In a message dated 7/18/00 7:36:36 AM, bert.miller@unisys.com writes:
Warning: one of my big bugaboos as a critic is insufficient
Japanese verisimilitude. Unfortunately, this fic runs afoul
of this on several points, possibly deliberately.
I don't know any, at least not enough to make it sound credible. Actually,
back when I lurked on the ASMR website, somebody posted some advice, part of
it basically said, in reference to using Japanese forms of adress and phrases
when writing SM fics based on the dub, "If you don't know enough Japanese to
make it look real, don't." I don't, so I don't.
That's why this critique probably sounds pretty negative.
OTOH, as storytelling, I take this to be a prelude to a
mini-series with the entire Nerima cast spending
two months (Japanese high school summer vacation's length
is two, not three) at the Masaki shrine. Given the title,
and the presumed subject, I'd expect this prelude to be
somewhat wackier than it is.
I like to start up slow and then build from there.
"Ranma! How ya been?" Tenchi asked, genuinely pleased to see
his friend.
Tenchi goes to Furinkan. Okay, first warning not to take
his fic _too_ seriously...
Why else do you think nobody really came to investigate while Ryoko was
tearing the place up? :-)
"Well. . ." Tenchi began as he looked at the setting sun. It
was getting late and he still had an hour on the train to get
home.
...and either Okayama is much closer to Tokyo here, or
Tenchi doesn't live in Okayama... (which is between 3 & 4 hours
>from Tokyo by Shinkansen).
The TV series of Tenchi implied he was living just outside of town in the
lower mountains and busing in to go to school. The OAV, if memory serves,
said basically the same thing.
It was tastefully decorated and the air was scented with the
smell of meat, cooking oil and spices.
I liked this description, btw. OTOH, Ucchan's doesn't have
booths, just a counter.
And hopefully tables for the lunchtime rush. 'Specially if Ukyo has half the b
rains I give her credit for. They're sitting at one of the tables then.
"To bachelorhood."
"To bachelorhood," Tenchi agreed, clinking his glass with Ranma's.
This is in Ucchan's? And there's no spatula decorating Ranma's
head immediately afterwards?
Ukyo's not paying attention, and they're not exactly within earshot of the
counter. All she might see is to guys toasting something.
"C'mon," Tenchi said. "Day hikes, fishing, and Grandpa could
probably give you some tips for dealing with Kuno."
Ranma might be attracted by the lure of learning from a
formidable kendo master; he is much less likely to think
he needs any tips for dealing with Kuno.
Yeah, I thought the phrasing was bad too, but I couldn't think of any way to
reword it to sound better.
deal. Three months away from Akane, Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi.
I take it this story is based on Ranma TV continuity, rather
than manga? Manga Ranma would hardly be looking forward to
three months away from Akane.
The Dub Anime actually. Write what you know and all that.
Besides, he and Kami-Sama probably needed to talk about some
of the recent events in his life and a shrine was probably
the best place.
Granted, Ranma probably does have some notions about religion
that westerners might find rather odd (such as using a Shinto
shrine as a venue for communicating with a Christian God),
but this sentence, as written, implies somewhat more partiality
to Christianity (I assume, given that's its presence in Japan
is much larger than Judaism or Islam) than I'd credit Ranma
with. What we know of Ranma's upbringing implies little to
no formal exposure to Christianity of the sort which leads to
a desire for personal communication (as opposed to hearing
a few stories from the Bible, say). I'd suggest something
more like "Besides, given the recent events in his life, a
quiet place to meditate for a while sounded real good."
I thought Kami-Sama was part of the Shinto religion. Doh!
This, of course, raises another subject, dear to the hearts
of other critics on this list: does Ranma enjoy his life,
or not? My own interpretation of Ranma, which I don't
expect everyone to share, is that he'd be bored stiff after
just a few days at a typical country shrine, and that he
knows this, unconsciously or consciously. In other words,
many will take Ranma as OOC here, in agreeing when the lure
is peace and quiet. Now, a lure of a problem requiring a
martial artist to fix, on the other hand...
Who said he wouldn't have problems?
"Why not tonight?" Ranma asked, suddenly remembering the last
time he had tried to leave for a vacation and had made the
mistake of telling the family.
Again, this is in Ucchan's? So she knows right away.
Presumably this is why the title. (Ukyou leads all the
other denizens of Nerima to the Masaki Shrine, and they
all camp there all summer?)
Sore wa Himitsu desu. . . ;-)
Agreeable Komodo
He who bought it, supplied it.
Just say yes to prophylactics.