OOC here, in agreeing when the lure
is peace and quiet.  Now, a lure of a problem requiring a
martial artist to fix, on the other hand...

"Why not tonight?" Ranma asked, suddenly remembering the last 
time he had tried to leave for a vacation and had made the
mistake of telling the family.

Again, this is in Ucchan's?  So she knows right away.
Presumably this is why the title.  (Ukyou leads all the
other denizens of Nerima to the Masaki Shrine, and they
all camp there all summer?)


-- .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---. | Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'