Standard disclaimer stuff: Ranma 1/2 belongs to the brilliant Rumiko
Takahashi, the companies she sold the story to, and all those people
that dubbed and stuff like that. I think.
Thanks to Megane 6.7, whose MST series inspired me to do this sorta
thing, not to mention giving me hours of laughter. Heh.
I still don't intend to offend anyone by doing this, but if you are, I
appologize most humbly. Well, I might not mean it, but I still
appologize. Okay, let's get it on! Er, start the fic..
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The house was silent. Was, but it isn't now. Akane seems rather mad at
the moment, and with good reason. "What do you think you're doing with
Ranma?!" Akane demanded.
"I'm teaching him a new technique!" Genma responded.
"Oh, by locking him in the basement with Ryouga and Ukyou?!" questioned
Akane.
"Yeah.. uh.. he volunteered to! They all did! Yeah, aheh heh.." Seeing
Akane calm at this, he continued. "Ranma wants to learn the Otaku-ken,
with it, he'll be invincible!" Genma explained.
"Oh.. I see. Well, wish him luck for me!" With this, Akane left with
her friends, to go somewhere the author can't think of.
Meanwhile, back in the basement, Ranma beat furiously on the walls.
"Damn! He reinforced all of it! Say... where did he get the money to do
this, anyway? And why didn't I see him making it?" Ranma wondered.
"Eh, he probably did it overnight.. or somethin'.. Maybe he has some
hidden fortune you don't know about?" Ukyou suggested.
"Hmm, could be. Pops never was very honest with me.." Before Ranma
could go any further, the viewscreen came to life.
"Hi, boy. I've got the controls fixed and a treat all ready for you. By
the way, Akane wishes you luck," Genma said.
"Akane knows about this?!" Ranma and Ryouga exclaimed.
"Ah.. well, she found out, yes," Genma explained, "but I managed to
convince her to see things my way."
"Stupid tomboy! How could she agree with this?!" Ranma demanded.
"Well, I told her you all volunteered," Genma chuckled, "so she didn't
mind."
Ukyou jumped in front of the screen. "When I get out of here, I'm gonna
grind you up and make panda meat Okonomiyaki!!"
Genma winced at that. "Now.. when you learn the Otaku-ken, you'll all
thank me. Speaking of you all, where's that Hibiki boy?"
"I dunno," Ranma said, "he just kinda.. went off somewhere."
Just then, electricity crackled and a burnt Ryouga fell from behind the
viewscreen. "Ryouga!" Ukyou exclaimed, "what happened?"
Ryouga stood up. "I tried to cut the wires on the screen, but there's
some kinda trap on it." Ryouga growled at the image of Genma on the
viewscreen.
"Enough," said Genma, "It's time for today's treat. You''ll be reading
chapter two of 'In Mind and Body,' and I DO hopy you enjoy it."
Lights blinked, signs flashed, bells rang, and somewhere, an Angel got
its wings. The image of Genma was replaced with...
Chapter 1
-------------
[Ranma is standing in front of a full length mirror and is motionless]
--Ryouga: <sobbing, as Ranma> No, I can't be that ugly!
--Ranma: <growls> You'll eat those words, Ryouga..
Akane: Are you buying any of this, onee-chan?
--Ukyou: <as Nabiki> Nah, I got dirt on the shop owner.. I can get it
for free!
Nabiki: [waves her hand in front of Ranma] I just don't know.
--Ranma: Ah.. Nabiki doesn't know.. VERY out of character...
Ranma: What...[still looking straight at the mirror] What happened to
me?
Why do I look like...Ryoga?
--Ranma: <snickers> I said you'd eat those words, Ryouga...
--Ryouga: Oh, shut up!
--Ranma: Why don't you make me, pig boy?!
Akane: Ryoga...snap out of it already.
--Ukyou: Akane's oblivious... at least SHE'S in character.
Ranma: [glares at Akane] Shut up! I'm Ranma! How many times do I have
to
tell you!
