Kotaro Shindo wrote:
Hello all! Master kickboxer and professional hentai, Ryo M. here. This is an
original fanfiction made by the morons at Fallout studios. What could have
possibly possessed them to make such an idiotic thing is beyond me, but hey!
I get to star in it.
<Actualy, you're just a supporting character. Comic relief really.>
Nani? Comic relief? Are you insane? My talents will be totally wasted!
<You're talents include spying on women and trying to steal their underwear.
Your
Great for parties, but not exactly enough to base a series on. Besides,
you'rer grammar sucks.>
your
Why the hell not, might I ask? Tatsuya Hiruta did it.
<Yes he did. And we all bow down to Kotaro Makaritoru as a work of absolute
perfection, but if you were the main character, then Hiruta-san would sue
Who?
us. And that wouldn't bode well for your career.>
Point taken. But still, who is the story about? And what's wrong with my
launguage skills?
<Shin Hideoshi. And you don't pronounce things right.>
NANI? Hideoshi? That moron? He's a total loser with horrible luck.
<That's why we picked him. His horrible luck is funny. It's called 'ironic
humor.'>
You are really going to spread the exposition with a spatula, yes?
I refuse to work on a project with someone like him as the lead. I'm outta
here.
<Wait! If you stay, I'll set you up with some women's underwear. I might
even fufill your harem dream.>
Really? You have a deal man! You had better come through.
<I will, I promise...*sucker*>
Yes! I know how to get what I want outta guys like him. And without further
adoo. The teaser of Baka Yaro. Be sure to keep the drool in your mouth.
========Start the teaser already!!!!!========
Shin Hideoshi of the Undefeated Hideoshi School of Flawless-in-Every-Way
Karate stands alone atop a cliff about five or so miles away from Tokyo.
>From where he is he can make out most of the city, including the tower. His
unruly black hair blew in the breeze. He stood at an average hight with a
height, and that way of putting it is unclear
compact muscular build. He had sort of a rugged handsomness to him that
handsomeness, not that I'm fond of that word.
drove women crazy.
His thoughts, however, were elsewhere. Namely on the definition of the term
'undefeated.' Sure, he had fought a lot in his sixteen years of life. Hell,
he'd won plenty of fights with his technique. He had also been defeated. On
several occasions. Shin gave up the train of thought and just assumed that
the 'undefeated' was just part of his school's name.
That the school is undefeated does not mean every student is undefeated.
Shin had bigger problems on his mind for now. One was the impending pain
that would come his way if any of his numerous rivals caught up to him. That
as well as his other problem. The latter caused most of the former. His big
mouth didn't help either. His third problem was worst of all. Because of it,
he couldn't solve that second one. Three curses as well as horrible luck
made Shin Hideoshi what he is today.
Show, don't tell.
Shin: *Well, I found Tokyo without too much incident. I guess it will be a
while before any of them figure out where I am. For now, I'll just find the
dojo belonging to Grandpa's old friend. What was his name? Kyosuke? Yeah,
that's it.*
Shin hefted his large pack onto his strong shoulders and prepared to climb
down the cliff. He thought better of it and tensed his legs.
Shin: *I hope that nothing bad happens to me in Tokyo.* Geronimo!!!
With that, he leaps off the cliff towards the bottom about 50 yards below.
A guy cursed with bad luck who jumps off cliffs is a fool. Tense
confusion.
----------------------------------------------
At exactly the same time, Kirin Oda, the tall, athletic, heir to the Oda
tall, athletic heir
Wrestling Corperation, exits the convenience store. In his arms, he holds a
large bag overflowing with Hostess products. He hums a unknown tune to
himself as he walks down the street.
Being well bred demanded only the best for Kirin. Or so was his belief. He
wasn't egotistical. He truly was the best there was. especially when it came
to wrestling. Today, however, he was going to learn another form of
fighting. In order to broaden his horizons, his father had told him to study
martial arts. To do that, Kirin needed the best teacher. He was on his way
to the dojo right now.
Kirin: Methinks that the great Kirin will achieve mastery of martial arts
under the tutelege of this Master Kyosuke.
He's a professional wrestler. Why is he talking like a samurai wanna
be?
----------------------------------------------
Tatewaki Kotobuki was lost in the streets of Tokyo. It didn't help that he
forgot where he was going. He looks around in anger. He refused to ask
anyone for help. The men all thought he was a girl and acted weird on him. A
few punches, and the use of his bamboo sword got them to realize he was
indeed a man.
Victim: Man, that is one bad tempered girl.
You are still telling, not showing. If you'd actually written his
reaction to
to a pass it would have told us just as much about him, and much more
interestingly.
Hell, it was just his face and his long hair he kept in a yard
long braid. His body was that of a tall, slender, but well built man.
"well-built" may not be the best turn of phrase
He looks into a store window at his reflection. A youthful face looks back
at him. The face could easilly be mistaken for that of a pretty girl. Had he
put his mind to it, he could pass for a woman easilly. He scowls, the
easily
feminine quality in his face disapears. He turns away angrily and walks
onward to his still unknown destination.
Suddenly, it clicked. He sprints off before he forgets.
Tatchi: *The Kyosuke Dojo.*
----------------------------------------------
Within the Bathouse in the Murasami District of Tokyo, screams can be heard.
The manager scowls. It was the second time today that the hentai had broken
into the women's side of the bath. No doubt he was terroizing the ladies at
this very moment.
Suddenly, the wall behind him explods. Ryo Muhoshin leaps out of the hole.
He carries a mini camcorder and a large bag filled with women's
undergarments. he also wears a backpack with porno magazines sticking out of
the top.
Ryo laughs aloud like a mad man as he bounds off to... you guessed it. The
Kyosuke Dojo.
Somewhat better.
----------------------------------------------
At the forementioned dojo. Kentarou Kyosuke his sweeping the front walk. He
aforementioned.
has many thing on his mind. The training of his grandson who was slacking
things.
off. Finding a husband for his granddaughter. Getting another student to
train. He had no idea that he was going to get what he wanted.
He suddenly stops as a feeling of impending doom washed over him.
Kyo: Nah. Nothing happens here anymore.
==============================================
So how was that? Good? Bad? Let the lame-authors know by replying to them.
Potentially interesting cast of characters, not really well written at
the
moment. You need to get into them more instead of just talking about
them.
Let us learn about them by seeing them in action and interaction. Your
foreshadowing could use a lot more subtlety as well.