Nabiki: Geez, don't get angry with us Ryoga.
--Ryouga: <whistles> No one here but us Ryoga..
Ranma: Aarrggghhh! [gets angry and punches the mirror causing it to
explode
in a million pieces]
--Ukyou: Exactly a million? Wow, Ranchan's sure precise with his
punches..
Akane: [glares at Ranma] Hey! That's my mirror you just destroyed!
[brings
out her mallet and was about to hit Ranma]
--Ukyou: ..but then she decided to do something original and slapped
him with a flyswatter.
Ranma: [grabs the mallet of Akane's hand] You want proof!
--Ranma: 100 proof would be nice..
[grabs Akane with
one hand] I don't think Ryoga has ever done this...[passionately kisses
Akane]
--Ukyou: Neither have you, Ranma.. at least you BETTER not have..
<raises Battle Spatula>
--Ranma: Woah, woah.. calm down, Ucchan.. it's just the author's
imagination..
Nabiki: [grins] Well, I have to admit...only Ranma could be so bold.
--Ryouga: ...Or Happosai, or Shampoo, or Kodachi, or Kuno..
Akane: [enjoying the kiss]<Hmm...Ranma? Wait...> [relaxes a bit] <Oh,
defintely him>
--Ryouga: <shields eyes> It's too much...
Ranma: [smiles at Akane] Satisfied? [Akane only blushes]
Nabiki: [giggling] Is she ever.
--Ukyou: <immitating Nabikik> Hee hee hee hee hee hee <snorts> hee hee
hee hee hee <snorts> <snorts> hee hee!
Akane: Ran..Ranma, what happened to you? And, why do you have Ryoga's
body?
[Just then the door swings open revealing Ryoga in Ranma's body,
followed by
Ukyou and Kasumi]
--Ryouga: ...All in Ranma's body.
Ryoga: Ranma! What have you done with me?
--Ranma: I stuck ya in my sock drawer for safe keepin'!
[rushes in to strike]
--Ukyou: Done WITH him? Ranma's body's a blessing..
--Ryouga: Hey! Ranma's a stick..
--Ranma: I could take you out anyday, pig boy..
Ukyou: What are you doing here Ryoga? We were supposed to have a date,
remember?
--Ukyou: Yeah! The guy I really like wants to take me out, so you'd
better hurry up and take me out so he stops! C'mon, hurry! I can't
stand it!
Ryoga: [glares back at Ukyou] Will you stop that. I'm Ryoga...and...
[stares
at Ranma] and... [pauses] you're me? [blinks] What?
Ranma: [blinks upon seeing Ryoga in his body] You're...me, but, how?
--Ukyou: [blinks] the mothership still isn't here?
--Ranma: [blinks] Jeez, with all the Jusenkyou curses, potions, and
weirdness that goes on in my life, you'd think they'd be used to it...
--Ryouga: [blinks] You forgot, everyone's OOC.
--Ukyou: [blinks] I'm just waiting to hitch a ride on the mothership..
Akane: [steps in between Ranma and Ryoga] Wait a sec... [points to
Ranma]
You're Ranma...[Ranma only nods] but you look like Ryoga.
--Ranma: ...why the Hell is that so hard to understand?
[points to Ryoga]
And you're Ryoga...[Ryoga confirms
--Ukyou: ...by pulling out an AK-47 and gunning down everyone, before
turning the gun on himself. The End.
] but you look like Ranma. What the hell
happened?
Kasumi: [smiling] It looks like they've exchange bodies.
[Everybody stares at Kasumi for a moment]
Kasumi: Did I say something wrong?
--All: YES, YOU DID!!
Nabiki: That makes sense. Somehow, Ranma and Ryoga must have switched
bodies.
Ranma: That's ridiculous
--Ryouga: -ly obvious.
Ryoga: Ryoga's right. No wait...I mean Ranma's right. <This is getting
confusing>
--Ranma: It's simple, I'm the one who isn't you... jeez.
Akane: Well that explains why Ranma looks like Ryoga, and vice versa.
Ukyou: But, how? This is such a freak accident or something.
--Ukyou: I think I'm drunk in this fic..
[Everybody pauses a bit to think]
--All: <sings> I can feel it coming in the air tonight, hold on..
Everyone: Happousai!
--Ranma: Jeez, they're so smart...
[In the Nekohanten]
Cologne: Get away from me Happy!
--Ukyou: <as cockney Cologne> Get your own 'appy!
Happousai: But I made something special for you!
Cologne: I don't want anything from you...you hentai!
--Ryouga: Happosai hentai.. <shudders>
[whacks Happousai with
her staff]
Happousai: [massages his head] Oww! I'll have you,
--Ukyou: My pretty, and your little dog, too!
--Ranma: Gods.. this IS turning into a Happosai/Cologne lemon..
whether you like
it...[brings out some fine powder] or not. [blows it towards Cologne]
--Ukyou: Yep, Ranchan.. he's blowing Cologne already.
--Ryouga & Ranma: Eww!
[Cologne jumps away from the cloud of dust but lands in front of the
doorway
leading into the kitchen. At that same moment, Shampoo came out of the
kitchen and knocks her great-grandmother straight into the mist]
Shampoo: What is commotion?
--Ranma: <gets out a dictionary> Commotion, (n): 1. A state of civil
unrest. 2. A disturbance, tumult. 3. Noisy confusion and bustle.
[sees Happousai dragging her great-grandmother
outside the restaurant] Great-grandmother?
Mousse: [sees Shampoo leaving the Nekohaten]<Where is she going?>
Shampoo: [hops on her bicycle and follows her great-grandmother] Wait!
[At the Tendo dojo, Ryoga and Ranma storms into Happousai's room]
Ranma: Where the hell are you? Come out you freak!
Ryoga: Happousai! I'll kill you for doing this to me!
--Ryouga: <groans> my thoughts exactly..
[The room is empty, so they storm down the stairs]
Ranma: Where could that pervert be?
Ryoga: No doubt he's up to some panty raid again.
Ukyou: Well, what did he say?
--All: HE SAID "NO DOUBT HE'S UP TO SOME PANTY RAID AGAIN"!!
Ryoga: We don't know.
Akane: You don't know?
--Ranma: <as Ryouga> I dunno, do I?
--Ukyou: <as Akane> How am I supposed to know?
--Ranma: <as Ryouga> I dunno, how are you?
--Ukyou: <as Akane> I'm just fine, thanks. How're you?
--Ranma: <as Ryouga> What are you talking about?
--Ukyou: <as Akane> What? You mean you don't know?
--Ranma: <as Ryouga> Of course I don't!
Ranma: He wasn't in his room.
Both girls: Oh.
[Just then the gates swing open and
--Ukyou: ...knock Ranma and Ryouga unconscious and into the Koi pond,
where they both drown to death. The End.
Happousai enters carrying the
unconscious Cologne]
--Ryouga: I liked your one better, Ukyou.
Happousai: Tadaima! Now, where is Ranko?
--Ranma: There ain't no Ranko..
Nabiki: There he is!
Ranma: [grabs Happousai] Spill it, old ghoul! What did you do to me?
--Ryouga: Uh, Ranma? Why are you talking to Cologne while grabbing
Happosai?
--Ranma: Don't ask me, blame the writer..
Happousai: [slaps Ranma to get himself free] Ryoga! What are you
talking
about? [sees Ryoga] Ah, my Ranko. [drags Ryoga towards the yard]
Ryoga: Hey! What the...[cold water is poured on him by Happousai]
hell...[blinks] What's this...[checks his body] <Yikes, I'm a girl!>
--Ranma: Now you know what it's like, hahah!
--Ukyou: <little girl voice> and now he's got hoo-hoos and a hee-hee..
Ranma: [blinks] Ryoga turned into a girl.
--Ryouga: [blinks] Of course he did.
--Ukyou: [blinks] Damn mothership isn't coming..
--Ranma: [blinks] Well, maybe they were just blinking becuase they were
confused..
--Ukyou: [blinks] So there's no mothership?
--All: Awww!
Akane: Of course he turned into a girl, he is in your body!
Ranma: <In my body? Then that means...I'll turn into a pig if I get
drenched
in cold water.>
--Ryouga: ...or if any even remotely cool water touches you anywhere..
--Ukyou: Wait...why would he turn into a pig?
--Ranma & Ryouga: The author's imagination!
--Ryouga: Yeah.. aheh heh, that's it..
[grimacing] <This is not good>
Nabiki: What's wrong, Ranma? Don't you enjoy having a body that doesn't
have
a curse?
Ranma: Yeah, right. It's not mine, Nabiki.
Ukyou: Hey guys. What is that troll doing with Ran-chan?
--Ranma: I'm a big fan of those.. They have that nice hair and you can
collect them and all.. You should see my collection someday.
Wait...I mean with
Ryoga?
--Ryouga: You do?
--Ukyou: I do?
--Ryouga: I dunno, do you?
--Ranma: Do you think we've done this enough times yet?
--Ryouga: I dunno, do you?
--Ukyou: I don't think I do, do you?
--Ranma: Argh!
Kasumi: [smiles again] It looks like they're going to take a bath.
[On the yard Happousai drags Ryoga and Cologne towards the pond]
Happousai: I'll first have to
--Ukyou: ...Tell everyone my master plan.
--Ryouga: ...Watch "This Old House" for step by step instructions.
--Ranma: ...Get beaten by the whole cast.
wake Cologne. [pulls out some smelling salts
and tries to wake Cologne] Now...I'll just...[throws Cologne and Ryoga
into
the pond] throw them in. <The pond should be cold by now. Perfect>
Ryoga: [rises up and glares at Happousai] Why you freak! I'll get you
for...[Happousai jumpes up to Ryoga's new breast] What?
--All: Our sentiments exactly!
Happousai: [drooling] Oh, my love. I've finally fulfilled my dream.
[gets a
whack from behind which forces him down towards the ground] Oww!
Cologne: [whacks Happousai till he was almost unconscious] You Hentai!
--Ranma: Ugh, I do not want to see his hentai..
I've
never been so insulted in all of my life!
Happousai: What? Oww! Cologne? Why are you still in you're old and
wrinkled
body? Oww!
Cologne: Who are you calling...old? [hits him again and again]
--Ryouga: And again and again and again and again..
--Ranma: <slaps Ryouga upside the head> His needle's stuck..
--Ryouga: And again and again and again and again and again..
--Ukyou: Let me try! <swats Ryouga over the head with her battle
spatula>
--Ryouga: <shakes his head> Oop.. thanks, Ukyou.
Happousai: Oww! What happened to my potion? It was suppose to put you
in my
Ranko's body. Arrggh! [gets a punch from Ryoga]
Ryoga: So it was you who did this to me! You'll pay! [is kicked out of
the
dojo by Ryoga]
--Ryouga: Wait.. I was kicked out of the Dojo by myself?
--Ranma: <blinks> I guess so..
Cologne: Thank you, son-in-law.
Ryoga: [still in rage] I'm not you're son-in-law!
--Ryouga: Okay, let me get this straight... Cologne is her own
son-in-law?
[tries to punch Cologgne]
--Ranma: But misses and hits Cologne.
Cologne: [bops Ryoga on the head] What are you talking about
son-in-law?
Ryoga: I said...
--Ukyou: The raven flies at dusk.
BAKUSAI TENKETSU! [The earth beneath the two explodes]
Cologne: [jumping out of the way] How did you learn that son-in-law? I
only
taught that technique to Ryoga Hibiki.
Ranma: That's because he is Ryoga Hibiki.
Ryoga: Thank you!
--Ryouga: ..everybody, Goodnight!
Ranma: Don't mention it, Ranko. [grins]
Ryoga: [blinks] What? <Damn it. That's right. I'm a girl!>
--Ranma: I always knew you were a girl at heart, Ryouga..
--Ryouga: Get bent.
Cologne: Then [pointing at Ranma] you are...son-in-law?
Ranma: That's right.
Akane: Ranma!!! [brings out her mallet]
Ranma: Huh? Wait...I didn't mean it that way. Akane, wait!
Ukyou: [helps Ryoga out of the small crater he just created][grins] Not
bad...for a girl. [giggles]
--Ukyou: <monotone> Hee hee hee hee hee.
Ryoga: That's not funny!
Ukyou: Oh, lighten up! Just think...you'll never turn into...[makes
sure
Akane was not listening] a pig. [smiles]
--Ukyou: What am I talking about?
--Ranma: Uh... what do you mean, Ucchan?
--Ryouga: <sweating> Yeah.. Ukyou-san.. what?
--Ukyou: 'Bout you turning into a pig!
--Ranma & Ryouga: The author's imagination.
--Ukyou: Oh.. okay..
Ryoga: [blinks] Hey that's right.
Kasumi: Come inside, dinner is ready!
--Ranma: <as Kasumi> We're having Teriyaki hentai and rice!
Nabiki: <There must be a way I could profit from all of this>
--Ukyou: Why don't you just sell your soul to Satan?
[Everybody enters the dojo, except Ranma and Akane who are still
fighting]
Ranma: Akane, wait! Oww! [a mallet hits his head]
--All: <singing> It's rainin' mallets...
Akane: Son-in-law! Son-in-law! Why don't you marry Shampoo this
instant!
--Ukyou: Because Ranchan loves me.
BAKA!
Ranma: Don't be stupid, I don't want to marry that amazon bimbo.
--Ukyou: See?
Shampoo: [jumping with her bike up the fence] Who are you calling
bimbo?
--All: BZZT! Wrong!
--Ranma: THIS is how Shampoo woulda said it. <takes a deep breath> "Who
you call bimbo?!"
Akane: Whom are you calling stupid?
Ranma: [Walks inside] Ahh! Nevermind!
Akane: [following Ranma] BAKA!
Shampoo: [follows suit] Che!
--Ranma: <suit> Aah! Shampoo, what do you want?! Stop chasing me!
Aaah!!
---Ukyou: Cute, Ranchan... real cute..
End of Chapter 1
--Ryouga: And I was just starting to enjoy it, too..
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The screen went black, and people said things. These were some of those
things.
"I got a plan," Ranma whispered, "that might get Pops to let us out of
here."
Ryouga and Ukyou crowded around. "Just act like it's not affecintg us,"
Ranma continued, "and he'll just give up. Simple as that."
Ukyou chimed in, "I dunno.. what makes you think he'd just give up? I
mean, he's usually so obsessed with training, why would he stop now?"
Ranma continued, "Easy. If we make it hard enough, he'll just give up
when he finds food or somethin'.. Simple."
Ryouga agreed, "Well, we could give it a try."
Conviently, Genma's face appeared on screen just then, while Ranma,
Ukyou, and Ryouga tried their best to look indifferent.
"So," Genma said, "what's the news on today's expirement? Learned it
yet?"
"Feh, that's supposed to teach me an all-powerful technique? Get real,
old man." Ranma leaned back in his chair.
"Really," Ukyou added, "You must be insane to think that's gonna help
anything."
"I liked that, myself," Ryouga commented.
"Argh.. well, there's alot more of that waiting. You'll see... you'll
learn the Otaku-ken, and then you'll be unstoppable! Bwahahahaa!" And
with that maniacal laughter, the screen faded to black and so did this
MST.
!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!�!
Well, send any C&C or flames or whatnot to my address or the list,
y'know... yeah..
=====
!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�i!�iMore powerful than a speeding Nothing,
Able to leap tall Nothings in a single bound.
Look!
Up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
It's... Saotome-san!
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